Tuesday, June 26, 2018

WHY DO I WANT A RELATIONSHIP?





I've been asked this question from time to time over the years.  Whether it was a friend, my co-worker, or my therapist, they've all asked me why do I want a relationship.  Why do I want to find someone so bad?  I don't think I want someone sooo bad, but I do want to find a great love. And let's be clear,  I don't just want a relationship. If I wanted that, I could find someone.  I'm looking for my person.

After being asked that question several times I did some self analyzing.  I thought about why do I worry about finding a relationship more than some of my friendsWhy do some people not care if they ever find someone and I DO care about it?   After much thought, I've come up with several reasons why I want a relationship "so bad" as some have put it.


It all boils down to loveI want to feel what it's like to ACTUALLY have someone love me.  I want to have that great love.  I want to feel what it's like to have someone love you and they think the world of you and there's no "but" attached.  I want to be in love with my best friend.  I want to be with someone that thinks I'm the best thing they've ever had and that I make their life better by being in it and vice versa. I'm not sure if that's too much to ask, but I'd like to think that it's something that can happen.

One of the things I realized when I really thought about the people I've picked in relationships and dating, is that a lot of it stems from my relationship with my parents.  I was a kid that needed affection, attention, to be liked, and to be accepted.  My parents on the other hand weren't the most affectionate parents.  They also weren't the most encouraging and uplifting.  When it comes to The 5 Love Languages and how I receive love, I'm a Words of Affirmation and Quality Time person. So when someone I'm looking to date wants to spend time with me and gives me compliments I've gravitated towards that.  Granted, if they're over the top then it sends up a red flag for me. A lot of people can be disingenuous and so when I meet someone that's a bit over the top with their appreciation I usually have my guard up with them more than I would other people.




Some people might say, "But Erin you've been married!"  While that is true, I'll say that deep down I never really felt the love I wanted. My ex-husband was really my first real relationship and sometimes I feel like I just didn't know better.  I didn't know what a really good relationship was, so I just went along with things. I wasn't really sure of what was acceptable and what wasn't.  Granted, I learned a lot from that relationship, but I definitely felt like it was lacking a lot in the love and affection department.  That lack of affection then propelled me into the next relationship where I started dating a guy right after getting separated.  He was a 180 degree difference from my ex-husband.  He made me feel pretty, sexy, smart, talented, and did sweet things for me.



After that relationship ended I spent a lot of time "trying on shoes."  Seeing what was out there and what I liked and what I didn't.  I spent about a good 9 years being single and figuring it out and figuring myself out. Eventually, I met someone who seemed to be serious.  He thought I was amazing and despite telling me he didn't really ever want to get married, he changed his mind and we got engaged.  Exciting right?  Well, that was short lived because the feelings I always had in my gut were true.  He wasn't ever faithful .

I think that part of the reason I dated my ex-fiance was because I was ripe for the picking.  I had been single for about 9 years and had been here in Houston for about 6 years without much success in the dating/love department.   Then here comes a smart, successful doctor who thinks I'm the shit!   For once I met a guy that thought my job was amazing and wasn't intimidated by it. I for once didn't have to hide what my job was or worry about a guy asking if I'll talk about them in a blog or on the radio.  He thought it was awesome that I had a career that I was so passionate about.

Now fast forward to the end.  Here's a person that says that they loved you so much, but was lying the entire time. I mean, how could a person cheat on you as much as they did if they really loved you?  So you can see where my examples of love haven't been what they should be.

So those examples of love and relationships combined with the fact that I'm getting older have made me worry about it (love) more than I should.  I recently had the conversation with someone that said they were totally fine if they never found someone.  They had come to terms that if they never found someone that they were fine with it.  While I wish I could let it go and not worry about it and just say screw it,  I can't. I would like to experience what a good relationship is. I want to know there's someone that won't change their mind...especially at the drop of a hat.  I want to have someone that won't give up.  I want to know that there's someone that would try as much as I would.   I know it won't be perfect, but if both people try, then that's a damn good start. And let's be honest...I'd like to travel with someone and see the world with someone!


Thursday, June 21, 2018

IF YOU'RE STILL HOOKED ON EX...DON'T DATE!

There's a saying, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone."  While there might be some people that think this actually works, I don't believe it ever really helps.



Friday, April 13, 2018

THE PARADOX OF CHOICE IS KILLING DATING

Dating over the last 20 years or so has become significantly more difficult.  A lot of that can be blamed on dating apps.  The world of infinite choices has made it so that no one wants to choose anyone.  American Psychologist, Barry Schwartz wrote a book called The Paradox of Choice - Why More is Less.  The book talks about how when consumers have a wide variety of choices, they are more likely to have a harder time making a choice, more fearful of making the wrong decision, and instead of being happier, they become more frustrated and unhappy.




Monday, April 2, 2018

FREEING YOURSELF WITH FORGIVENESS

Something that I’ve been working in the last several years and especially one of the big things I’m focusing on as of late is...forgiveness. There are people that know they did you wrong and they don’t care. There are those that hurt you and own up to it.  There are others that hurt you and they have no idea. Other times, the person that hurts you is YOU. I’ve encountered all the above. In the month that I was focusing on myself and working on being a better me, Nick, my co-worker told me to work on forgiveness.


Wednesday, March 28, 2018

HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS SAYS A LOT ABOUT YOU


I was thinking the other day about how people treat you.  There’s a saying that people only treat you how you allow them to.  That’s true to a certain extent, but I also believe that people treat you because of who they are and the respect they have for other people.


Tuesday, March 20, 2018

I NEVER STOOD A CHANCE

One of my recent dating experiences has showed me a lot.  I've learned that sometimes things don't work and it's no fault of my own.  I've learned that you can be a great catch and someone won't want you.  I've learned that guys don't work on themselves as much as they should.  I've learned that sometimes you don't stand a chance.





Wednesday, March 14, 2018

ARE THERE ANY DECENT MEN LEFT?

Today I’m really struggling to keep the faith that I’ll find my person someday.  I’m around men all the time and I hear stories. I’m around women all the time and I hear stories, and then I know my own stories.  Some of the guys I know and hear stories from really makes me question if there are any decent men that truly want a lasting relationship.  I hear the stories of guys going through girl after girl.  They’ve got 4-5 girls hitting them up on Snapchat. Another couple of girls  they’re texting, and then there’s the few that come over.

 ARE ALL GUYS LIKE THIS?? Is it the guys that are confident that do this? Is it the guys have swag that pull this off? Should I avoid any guy that is charming because I’m already girl 7 on the list?

I had someone send me this meme that said “Social media killed reality” and it really did.  Now men have infinite amount of choices and then there are the girls that make it so easy for them thanks to social media.  I’m starting to wonder...not only are there any decent men anymore, but can anyone have a real relationship anymore?

I know of guys that say they do want a real relationship with just one woman, but still are still talking, flirting, sexting, dating, and sleeping with multiple women.  Do these guys just like the attention? And if they do...will the attention of 1 woman ever really be enough?

When does the playboy finally figure it out? Does he ever figure what he wants? When does that guy go from having 5 girls in the picture to just 1 girl? Is he capable of cutting all other girls off on Snapchat, Instagram,  and other ways?

I really want to know if what I want is even possible.  Maybe the kind of relationship I want doesn’t exist in 2018. Maybe the kind of man I want died with the invention social media and dating apps.