WHY DO I WANT A RELATIONSHIP?

I've been asked this question from time to time over the years.  Whether it was a friend, my co-worker, or my therapist, they've all asked me why do I want a relationship.  Why do I want to find someone so bad?  I don't think I want someone sooo bad, but I do want to find a great love. And let's be clear,  I don't just want a relationship. If I wanted that, I could find someone.  I'm looking for my person.

After being asked that question several times I did some self analyzing.  I thought about why do I worry about finding a relationship more than some of my friends.  Why do some people not care if they ever find someone and I DO care about it?   After much thought, I've come up with several reasons why I want a relationship "so bad" as some have put it.

It all boils down to love.  I want to feel what it's like to ACTUALLY have someone love me.  I want to have that great love.  I want to feel what it's like to have someone love you and they think the world of you and there's no "but" attached.  I want to be in love with my best friend.  I want to be with someone that thinks I'm the best thing they've ever had and that I make their life better by being in it and vice versa. I'm not sure if that's too much to ask, but I'd like to think that it's something that can happen.

One of the things I realized when I really thought about the people I've picked in relationships and dating, is that a lot of it stems from my relationship with my parents.  I was a kid that needed affection, attention, to be liked, and to be accepted.  My parents on the other hand weren't the most affectionate parents.  They also weren't the most encouraging and uplifting.  When it comes to The 5 Love Languages and how I receive love, I'm a Words of Affirmation and Quality Time person. So when someone I'm looking to date wants to spend time with me and gives me compliments I've gravitated towards that.  Granted, if they're over the top then it sends up a red flag for me. A lot of people can be disingenuous and so when I meet someone that's a bit over the top with their appreciation I usually have my guard up with them more than I would other people.




Some people might say, "But Erin you've been married!"  While that is true, I'll say that deep down I never really felt the love I wanted. My ex-husband was really my first real relationship and sometimes I feel like I just didn't know better.  I didn't know what a really good relationship was, so I just went along with things. I wasn't really sure of what was acceptable and what wasn't.  Granted, I learned a lot from that relationship, but I definitely felt like it was lacking a lot in the love and affection department.  That lack of affection then propelled me into the next relationship where I started dating a guy right after getting separated.  He was a 180 degree difference from my ex-husband.  He made me feel pretty, sexy, smart, talented, and did sweet things for me.

After that relationship ended I spent a lot of time "trying on shoes."  Seeing what was out there and what I liked and what I didn't.  I spent about a good 9 years being single and figuring it out and figuring myself out. Eventually, I met someone who seemed to be serious.  He thought I was amazing and despite telling me he didn't really ever want to get married, he changed his mind and we got engaged.  Exciting right?  Well, that was short lived because the feelings I always had in my gut were true.  He wasn't ever faithful .

I think that part of the reason I dated my ex-fiance was because I was ripe for the picking.  I had been single for about 9 years and had been here in Houston for about 6 years without much success in the dating/love department.   Then here comes a smart, successful doctor who thinks I'm the shit!   For once I met a guy that thought my job was amazing and wasn't intimidated by it. I for once didn't have to hide what my job was or worry about a guy asking if I'll talk about them in a blog or on the radio.  He thought it was awesome that I had a career that I was so passionate about.

Now fast forward to the end.  Here's a person that says that they loved you so much, but was lying the entire time. I mean, how could a person cheat on you as much as they did if they really loved you?  So you can see where my examples of love haven't been what they should be.

So those examples of love and relationships combined with the fact that I'm getting older have made me worry about it (love) more than I should.  I recently had the conversation with someone that said they were totally fine if they never found someone.  They had come to terms that if they never found someone that they were fine with it.  While I wish I could let it go and not worry about it and just say screw it,  I can't. I would like to experience what a good relationship is. I want to know there's someone that won't change their mind...especially at the drop of a hat.  I want to have someone that won't give up.  I want to know that there's someone that would try as much as I would.   I know it won't be perfect, but if both people try, then that's a damn good start. And let's be honest...I'd like to travel with someone and see the world with someone!

IF YOU'RE STILL HOOKED ON EX...DON'T DATE!

There's a saying, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone."  While there might be some people that think this actually works, I don't believe it ever really helps.

THE PARADOX OF CHOICE IS KILLING DATING

Dating over the last 20 years or so has become significantly more difficult.  A lot of that can be blamed on dating apps.  The world of infinite choices has made it so that no one wants to choose anyone.  American Psychologist, Barry Schwartz wrote a book called The Paradox of Choice - Why More is Less.  The book talks about how when consumers have a wide variety of choices, they are more likely to have a harder time making a choice, more fearful of making the wrong decision, and instead of being happier, they become more frustrated and unhappy.

GETTING DATING BLINDSIDED

I wrote this sitting in the United Airlines lounge waiting for my flight to Lisbon. I was thinking about one of recent dating experiences. At first, I wasn’t going to write about it because I wanted to act like I didn’t care, but I did care; and no matter what...there’s something to learn from this. I’m just not sure I realize what all the lessons are.

JUMPING FROM ONE RELATIONSHIP TO THE NEXT... "THE MONKEY EFFECT"

I call it the "Monkey Effect" although, some might call it something else. Basically it's when a person has their backup person before they've finished the relationship they're in.  Whatever you want to call it, I've noticed that a lot of guys seem to do this. Granted, I know there's women that do this too, but it seems that as of late, I'm finding more guys that have their hands on multiple relationship branches at one time.

My girlfriend was telling me a story about a guy she had been seeing.  He told her that he likes to live his life like musical chairs, because he'll never be left without a seat.  He then went on to tell her that once he's done with her that he'll have a new chick in 30 minutes.  Yep...he actually said that crap to her.

I've always thought that if you're unhappy in the relationship you're in, you break up and then move on...not before.  Why is this such a hard concept for some people?  I think it's because these people can't be alone.  A lot of people can't enjoy their alone time. Maybe they don't really like themselves.

 I understand that being alone sucks.  Trust me, I get it.  I'm back to being single and I've got nothing going on.  No guys calling me, no dates lined up, and  no prospects to speak of.  Does that suck a little? Sure,  I wish I had some dating possibilities, but I'm being careful of who I spend my time with and I don't want to date just to occupy my time.  My time is precious and I've wasted enough of it.

Why is it so tough for people, men, women, whoever, to finish what they've started before they start with someone else?

I think a lot of people also have a 'grass is greener' mentality.  They can't be happy with what they have. They need constant attention and would rather get it from new prospects, than cultivate the relationship they're already in.   They always think that something better will come along.

I once dated a guy and he told me, "Erin, this is the first time I've never had a backup plan.  I always have something in the picture and right now I don't and it's scary. I'm putting all my eggs in your basket" Well first of all, Thank you? And secondly, I guess that should've been my clue that things wouldn't work out, because it didn't take too long for him to get his backup plan going again.

Having him tell me that hurt because I want to be with someone that really wants to be with me, and I want to know that I AM enough for them. Unfortunately, for some people, one person is never enough and they're always looking for the next best thing. Forming their roster of women so to speak.

If you're in a relationship with someone you should never be sending other women/men flirtatious messages, pictures, or be communicating with the intent of starting something with them.  If you want out, then leave. Don't go and line up your next set of prospects.  It's not how someone should treat another person...just sayin'.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED ABOUT NARCISSISTS

We all learn something from our relationships.  I've learned a very painful lesson about narcissism and other personality disorders. In my relationship with a narcissist, I felt as if I couldn't do anything right.  I was made to feel like I was a bad person and everything that went wrong in our relationship was my fault.  It was after a big fight that I started doing some research about what I was going through and discovered that what I was dealing with was just par for the course with someone that has a personality disorder.  

They start off nice and act like you're the love of their life.
They will compliment you and act so proud of you.
They will show you off to all of their friends.

They will woo you and be chivalrous
  

They will slowly turn on you and start fights with you.
They will start fights out of nowhere 
They will start complaining that you're not giving them enough 

They'll start making you apologize for things you didn't know you did wrong.

They will say and do terrible things to you and not say sorry.

If they did something bad to you, they will deny it even if you were there (gaslighting)

They may apologize, but only if it benefits them

They lie ALL THE TIME

They will lie to your face.  

They will lie to everyone including your friends and family

They will lie even when confronted with hard evidence and facts

They never tell the whole truth

They never admit they're wrong

They turn things around on you

They make everything your fault

They will give you the silent treatment

They will withhold affection and sex from you when mad at you

They will tell you that people think you're in the wrong and they are right

They use your weaknesses against you

They will make you feel like you're crazy and make you doubt things

They attack you with information that you confided in them

They are constantly seeking out attention from others

They need constant reassurance from you and others
They need constant affection

They are never satisfied 

They cheat...A LOT

They cheat with multiple people at a time

They cheat even if you're engaged or married

They cheat and they blame you for it

They don't have real friends

They mostly have superficial relationships 
They don't appreciate what people do for them

They use people 

They don't really love you (unconditionally)

They don't care about your feelings

They don't care who they hurt 
They have no conscience

They only think of themselves
They are generally selfish 
They lack the ability to understand other's feelings
They don't think about consequences

They only keep you around to fulfill their needs

They come back if they want something from you
They always have someone else in the picture
They discard you when they have no more use for you 

They will never be happy
The sabotage the good in the lives
They are deeply troubled individuals

You will never be good enough for the narcissists.  They will always find something that you're not doing to be good enough.

If you're not fulfilling their needs to the level they want they will find someone else (even if you are, they'll cheat)

If you challenge them and stick up for yourself they will find someone else to fulfill their needs.

One painful lesson I've learned from my experience with a narcissist is that they don't feel remorse. They are not wired to feel bad for anything they've done. In fact, they don't believe they did anything wrong.  They think they're in the right and have a right to do what they do.

My narc cheated on me over and over and over again and only apologized when when he wanted me back, but even then he was still cheating.  He admitted to cheating on me with only 1 woman. As it turns out it was at least 4-5 different women. I'm sure there were more that I'm not able to trace.  Point is, I was never his girl, I was never the only one.

I know that I will never get an "I'm Sorry" for all the horrible things he did to me while we were together. I know he will always blame me and say that I'm the one with issues.  I know that he'll never admit to any wrongdoing more than the one thing he already admitted to.  I know that he will never change and will continue to treat every woman the same as he did me.  

This is just the tip of the iceberg on my experience with a narcissist. There is sooo much more to my story and I hope I'll be able to share it one day.  

THE 13 SIGNS YOU'RE PROBABLY WITH A CHEATER

Here's are some signs that your man is either cheating on you or is up to no good.

1. Has female friends that he talks about that you've never met.

When your man starts talking about his female friends and they aren't someone you've ever met,      there's probably a reason for that.  If these people are truly important to him, he would want you to meet them.  You would meet them in a normal setting, probably not as she's leaving your house without your knowledge.

2. Has new female friends that he's never really talked about until recently.

I had an ex that started talking about some women that he was "friends" with, but he had never even mentioned their name until towards the end when things were getting shady.  As it turned out that so-called "friend" was a woman he cheated on me with for months and months and denied doing anything with her. By the way, she was really not attractive!   

3. Has the KIK messenger app or other secret texting apps such as What's App on his phone.  

This is a HUGE red flag!  My friend met a guy at a happy hour and reached out to him.  He admitted to her that he was in a relationship, but always was interested in having "new friends." She played along for a bit, but then he asked her to download the KIK app because that's how he preferred to communicate.  If your man has this...it's not a good sign!

4. Starts picking fights with you for no real legitimate reason.

A guilty conscience is a funny thing.  When someone is living a lie and it becomes too much, they often take out that stress of keeping up those lies on the people closest to them.  They might start picking fights with you over trivial things and becoming very critical of you. 

5. Is super secretive when it comes to his cell phone.

Anytime a guy acts as though his phone is something that he's afraid for you to see, BEWARE.  There's usually a reason for that.

6. Deletes all of his text messages. 

A sure sign of a guy that has something to hide is when he deletes all his text messages.  They might use the excuse of "I don't like having all the clutter on my phone." Or maybe he'll say, "It makes my phone run slower." Whatever the excuse, it's a bit shady, so beware.

7. Other women start sending you messages on Facebook or other platforms saying that they've been with your man.

I think this one is self-explanatory. Although, there are some serious crazy bitches out there that just want to steal your man and won't stop until they ruin what you have. However, where there's smoke, there's fire.  So, if something doesn't smell right and his explanation doesn't make sense, then trust your gut.

8. Spending less time with you and makes less effort to see you.

You went from seeing each other everyday and spending a lot of time together, to him only making time for you possibly once or twice a week and now makes excuses why he can't hang out with you as much.  They seem like legitimate reasons at first, but then it starts happening more and more and he grows more distant towards you.

9. Suddenly won't answer his phone or call you back after certain times of the day.

 If your spouse went from calling you or texting before they went to bed, or if you were able to call them and they'd always answer, to now they don't answer and don't call back until possibly the next morning, that's a good sign there's something going on.

10. Changes their name and/or their profile pic on Facebook.

Better yet, they get off Facebook completely because it's just "too much drama."  He once had so many pictures of you on Facebook.  He was the proud boyfriend. Now he hides or deletes your pics and hides his relationship status.  NO BUENO!

11. Gives out his business card to women at bars when you're not there.

Maybe you don't find out about this right away, but some how it comes out that he gave his business card to women that have nothing to do with what he does for a living.  Be especially aware if on his business card he has his personal cell phone number printed on it.

12. Still allows ex-girlfriends or flings have contact with him.

If your man was truly committed to you, he wouldn't need the attention from any other woman.  All the women from his past would be just that, his past.  There would be no need to have them in his present. Especially, if you are in a committed relationship such as marriage or engagement.

13. Gets text messages from numbers that you don't know and/or aren't saved in his phone.

This doesn't necessarily mean anything, but it may not be a good thing if you suspect other things.  Also be leery if he starts texting a dude named Larry a lot.  Sometimes guys will change peoples names in their phone to avoid suspicion.

BONUS - Takes trips with friends without you.

This isn't necessarily bad in itself, however in combination with the other shady activity, it just doesn't feel right.

 Here’s the thing, when the stories just don’t add up anymore maybe you need to stop excusing those things away and take a serious look at the situation.

Remember one thing, when your spouse cheats on you, it’s not your fault even if they try and blame you.

It's 100% their issue and they have no one to blame except themselves for making poor decisions and being a weak individual.

I believe even if you start to think about straying that you you need to have a serious conversation with your partner to work on things or end the relationship. Not after the fact.

I’m proud to say that I’ve never cheated, but I’m sad to say that I have been cheated on.  It’s a terrible feeling.  One that usually punches you in the gut and you don’t see coming.  Or maybe you had your suspicions, but weren’t 100% positive.

Know that you are worthy of someone treating with real love and respect.  You don’t deserve to be lied to and cheated on.

APPRECIATING YOUR EX'S AND PAST RELATIONSHIPS

When you break up with someone you really cared for I believe you go through different stages.  Kind of like losing a loved one.  The 5 stages of loss and grief  that a person goes through with death is something that we also can go through in a breakup. After going through these stages myself I've had a moment of clarity.  I now appreciate those relationships and I even appreciate those ex's. 

If you've read my blog at all you know that I reference past relationships often.  Some of my blogs reflect these different stages.

1. Denial - We don't want to believe that the relationship is over and think that there's a still a chance of getting back together. 

I was like this for awhile with Mr. Dallas. I actually had the thought in the back of my mind when I moved hear to Texas that there was a possibility that we maybe just maybe could date again.

 

2. Anger - This can be in different forms.  Anger towards the ex, anger towards a situation or person that you see as responsible for the break up. 

As I'll explain alter this one was especially difficult for me.

3. Bargaining - This is two fold.  It's comes as the "what if's" or "if only"  The part 2 of this is trying any way to keep the relationship.  Telling your partner you'll change, begging them back.  This stage goes hand in hand with denial.

I can't tell how many times I ran down the different scenarios in my head of "if only" this happened or Maybe if I would've done ___ we'd still be together.
  
4. Depression - This comes in sorts of forms.  Whether you don't want to leave your bed or start drinking too much, these are forms of depression.  The worst is hopelessness.  It makes you believe that nothing will ever change and it can never get better.

This step to me was the toughest.  It's one I'll probably still have pop up on me here and there.  

5. Acceptance - The stage where we able to let go of the relationship and move on with our lives.  Sometimes it may feel like this stage may never come, but that's usually because there's an earlier stage that you're still dealing with. 

For me stage 2 and 4 were the hardest to get over and deal with.  The 2 major relationships that have affected me have done so in different ways.  The ending of my marriage made me more angry and bitter.

I went through a stage where I didn't think he deserved to be happy and I didn't think he deserved good things to happen to him.  I believed I was the one that deserved that.  To me, I was thought I was the better person. I just couldn't understand why God would let all the things I wanted in life go to a person that I thought didn't deserve it.

Over the years, I've realized that not everyone is on the same time frame.  Everyone has their own path.  I also realized that my anger towards him wasn't getting me anywhere.  That anger was only holding me back.  It was interfering with my path to happiness.

Now, are my ex husband and I buddies?  No. We still haven't spoke in years. However,  I'm no longer looking for answers or reasons why it didn't work or why I wasn't the one. The anger stemming from that has gone away and now I just appreciate the experiences and things I learned along the way. During that time he helped open my eyes to a lot of things. 

A few of the things that I appreciate from that relationship and from him:
* I learned a lot about the business we're in
* My appreciation for fish/sushi
* My appreciation for red wine
* Steak Rare/Medium Rare vs. Well done.
* Nice family Christmases
* Becoming a dog owner for first time

My relationship with Mr. Dallas was especially hard for me to move on from.  In many ways he holds a lot of "Best moments" in my life and a lot of "first moments."  For that reason stage 4 was hard for me.  With that breakup I can honestly say I went through all 5 stages.

The last couple of years has been a period of serious growth for me.  I had to realize that some people don't stay in your life forever and they are here just for a moment. One when you need them in your life.  Even though it took me a very long time to get this in my head I have come to terms with it.  I've come to terms that I may might not ever have as an amazing first date like we did, but that's ok. It's that moment that showed me that someone can really like me and  there are some guys willing to try. 

I appreciate all that I learned from that relationship.  I look back fondly on the great moments and experiences.  I've also learned from the things that I did wrong in that relationship.  It may not have ended the way I liked or the way I expected, but I'm grateful for the things that he showed me while we dated.

A few of things that I've taken away from that relationship:
* Make sure to ask people questions
* My love of Champagne!
* Traveling
* Be better at saving money
* Learning to try new things like Hookah
* Make sure to always say thank you
* Midday Saturday naps

All these people helped shape me into the person I am now.  Some for the better, but all of it was a learning experience.