Wednesday, March 14, 2018


Today I’m really struggling to keep the faith that I’ll find my person someday.  I’m around men all the time and I hear stories. I’m around women all the time and I hear stories, and then I know my own stories.  Some of the guys I know and hear stories from really makes me question if there are any decent men that truly want a lasting relationship.  I hear the stories of guys going through girl after girl.  They’ve got 4-5 girls hitting them up on Snapchat. Another couple of girls  they’re texting, and then there’s the few that come over.

 ARE ALL GUYS LIKE THIS?? Is it the guys that are confident that do this? Is it the guys have swag that pull this off? Should I avoid any guy that is charming because I’m already girl 7 on the list?

I had someone send me this meme that said “Social media killed reality” and it really did.  Now men have infinite amount of choices and then there are the girls that make it so easy for them thanks to social media.  I’m starting to wonder...not only are there any decent men anymore, but can anyone have a real relationship anymore?

I know of guys that say they do want a real relationship with just one woman, but still are still talking, flirting, sexting, dating, and sleeping with multiple women.  Do these guys just like the attention? And if they do...will the attention of 1 woman ever really be enough?

When does the playboy finally figure it out? Does he ever figure what he wants? When does that guy go from having 5 girls in the picture to just 1 girl? Is he capable of cutting all other girls off on Snapchat, Instagram,  and other ways?

I really want to know if what I want is even possible.  Maybe the kind of relationship I want doesn’t exist in 2018. Maybe the kind of man I want died with the invention social media and dating apps.


I’m a big dog lover. I’ve adopted a dog from a breeder in the past and I’ve rescued dogs from a shelter. I’ve also fostered shelter dogs. The thing about shelter dogs is they have a past. It’s a past that you know nothing about and a past that they can’t tell you about.

You take that shelter dog home and it acts up. It pees where it’s not supposed to. It chews up things it’s not supposed to. It has behavioral issues you can’t explain. You get frustrated with that dog. Maybe the thought that you should take it back to the shelter because you can’t deal with it has crossed your mind. You want to give it back and find maybe another dog that is better and does everything you want it to do. However, did you ever think we are all like that shelter dog?

We all have a past. A past that makes us who we are and shapes us into the person we become. However, our past is something we can tell someone about. Every single one of us has a past that has shaped our thoughts and feelings, whether that past is going back to our childhood or it’s a more recent past. That past, can make us act or feel a certain way.

My dog Silkie is a great example of a rescue dog with interesting personality quirks. I know nothing of where she came from. I don’t even know how old she is. All I know is that when I brought her home from the HSPCA, where I volunteered, the coming months were challenging. She had severe anxiety and would tear everything up. I was at my wits end, but I knew that this dog needed patience and love. Does she still have a little bit of anxiety? Yes, she does, but she’s a good girl and an incredibly sweet and affectionate dog.

So many people now days are ready to cut the cord at the drop of a hat. You do one thing that bothers them and they are out. Some of the time it’s something that is absolute minutiae.

Parts of my past have deeply affected me that have me thinking in a certain way. I act sometimes in a certain way because of how I was treated in the past.  I’m a little more guarded with my heart. Both my past from childhood and more recent past have left a few scars. However, I work on it every day.

Each of my major relationships have things that have either scarred me or have me trained in a way. For instance, my first real relationship was one with my ex-husband. He actually was my first boyfriend.  He was extremely busy with work and when I would call him to say and see how he was doing he’s always would say “What do you want? I’m really busy right now!” Now when I call people one of the first things I ask them is what they’re doing...just in case I’m bothering them. There are few other things that he did that have deeply effected me.  One of those things is the phone.  That relationship started my trigger with the phone.  He was constantly on it and it didn’t matter where we were or who we were with. We could be could be on a date night and he would be on his blackberry the entire time.

My last major relationship was one where I was cheated on and lied to repeatedly. Honestly, that relationship has scarred me the most. I’m scared to trust people.  I often wonder if people are telling me the truth.  When guys are nice to me and seem to be into me, I wonder if he really is. It’s actually pretty sad, because I’ve also developed some habits that I don’t like. I’m constantly look over my shoulder and looking out to see if the person I’m with is doing me wrong. Needless to say,  I’ve become very good at figuring stuff out. Although, I also now look into things too much. Honestly, if people knew just half the stuff I went through in that relationship they’d be blown away that I’m even willing to try and find love again.

I’m very open and aware of what baggage I bring and what scars I have. When I start dating someone, I try to let them know a bit of how I am as things come up. Obviously, the longer I’m with that person, the more they'll find out and get to know me.  The funny thing is, that the people you may date also have those same scars and baggage and either pretend it doesn’t matter or don’t talk about it.  So many people don’t talk about their scars. Maybe they don’t know how, or don’t think that it’s a big deal.

Imagine if we talked about our issues and worked on them, how much better our relationships might be.  Sure, some relationships may still not work out, but maybe if you talked about those scars and worked on things and tried to understand one another better, maybe we wouldn’t hurt each other so much.

Saturday, March 3, 2018


One of the things I think about A LOT (probably too much) is matters of the heart.

Love is this intangible thing that we all seek out to find. Even those of us that say we don’t care to have it, still yearn for that feeling in some way. Most of those people mask it by using sex as their tool.

I was thinking how we all have scars that sometimes make it more difficult to find love because of someone that has hurt us before. I think 99% of us carry some sort of baggage or hurt around with us. Some of us mask it and try to move forward the best they can. While others have healed, but still aren’t the same as they once were.

I also thought of those that have a heart that isn’t full. What do I mean? I’m talking about the people that seek out love from others when they don’t have their heart to give someone. Or maybe they only have part of their heart to give because the rest is with someone else.

I think about some of my past relationships. I would go into the relationship with a pure heart and clean slate. Scars? Yes, but my heart is whole. Then I look back and think of the person I was with. I realized that even though I came into to it with 100% of my heart to give, they came into the relationship with only part of theirs to give. They came in with part of their heart with someone else.  I was in a losing situation.

I have scars from my past relationships. I also, know that when I pick someone (which I don’t do easily) that the person I pick gets my whole heart. They don’t need to worry about my intentions, my loyalty, my attention, or affection. Again...Yes, my heart has scars, but my heart is whole. My heart doesn’t belong to anyone else. There’s not a piece that I have given and left with someone else.

In those past relationships where they only had part of their heart to give because someone else had the rest...I was never going to win the whole heart. I can’t give you my whole heart when I only get pieces in return.

 What would you rather have...a whole heart with scars...or only a piece of a heart?

Monday, February 12, 2018


After my last attempt at dating and finding a relationship, I’ve decided to revisit the list of qualities I want in my person. I came upon this conclusion with the help one of my girlfriends. I was telling her that part of the reason I’m taking a break from dating is because I’m not sure what I’m looking for anymore.  So she encouraged me to go back over that list and focus on the things that might have changed since I last wrote my list.

As I’ve mentioned before I feel like I’ve tried just about everything and have dated all over the board. Do I want a guy with no kids or kids? If he has old and how many? Divorced or never married? Younger or older? Business or blue collar? Shorter or taller? I honestly don’t know anymore. So I sat down and thought of some things I think will be good for me moving forward.

1.  NOT ADDICTED TO SOCIAL MEDIA - One of the things I’ve decided I’ll be looking for in someone is, a guy not really into social media.  Maybe he’s on Facebook or Instagram, but he’s not on it ALL OF THE TIME. Maybe he’s too busy with work and doesn’t really have time for it. Whatever social media he is on, I certainly don’t want him trolling for chicks on it! Some might say, “Erin you’re on social media all the time!” Yes I am. However, most of the time, I’m on social media for work and building my brand as a personality and public figure. Also, I think I want to steer clear of guys that are really into snapchat. I’ve noticed in the last 2 years or so that social media has played a role in my relationships that I didn’t like. Trust me when I say, you can learn a lot from a person by their social media activity! A LOT!!

2. To go along with that, I want someone that doesn’t need attention from a lot of women. Something that has really stuck out to me in the last several years of dating and listening to my friends’ stories, is the amount of guys that need attention from multiple chicks.  Again, he’s not on social media trolling for chicks, but he also doesn’t have 4-5 girls or (insert number here) that he’s “talking to”, sleeping with, or has on a chain “just in case.” Maybe that’s how it is these days, but I’m not a fan. It’s one thing if you’re just going on dates without intimacy, but if you’ve talked about how you’re only sleeping with that person and he’s still got other girls texting my opinion...TOTALLY NOT COOL!

And to say one thing on the prior two points, I look at several women here locally that are in the public eye, that are in relationships, and their husbands or boyfriends aren’t following a bunch of chicks or “Inta-hoes.” Also, they certainly aren’t going around trying to get attention from other women.  The last thing I need is some girl I’ve never met, messaging me telling me that my man has been DM’ing her...or worse. Been there...and I don’t like being on the receiving end of that.  It really hurts and is humiliating.

As for the rest of the we go...

3.  MUST LOVE DOGS - For me this also on my non-negotiables list. I really love dogs and can’t imagine not having any. I mean, I’m the girl that usually talks to the family dog at a party before the people. So for me, this is hands down 100% a must!

4.  READY FOR COMMITMENT  - I’m looking for someone that’s also looking for that person in their life. Someone that wants a meaningful relationship of mutual respect. Someone that is looking for their best friend and partner. I’m looking for someone who is ready for his player days to be behind him and is happy with seeing my name pop up on his phone with a text versus a list of chicks.

5. SOMEONE I FIND ATTRACTIVE - He doesn’t need to be uber hot, all buffed out, and the male version of an “Insta-hoe”. I just need to think he’s attractive to me. I mean, I’m going “get it on” with him for years right?

6.  SMART/SUCCESSFUL  - I don’t care if he has a MBA or if didn’t even finish college. If you’re smart and are doing well for yourself that’s what I care about. I didn’t go to a 4 year college. Actually, either did my ex-husband, but both of us are pretty darn successful in our careers and I’d like to think pretty dang smart.

7.  LEVEL HEADED - I don't need or want a guy that’s a hot head.  Granted, we can all get pissy or moody...maybe one day you lose your shit and throw a temper tantrum. However, it’s not OK for me to have a guy that will fly off the handle at the drop of a hat or freak the f*$& out in public.  I’ve actually dated several guys that have either gone off on people in traffic or someone else in public. To be honest, it kinda freaks me out and it’s a bit embarrassing.  Again, I’m a public person, so the last thing I need is my boyfriend getting in fist fight (or worse) with another driver or some guy at a bar when he’s drunk.

8.  KIND/COURTEOUS  - Someone that has empathy and thinks of other people’s feelings. You’d think this would be a given, but in the day of overwhelming self-importanace and narcissism, people who think of other people’s feelings are actually not easy to come by these days.  To me it all boils down to, “Treat others as you want to be treated.”

9. SELF-AWARE - We all lack confidence in some area.  That’s why so many of us over compensate with something.  I’m the first to admit that I’m self-conscious and lack confidence in areas of my life.  I’m totally aware of these issues. In fact, I’ll admit that to anyone.  I go to counseling to work on it, and do things everyday to build myself up and make myself better.  Am I perfect? NO! Once again,  I’m aware of it and work on it. Whereas, a lot of people shove their issues under a rug hoping no one will notice or will choose to ignore them and let their (sometimes) bad behavior continue. We all have issues and it amazes me how many people I know and see, that either ignore their issues and don’t try to be better, or are completely oblivious on how they are as people.

10. ACCEPTS ME FOR ME - Granted, I have my quirks, but honestly I’m pretty easy going. I’m not a diva. I don’t need to be treated like I’m some pretty pretty princess all the time. I can stay in a fancy hotel or one that’s just ok. Again, I can eat or drink fancy...or can eat at a hole in the wall and drink at a dive bar. I can take shots or drink champagne. I can hang just about anywhere. The only thing I’m not cool with is going to the bathroom in the wilderness. And even then...I’d at least try and figure it out!  I’ll admit, I hate cleaning anything, I can procrastinate, I have a potty mouth, and hold wine glasses from the wrong part of the glass. And those are just a few of the things a guy is going have to absorb to be with me.  Oh...and he'll have to be understanding of my past hurts that have made me into what I am today.

 This is the nuts and bolts of my list. Sure I could get super picky, but I think moving forward these are the 10 things that I need to really look for and look out for. #FINDYOURSELFFEBRUARY

Tuesday, February 6, 2018


During my recent trip to Spain, I met a guy in Madrid.  While we chatted and got to know each other over several glasses of Spanish wine, he told me that he writes a blog. I said, “Wait! I write a blog!  What do you write about?”  He said he writes about various topics, but one of the topics is relationships.  Again, I was like “Hey! I do too!”  He had me read a few that he wrote in English and they were really good!  I could tell after reading just the first paragraph that he was a deep thinker.  Granted, he studied psychology in college, but his writing was deep, but also with feeling.  There was a blog that he told me about that wasn’t in English asking “Are you a Louis Vuitton?”

When I got back stateside, I had my Spanish speaking friend translate his blog for me.  There were several things that stuck out to me.  I’m paraphrasing, but he wrote, “You’re the envy of people, and have so much that people wish they had.  Your parents are proud of you.  You do great things.  You are valuable.  You are like a prized Louis Vuitton bag.  So why do you treat yourself like a grocery bag?” 

He talked about how women, we devalue ourselves because of the person we are with.  We let the person we are with take advantage of our weaknesses.  We let them treat us less than we are worth because we are afraid.  We let others treat us less than because we’re more comfortable with the bad with him, then the good that could be with someone else.  That fear of starting over.  So we settle to be treated like a grocery bag.  We settle for what is comfortable even if it’s not what is best for us.  He said that if we stood up for ourselves with a smile that they would have to change.  If they didn’t, we shouldn’t worry about the loneliness that may follow because it never ends badly.

After listening to my friend translate it, I examined myself and my life.  I went through my recent relationships and attempted relationships.  My last major relationship was one that ended terribly.  He was someone that was incredibly manipulative and did some very unconscionable things.  I learned how truly terrible people can be and it made me question a lot in people.  That ended because he left me with no choice.

I looked at a situation where I was interested in dating someone.  That was a situation I should’ve walked away after the first date, but because I thought he was attractive and funny I decided to take less than I deserve because of a “maybe.”  Maybe he’ll change his mind; maybe he’ll be ready to date soon.  I finally realized my worth and walked.

Lastly, I looked at my last attempt at a relationship.  One that I thought could actually be something really really good.  Someone who I thought really liked me and appreciated me for the person I am.  However, when I was honest with my feelings and my concerns about something he had done, instead of standing up, understanding, working through it and making changes...he decided he wouldn’t deal with it and walked away.  That sucked.  However, I am proud of myself for realizing my worth and telling him how I didn’t appreciate what he was doing.  It didn’t end like my Spanish friend said it might, with him realizing my worth and changing his ways.  It ended much differently.  Although, he did admit that I’m an amazing apparently he’s not in the market for a Louis Vuitton bag right now.  Maybe he’s more in the market for that grocery bag my Spanish friend mentioned.

I think a lot of ladies deep down know what we deserve, but we are scared we’ll never find it or that it doesn’t exist.  Or we’re scared that we’ll be alone forever.  God knows I’ve thought that before.  I know I stayed around in the first relationship I mentioned because I was convincing myself that it wasn’t that bad.  Deep down I knew I should’ve been treated better, but I was willing to stay for whatever reason.  I can say now that maybe it’s a good thing he did the things he did, because maybe if he hadn’t, I might be still be dealing with his excuses and would be incredibly unhappy inside.

I’m getting better with standing up for myself.  Some of my friends tell me that when someone walks out my life that I should have an attitude of “On to the next one!”  Part of me does feel that way, but I still get bummed when they don’t realize what a great catch I am and what I have to sometimes I take it personally.  Maybe I need to tell myself over and over that I am a Louis and if he wants some other girl, then sorry about your downgrade.

I think truly understanding my value and what I deserve is one of the reasons I’ve decided to take a break from dating for a while.  Deep down I do know what a great catch I am.  I know that I’m a person with A LOT to offer and possess really amazing qualities.  I mean, let’s brag on me for a second.  I am independent, self-sufficient, funny, thoughtful, caring, compassionate, attractive, fun, loyal, adventurous, faithful, hardworking, sexy, smart, and the list goes on.  I have a great career that I worked hard for.  I pay for my own stuff.  I bought my own house.  I love deeply.  I think deeply. Heck...I traveled the world BY MYSELF!!  I am a good person, a great catch and most of all I have a good heart.  Someone just told me that “Erin, girls like you don’t come around a lot and you deserve someone who will treat you that way.”

There are times that I see what guys choose over me and I do get frustrated.  I think “I’m such a better catch than what they’re hanging out with and yet...they want that?”  But then again, going back to what I said in an earlier blog, sometimes guys want what is easy at the time.  Or maybe they do realize what a great catch I am and know that they can’t give me what I need.  So they leave and go to be with what’s comfortable for them.  Will it hurt the next time I meet someone I like that doesn’t appreciate me and what I have to offer?  I'm sure it will.  However, like my Spanish friend said, that pain is only temporary.

Remember ladies, Louis Vuitton handbags are something not everyone can afford. They are expensive; and you can’t get them just any old place.  Sure, there are imitations, but they aren't the quality of the real thing. They are in fact, just that...imitations. 

Sure, Michael Kors handbags are nice, but you can get them at an outlet mall for several hundred dollars. Louis Vuitton handbags cost thousands of dollars.  

So ask yourself...Are you the grocery bag? Are you the outlet Michael Kors handbag? Or are you a valuable and prized Louis Vuitton handbag that you can’t get just anywhere?

Wednesday, January 31, 2018


I have several good guys friends/coworkers that give me advice about relationships.  One of those good friends is Nick. I call him one of my work husbands.  Nick is on the air after me on The Bull and everyday he comes in early to get ready for his show.  Over the course of the last 4 years he's heard a lot of my relationship and dating stories. He's listened to me cry, get angry, and question everything about myself.  He was there through all of my relationship with my ex-fiance.  There's some advice that he gave me that I'll still never forgot.  Turns out he was right.  He listens to me go over every situation multiple times. So, I'm sure there’s been times that he's wanted to shake me like a baby because he was tired of hearing about it.

The other day we were talking about how I believe most guys have a Plan B and that there's always a girl on the back burner, a girl that they're texting and flirting with other than the main chick.  He told me he thinks I need to take a serious break from dating.  At first, I was a bit irritated, because I was thinking, "Wait a second! I'm telling you that I think most guys always have a chick on the back burner and never go without. Whether it's getting attention or sex...they aren't out of the game long, and yet you're telling me that I should purposefully take myself out of the game?"   

He told me that I should take the month of February and not go on any dates, no dating apps, and no sex.  He said that I need to take myself totally out of the dating world and see what happens. He thinks that I should see how I spend my time, what I think about, and where I direct my energy when dating is not an issue.  OK...this might be an interesting challenge.  I told him that I'll probably have a break down at some point knowing that I've got nothing going on, no one that's texting or spending time with me, and that the guys of my past are probably swimming in p*$$y.  He said, "You're making a choice to do this. You're choosing solitude."  He went on tell me that sometimes you just need to take a step back and reset and if I'm still looking at life with the dating lens on, that you can't reset.

He has seen me go through a lot in the last several years to find a lasting relationship.  He said, "You've been hitting it hard and have been trying the dating thing for a while. Maybe you need to take a break and just see what happens in your life when you're not looking to date or not looking for ANY kind of distractions from guys. He’s right. I’ve been trying for what seems like forever. I feel like Charlotte from Sex In The City. 

Nick said for the month of February, “If a guy wants to take you out on a date, you tell him you're not going out on any dates until March 1st. If he wants to know why, then you say ‘If you're still talking to me on March 1st, then I'll tell ya’...then you're putting him to the test. If he's interested, he'll stick around."  

I'm not going lie, I'm a little nervous about what I just agreed to. Although, I do think it will be good to see what happens when I let go, and just work on myself for a month without any distraction of guys.  I found an interesting article online called 21 Reasons to Go on a Dating Cleanse. I went over the list and I think I counted about 14 or 15 out the 21 reasons that I related to.  So it's probably a good idea for me to do this dating cleanse and month of self discovery. I mean...I’ve tried. I’ve dated, got hurt, picked myself up, tried again and again, and for some reason it’s not working out for me. What's the definition of insanity??

I was talking with my work husbands just today and I said, "You know...I'm actually really glad I'm taking this break from dating.  I feel a bit lost.  I don't know when someone is being genuine anymore. Maybe part of it is because of my line of work, but I sometimes question when people give me a compliment or are kind to me.  I think, "Are you really being nice or are you trying to get tickets out of me?"   I also don't know whether to believe someone's words or actions and I'm starting to question both. I've had guys do very nice things for me only to change their mind or do something that’s not OK.  I've had guys tell me that I am so awesome, so cool, and they said how lucky to have a girl like me...and they left.  I need to figure out who is REAL and if they are impeccable with their word and actions.  

My good girlfriend told me I need to come up with several lists. One of them is a list of all the things I enjoy doing or would like to do and start checking those things off in February.  Next, she wanted me to revisit the list of qualities I want in my person and come up with a list of non-negotiables.  For instance, he must love dogs. The last list she wants me to write is a list of “red flags.” I think maybe I’ll include some yellow flags as well.

Again, I know I'll probably get a little lonely, and there will be moments where I have every type of emotion. I'll have some serious moments of soul searching and reflecting on myself that will be enlightening. I know this is a good experiment and a good thing for me.  My trip to Spain was a good start. I walked around without worrying about life.  I just got to observe life and appreciate it.  I should probably just be Erin and appreciate her for awhile.

So for the next month I publicly declare it #FindYourselfFebruary...#FYF  I'm already off to a good start.  Today I got back to the gym and signed up with a personal trainer to whoop my butt for the next month.  If you feel like you're in a rut then maybe taking the next month for yourself would be good for you too.


Thursday, January 25, 2018


I wrote this sitting in the United Airlines lounge waiting for my flight to Lisbon. I was thinking about one of recent dating experiences. At first, I wasn’t going to write about it because I wanted to act like I didn’t care, but I did care; and no matter what...there’s something to learn from this. I’m just not sure I realize what all the lessons are.

I started seeing a guy that I originally met on Bumble. He was several years younger than me, but we had some things in common that were pretty big. He didn’t want kids and neither did I. We both had dogs, good careers, like country music, and had a good time when we hung out. Things moved rather quick for us. He seemed to really like me and would do some very sweet things that showed that he liked me. I was a smitten kitten. For the first time in a long time I liked someone, they liked me, and things just seemed to be flowing quite nicely...and I was following where he was leading me with his words and actions.

It wasn’t until we attended a big holiday party that something really bothered me. He was grabbing drinks for us at the bar and I was standing a bit behind him when he pulled out his phone. When I looked over, I saw that he was messaging his ex girlfriend on Snapchat. My heart just sank. Here we are at this big event (something he paid a lot of money for), all dressed up, meeting up with friends when that happens. Up until that point I didn’t have any real big issues with things he did. There were little things here and there that made my radar go up, but nothing like this. You know yellow flags, but maybe not red flags. 

Honestly, I almost walked out without saying anything because I was so hurt by it.  (Maybe deep down that heart sinking feeling I had was because I knew it was over.)  Nonetheless, I decided to let it go for a bit, but after having another drink I decided to bring it up to him. I calmly said, “I noticed that you were texting ____ earlier, is everything ok? He said, Yeah everything is fine.” I told him that him texting her bothered me. I said I thought it was inappropriate for him to be texting her at that moment. I knew they were still communicating, but I wasn’t sure on how often and what the dynamic was. I went on to tell him I didn’t talk to my ex and it really hurt my feelings that he was texting her. He explained that they do talk probably more than he should and that as things progress with us he’ll cut things off. At the moment his answer was enough to make it go away.

The next day I got really sick and stayed home from work for the next 2 days. While I was home alone, not doing a lot, and not talking to him a ton, I had a lot of time to think and mull over things. I talked to him and told him that it had been messing with me a bit that he was still texting her and it was making me feel insecure. At that moment, I opened Pandora’s box. He told me that my concerns reminded him of how things ended with his ex (the one he was texting). Needless to say, later that night he broke up with me. He told me that my “insecurities” were a “red flag” for him and that he thought it was too early for them to be coming in our he was done. Well OK then...that’s not what I was expecting. Which by the way...when are insecurities gonna come up?  I would think it's better to have it come up early in the relationship versus later when you're an established couple.  

Most of our conversation is a blur. I think I was in shock, so I remember a lot of it in clips. I think the biggest part I didn’t understand is how he went from “Please tell me if anything reminds you of your ex or if anything I do bothers you so I can fix it,” to all of the sudden “You bringing this up and still thinking about it a couple days later reminds me of my ex and is a red flag.”

Unfortunately, there was no changing his mind. I was so hurt and really bummed. Not trying to sound like a girl from "The Bachelor", but I thought he had real potential. I thought I finally found someone that was going to like me for me and was willing to look beyond my emotional scars of the past.  Apparently I had picked wrong again.

I’ve tried to analyze the “whys” and the “what’s” of the situation, because...well let’s be honest...that’s what I do. My friends gave their opinion. I wondered if I did something wrong. Then I quickly realized that I did absolutely nothing wrong. I was telling him how I feel in a mature way and setting up my boundaries for how I wanted to be treated. I should never regret that. In fact, I should give myself some credit because in the past I've let things go that I should've spoken up about and didn't.

I tried coming up with some sort of conclusion. I thought maybe there was someone else...maybe several someone else’s, like he joked about one time. Maybe deep down he isn’t ready to settle down with just one woman. Maybe he wasn’t up for the challenge of what it takes for a real relationship...or wasn’t willing to provide what I required. Maybe he liked the thought of dating me, but the reality of a what a relationship with me entails is too much for him. I wondered and analyzed all this because I honestly can’t make sense of how my concern for him being disrespectful was a reason to break things off with me. It makes no sense at all.

And furthermore, I’ll never figure out how this guy went from saying how lucky he is to be dating such a cool girl like me, calling me everyday, texting all day everyday, making time for me, bringing me around his family and some of his friends, doing super sweet things for all of the sudden we're done and he's acted like he didn't ever care about me at all.  I’ll always wonder, was he really being sincere with ANYTHING he did or said? Was it an act? Was he trying to convince himself or convince me that he really cared or was a good guy? I’ll never know.

What sucks is...and it always disappoints me when I see it, but I’ve realized that sometimes it really doesn’t matter how smart, attractive, funny, successful, cool, sexy, put together, interesting, or what a great catch you are. Sometimes men won’t want all that you have to offer or won’t be able to handle that. Maybe they’re not ready for you. Maybe deep down they really do prefer the chick that posts pictures of her boobs and new eyebrows...I don’t know. Sometimes, guys just want what is easy.

You just never know what’s going in someone else’s head and what their true intentions are. So you just have to continue to be you and be the best you for the next person that WILL appreciate you for YOU. ALL OF YOU! Someone that WILL take the good with the bad and will work to make it work...because you are worth it.

I know I'm not perfect by any means, and I have some scars from a past relationship that have made me build a wall that may be hard to crack. I just got keep working on being a better me and keep the faith that there will be a man I meet one day that will be willing to scale my wall, will stick around, and won't run when I confront them with something that bothers me.