WHY DO I WANT A RELATIONSHIP?

I've been asked this question from time to time over the years.  Whether it was a friend, my co-worker, or my therapist, they've all asked me why do I want a relationship.  Why do I want to find someone so bad?  I don't think I want someone sooo bad, but I do want to find a great love. And let's be clear,  I don't just want a relationship. If I wanted that, I could find someone.  I'm looking for my person.

After being asked that question several times I did some self analyzing.  I thought about why do I worry about finding a relationship more than some of my friends.  Why do some people not care if they ever find someone and I DO care about it?   After much thought, I've come up with several reasons why I want a relationship "so bad" as some have put it.

It all boils down to love.  I want to feel what it's like to ACTUALLY have someone love me.  I want to have that great love.  I want to feel what it's like to have someone love you and they think the world of you and there's no "but" attached.  I want to be in love with my best friend.  I want to be with someone that thinks I'm the best thing they've ever had and that I make their life better by being in it and vice versa. I'm not sure if that's too much to ask, but I'd like to think that it's something that can happen.

One of the things I realized when I really thought about the people I've picked in relationships and dating, is that a lot of it stems from my relationship with my parents.  I was a kid that needed affection, attention, to be liked, and to be accepted.  My parents on the other hand weren't the most affectionate parents.  They also weren't the most encouraging and uplifting.  When it comes to The 5 Love Languages and how I receive love, I'm a Words of Affirmation and Quality Time person. So when someone I'm looking to date wants to spend time with me and gives me compliments I've gravitated towards that.  Granted, if they're over the top then it sends up a red flag for me. A lot of people can be disingenuous and so when I meet someone that's a bit over the top with their appreciation I usually have my guard up with them more than I would other people.




Some people might say, "But Erin you've been married!"  While that is true, I'll say that deep down I never really felt the love I wanted. My ex-husband was really my first real relationship and sometimes I feel like I just didn't know better.  I didn't know what a really good relationship was, so I just went along with things. I wasn't really sure of what was acceptable and what wasn't.  Granted, I learned a lot from that relationship, but I definitely felt like it was lacking a lot in the love and affection department.  That lack of affection then propelled me into the next relationship where I started dating a guy right after getting separated.  He was a 180 degree difference from my ex-husband.  He made me feel pretty, sexy, smart, talented, and did sweet things for me.

After that relationship ended I spent a lot of time "trying on shoes."  Seeing what was out there and what I liked and what I didn't.  I spent about a good 9 years being single and figuring it out and figuring myself out. Eventually, I met someone who seemed to be serious.  He thought I was amazing and despite telling me he didn't really ever want to get married, he changed his mind and we got engaged.  Exciting right?  Well, that was short lived because the feelings I always had in my gut were true.  He wasn't ever faithful .

I think that part of the reason I dated my ex-fiance was because I was ripe for the picking.  I had been single for about 9 years and had been here in Houston for about 6 years without much success in the dating/love department.   Then here comes a smart, successful doctor who thinks I'm the shit!   For once I met a guy that thought my job was amazing and wasn't intimidated by it. I for once didn't have to hide what my job was or worry about a guy asking if I'll talk about them in a blog or on the radio.  He thought it was awesome that I had a career that I was so passionate about.

Now fast forward to the end.  Here's a person that says that they loved you so much, but was lying the entire time. I mean, how could a person cheat on you as much as they did if they really loved you?  So you can see where my examples of love haven't been what they should be.

So those examples of love and relationships combined with the fact that I'm getting older have made me worry about it (love) more than I should.  I recently had the conversation with someone that said they were totally fine if they never found someone.  They had come to terms that if they never found someone that they were fine with it.  While I wish I could let it go and not worry about it and just say screw it,  I can't. I would like to experience what a good relationship is. I want to know there's someone that won't change their mind...especially at the drop of a hat.  I want to have someone that won't give up.  I want to know that there's someone that would try as much as I would.   I know it won't be perfect, but if both people try, then that's a damn good start. And let's be honest...I'd like to travel with someone and see the world with someone!

TOP 10 QUALITIES I WANT IN MY PERSON

After my last attempt at dating and finding a relationship, I’ve decided to revisit the list of qualities I want in my person. I came upon this conclusion with the help one of my girlfriends. I was telling her that part of the reason I’m taking a break from dating is because I’m not sure what I’m looking for anymore.  So she encouraged me to go back over that list and focus on the things that might have changed since I last wrote my list.

LOVE: THE ONE GOAL YOU CAN'T CONTROL

This morning while I was in the shower, I was doing some deep thinking like I often do.  I was thinking about all the goals that I've set for myself over my life. I thought about all the things that I've achieved in my life, and all the things that I've set out to overcome.  

It's often said that anything you put your mind to, you can do.  When you set your mind to something that you can make it happen.   For the most part, I believe that's true.  I know despite where I've come from: not having a lot growing up, not getting the best grades, along with other factors, I've achieved a great deal to overcome what others would see as big setbacks.  

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be in Radio or TV.  Despite not having the best grades in school, I was determined to make this my career.  With hard work, determination, and people willing to give me a chance, I've been able to make a career of that childhood dream. 

Traveling has been a goal of mine as well. Even though I might not have had a travel partner for most of it, I've been able to visit some amazing places by myself that have been on my bucket list. For instance, most recently, my trip last April to Australia. (My goal is to make it to Cape Town, South Africa soon.)  

Others goals I've set of for myself have been: buying my house, getting in a good spot financially, and finding my person.  All of those goals I can make happen or have, except when it comes to love.  Love is the one goal that I think none of us can just set out and achieve or find.  Love is something that is out of our control.  

Many parts of our destiny, we have direct impact on seeing things come to pass or not.  If we want to make more money, there are things we can control to make that happen.   If you want to buy a house, start a business, or climb the corporate ladder, those are things that can be achieved with hard work and determination.  Love is not like that. 

I certainly can say "I want to find a husband by the end of 2017." However, finding a husband and finding love are two very different things.  I could go out on 100 dates over the course the year.  I might find someone who wants to marry me, but I won't necessarily find love.  I could put myself out there, go out every night of the week, meet some amazing people, but I may not find love. 

Love is a goal that most of us have, but it seems it is the one goal that we can't just make happen.  It's the goal we have absolutely no control over.  We can put ourselves in better situations in hopes to find it, whether it's in a physical spot or a mental spot. The point is, love seems to be something you can't just set out to find. Love has its own set of rules.  Love sets out to find you. 

JUMPING FROM ONE RELATIONSHIP TO THE NEXT... "THE MONKEY EFFECT"

I call it the "Monkey Effect" although, some might call it something else. Basically it's when a person has their backup person before they've finished the relationship they're in.  Whatever you want to call it, I've noticed that a lot of guys seem to do this. Granted, I know there's women that do this too, but it seems that as of late, I'm finding more guys that have their hands on multiple relationship branches at one time.

My girlfriend was telling me a story about a guy she had been seeing.  He told her that he likes to live his life like musical chairs, because he'll never be left without a seat.  He then went on to tell her that once he's done with her that he'll have a new chick in 30 minutes.  Yep...he actually said that crap to her.

I've always thought that if you're unhappy in the relationship you're in, you break up and then move on...not before.  Why is this such a hard concept for some people?  I think it's because these people can't be alone.  A lot of people can't enjoy their alone time. Maybe they don't really like themselves.

 I understand that being alone sucks.  Trust me, I get it.  I'm back to being single and I've got nothing going on.  No guys calling me, no dates lined up, and  no prospects to speak of.  Does that suck a little? Sure,  I wish I had some dating possibilities, but I'm being careful of who I spend my time with and I don't want to date just to occupy my time.  My time is precious and I've wasted enough of it.

Why is it so tough for people, men, women, whoever, to finish what they've started before they start with someone else?

I think a lot of people also have a 'grass is greener' mentality.  They can't be happy with what they have. They need constant attention and would rather get it from new prospects, than cultivate the relationship they're already in.   They always think that something better will come along.

I once dated a guy and he told me, "Erin, this is the first time I've never had a backup plan.  I always have something in the picture and right now I don't and it's scary. I'm putting all my eggs in your basket" Well first of all, Thank you? And secondly, I guess that should've been my clue that things wouldn't work out, because it didn't take too long for him to get his backup plan going again.

Having him tell me that hurt because I want to be with someone that really wants to be with me, and I want to know that I AM enough for them. Unfortunately, for some people, one person is never enough and they're always looking for the next best thing. Forming their roster of women so to speak.

If you're in a relationship with someone you should never be sending other women/men flirtatious messages, pictures, or be communicating with the intent of starting something with them.  If you want out, then leave. Don't go and line up your next set of prospects.  It's not how someone should treat another person...just sayin'.

MY TRIP TO AUSTRALIA BY MYSELF

It's been a few years since I've been on a trip by myself.  It seems like when I'm single, traveling alone is my thing to do.  I really love to travel, but I don't want to wait to be in a relationship to experience the world.

The first time I went on a trip solo was over 8 years ago.  I had gone through a divorce and a break up within 2 years of each other.  I lived in a new city and the holidays have always been a difficult time for me.  So, I decided to book a trip to the city I've always been fascinated by, Paris.  After that, the next several years I went to Rome Italy and London by myself.

Like I said, it's been a couple of years since I've ventured out on my own, but now that I'm single again I decided there's no time like the present.  So, I cashed in some of my airline miles and booked a hotel 2 days before I left.  Then it was off to the land down under.

I left Saturday night and had a 3 hour flight to Los Angeles.  Then, from LA it was a 14 hour flight to Sydney.  The flight honestly wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I brought my bed pillow to help make me more cozy and the guy sitting next to me gave some great advice. He said, stay up as long as you can and then go to sleep the last half because by the time you wake up we'll be landing.

Random Fact: During A 14+ hour flight you can watch about 7 movies.

Upon landing Monday morning in Sydney, I headed to the hotel to check in. Since my room wasn't ready they were nice enough to let me go to the gym so I could freshen up. Once I was sparkly clean I headed to The Rocks and walked across the Sydney Harbour Bridge .

After my walk, I met up with a gal who's a friend of my boss. Sheila is from the states, but lives in Sydney now.  We went to the Opera bar where we had some drinks, some snacks and soaked up the amazing weather.  

One thing I found interesting is that people don't keep tabs at bars.  You pay as you go, which is annoying. They also don't know what mimosas are!

After our lunch, we grabbed an uber and headed to the famous Bondi Beach.

It was a national holiday that day. Anzec Day is kind of like our version of Memorial Day.  People were all over the beach and just hanging out out on their blankets.  

We walked up the hill to check out this cool pool area.  It's a pool, but it's filled by the ocean.  

Then it was to the bar we go.  We hung out, had some shots, and enjoyed the scenery.  Seriously the bar was packed with nothing but men! 

One thing I noticed about the men there was they don't go out and look for chicks.  Apparently, if they're out with their mates...they're out with their mates.

So after our shenanigans, day 1 was done. 

The next day I decided to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Even though it's expensive to do, I highly recommend it. It takes several hours and you actually get kind of a workout. Let's not forget the amazing views. 

I met a couple of American guys on the climb.  One of the guys lived there, while the other was traveling around before he started a new job and was visiting his friend.  We grabbed some beers after the climb, and the guy that lives there now gave me some great ideas of things to check out.

Wednesday was kind of a free day.  I really wanted to see Kangaroos and koalas.  I was going to check out an animal sanctuary on the outskirts of Sydney, but the the lady at the front desk of my hotel suggested the Sydney Zoo.  Let me tell you it was a waste of time. 

 

Tasmanian Devil  - They're so cute!  

However, I did see a wallaby, a Tasmanian devil, and got my koala picture.

After that, I headed back to the hotel to put on my bikini.  I decided to take the ferry over to Manly Beach.

Once I got to Manly Beach it was getting kind of late.  The sun goes down around 5pm.  I was able to take one beach selfie and sit there on my blanket for a few minutes to enjoy what was left of the sun.

Random fact: Burger King in Australia is called Hungry Jack's.

I did a little shopping in Manly Beach. I found myself a really fancy bikini that I spent too much money on, but I felt like I deserved it.  

Now it was time to head back and do a little dinner.  My friend Monica saw this video on Facebook for a restaurant in Sydney called the Buffalo Dining Club.  They're known for pasta dish that's mixed up in a wheel of cheese.  Once I watched it...I was in!  

So I showered up and put on my walking shoes and walked the 2 miles to the restaurant.  

Once I was there I had to wait at least an hour to get a table.  Since I was there by myself it was a bit harder to fit me in, but once they did get me in, I was super starving. 

They sat me at the tiny bar near the kitchen where I got to watch an Aussie version of David Beckham make my dinner. 

I ordered a glass of wine to start things off and get my mind right.  Then it was time for the real food.  I ordered the Cacio e Pepe, which is salt, pepper, olive oil and parsley in a pecorino cheese wheel. Since I didn't want to just carb load, I got a side of brussel sprouts and chorizo.

Best brussel sprouts ever!

Cacio e Pepe

The next day I decided to book a flight to Melbourne.  Apparently, that city has a completely different vibe.

Once in Melbourne, I got myself a rental car, which wasn't as hard of a process as I originally thought it would be. Now, learning to drive on the other side of the road and learning the controls was a little intimidating.

I got on the road and turned on the radio for the first time on the trip.  

(Sometimes when I'm driving by myself I think a lot.  The whole reason for me going on this trip was to put behind me some of things that had recently happened in my life.) 

While listening to the radio and keeping my mind off things,  I realized that they cuss on the air in Australia.  The songs all have the profanity in it...even the F-word!!

I always like discovering new music when I travel.  There were a couple of songs by the artist, Flume, that I heard over and over.  So I downloaded them when I got home.

During my drive I was hoping to spot a kangaroo.  I found the sign and a dead one on the side of the road that someone had hit. However, no live kangaroos. 

My 2 hour drive to go see the 12 Apostles was complete...I made it!  The 12 Apostles are these amazing cliffs and rock figures in the ocean. 

Once I was there I was making the most of daylight I had left.

I was running around to get a pic from every vantage point.

There were several spots to look out from. One of them was called London Bridge.

Next stop was The Grotto.

And then the sun was starting to set.

Time to head back to Melbourne.

I spent the night in Melbourne at a decent little hotel.  The city reminded me a lot of my home town of Portland, OR. It's funky, artsy, has a lot of strip clubs, and rained just like Portland.

The next morning I drove around for a bit, but it was raining so bad that I wasn't able to see much.  So my Friday in Australia was kind of a waste because I ended up going to the airport early and hanging out.  

Saturday was my last full day and it was a success.  The American guys I met on the bridge climb told me about a market in The Rocks on the weekend. He told me about a guy that sells stuff made of of kangaroo balls.  So that was my mission.

It says "Genuine Kangaroo Scrotum" on it!

Several things were made out of Roo Balls. One of them is a coin bag of sorts like the one above.  The other thing he had was bottle openers and wine openers. 

Needless to say, I bought a ton of stuff! 

I shopped around for a bit and then bought myself more stuff that I don't need, but I had to have...a didgeridoo! 

Once I made my unnecessary purchases I headed back to the hotel.  Then it was off to lunch with a friend that I haven't seen in years. 

Several years ago I met a girl that was from Australia and she was new here in Houston.  She didn't really know anyone at the time so I invited to start hanging out. Before you know it we're hanging out and hitting up the town.  

She moved back home to Sydney and we lost touch.  When I booked my trip I sent her a message on Facebook to see if she could meet up.  Thankfully she did, and when I met her for lunch on Saturday she was just as sweet and lovely as I remembered.  

A lot in our lives had changed over the years. She got married and was dealing with ailing parents.  I had been engaged and now I was back to being single again. We talked and talked.  She gave me great words of encouragement knowing where I was in my life, because she had been there too. 

Seeing Teneale was a perfect way for my trip to come to an end. 

The rest of my day I spent walking around and soaking in the last bit of Sydney that I could.  I hung out down by the harbour that night. I met a woman that started up a conversation with me and ended up hanging out with her for a bit having drinks at one of the bars/nightclubs down by the water.  We talked a lot about relationships and it opened my eyes to some things.  

It was now past my bedtime. I said my goodbyes and headed back to the hotel to pack up and go back to reality. 

This trip was an amazing one for me.  I'm so glad I decided to pack up and do something for myself.  I needed to clear my head and see if I still had it in me to do something daring. Turns out I still have it.  

I'll be back for sure and maybe my next trip I'll be able to share that experience with someone.