WHY DO I WANT A RELATIONSHIP?

I've been asked this question from time to time over the years.  Whether it was a friend, my co-worker, or my therapist, they've all asked me why do I want a relationship.  Why do I want to find someone so bad?  I don't think I want someone sooo bad, but I do want to find a great love. And let's be clear,  I don't just want a relationship. If I wanted that, I could find someone.  I'm looking for my person.

After being asked that question several times I did some self analyzing.  I thought about why do I worry about finding a relationship more than some of my friends.  Why do some people not care if they ever find someone and I DO care about it?   After much thought, I've come up with several reasons why I want a relationship "so bad" as some have put it.

It all boils down to love.  I want to feel what it's like to ACTUALLY have someone love me.  I want to have that great love.  I want to feel what it's like to have someone love you and they think the world of you and there's no "but" attached.  I want to be in love with my best friend.  I want to be with someone that thinks I'm the best thing they've ever had and that I make their life better by being in it and vice versa. I'm not sure if that's too much to ask, but I'd like to think that it's something that can happen.

One of the things I realized when I really thought about the people I've picked in relationships and dating, is that a lot of it stems from my relationship with my parents.  I was a kid that needed affection, attention, to be liked, and to be accepted.  My parents on the other hand weren't the most affectionate parents.  They also weren't the most encouraging and uplifting.  When it comes to The 5 Love Languages and how I receive love, I'm a Words of Affirmation and Quality Time person. So when someone I'm looking to date wants to spend time with me and gives me compliments I've gravitated towards that.  Granted, if they're over the top then it sends up a red flag for me. A lot of people can be disingenuous and so when I meet someone that's a bit over the top with their appreciation I usually have my guard up with them more than I would other people.




Some people might say, "But Erin you've been married!"  While that is true, I'll say that deep down I never really felt the love I wanted. My ex-husband was really my first real relationship and sometimes I feel like I just didn't know better.  I didn't know what a really good relationship was, so I just went along with things. I wasn't really sure of what was acceptable and what wasn't.  Granted, I learned a lot from that relationship, but I definitely felt like it was lacking a lot in the love and affection department.  That lack of affection then propelled me into the next relationship where I started dating a guy right after getting separated.  He was a 180 degree difference from my ex-husband.  He made me feel pretty, sexy, smart, talented, and did sweet things for me.

After that relationship ended I spent a lot of time "trying on shoes."  Seeing what was out there and what I liked and what I didn't.  I spent about a good 9 years being single and figuring it out and figuring myself out. Eventually, I met someone who seemed to be serious.  He thought I was amazing and despite telling me he didn't really ever want to get married, he changed his mind and we got engaged.  Exciting right?  Well, that was short lived because the feelings I always had in my gut were true.  He wasn't ever faithful .

I think that part of the reason I dated my ex-fiance was because I was ripe for the picking.  I had been single for about 9 years and had been here in Houston for about 6 years without much success in the dating/love department.   Then here comes a smart, successful doctor who thinks I'm the shit!   For once I met a guy that thought my job was amazing and wasn't intimidated by it. I for once didn't have to hide what my job was or worry about a guy asking if I'll talk about them in a blog or on the radio.  He thought it was awesome that I had a career that I was so passionate about.

Now fast forward to the end.  Here's a person that says that they loved you so much, but was lying the entire time. I mean, how could a person cheat on you as much as they did if they really loved you?  So you can see where my examples of love haven't been what they should be.

So those examples of love and relationships combined with the fact that I'm getting older have made me worry about it (love) more than I should.  I recently had the conversation with someone that said they were totally fine if they never found someone.  They had come to terms that if they never found someone that they were fine with it.  While I wish I could let it go and not worry about it and just say screw it,  I can't. I would like to experience what a good relationship is. I want to know there's someone that won't change their mind...especially at the drop of a hat.  I want to have someone that won't give up.  I want to know that there's someone that would try as much as I would.   I know it won't be perfect, but if both people try, then that's a damn good start. And let's be honest...I'd like to travel with someone and see the world with someone!

ONE MAN'S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN'S TREASURE

You've heard that term used when it comes to things that people throw out.  Something that someone saw as junk and someone else found a great use for it.  That goes for people too.

We all meet people who don't appreciate us.  We also meet people that we probably don't fully appreciate.  Let me tell you about the moment when this happened in my life and how it hit me.

I had started talking to a guy back in March or so. After texting and meeting up for drinks a couple of times he told me that he wasn't wanting to date anyone serious right now.  Well...OK then!  We were still friends, but it was more like friends that would mess around here and there.  Like a total idiot I liked him and hoped that he'd change his mind.

Eventually, I grew tired of being the girl that he would say "Hi" to and would only want to hang out with maybe once a month.  I felt as though I was wasting my time on someone that didn't appreciate me or give a crap about me as a person. So I stopped talking to him.  I'm not really sure what he thought of me.  I do think he thought I had some good qualities and I had things that he liked in someone, but I'm not sure if in his mind he looked at me as that chick he can text if he had no other options.  By the amount I heard from him and saw him...it's probably a safe bet that that's how he thought of me.   I feel like I was just a girl on the list.

Coming to terms with the notion that that's probably how he felt about me hurt a lot.  I second guessed my worth and my value.  I wondered if I'd ever find someone that appreciates me. I got mad at myself for taking the scraps for as long as I did.  I even sat down and wrote a list of my good and bad qualities.  Some of my guy friends helped a lot and shared what they thought were some of my good qualities, even some bad ones too. They thought of things I wouldn't have. They helped me see all the things that I bring to the table that this guy didn't care about. My guy friends also helped me realize that I wasn't getting treated well and that I deserved better.

Then, not long after I stopped talking to that guy,  I met someone else.  This guy was super nice and he asked me out on dates...REAL DATES!  He seemed genuinely interested and you know what else?  He actually gave me compliments and told me how pretty I was.  WHAT????  This is crazy! (I don't think the other guy ever paid me a genuine compliment.)  I'm not going to lie, I was wondering at first if there was something wrong with him because he seemed so interested.  He'd tell me that he like to see me again and he'd actually follow through and take me dinner!

After I stopped over analyzing why this new guy liked me, I had to laugh to myself.  Here I went from a guy that would barely text me back, rarely wanted to hang out, always seemed too busy, acted inappropriately, and pretty much didn't seem give a crap about me. (I'm not sure if he even looked at me as a friend.)  Maybe to him I was just that girl on the radio that he hooked up with and if he was bored, then I would hear from him.  He didn't seem to have any respect for me or value me as a person. He didn't seem to care about my feelings. He didn't seem to appreciate my good qualities. He probably just thought of me as notch. Then I go to a guy that wants to hang out 3 times in one week. He wants to be around me.  He takes me on real dates and plans things.  He includes me where he doesn't have to. He compliments me and tells me things that he likes about me as a person.  He acknowledges what I have to offer. How can this be?

It's crazy to think that I'm the same person and have been myself with both of these guys, yet the one guy could have frickin cared less and treated me like I really didn't matter. Then the other guy enjoys hanging out with me and wants to get to know me as a person. How can two people treat you so differently?

It really is like what the one guy didn't care to have, the other is happy to have found it.  It also just goes to show you that there IS someone who will appreciate you. It may not always work out, but it can at least give you hope and let you know it can happen.