In the last several years being in the dating scene and using dating apps, I've often found how fast people lose interest or will cut you off quickly. Some of that can be blamed on the modern day "hook-up" culture, but it also can be blamed on how people view others and their options. In the world where there seems to be infinite options, a lot of people are dating multiple people at a time and never really picking one. Others may pick a main person to hang out with, but are still constantly weighing their options. Whether that means they are still on dating apps or still have several people they are texting or hooking up with, they are keeping themselves from making a choice.
One part of the Paradox of Choice or also called the Tyranny of Choice, is that some people fear that once they've made a choice, that they picked wrong. It's that fear that keeps them from moving forward in the relationship. For example, here's a situation that happened to me. I had been seeing a guy for about a month or so that was still in contact with his ex-girlfriend. I wasn't sure of the full extent of their contact, but knew they talked somewhat frequently. It wasn't till he broke things off with me that I found out just how much they were still in each other's lives. I ended up talking to him about what happened and why he wasn't able to truly cut ties with his ex and also why he popped back in the picture. His answer was a bit surprising to me. He said, what if he made the wrong decision? What if he chooses and then it fails? So basically, he couldn't get rid of her because what if he made a mistake, so then he never truly gave me a fair chance because of the "what if." Then he breaks things off with me, but pops back in the picture because he feels like he made a mistake, but he still is not ready to make a choice on anything because what if it fails. Does that make sense? Were you able to follow all of that?
I found an article that talks about why too much choice is ruining dating. One of things that stuck out to me is, if you meet someone that you like, what is the likeliness that you'll get off the dating apps to focus on them? Having too much choice makes us pickier and more uncertain. You're also more likely to second guess the person you pick (the fear of making the wrong decision)
As for myself I know that I suffer from this in a way. For the most part, I don't ever choose anyone because typically the guys I like never like me back, or no one really peaks my interest. In the event that I like a guy and they like me, I don't have an issue focusing on them. Basically if I pick you, then you're lucky because I don't pick very easily. If I really feel chemistry with someone, I don't talk to other guys (not that I talk to a lot as it is). To be perfectly honest with you, if I like someone and I get giddy and excited when I see their name pop up on my phone, then I'm willing to focus on them and give them a fair shot.
As for always fearing that you made the right decision or not, I found a really great article that opened up my eyes a lot about the last person I dated (mentioned above). It talked about how to overcome the fear of making the wrong decision. For him, he had the fear that he made the wrong decision on both sides. Did he make the wrong decision with breaking things off and did he make the wrong decision on who picked...and will it fail?! So he has a fear of commitment in both moving forward and letting go. How's that for complicated? He wasn't willing to get rid of his "Safety Net", i.e. the ex-girlfriend. I believe he was hoping that things with me would progress enough that then he would have to cut things off. He was waiting for things to be so great with me that, then and only then, would he get rid of his ex, because then he would know that he made the right decision in breaking things off with her. Yet, things with me would never be able to move forward because his unwillingness to be 100% in. His fear of things not working out made it so that he would not let go of her and also not progress with me. And in the end, when he got scared about his decision to date me, he went back to being the middle where he doesn't have to choose anyone.
Dating isn't going to get any better until we decide that we truly want a meaningful relationship and move forward from past hurts and fears. The grass isn't always going to be greener. When you start dating someone, ask yourself "Are they are good catch?" If they are, and there's lots of things you like about them, then why wouldn't you give them a shot?
One part of the Paradox of Choice or also called the Tyranny of Choice, is that some people fear that once they've made a choice, that they picked wrong. It's that fear that keeps them from moving forward in the relationship. For example, here's a situation that happened to me. I had been seeing a guy for about a month or so that was still in contact with his ex-girlfriend. I wasn't sure of the full extent of their contact, but knew they talked somewhat frequently. It wasn't till he broke things off with me that I found out just how much they were still in each other's lives. I ended up talking to him about what happened and why he wasn't able to truly cut ties with his ex and also why he popped back in the picture. His answer was a bit surprising to me. He said, what if he made the wrong decision? What if he chooses and then it fails? So basically, he couldn't get rid of her because what if he made a mistake, so then he never truly gave me a fair chance because of the "what if." Then he breaks things off with me, but pops back in the picture because he feels like he made a mistake, but he still is not ready to make a choice on anything because what if it fails. Does that make sense? Were you able to follow all of that?
I found an article that talks about why too much choice is ruining dating. One of things that stuck out to me is, if you meet someone that you like, what is the likeliness that you'll get off the dating apps to focus on them? Having too much choice makes us pickier and more uncertain. You're also more likely to second guess the person you pick (the fear of making the wrong decision)
As for myself I know that I suffer from this in a way. For the most part, I don't ever choose anyone because typically the guys I like never like me back, or no one really peaks my interest. In the event that I like a guy and they like me, I don't have an issue focusing on them. Basically if I pick you, then you're lucky because I don't pick very easily. If I really feel chemistry with someone, I don't talk to other guys (not that I talk to a lot as it is). To be perfectly honest with you, if I like someone and I get giddy and excited when I see their name pop up on my phone, then I'm willing to focus on them and give them a fair shot.
As for always fearing that you made the right decision or not, I found a really great article that opened up my eyes a lot about the last person I dated (mentioned above). It talked about how to overcome the fear of making the wrong decision. For him, he had the fear that he made the wrong decision on both sides. Did he make the wrong decision with breaking things off and did he make the wrong decision on who picked...and will it fail?! So he has a fear of commitment in both moving forward and letting go. How's that for complicated? He wasn't willing to get rid of his "Safety Net", i.e. the ex-girlfriend. I believe he was hoping that things with me would progress enough that then he would have to cut things off. He was waiting for things to be so great with me that, then and only then, would he get rid of his ex, because then he would know that he made the right decision in breaking things off with her. Yet, things with me would never be able to move forward because his unwillingness to be 100% in. His fear of things not working out made it so that he would not let go of her and also not progress with me. And in the end, when he got scared about his decision to date me, he went back to being the middle where he doesn't have to choose anyone.
Dating isn't going to get any better until we decide that we truly want a meaningful relationship and move forward from past hurts and fears. The grass isn't always going to be greener. When you start dating someone, ask yourself "Are they are good catch?" If they are, and there's lots of things you like about them, then why wouldn't you give them a shot?
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