Monday, February 12, 2018

TOP 10 QUALITIES I WANT IN MY PERSON





After my last attempt at dating and finding a relationship, I’ve decided to revisit the list of qualities I want in my person. I came upon this conclusion with the help one of my girlfriends. I was telling her that part of the reason I’m taking a break from dating is because I’m not sure what I’m looking for anymore.  So she encouraged me to go back over that list and focus on the things that might have changed since I last wrote my list.

As I’ve mentioned before I feel like I’ve tried just about everything and have dated all over the board. Do I want a guy with no kids or kids? If he has kids...how old and how many? Divorced or never married? Younger or older? Business or blue collar? Shorter or taller? I honestly don’t know anymore. So I sat down and thought of some things I think will be good for me moving forward.

1.  NOT ADDICTED TO SOCIAL MEDIA - One of the things I’ve decided I’ll be looking for in someone is, a guy not really into social media.  Maybe he’s on Facebook or Instagram, but he’s not on it ALL OF THE TIME. Maybe he’s too busy with work and doesn’t really have time for it. Whatever social media he is on, I certainly don’t want him trolling for chicks on it! Some might say, “Erin you’re on social media all the time!” Yes I am. However, most of the time, I’m on social media for work and building my brand as a personality and public figure. Also, I think I want to steer clear of guys that are really into snapchat. I’ve noticed in the last 2 years or so that social media has played a role in my relationships that I didn’t like. Trust me when I say, you can learn a lot from a person by their social media activity! A LOT!!

2. To go along with that, I want someone that doesn’t need attention from a lot of women. Something that has really stuck out to me in the last several years of dating and listening to my friends’ stories, is the amount of guys that need attention from multiple chicks.  Again, he’s not on social media trolling for chicks, but he also doesn’t have 4-5 girls or (insert number here) that he’s “talking to”, sleeping with, or has on a chain “just in case.” Maybe that’s how it is these days, but I’m not a fan. It’s one thing if you’re just going on dates without intimacy, but if you’ve talked about how you’re only sleeping with that person and he’s still got other girls texting him...in my opinion...TOTALLY NOT COOL!

And to say one thing on the prior two points, I look at several women here locally that are in the public eye, that are in relationships, and their husbands or boyfriends aren’t following a bunch of chicks or “Inta-hoes.” Also, they certainly aren’t going around trying to get attention from other women.  The last thing I need is some girl I’ve never met, messaging me telling me that my man has been DM’ing her...or worse. Been there...and I don’t like being on the receiving end of that.  It really hurts and is humiliating.

As for the rest of the list..here we go...

3.  MUST LOVE DOGS - For me this also on my non-negotiables list. I really love dogs and can’t imagine not having any. I mean, I’m the girl that usually talks to the family dog at a party before the people. So for me, this is hands down 100% a must!

4.  READY FOR COMMITMENT  - I’m looking for someone that’s also looking for that person in their life. Someone that wants a meaningful relationship of mutual respect. Someone that is looking for their best friend and partner. I’m looking for someone who is ready for his player days to be behind him and is happy with seeing my name pop up on his phone with a text versus a list of chicks.

5. SOMEONE I FIND ATTRACTIVE - He doesn’t need to be uber hot, all buffed out, and the male version of an “Insta-hoe”. I just need to think he’s attractive to me. I mean, I’m going “get it on” with him for years right?

6.  SMART/SUCCESSFUL  - I don’t care if he has a MBA or if didn’t even finish college. If you’re smart and are doing well for yourself that’s what I care about. I didn’t go to a 4 year college. Actually, either did my ex-husband, but both of us are pretty darn successful in our careers and I’d like to think pretty dang smart.

7.  LEVEL HEADED - I don't need or want a guy that’s a hot head.  Granted, we can all get pissy or moody...maybe one day you lose your shit and throw a temper tantrum. However, it’s not OK for me to have a guy that will fly off the handle at the drop of a hat or freak the f*$& out in public.  I’ve actually dated several guys that have either gone off on people in traffic or someone else in public. To be honest, it kinda freaks me out and it’s a bit embarrassing.  Again, I’m a public person, so the last thing I need is my boyfriend getting in fist fight (or worse) with another driver or some guy at a bar when he’s drunk.

8.  KIND/COURTEOUS  - Someone that has empathy and thinks of other people’s feelings. You’d think this would be a given, but in the day of overwhelming self-importanace and narcissism, people who think of other people’s feelings are actually not easy to come by these days.  To me it all boils down to, “Treat others as you want to be treated.”

9. SELF-AWARE - We all lack confidence in some area.  That’s why so many of us over compensate with something.  I’m the first to admit that I’m self-conscious and lack confidence in areas of my life.  I’m totally aware of these issues. In fact, I’ll admit that to anyone.  I go to counseling to work on it, and do things everyday to build myself up and make myself better.  Am I perfect? NO! Once again,  I’m aware of it and work on it. Whereas, a lot of people shove their issues under a rug hoping no one will notice or will choose to ignore them and let their (sometimes) bad behavior continue. We all have issues and it amazes me how many people I know and see, that either ignore their issues and don’t try to be better, or are completely oblivious on how they are as people.

10. ACCEPTS ME FOR ME - Granted, I have my quirks, but honestly I’m pretty easy going. I’m not a diva. I don’t need to be treated like I’m some pretty pretty princess all the time. I can stay in a fancy hotel or one that’s just ok. Again, I can eat or drink fancy...or can eat at a hole in the wall and drink at a dive bar. I can take shots or drink cahmpagne. I can hang just about anywhere. The only thing I’m not cool with is going to the bathroom in the wilderness. And even then...I’d at least try and figure it out!  I’ll admit, I hate cleaning anything, I can procrastinate, I have a potty mouth, and hold wine glasses from the wrong part of the glass. And those are just a few of the things a guy is going have to absorb to be with me.

 This is the nuts and bolts of my list. Sure I could get super picky, but I think moving forward these are the 10 things that I need to really look for and look out for. #FINDYOURSELFFEBRUARY

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

ARE YOU A LOUIS VUITTON?



During my recent trip to Spain, I met a guy in Madrid.  While we chatted and got to know each other over several glasses of Spanish wine, he told me that he writes a blog. I said, “Wait! I write a blog!  What do you write about?”  He said he writes about various topics, but one of the topics is relationships.  Again, I was like “Hey! I do too!”  He had me read a few that he wrote in English and they were really good!  I could tell after reading just the first paragraph that he was a deep thinker.  Granted, he studied psychology in college, but his writing was deep, but also with feeling.  There was a blog that he told me about that wasn’t in English asking “Are you a Louis Vuitton?”


When I got back stateside, I had my Spanish speaking friend translate his blog for me.  There were several things that stuck out to me.  I’m paraphrasing, but he wrote, “You’re the envy of people, and have so much that people wish they had.  Your parents are proud of you.  You do great things.  You are valuable.  You are like a prized Louis Vuitton bag.  So why do you treat yourself like a grocery bag?” 


He talked about how women, we devalue ourselves because of the person we are with.  We let the person we are with take advantage of our weaknesses.  We let them treat us less than we are worth because we are afraid.  We let others treat us less than because we’re more comfortable with the bad with him, then the good that could be with someone else.  That fear of starting over.  So we settle to be treated like a grocery bag.  We settle for what is comfortable even if it’s not what is best for us.  He said that if we stood up for ourselves with a smile that they would have to change.  If they didn’t, we shouldn’t worry about the loneliness that may follow because it never ends badly.

After listening to my friend translate it, I examined myself and my life.  I went through my recent relationships and attempted relationships.  My last major relationship was one that ended terribly.  He was someone that was incredibly manipulative and did some very unconscionable things.  I learned how truly terrible people can be and it made me question a lot in people.  That ended because he left me with no choice.

I looked at a situation where I was interested in dating someone.  That was a situation I should’ve walked away after the first date, but because I thought he was attractive and funny I decided to take less than I deserve because of a “maybe.”  Maybe he’ll change his mind; maybe he’ll be ready to date soon.  I finally realized my worth and walked.

Lastly, I looked at my last attempt at a relationship.  One that I thought could actually be something really really good.  Someone who I thought really liked me and appreciated me for the person I am.  However, when I was honest with my feelings and my concerns about something he had done, instead of standing up, understanding, working through it and making changes...he decided he wouldn’t deal with it and walked away.  That sucked.  However, I am proud of myself for realizing my worth and telling him how I didn’t appreciate what he was doing.  It didn’t end like my Spanish friend said it might, with him realizing my worth and changing his ways.  It ended much differently.  Although, he did admit that I’m an amazing catch...so apparently he’s not in the market for a Louis Vuitton bag right now.  Maybe he’s more in the market for that grocery bag my Spanish friend mentioned.

I think a lot of ladies deep down know what we deserve, but we are scared we’ll never find it or that it doesn’t exist.  Or we’re scared that we’ll be alone forever.  God knows I’ve thought that before.  I know I stayed around in the first relationship I mentioned because I was convincing myself that it wasn’t that bad.  Deep down I knew I should’ve been treated better, but I was willing to stay for whatever reason.  I can say now that maybe it’s a good thing he did the things he did, because maybe if he hadn’t, I might be still be dealing with his excuses and would be incredibly unhappy inside.

I’m getting better with standing up for myself.  Some of my friends tell me that when someone walks out my life that I should have an attitude of “On to the next one!”  Part of me does feel that way, but I still get bummed when they don’t realize what a great catch I am and what I have to offer...so sometimes I take it personally.  Maybe I need to tell myself over and over that I am a Louis and if he wants some other girl, then sorry about your downgrade.

I think truly understanding my value and what I deserve is one of the reasons I’ve decided to take a break from dating for a while.  Deep down I do know what a great catch I am.  I know that I’m a person with A LOT to offer and possess really amazing qualities.  I mean, let’s brag on me for a second.  I am independent, self-sufficient, funny, thoughtful, caring, compassionate, attractive, fun, loyal, adventurous, faithful, hardworking, sexy, smart, and the list goes on.  I have a great career that I worked hard for.  I pay for my own stuff.  I bought my own house.  I love deeply.  I think deeply. Heck...I traveled the world BY MYSELF!!  I am a good person, a great catch and most of all I have a good heart.  Someone just told me that “Erin, girls like you don’t come around a lot and you deserve someone who will treat you that way.”

There are times that I see what guys choose over me and I do get frustrated.  I think “I’m such a better catch than what they’re hanging out with and yet...they want that?”  But then again, going back to what I said in an earlier blog, sometimes guys want what is easy at the time.  Or maybe they do realize what a great catch I am and know that they can’t give me what I need.  So they leave and go to be with what’s comfortable for them.  Will it hurt the next time I meet someone I like that doesn’t appreciate me and what I have to offer?  I'm sure it will.  However, like my Spanish friend said, that pain is only temporary.


Remember ladies, Louis Vuitton handbags are something not everyone can afford. They are expensive; and you can’t get them just any old place.  Sure, there are imitations, but they aren't the quality of the real thing. They are in fact, just that...imitations. 

Sure, Michael Kors handbags are nice, but you can get them at an outlet mall for several hundred dollars. Louis Vuitton handbags cost thousands of dollars.  


So ask yourself...Are you the grocery bag? Are you the outlet Michael Kors handbag? Or are you a valuable and prized Louis Vuitton handbag that you can’t get just anywhere?

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

STARTING MY DATING CLEANSE...#FYF

I have several good guys friends/coworkers that give me advice about relationships.  One of those good friends is Nick. I call him one of my work husbands.  Nick is on the air after me on The Bull and everyday he comes in early to get ready for his show.  Over the course of the last 4 years he's heard a lot of my relationship and dating stories. He's listened to me cry, get angry, and question everything about myself.  He was there through all of my relationship with my ex-fiance.  There's some advice that he gave me that I'll still never forgot.  Turns out he was right.  He listens to me go over every situation multiple times. So, I'm sure there’s been times that he's wanted to shake me like a baby because he was tired of hearing about it.


The other day we were talking about how I believe most guys have a Plan B and that there's always a girl on the back burner, a girl that they're texting and flirting with other than the main chick.  He told me he thinks I need to take a serious break from dating.  At first, I was a bit irritated, because I was thinking, "Wait a second! I'm telling you that I think most guys always have a chick on the back burner and never go without. Whether it's getting attention or sex...they aren't out of the game long, and yet you're telling me that I should purposefully take myself out of the game?"   


He told me that I should take the month of February and not go on any dates, no dating apps, and no sex.  He said that I need to take myself totally out of the dating world and see what happens. He thinks that I should see how I spend my time, what I think about, and where I direct my energy when dating is not an issue.  OK...this might be an interesting challenge.  I told him that I'll probably have a break down at some point knowing that I've got nothing going on, no one that's texting or spending time with me, and that the guys of my past are probably swimming in p*$$y.  He said, "You're making a choice to do this. You're choosing solitude."  He went on tell me that sometimes you just need to take a step back and reset and if I'm still looking at life with the dating lens on, that you can't reset.


He has seen me go through a lot in the last several years to find a lasting relationship.  He said, "You've been hitting it hard and have been trying the dating thing for a while. Maybe you need to take a break and just see what happens in your life when you're not looking to date or not looking for ANY kind of distractions from guys. He’s right. I’ve been trying for what seems like forever. I feel like Charlotte from Sex In The City. 






Nick said for the month of February, “If a guy wants to take you out on a date, you tell him you're not going out on any dates until March 1st. If he wants to know why, then you say ‘If you're still talking to me on March 1st, then I'll tell ya’...then you're putting him to the test. If he's interested, he'll stick around."  


I'm not going lie, I'm a little nervous about what I just agreed to. Although, I do think it will be good to see what happens when I let go, and just work on myself for a month without any distraction of guys.  I found an interesting article online called 21 Reasons to Go on a Dating Cleanse. I went over the list and I think I counted about 14 or 15 out the 21 reasons that I related to.  So it's probably a good idea for me to do this dating cleanse and month of self discovery. I mean...I’ve tried. I’ve dated, got hurt, picked myself up, tried again and again, and for some reason it’s not working out for me. What's the definition of insanity??


I was talking with my work husbands just today and I said, "You know...I'm actually really glad I'm taking this break from dating.  I feel a bit lost.  I don't know when someone is being genuine anymore. Maybe part of it is because of my line of work, but I sometimes question when people give me a compliment or are kind to me.  I think, "Are you really being nice or are you trying to get tickets out of me?"   I also don't know whether to believe someone's words or actions and I'm starting to question both. I've had guys do very nice things for me only to change their mind or do something that’s not OK.  I've had guys tell me that I am so awesome, so cool, and they said how lucky to have a girl like me...and they left.  I need to figure out who is REAL and if they are impeccable with their word and actions.  


My good girlfriend told me I need to come up with several lists. One of them is a list of all the things I enjoy doing or would like to do and start checking those things off in February.  Next, she wanted me to revisit the list of qualities I want in my person and come up with a list of non-negotiables.  For instance, he must love dogs. The last list she wants me to write is a list of “red flags.” I think maybe I’ll include some yellow flags as well.


Again, I know I'll probably get a little lonely, and there will be moments where I have every type of emotion. I'll have some serious moments of soul searching and reflecting on myself that will be enlightening. I know this is a good experiment and a good thing for me.  My trip to Spain was a good start. I walked around without worrying about life.  I just got to observe life and appreciate it.  I should probably just be Erin and appreciate her for awhile.

So for the next month I publicly declare it #FindYourselfFebruary...#FYF  I'm already off to a good start.  Today I got back to the gym and signed up with a personal trainer to whoop my butt for the next month.  If you feel like you're in a rut then maybe taking the next month for yourself would be good for you too.

 Erin




Thursday, January 25, 2018

GETTING DATING BLINDSIDED

I wrote this sitting in the United Airlines lounge waiting for my flight to Lisbon. I was thinking about one of recent dating experiences. At first, I wasn’t going to write about it because I wanted to act like I didn’t care, but I did care; and no matter what...there’s something to learn from this. I’m just not sure I realize what all the lessons are.





I started seeing a guy that I originally met on Bumble. He was several years younger than me, but we had some things in common that were pretty big. He didn’t want kids and neither did I. We both had dogs, good careers, like country music, and had a good time when we hung out. Things moved rather quick for us. He seemed to really like me and would do some very sweet things that showed that he liked me. I was a smitten kitten. For the first time in a long time I liked someone, they liked me, and things just seemed to be flowing quite nicely...and I was following where he was leading me with his words and actions.

It wasn’t until we attended a big holiday party that something really bothered me. He was grabbing drinks for us at the bar and I was standing a bit behind him when he pulled out his phone. When I looked over, I saw that he was messaging his ex girlfriend on Snapchat. My heart just sank. Here we are at this big event (something he paid a lot of money for), all dressed up, meeting up with friends when that happens. Up until that point I didn’t have any real big issues with things he did. There were little things here and there that made my radar go up, but nothing like this. You know yellow flags, but maybe not red flags. 


Honestly, I almost walked out without saying anything because I was so hurt by it.  (Maybe deep down that heart sinking feeling I had was because I knew it was over.)  Nonetheless, I decided to let it go for a bit, but after having another drink I decided to bring it up to him. I calmly said, “I noticed that you were texting ____ earlier, is everything ok? He said, Yeah everything is fine.” I told him that him texting her bothered me. I said I thought it was inappropriate for him to be texting her at that moment. I knew they were still communicating, but I wasn’t sure on how often and what the dynamic was. I went on to tell him I didn’t talk to my ex and it really hurt my feelings that he was texting her. He explained that they do talk probably more than he should and that as things progress with us he’ll cut things off. At the moment his answer was enough to make it go away.


The next day I got really sick and stayed home from work for the next 2 days. While I was home alone, not doing a lot, and not talking to him a ton, I had a lot of time to think and mull over things. I talked to him and told him that it had been messing with me a bit that he was still texting her and it was making me feel insecure. At that moment, I opened Pandora’s box. He told me that my concerns reminded him of how things ended with his ex (the one he was texting). Needless to say, later that night he broke up with me. He told me that my “insecurities” were a “red flag” for him and that he thought it was too early for them to be coming in our relationship...so he was done. Well OK then...that’s not what I was expecting. Which by the way...when are insecurities gonna come up?  I would think it's better to have it come up early in the relationship versus later when you're an established couple.  


Most of our conversation is a blur. I think I was in shock, so I remember a lot of it in clips. I think the biggest part I didn’t understand is how he went from “Please tell me if anything reminds you of your ex or if anything I do bothers you so I can fix it,” to all of the sudden “You bringing this up and still thinking about it a couple days later reminds me of my ex and is a red flag.”


Unfortunately, there was no changing his mind. I was so hurt and really bummed. Not trying to sound like a girl from "The Bachelor", but I thought he had real potential. I thought I finally found someone that was going to like me for me and was willing to look beyond my emotional scars of the past.  Apparently I had picked wrong again.


I’ve tried to analyze the “whys” and the “what’s” of the situation, because...well let’s be honest...that’s what I do. My friends gave their opinion. I wondered if I did something wrong. Then I quickly realized that I did absolutely nothing wrong. I was telling him how I feel in a mature way and setting up my boundaries for how I wanted to be treated. I should never regret that. In fact, I should give myself some credit because in the past I've let things go that I should've spoken up about and didn't.

I tried coming up with some sort of conclusion. I thought maybe there was someone else...maybe several someone else’s, like he joked about one time. Maybe deep down he isn’t ready to settle down with just one woman. Maybe he wasn’t up for the challenge of what it takes for a real relationship...or wasn’t willing to provide what I required. Maybe he liked the thought of dating me, but the reality of a what a relationship with me entails is too much for him. I wondered and analyzed all this because I honestly can’t make sense of how my concern for him being disrespectful was a reason to break things off with me. It makes no sense at all.


And furthermore, I’ll never figure out how this guy went from saying how lucky he is to be dating such a cool girl like me, calling me everyday, texting all day everyday, making time for me, bringing me around his family and some of his friends, doing super sweet things for me...to all of the sudden we're done and he's acted like he didn't ever care about me at all.  I’ll always wonder, was he really being sincere with ANYTHING he did or said? Was it an act? Was he trying to convince himself or convince me that he really cared or was a good guy? I’ll never know.


What sucks is...and it always disappoints me when I see it, but I’ve realized that sometimes it really doesn’t matter how smart, attractive, funny, successful, cool, sexy, put together, interesting, or what a great catch you are. Sometimes men won’t want all that you have to offer or won’t be able to handle that. Maybe they’re not ready for you. Maybe deep down they really do prefer the chick that posts pictures of her boobs and new eyebrows...I don’t know. Sometimes, guys just want what is easy.

You just never know what’s going in someone else’s head and what their true intentions are. So you just have to continue to be you and be the best you for the next person that WILL appreciate you for YOU. ALL OF YOU! Someone that WILL take the good with the bad and will work to make it work...because you are worth it.

I know I'm not perfect by any means, and I have some scars from a past relationship that have made me build a wall that may be hard to crack. I just got keep working on being a better me and keep the faith that there will be a man I meet one day that will be willing to scale my wall, will stick around, and won't run when I confront them with something that bothers me.




Friday, October 6, 2017

ONE MAN'S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN'S TREASURE

You've heard that term used when it comes to things that people throw out.  Something that someone saw as junk and someone else found a great use for it.  That goes for people too.


We all meet people who don't appreciate us.  We also meet people that we probably don't fully appreciate.  Let me tell you about the moment when this happened in my life and how it hit me.

I had started talking to a guy back in March or so. After texting and meeting up for drinks a couple of times he told me that he wasn't wanting to date anyone serious right now.  Well...OK then!  We were still friends, but it was more like friends that would mess around here and there.  Like a total idiot I liked him and hoped that he'd change his mind.

Eventually, I grew tired of being the girl that he would say "Hi" to and would only want to hang out with maybe once a month.  I felt as though I was wasting my time on someone that didn't appreciate me or give a crap about me as a person. So I stopped talking to him.  I'm not really sure what he thought of me.  I do think he thought I had some good qualities and I had things that he liked in someone, but I'm not sure if in his mind he looked at me as that chick he can text if he had no other options.  By the amount I heard from him and saw him...it's probably a safe bet that that's how he thought of me.   I feel like I was just a girl on the list.

Coming to terms with the notion that that's probably how he felt about me hurt a lot.  I second guessed my worth and my value.  I wondered if I'd ever find someone that appreciates me. I got mad at myself for taking the scraps for as long as I did.  I even sat down and wrote a list of my good and bad qualities.  Some of my guy friends helped a lot and shared what they thought were some of my good qualities, even some bad ones too. They thought of things I wouldn't have. They helped me see all the things that I bring to the table that this guy didn't care about. My guy friends also helped me realize that I wasn't getting treated well and that I deserved better.




Then, not long after I stopped talking to that guy,  I met someone else.  This guy was super nice and he asked me out on dates...REAL DATES!  He seemed genuinely interested and you know what else?  He actually gave me compliments and told me how pretty I was.  WHAT????  This is crazy! (I don't think the other guy ever paid me a genuine compliment.)  I'm not going to lie, I was wondering at first if there was something wrong with him because he seemed so interested.  He'd tell me that he like to see me again and he'd actually follow through and take me dinner!


After I stopped over analyzing why this new guy liked me, I had to laugh to myself.  Here I went from a guy that would barely text me back, rarely wanted to hang out, always seemed too busy, acted inappropriately, and pretty much didn't seem give a crap about me. (I'm not sure if he even looked at me as a friend.)  Maybe to him I was just that girl on the radio that he hooked up with and if he was bored, then I would hear from him.  He didn't seem to have any respect for me or value me as a person. He didn't seem to care about my feelings. He didn't seem to appreciate my good qualities. He probably just thought of me as notch. Then I go to a guy that wants to hang out 3 times in one week. He wants to be around me.  He takes me on real dates and plans things.  He includes me where he doesn't have to. He compliments me and tells me things that he likes about me as a person.  He acknowledges what I have to offer. How can this be?

It's crazy to think that I'm the same person and have been myself with both of these guys, yet the one guy could have frickin cared less and treated me like I really didn't matter. Then the other guy enjoys hanging out with me and wants to get to know me as a person. How can two people treat you so differently?

It really is like what the one guy didn't care to have, the other is happy to have found it.  It also just goes to show you that there IS someone who will appreciate you. It may not always work out, but it can at least give you hope and let you know it can happen.



 


Wednesday, September 20, 2017

MY TRIP TO GREECE...I DID IT FOR ME

I just celebrated my 40th birthday and took a trip to Greece to mark the big day.  This trip was truly an amazing trip and probably the best I've ever taken...and taken alone.



When I was thinking about what I wanted to do for my big birthday I thought about maybe taking a trip with friends, or maybe throw a big party here in Houston.  I had several people give their opinions about what I should do.   However, I knew that if the people I invited didn't show up that my feelings would get hurt. And instead of enjoying my birthday I would have felt as though people didn't like me. (ridiculous I know, but that's how I'd feel)  So I made a decision that I was going to take a trip by myself and check a place off my bucket list.  I decided to do something that I wanted to do and not care about anyone else.  I did it for me.

Most of my life I feel like I've been living and doing things for other people.  When I was married, my life and career path was based off what happened to my husband.  I quit jobs because of what was happening in his career. When you're married, you do make sacrifices, but when you're the only one sacrificing...that's tough.

Especially in the last couple of years I feel like I was doing things to make others happy. In my last relationship I feel as though a lot of the time I was constantly doing things to keep him happy.  It seemed to me that much of the time I was never good enough and was jumping through hoops to keep the peace. Doing things that I didn't feel comfortable with because it made him happy.


Even when it comes to dating I've pretty much done things, acted a certain way, and said certain things hoping to a get a guy to like me.  I was compromising myself for someone else, who most of the time didn't even know what they wanted themselves.  


On this vacation I had a lot of time to think and reflect.  I thought a lot about the things I've learned in my life and where I am with what I want in life.  I thought about the time I've wasted on people that don't deserve my time let alone my brain space.  I've thought about what I feel like I've been missing in my life and what I can I do to get there.  I will admit, at one point I got a little sad because I was disappointed about not having certain things I wanted in life, but I snapped out of it and went on to have a great rest of my trip.

Traveling alone has its challenges, but it also it so liberating.  Not having to worry about anyone else is great.  I don't have to babysit a wasted boyfriend.  I don't have to worry about getting in a fight with them.  I'm in charge of me and I get to do whatever and frankly whoever I want!

Don't get me wrong, I would've loved to have "my person" to travel with and I hope to have that one day, but until then I need to do things for me.  The only thing is...I need to make more money to make some of this happen.





Monday, July 17, 2017

LIFE IS SHORT AND PRECIOUS

Several things have happened lately that have really demonstrated how short life is and how truly precious it is.




Some people may know that back in May my father died unexpectedly.  He was out mowing the lawn and collapsed.  The paramedics and medical examiner determined that he had a massive heart attack.   He was just 64 years old.  He wasn't even old enough to get social security.  He also wasn't able to enjoy any of his retirement because he and my mother struggled financially.  As a result of his passing I'm currently taking care of my mother until we figure out what the next step is for her.

My mother and father were married 41 years and spent everyday together. They went everywhere and did everything together.  Now that my dad is gone, I know that my mom doesn't really know what to do with herself.  I'm not sure even knows what she wants to do moving forward.

When my dad died, not only did his life get cut short, but my mom's life was turned upside down. She keeps talking about all the things that she and my dad wanted to do, looked forward to doing, or hoped they would be able to do one day.



Another example happened while I was on a date recently.  I explained to him that my dad recently passed away and that I was taking care of my mother while we figure out what to do next.  He explained that he also was taking care of his mother.  However, she was battling cancer and was staying with him while she was getting treatment at MD Anderson.  It's early in her treatment process, so who knows what will happen in the coming weeks and months, but it was something that weighed heavy on him.  She also is pretty young. I believe she's 66 and from what my date mentioned, a lot of his family members have passed early in life or have had cancer at a young age.

My last example is something that just happened today.  I had logged onto my Bumble app and a guys' profile pops up.  I was going through his pictures and noticed that in some of them he appeared to be rather skinny and gaunt.  When I got to the his profile description he mentioned that he was battling stage 4 cancer and was currently undergoing chemo.  My mouth dropped.  I went on to read him say that he wants whoever he dates to know that he may not be around in 2-5 years.  My eyes just welled up with tears.  Here was a guy the same age as me that was hoping to find love just like me.  Yet, he was dealt a terrible hand and was battling for his life.

I just sat there and cried, thinking about life and the things that I worry about.  How the things that have kept me up at night, whether it's a guy that doesn't want to date me or finding enough money to pay all my bills were all so trivial in comparison to what he was dealing with currently.  I then wondered if he felt alone and sad because he was going through the biggest battle of his life and was possibly doing it all alone without anyone to help.  I also wondered why he decided to get on Bumble.  Did he put off getting into a relationship until it was the perfect time for him, but then this happened and he realized he didn't have time to waste anymore?

Our time on earth is so short.  Are you making the most of it?  Are there things that you want to do, but are putting off until it's a perfect time?  There are things that will happen when it happens, but there are things that we ignore and put off until we think the timing is right for us.



Be thankful for your health.  Be grateful for the time you have with the people you love. And if there's something that you want to do, don't wait to do it until it's too late.