WHY DO I WANT A RELATIONSHIP?

I've been asked this question from time to time over the years.  Whether it was a friend, my co-worker, or my therapist, they've all asked me why do I want a relationship.  Why do I want to find someone so bad?  I don't think I want someone sooo bad, but I do want to find a great love. And let's be clear,  I don't just want a relationship. If I wanted that, I could find someone.  I'm looking for my person.

After being asked that question several times I did some self analyzing.  I thought about why do I worry about finding a relationship more than some of my friends.  Why do some people not care if they ever find someone and I DO care about it?   After much thought, I've come up with several reasons why I want a relationship "so bad" as some have put it.

It all boils down to love.  I want to feel what it's like to ACTUALLY have someone love me.  I want to have that great love.  I want to feel what it's like to have someone love you and they think the world of you and there's no "but" attached.  I want to be in love with my best friend.  I want to be with someone that thinks I'm the best thing they've ever had and that I make their life better by being in it and vice versa. I'm not sure if that's too much to ask, but I'd like to think that it's something that can happen.

One of the things I realized when I really thought about the people I've picked in relationships and dating, is that a lot of it stems from my relationship with my parents.  I was a kid that needed affection, attention, to be liked, and to be accepted.  My parents on the other hand weren't the most affectionate parents.  They also weren't the most encouraging and uplifting.  When it comes to The 5 Love Languages and how I receive love, I'm a Words of Affirmation and Quality Time person. So when someone I'm looking to date wants to spend time with me and gives me compliments I've gravitated towards that.  Granted, if they're over the top then it sends up a red flag for me. A lot of people can be disingenuous and so when I meet someone that's a bit over the top with their appreciation I usually have my guard up with them more than I would other people.




Some people might say, "But Erin you've been married!"  While that is true, I'll say that deep down I never really felt the love I wanted. My ex-husband was really my first real relationship and sometimes I feel like I just didn't know better.  I didn't know what a really good relationship was, so I just went along with things. I wasn't really sure of what was acceptable and what wasn't.  Granted, I learned a lot from that relationship, but I definitely felt like it was lacking a lot in the love and affection department.  That lack of affection then propelled me into the next relationship where I started dating a guy right after getting separated.  He was a 180 degree difference from my ex-husband.  He made me feel pretty, sexy, smart, talented, and did sweet things for me.

After that relationship ended I spent a lot of time "trying on shoes."  Seeing what was out there and what I liked and what I didn't.  I spent about a good 9 years being single and figuring it out and figuring myself out. Eventually, I met someone who seemed to be serious.  He thought I was amazing and despite telling me he didn't really ever want to get married, he changed his mind and we got engaged.  Exciting right?  Well, that was short lived because the feelings I always had in my gut were true.  He wasn't ever faithful .

I think that part of the reason I dated my ex-fiance was because I was ripe for the picking.  I had been single for about 9 years and had been here in Houston for about 6 years without much success in the dating/love department.   Then here comes a smart, successful doctor who thinks I'm the shit!   For once I met a guy that thought my job was amazing and wasn't intimidated by it. I for once didn't have to hide what my job was or worry about a guy asking if I'll talk about them in a blog or on the radio.  He thought it was awesome that I had a career that I was so passionate about.

Now fast forward to the end.  Here's a person that says that they loved you so much, but was lying the entire time. I mean, how could a person cheat on you as much as they did if they really loved you?  So you can see where my examples of love haven't been what they should be.

So those examples of love and relationships combined with the fact that I'm getting older have made me worry about it (love) more than I should.  I recently had the conversation with someone that said they were totally fine if they never found someone.  They had come to terms that if they never found someone that they were fine with it.  While I wish I could let it go and not worry about it and just say screw it,  I can't. I would like to experience what a good relationship is. I want to know there's someone that won't change their mind...especially at the drop of a hat.  I want to have someone that won't give up.  I want to know that there's someone that would try as much as I would.   I know it won't be perfect, but if both people try, then that's a damn good start. And let's be honest...I'd like to travel with someone and see the world with someone!

IF YOU'RE STILL HOOKED ON EX...DON'T DATE!

There's a saying, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone."  While there might be some people that think this actually works, I don't believe it ever really helps.

THE PARADOX OF CHOICE IS KILLING DATING

Dating over the last 20 years or so has become significantly more difficult.  A lot of that can be blamed on dating apps.  The world of infinite choices has made it so that no one wants to choose anyone.  American Psychologist, Barry Schwartz wrote a book called The Paradox of Choice - Why More is Less.  The book talks about how when consumers have a wide variety of choices, they are more likely to have a harder time making a choice, more fearful of making the wrong decision, and instead of being happier, they become more frustrated and unhappy.

TOP 10 QUALITIES I WANT IN MY PERSON

After my last attempt at dating and finding a relationship, I’ve decided to revisit the list of qualities I want in my person. I came upon this conclusion with the help one of my girlfriends. I was telling her that part of the reason I’m taking a break from dating is because I’m not sure what I’m looking for anymore.  So she encouraged me to go back over that list and focus on the things that might have changed since I last wrote my list.

ARE YOU A LOUIS VUITTON?

During my recent trip to Spain, I met a guy in Madrid.  While we chatted and got to know each other over several glasses of Spanish wine, he told me that he writes a blog. I said, “Wait! I write a blog!  What do you write about?”  He said he writes about various topics, but one of the topics is relationships.  Again, I was like “Hey! I do too!”  He had me read a few that he wrote in English and they were really good!  I could tell after reading just the first paragraph that he was a deep thinker.  Granted, he studied psychology in college, but his writing was deep, but also with feeling.  There was a blog that he told me about that wasn’t in English asking “Are you a Louis Vuitton?”

STARTING MY DATING CLEANSE...#FYF

I have several good guys friends/coworkers that give me advice about relationships.  One of those good friends is Nick. I call him one of my work husbands.  Nick is on the air after me on The Bull and everyday he comes in early to get ready for his show.  Over the course of the last 4 years he's heard a lot of my relationship and dating stories. He's listened to me cry, get angry, and question everything about myself.  He was there through all of my relationship with my ex-fiance.  There's some advice that he gave me that I'll still never forgot.  Turns out he was right.  He listens to me go over every situation multiple times. So, I'm sure there’s been times that he's wanted to shake me like a baby because he was tired of hearing about it.

GETTING DATING BLINDSIDED

I wrote this sitting in the United Airlines lounge waiting for my flight to Lisbon. I was thinking about one of recent dating experiences. At first, I wasn’t going to write about it because I wanted to act like I didn’t care, but I did care; and no matter what...there’s something to learn from this. I’m just not sure I realize what all the lessons are.

ONE MAN'S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN'S TREASURE

You've heard that term used when it comes to things that people throw out.  Something that someone saw as junk and someone else found a great use for it.  That goes for people too.

We all meet people who don't appreciate us.  We also meet people that we probably don't fully appreciate.  Let me tell you about the moment when this happened in my life and how it hit me.

I had started talking to a guy back in March or so. After texting and meeting up for drinks a couple of times he told me that he wasn't wanting to date anyone serious right now.  Well...OK then!  We were still friends, but it was more like friends that would mess around here and there.  Like a total idiot I liked him and hoped that he'd change his mind.

Eventually, I grew tired of being the girl that he would say "Hi" to and would only want to hang out with maybe once a month.  I felt as though I was wasting my time on someone that didn't appreciate me or give a crap about me as a person. So I stopped talking to him.  I'm not really sure what he thought of me.  I do think he thought I had some good qualities and I had things that he liked in someone, but I'm not sure if in his mind he looked at me as that chick he can text if he had no other options.  By the amount I heard from him and saw him...it's probably a safe bet that that's how he thought of me.   I feel like I was just a girl on the list.

Coming to terms with the notion that that's probably how he felt about me hurt a lot.  I second guessed my worth and my value.  I wondered if I'd ever find someone that appreciates me. I got mad at myself for taking the scraps for as long as I did.  I even sat down and wrote a list of my good and bad qualities.  Some of my guy friends helped a lot and shared what they thought were some of my good qualities, even some bad ones too. They thought of things I wouldn't have. They helped me see all the things that I bring to the table that this guy didn't care about. My guy friends also helped me realize that I wasn't getting treated well and that I deserved better.

Then, not long after I stopped talking to that guy,  I met someone else.  This guy was super nice and he asked me out on dates...REAL DATES!  He seemed genuinely interested and you know what else?  He actually gave me compliments and told me how pretty I was.  WHAT????  This is crazy! (I don't think the other guy ever paid me a genuine compliment.)  I'm not going to lie, I was wondering at first if there was something wrong with him because he seemed so interested.  He'd tell me that he like to see me again and he'd actually follow through and take me dinner!

After I stopped over analyzing why this new guy liked me, I had to laugh to myself.  Here I went from a guy that would barely text me back, rarely wanted to hang out, always seemed too busy, acted inappropriately, and pretty much didn't seem give a crap about me. (I'm not sure if he even looked at me as a friend.)  Maybe to him I was just that girl on the radio that he hooked up with and if he was bored, then I would hear from him.  He didn't seem to have any respect for me or value me as a person. He didn't seem to care about my feelings. He didn't seem to appreciate my good qualities. He probably just thought of me as notch. Then I go to a guy that wants to hang out 3 times in one week. He wants to be around me.  He takes me on real dates and plans things.  He includes me where he doesn't have to. He compliments me and tells me things that he likes about me as a person.  He acknowledges what I have to offer. How can this be?

It's crazy to think that I'm the same person and have been myself with both of these guys, yet the one guy could have frickin cared less and treated me like I really didn't matter. Then the other guy enjoys hanging out with me and wants to get to know me as a person. How can two people treat you so differently?

It really is like what the one guy didn't care to have, the other is happy to have found it.  It also just goes to show you that there IS someone who will appreciate you. It may not always work out, but it can at least give you hope and let you know it can happen.

 

LOVE: THE ONE GOAL YOU CAN'T CONTROL

This morning while I was in the shower, I was doing some deep thinking like I often do.  I was thinking about all the goals that I've set for myself over my life. I thought about all the things that I've achieved in my life, and all the things that I've set out to overcome.  

It's often said that anything you put your mind to, you can do.  When you set your mind to something that you can make it happen.   For the most part, I believe that's true.  I know despite where I've come from: not having a lot growing up, not getting the best grades, along with other factors, I've achieved a great deal to overcome what others would see as big setbacks.  

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be in Radio or TV.  Despite not having the best grades in school, I was determined to make this my career.  With hard work, determination, and people willing to give me a chance, I've been able to make a career of that childhood dream. 

Traveling has been a goal of mine as well. Even though I might not have had a travel partner for most of it, I've been able to visit some amazing places by myself that have been on my bucket list. For instance, most recently, my trip last April to Australia. (My goal is to make it to Cape Town, South Africa soon.)  

Others goals I've set of for myself have been: buying my house, getting in a good spot financially, and finding my person.  All of those goals I can make happen or have, except when it comes to love.  Love is the one goal that I think none of us can just set out and achieve or find.  Love is something that is out of our control.  

Many parts of our destiny, we have direct impact on seeing things come to pass or not.  If we want to make more money, there are things we can control to make that happen.   If you want to buy a house, start a business, or climb the corporate ladder, those are things that can be achieved with hard work and determination.  Love is not like that. 

I certainly can say "I want to find a husband by the end of 2017." However, finding a husband and finding love are two very different things.  I could go out on 100 dates over the course the year.  I might find someone who wants to marry me, but I won't necessarily find love.  I could put myself out there, go out every night of the week, meet some amazing people, but I may not find love. 

Love is a goal that most of us have, but it seems it is the one goal that we can't just make happen.  It's the goal we have absolutely no control over.  We can put ourselves in better situations in hopes to find it, whether it's in a physical spot or a mental spot. The point is, love seems to be something you can't just set out to find. Love has its own set of rules.  Love sets out to find you. 

THE 13 SIGNS YOU'RE PROBABLY WITH A CHEATER

Here's are some signs that your man is either cheating on you or is up to no good.

1. Has female friends that he talks about that you've never met.

When your man starts talking about his female friends and they aren't someone you've ever met,      there's probably a reason for that.  If these people are truly important to him, he would want you to meet them.  You would meet them in a normal setting, probably not as she's leaving your house without your knowledge.

2. Has new female friends that he's never really talked about until recently.

I had an ex that started talking about some women that he was "friends" with, but he had never even mentioned their name until towards the end when things were getting shady.  As it turned out that so-called "friend" was a woman he cheated on me with for months and months and denied doing anything with her. By the way, she was really not attractive!   

3. Has the KIK messenger app or other secret texting apps such as What's App on his phone.  

This is a HUGE red flag!  My friend met a guy at a happy hour and reached out to him.  He admitted to her that he was in a relationship, but always was interested in having "new friends." She played along for a bit, but then he asked her to download the KIK app because that's how he preferred to communicate.  If your man has this...it's not a good sign!

4. Starts picking fights with you for no real legitimate reason.

A guilty conscience is a funny thing.  When someone is living a lie and it becomes too much, they often take out that stress of keeping up those lies on the people closest to them.  They might start picking fights with you over trivial things and becoming very critical of you. 

5. Is super secretive when it comes to his cell phone.

Anytime a guy acts as though his phone is something that he's afraid for you to see, BEWARE.  There's usually a reason for that.

6. Deletes all of his text messages. 

A sure sign of a guy that has something to hide is when he deletes all his text messages.  They might use the excuse of "I don't like having all the clutter on my phone." Or maybe he'll say, "It makes my phone run slower." Whatever the excuse, it's a bit shady, so beware.

7. Other women start sending you messages on Facebook or other platforms saying that they've been with your man.

I think this one is self-explanatory. Although, there are some serious crazy bitches out there that just want to steal your man and won't stop until they ruin what you have. However, where there's smoke, there's fire.  So, if something doesn't smell right and his explanation doesn't make sense, then trust your gut.

8. Spending less time with you and makes less effort to see you.

You went from seeing each other everyday and spending a lot of time together, to him only making time for you possibly once or twice a week and now makes excuses why he can't hang out with you as much.  They seem like legitimate reasons at first, but then it starts happening more and more and he grows more distant towards you.

9. Suddenly won't answer his phone or call you back after certain times of the day.

 If your spouse went from calling you or texting before they went to bed, or if you were able to call them and they'd always answer, to now they don't answer and don't call back until possibly the next morning, that's a good sign there's something going on.

10. Changes their name and/or their profile pic on Facebook.

Better yet, they get off Facebook completely because it's just "too much drama."  He once had so many pictures of you on Facebook.  He was the proud boyfriend. Now he hides or deletes your pics and hides his relationship status.  NO BUENO!

11. Gives out his business card to women at bars when you're not there.

Maybe you don't find out about this right away, but some how it comes out that he gave his business card to women that have nothing to do with what he does for a living.  Be especially aware if on his business card he has his personal cell phone number printed on it.

12. Still allows ex-girlfriends or flings have contact with him.

If your man was truly committed to you, he wouldn't need the attention from any other woman.  All the women from his past would be just that, his past.  There would be no need to have them in his present. Especially, if you are in a committed relationship such as marriage or engagement.

13. Gets text messages from numbers that you don't know and/or aren't saved in his phone.

This doesn't necessarily mean anything, but it may not be a good thing if you suspect other things.  Also be leery if he starts texting a dude named Larry a lot.  Sometimes guys will change peoples names in their phone to avoid suspicion.

BONUS - Takes trips with friends without you.

This isn't necessarily bad in itself, however in combination with the other shady activity, it just doesn't feel right.

 Here’s the thing, when the stories just don’t add up anymore maybe you need to stop excusing those things away and take a serious look at the situation.

Remember one thing, when your spouse cheats on you, it’s not your fault even if they try and blame you.

It's 100% their issue and they have no one to blame except themselves for making poor decisions and being a weak individual.

I believe even if you start to think about straying that you you need to have a serious conversation with your partner to work on things or end the relationship. Not after the fact.

I’m proud to say that I’ve never cheated, but I’m sad to say that I have been cheated on.  It’s a terrible feeling.  One that usually punches you in the gut and you don’t see coming.  Or maybe you had your suspicions, but weren’t 100% positive.

Know that you are worthy of someone treating with real love and respect.  You don’t deserve to be lied to and cheated on.