GETTING DATING BLINDSIDED

I wrote this sitting in the United Airlines lounge waiting for my flight to Lisbon. I was thinking about one of recent dating experiences. At first, I wasn’t going to write about it because I wanted to act like I didn’t care, but I did care; and no matter what...there’s something to learn from this. I’m just not sure I realize what all the lessons are.

I started seeing a guy that I originally met on Bumble. He was several years younger than me, but we had some things in common that were pretty big. He didn’t want kids and neither did I. We both had dogs, good careers, like country music, and had a good time when we hung out. Things moved rather quick for us. He seemed to really like me and would do some very sweet things that showed that he liked me. I was a smitten kitten. For the first time in a long time I liked someone, they liked me, and things just seemed to be flowing quite nicely...and I was following where he was leading me with his words and actions.

It wasn’t until we attended a big holiday party that something really bothered me. He was grabbing drinks for us at the bar and I was standing a bit behind him when he pulled out his phone. When I looked over, I saw that he was messaging his ex girlfriend on Snapchat. My heart just sank. Here we are at this big event (something he paid a lot of money for), all dressed up, meeting up with friends when that happens. Up until that point I didn’t have any real big issues with things he did. There were little things here and there that made my radar go up, but nothing like this. You know yellow flags, but maybe not red flags. 


Honestly, I almost walked out without saying anything because I was so hurt by it.  (Maybe deep down that heart sinking feeling I had was because I knew it was over.)  Nonetheless, I decided to let it go for a bit, but after having another drink I decided to bring it up to him. I calmly said, “I noticed that you were texting ____ earlier, is everything ok?” He said, “Yeah everything is fine.” I told him that him texting her bothered me. I said I thought it was inappropriate for him to be texting her at that moment. I knew they were still communicating, but I wasn’t sure on how often and what the dynamic was. I went on to tell him I didn’t talk to my ex and it really hurt my feelings that he was texting her. He explained that they do talk probably more than he should and that as things progress with us he’ll cut things off. At the moment his answer was enough to make it go away.


The next day I got really sick and stayed home from work for the next 2 days. While I was home alone, not doing a lot, and not talking to him a ton, I had a lot of time to think and mull over things. I talked to him and told him that it had been messing with me a bit that he was still texting her and it was making me feel insecure. At that moment, I opened Pandora’s box. He told me that my concerns reminded him of how things ended with his ex (the one he was texting). Needless to say, later that night he broke up with me. He told me that my “insecurities” were a “red flag” for him and that he thought it was too early for them to be coming in our relationship...so he was done. Well OK then...that’s not what I was expecting. Which by the way...when are insecurities gonna come up?  I would think it's better to have it come up early in the relationship versus later when you're an established couple.  


Most of our conversation is a blur. I think I was in shock, so I remember a lot of it in clips. I think the biggest part I didn’t understand is how he went from “Please tell me if anything reminds you of your ex or if anything I do bothers you so I can fix it,” to all of the sudden “You bringing this up and still thinking about it a couple days later reminds me of my ex and is a red flag.”


Unfortunately, there was no changing his mind. I was so hurt and really bummed. Not trying to sound like a girl from "The Bachelor", but I thought he had real potential. I thought I finally found someone that was going to like me for me and was willing to look beyond my emotional scars of the past.  Apparently I had picked wrong again.


I’ve tried to analyze the “whys” and the “what’s” of the situation, because...well let’s be honest...that’s what I do. My friends gave their opinion. I wondered if I did something wrong. Then I quickly realized that I did absolutely nothing wrong. I was telling him how I feel in a mature way and setting up my boundaries for how I wanted to be treated. I should never regret that. In fact, I should give myself some credit because in the past I've let things go that I should've spoken up about and didn't.

I tried coming up with some sort of conclusion. I thought maybe there was someone else...maybe several someone else’s, like he joked about one time. Maybe deep down he isn’t ready to settle down with just one woman. Maybe he wasn’t up for the challenge of what it takes for a real relationship...or wasn’t willing to provide what I required. Maybe he liked the thought of dating me, but the reality of a what a relationship with me entails is too much for him. I wondered and analyzed all this because I honestly can’t make sense of how my concern for him being disrespectful was a reason to break things off with me. It makes no sense at all.


And furthermore, I’ll never figure out how this guy went from saying how lucky he is to be dating such a cool girl like me, calling me everyday, texting all day everyday, making time for me, bringing me around his family and some of his friends, doing super sweet things for me...to all of the sudden we're done and he's acted like he didn't ever care about me at all.  I’ll always wonder, was he really being sincere with ANYTHING he did or said? Was it an act? Was he trying to convince himself or convince me that he really cared or was a good guy? I’ll never know.


What sucks is...and it always disappoints me when I see it, but I’ve realized that sometimes it really doesn’t matter how smart, attractive, funny, successful, cool, sexy, put together, interesting, or what a great catch you are. Sometimes men won’t want all that you have to offer or won’t be able to handle that. Maybe they’re not ready for you. Maybe deep down they really do prefer the chick that posts pictures of her boobs and new eyebrows...I don’t know. Sometimes, guys just want what is easy.

You just never know what’s going in someone else’s head and what their true intentions are. So you just have to continue to be you and be the best you for the next person that WILL appreciate you for YOU. ALL OF YOU! Someone that WILL take the good with the bad and will work to make it work...because you are worth it.

I know I'm not perfect by any means, and I have some scars from a past relationship that have made me build a wall that may be hard to crack. I just got keep working on being a better me and keep the faith that there will be a man I meet one day that will be willing to scale my wall, will stick around, and won't run when I confront them with something that bothers me.