Friday, February 24, 2017

WHERE SHOULD MY NEXT TRAVEL ADVENTURE BE?

I've hadn't had the chance to travel like I really love to do.  I've been saving my money and getting that all straightened out.  Now I'm really getting anxious to go somewhere and have something to look forward to.  The question is when and where do I go next?


The very first trip I took alone was to Paris France.  It was Christmas time and I don's usually spend the holidays in a traditional sense.  That became the time of year for me to travel.  That trip was so liberating because I had never traveled all by myself before. Not only that, but I don't speak or understand any French.

Arc de Triomphe








The next trip was to Rome Italy. I went in the summer, which was simply amazing.  I loved it!  I can't think of anything I didn't like about that trip.


Trevi Fountain





While in Rome I took an excursion to the island of Capri!  Seriously, it was so gorgeous!

The top of Capri


The next Christmas trip I took was to London.  I landed on Christmas day and left New Year's Eve night.  I watched the fireworks at midnight and then got on The Underground and headed to Heathrow


Stonehenge


Each one of these trips was amazing in their own way.  I left each country meeting people and making friends.  I came back with amazing stories and amazing experiences.


Last April I took a trip to Australia.  I booked my travel plans a week before I left.  It was a last minute trip to say the least.  Australia has always been on my places to go.  The only bad part of my trip was only being there for about a week.  Australia is so big and there's a great distance between the major cities that you definitely need to take a plane to each stop.



I landed and then walked across the Harbour Bridge to take my first selfie


Sun down at Manly Beach




It's not bungee jumping...just bridge climbing

So where do I go next?  Granted, I'd love to have a travel partner, but I don't know when I might find one. So a girl has to make her own plans. South Africa has always been on my travel wish list.  Cape Town looks amazing!  Spain and Greece are high up on my list as well.  Cuba would be awesome to see before it totally changes.  Iceland would be cool. I have to see the Northern lights at some point in my life.

There are so many places that would be amazing.  My only requirement is that I don't do tropical beach vacations by myself.  That's one type of vacation that I want to be with either girlfriends or my romantic friend.


The adventure is mine to make.


Saturday, February 18, 2017

LOVE: THE ONE GOAL YOU CAN'T CONTROL



This morning while I was in the shower, I was doing some deep thinking like I often do.  I was thinking about all the goals that I've set for myself over my life. I thought about all the things that I've achieved in my life, and all the things that I've set out to overcome.  

It's often said that anything you put your mind to, you can do.  When you set your mind to something that you can make it happen.   For the most part, I believe that's true.  I know despite where I've come from: not having a lot growing up, not getting the best grades, along with other factors, I've achieved a great deal to overcome what others would see as big setbacks.  

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be in Radio or TV.  Despite not having the best grades in school, I was determined to make this my career.  With hard work, determination, and people willing to give me a chance, I've been able to make a career of that childhood dream. 

Traveling has been a goal of mine as well. Even though I might not have had a travel partner for most of it, I've been able to visit some amazing places by myself that have been on my bucket list. For instance, most recently, my trip last April to Australia. (My goal is to make it to Cape Town, South Africa soon.)  

Others goals I've set of for myself have been: buying my house, getting in a good spot financially, and finding my person.  All of those goals I can make happen or have, except when it comes to love.  Love is the one goal that I think none of us can just set out and achieve or find.  Love is something that is out of our control.  

Many parts of our destiny, we have direct impact on seeing things come to pass or not.  If we want to make more money, there are things we can control to make that happen.   If you want to buy a house, start a business, or climb the corporate ladder, those are things that can be achieved with hard work and determination.  Love is not like that. 

I certainly can say "I want to find a husband by the end of 2017." However, finding a husband and finding love are two very different things.  I could go out on 100 dates over the course the year.  I might find someone who wants to marry me, but I won't necessarily find love.  I could put myself out there, go out every night of the week, meet some amazing people, but I may not find love. 

Love is a goal that most of us have, but it seems it is the one goal that we can't just make happen.  It's the goal we have absolutely no control over.  We can put ourselves in better situations in hopes to find it, whether it's in a physical spot or a mental spot. The point is, love seems to be something you can't just set out to find. Love has its own set of rules.  Love sets out to find you. 





Monday, January 16, 2017

JUMPING FROM ONE RELATIONSHIP TO THE NEXT... "THE MONKEY EFFECT"




I call it the "Monkey Effect" although, some might call it something else. Basically it's when a person has their backup person before they've finished the relationship they're in.  Whatever you want to call it, I've noticed that a lot of guys seem to do this. Granted, I know there's women that do this too, but it seems that as of late, I'm finding more guys that have their hands on multiple relationship branches at one time.

My girlfriend was telling me a story about a guy she had been seeing.  He told her that he likes to live his life like musical chairs, because he'll never be left without a seat.  He then went on to tell her that once he's done with her that he'll have a new chick in 30 minutes.  Yep...he actually said that crap to her.



I've always thought that if you're unhappy in the relationship you're in, you break up and then move on...not before.  Why is this such a hard concept for some people?  I think it's because these people can't be alone.  A lot of people can't enjoy their alone time. Maybe they don't really like themselves.

 I understand that being alone sucks.  Trust me, I get it.  I'm back to being single and I've got nothing going on.  No guys calling me, no dates lined up, and  no prospects to speak of.  Does that suck a little? Sure,  I wish I had some dating possibilities, but I'm being careful of who I spend my time with and I don't want to date just to occupy my time.  My time is precious and I've wasted enough of it.






Why is it so tough for people, men, women, whoever, to finish what they've started before they start with someone else?

I think a lot of people also have a 'grass is greener' mentality.  They can't be happy with what they have. They need constant attention and would rather get it from new prospects, than cultivate the relationship they're already in.   They always think that something better will come along.




I once dated a guy and he told me, "Erin, this is the first time I've never had a backup plan.  I always have something in the picture and right now I don't and it's scary. I'm putting all my eggs in your basket" Well first of all, Thank you? And secondly, I guess that should've been my clue that things wouldn't work out, because it didn't take too long for him to get his backup plan going again.



Having him tell me that hurt because I want to be with someone that really wants to be with me, and I want to know that I AM enough for them. Unfortunately, for some people, one person is never enough and they're always looking for the next best thing. Forming their roster of women so to speak.



If you're in a relationship with someone you should never be sending other women/men flirtatious messages, pictures, or be communicating with the intent of starting something with them.  If you want out, then leave. Don't go and line up your next set of prospects.  It's not how someone should treat another person...just sayin'.



Thursday, January 12, 2017

MY LIFE WITH A.D.D. AND DYSLEXIA




I was never a strong student when I was in school.  In fact, when I just think about school it gives me heart palpitations. To this day, I have a reoccurring dream that it's graduation day and I failed all my classes and I don't how or why. 

Over the course of my adulthood, I've noticed some things about myself that I thought I needed to get to the bottom of.  Despite having a great career, I've noticed that sometimes I have a hard time focusing. I seem to get distracted really easily.  Even as I write this, I have a hard time staying on task.  It seems like I always have a million thoughts running through my head at once.

A couple of years ago, I was starting to feel down about myself and that I wasn't smart.  I looked at those around me and it seemed like everyone else was able to get things done, but I struggled. I noticed that on the air, I had a hard time multi-tasking.  I would get sidetracked easily and often felt that I wasn't accomplishing all that I could be doing.  I still feel that way sometimes.

After doing a little research and talking to my therapist, I got tested for A.D.D. Turns out I indeed suffer from it. Having that answer helped shed some light on how I am now with work and how I was in school.

Something else I found out about myself is that I'm dyslexic.  As I mentioned before, I was a very average student at best.  When it came to reading assignments, I would rarely retain any info.  So when it came to taking tests, I was terrible.  I skated by in my classes and thankfully the career path I chose didn't require me to have an amazing GPA.

I often felt as if I wasn't smart.  My friends would talk about all these books they would read, and I just thought how boring that sounded.  People I know are so good at math. I remember a time when someone was discussing a pre-calculus problem and all I heard were numbers and letters and none of it made sense.


It wasn't until I saw an interview with Jennifer Aniston talking about being diagnosed with dyslexia as an adult that I knew I might be in the same boat as her.  In the interview she said she didn't like reading. That sounded like me. Then she said that when she did read, that her eyes would jump 4 words ahead and then 2 words backwards. Sounds like me.  Then, when she was asked about what she read, she wasn't able to retain much of anything. Sounds like me again.

I knew I finally had the answer to what had been bothering deep down all these years.  All these years I had been thinking I wasn't smart, but really I had a learning disability that didn't get figured out till now.  If only we had figured out this when I was a kid, how might my life be different today?

After taking a test with a specialist, he determined that I had a normal IQ and that I was dyslexic.  This made so much sense to me now.  I thought back to how I was in school and how I've been with my jobs. It shed so much light on how I learned. When it comes to learning something in school or work, I need to be shown, reading about it does nothing for me. It also shed light on my performance at work. For instance, when I did mornings and put together the entertainment report segment, I often would stumble over when I wrote.  I would then stumble over my words and sound like I didn't know what I was talking about. When I would do TV and read from the teleprompter, I often would read the script over and over ahead of time so that I wouldn't skip ahead while reading aloud.

In my current job, I noticed that when it comes to things I need to read on the air that I tend to memorize everything and just go off memory when talking on the air.  I'll often close my eyes when I do a break live on the air because it helps me not be distracted by other words I might see and lose my place in what I'm saying. 

There are so many things about myself that now make sense because I finally know the answer. So many of my habits or personality traits now make sense since discovering my dyslexia. A thing like me always running late is a sign of dyslexia...who knew! Having this knowledge about myself has helped me get a bit more confident when it comes to my intelligence.  

If you think you might be dyslexic, I encourage you to check out this website and look to see if you have any of these qualities.






https://www.dyslexia.com/about-dyslexia/signs-of-dyslexia/common-characteristics-of-adult-dyslexia/

Sunday, January 1, 2017

2016 WAS ROUGH...2017 HAS TO BE BETTER!




2016 was a tough year on multiple levels me and many people. I'm ready to see what 2017 has to offer.

The end of the year tends to be hard for me. First, I think it's because the holidays were never really celebrated in my home. Secondly, being single around the holidays is always tough and lastly, because I seem to always be really low on funds this time of year.

There's no doubt that I've had some rough spots in 2016.  My relationship of 2 years ended not just once, but twice. So much for second chances  The good that came from the first breakup was I took a trip to Australia to clear my head and spread my wings a bit.  The trip was amazing and I met some great people and had some amazing experiences.

Then fast forward to the second break up, aka "the final nail in the coffin."   After a small confession and apology, I gave him a second chance.  Things were good for about a month before I felt that he was up to no good again.  It became more and more clear with his less apologetic attitude, his pulling away, and blaming me for things.

That breakup set me back in several ways.  My self-esteem took a big hit.  You question your worth when someone betrays you the way he did. Even though I know deep down it's not about me and it isn't my fault, I can't help but beat myself up a bit.  It still doesn't feel good knowing that there is a person that pretended to care about  me so much, but then would be the person that hurts me the most.


My other setback was financially.  The trip to Australia was one that I really couldn't afford at the time.  Even though I got my flight with miles, I had to pay for my hotel which was a little spendy.  Then, when you add all the activities that I did while I was there, it made that trip a bit of a setback for me.

Once I was back I had more things financially to catch up on. My ex and I planned on moving into together.
I had purchased a bed for us, but once we broke up I decided that I was going to keep the bed instead of letting him keep it.  So that was an expense I wasn't expecting.  Add to that, the other bedroom furniture I bought to complete the bedroom set including a new mattress, I was now thousands of dollars deep in furniture I wasn't planning to buy solely by myself.

Since then I haven't been able to catch on up on things financially.  It seems there's always an added expense that I wasn't anticipating that makes it more difficult for me to get caught up or even make a dent on things.

I've had some other bumps over the course of the year, but it's all good.  I know that things could be worse.
Thankfully I did get a bit of good news to start things off in the right direction financially. Let's hope God brings good things my way in the other areas of my life.  Please Sweet baby Jesus!

I'm hoping that things will start to look up in 2017!

Monday, December 12, 2016

LEARNING TO FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO ISN'T SORRY


The last couple of years have been quite a learning experience.  I was in a relationship for 2 years with a man that was a narcissist.  Not only was he a narcissist, but he cheated on me repeatedly for the past 2 years.

I'm not sure exactly how much or how often he cheated, but let's say at the very least it was with a good handful of women.  In the beginning, he was good at covering his tracks and convincing me that he wasn't doing anything wrong. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.


Then as time went on there were other things happening in the relationship that made things and the relationship difficult.  His way of dealing with it was getting online and finding a new woman to give him attention.  Looking back, there is one point where I think he was cheating on me with at least 3 women at once.

It became rather obvious what he was doing because he started getting really sloppy with his cheating.  He almost became rather brazen about it.  Bringing one of the girls around his friends and family.

Needless to say, that was the end of the charade.  I had to come to terms that the person I believed loved me and said they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me was lying.  I had to stomach the notion that everything I had been told, everything that he told MY friends, everything he told HIS friends was all a complete lie. Every last word of it was all false. I had to come to terms that after he came back asking for a second chance, that everything was STILL a lie. I was lied to not just once, but twice.



It was my birthday and my parents were in town.  We all went out to dinner and he sat across from my mother and looked her in the eye, maybe even touched her hand and told her how sorry he was for cheating on me and that he was never going to do it again.  Guess what,  I later found out that he did it just 2 weeks later, if not the entire time.

Am I still angry in some ways? Yes!  This is a person that has no remorse and deep down doesn't feel bad for what he's done to me and to other women he dragged down.  This person embarrassed me in front of his entire family claiming that I was being crazy and distrusting.  His parents sat there and defended him.  Only to find out once again that I was right and he was indeed cheating on me in the situation in question.

I've been working on forgiving him for what he's done to me.  It's been very hard and there are days I have my setbacks.  I'm even trying to forgive his family.  Part of me believes that they know what he's like and choose to ignore it, but then sometimes I think they're blind to it because he's their son.



Forgiving someone who isn't sorry for what they've done is tough.  Trying to forgive someone who doesn't feel they need forgiveness is equally as tough.

Forgiveness is going to be a process, it doesn't happen in one moment.  I think it will be a longer process for me because this person isn't truly sorry for what he did, because he's still doing it. Only now he's doing it to someone else.  I did get a half ass apology via text after I called him out, but he didn't do it out the kindness of his heart or because he felt genuine remorse.  I'm convinced he's incapable of that emotion.

I know that I have to forgive so that my heart can be lighter and be open.  I know that I have to forgive so that I can be happy.  I know I have to forgive because it's the right thing to do.  It's just hard to forgive the person that doesn't care or isn't truly sorry.

It may take me a long time to fully forgive this person, but I hope it doesn't take that long.  Having that weigh on my heart isn't good for me and my progress to live a happy life in the future.  I just pray that God will help me everyday to accept what has happened and be able to let it go and forgive a person.


Wednesday, November 23, 2016

WHAT I'VE LEARNED ABOUT NARCISSISTS




We all learn something from our relationships.  I've learned a very painful lesson about narcissism and other personality disorders. In my relationship with a narcissist, I felt as if I couldn't do anything right.  I was made to feel like I was a bad person and everything that went wrong in our relationship was my fault.  It was after a big fight that I started doing some research about what I was going through and discovered that what I was dealing with was just par for the course with someone that has a personality disorder.  

They start off nice and act like you're the love of their life.

They will compliment you and act so proud of you.
They will show you off to all of their friends.
They will woo you and be chivalrous
  
They will slowly turn on you and start fights with you.
They will start fights out of nowhere 
They will start complaining that you're not giving them enough 
They'll start making you apologize for things you didn't know you did wrong.

They will say and do terrible things to you and not say sorry.
If they did something bad to you, they will deny it even if you were there (gaslighting)
They may apologize, but only if it benefits them

They lie ALL THE TIME
They will lie to your face.  
They will lie to everyone including your friends and family
They will lie even when confronted with hard evidence and facts

They never tell the whole truth
They never admit they're wrong
They turn things around on you
They make everything your fault

They will give you the silent treatment
They will withhold affection and sex from you when mad at you
They will tell you that people think you're in the wrong and they are right


They use your weaknesses against you
They will make you feel like you're crazy and make you doubt things
They attack you with information that you confided in them

They are constantly seeking out attention from others
They need constant reassurance from you and others
They need constant affection
They are never satisfied 

They cheat...A LOT
They cheat with multiple people at a time
They cheat even if you're engaged or married
They cheat and they blame you for it

They don't have real friends
They mostly have superficial relationships 
They don't appreciate what people do for them
They use people 

They don't really love you (unconditionally)
They don't care about your feelings
They don't care who they hurt 
They have no conscience


They only think of themselves
They are generally selfish 
They lack the ability to understand other's feelings
They don't think about consequences


They only keep you around to fulfill their needs
They come back if they want something from you
They always have someone else in the picture
They discard you when they have no more use for you 


They will never be happy
The sabotage the good in the lives
They are deeply troubled individuals

You will never be good enough for the narcissists.  They will always find something that you're not doing to be good enough.

If you're not fulfilling their needs to the level they want they will find someone else (even if you are, they'll cheat)



If you challenge them and stick up for yourself they will find someone else to fulfill their needs.

One painful lesson I've learned from my experience with a narcissist is that they don't feel remorse. They are not wired to feel bad for anything they've done. In fact, they don't believe they did anything wrong.  They think they're in the right and have a right to do what they do.

My narc cheated on me over and over and over again and only apologized when when he wanted me back, but even then he was still cheating.  He admitted to cheating on me with only 1 woman. As it turns out it was at least 4-5 different women. I'm sure there were more that I'm not able to trace.  Point is, I was never his girl, I was never the only one.

I know that I will never get an "I'm Sorry" for all the horrible things he did to me while we were together. I know he will always blame me and say that I'm the one with issues.  I know that he'll never admit to any wrongdoing more than the one thing he already admitted to.  I know that he will never change and will continue to treat every woman the same as he did me.  



This is just the tip of the iceberg on my experience with a narcissist. There is sooo much more to my story and I hope I'll be able to share it one day.