LEARNING TO FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO ISN'T SORRY

The last couple of years have been quite a learning experience.  I was in a relationship for 2 years with a man that was a narcissist.  Not only was he a narcissist, but he cheated on me repeatedly for the past 2 years.

I'm not sure exactly how much or how often he cheated, but let's say at the very least it was with a good handful of women.  In the beginning, he was good at covering his tracks and convincing me that he wasn't doing anything wrong. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.


Then as time went on there were other things happening in the relationship that made things and the relationship difficult.  His way of dealing with it was getting online and finding a new woman to give him attention.  Looking back, there is one point where I think he was cheating on me with at least 3 women at once.

It became rather obvious what he was doing because he started getting really sloppy with his cheating.  He almost became rather brazen about it.  Bringing one of the girls around his friends and family.

Needless to say, that was the end of the charade.  I had to come to terms that the person I believed loved me and said they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me was lying.  I had to stomach the notion that everything I had been told, everything that he told MY friends, everything he told HIS friends was all a complete lie. Every last word of it was all false. I had to come to terms that after he came back asking for a second chance, that everything was STILL a lie. I was lied to not just once, but twice.

It was my birthday and my parents were in town.  We all went out to dinner and he sat across from my mother and looked her in the eye, maybe even touched her hand and told her how sorry he was for cheating on me and that he was never going to do it again.  Guess what,  I later found out that he did it just 2 weeks later, if not the entire time.

Am I still angry in some ways? Yes!  This is a person that has no remorse and deep down doesn't feel bad for what he's done to me and to other women he dragged down.  This person embarrassed me in front of his entire family claiming that I was being crazy and distrusting.  His parents sat there and defended him.  Only to find out once again that I was right and he was indeed cheating on me in the situation in question.

I've been working on forgiving him for what he's done to me.  It's been very hard and there are days I have my setbacks.  I'm even trying to forgive his family.  Part of me believes that they know what he's like and choose to ignore it, but then sometimes I think they're blind to it because he's their son.

Forgiving someone who isn't sorry for what they've done is tough.  Trying to forgive someone who doesn't feel they need forgiveness is equally as tough.

Forgiveness is going to be a process, it doesn't happen in one moment.  I think it will be a longer process for me because this person isn't truly sorry for what he did, because he's still doing it. Only now he's doing it to someone else.  I did get a half ass apology via text after I called him out, but he didn't do it out the kindness of his heart or because he felt genuine remorse.  I'm convinced he's incapable of that emotion.

I know that I have to forgive so that my heart can be lighter and be open.  I know that I have to forgive so that I can be happy.  I know I have to forgive because it's the right thing to do.  It's just hard to forgive the person that doesn't care or isn't truly sorry.

It may take me a long time to fully forgive this person, but I hope it doesn't take that long.  Having that weigh on my heart isn't good for me and my progress to live a happy life in the future.  I just pray that God will help me everyday to accept what has happened and be able to let it go and forgive a person.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED ABOUT NARCISSISTS

We all learn something from our relationships.  I've learned a very painful lesson about narcissism and other personality disorders. In my relationship with a narcissist, I felt as if I couldn't do anything right.  I was made to feel like I was a bad person and everything that went wrong in our relationship was my fault.  It was after a big fight that I started doing some research about what I was going through and discovered that what I was dealing with was just par for the course with someone that has a personality disorder.  

They start off nice and act like you're the love of their life.
They will compliment you and act so proud of you.
They will show you off to all of their friends.

They will woo you and be chivalrous
  

They will slowly turn on you and start fights with you.
They will start fights out of nowhere 
They will start complaining that you're not giving them enough 

They'll start making you apologize for things you didn't know you did wrong.

They will say and do terrible things to you and not say sorry.

If they did something bad to you, they will deny it even if you were there (gaslighting)

They may apologize, but only if it benefits them

They lie ALL THE TIME

They will lie to your face.  

They will lie to everyone including your friends and family

They will lie even when confronted with hard evidence and facts

They never tell the whole truth

They never admit they're wrong

They turn things around on you

They make everything your fault

They will give you the silent treatment

They will withhold affection and sex from you when mad at you

They will tell you that people think you're in the wrong and they are right

They use your weaknesses against you

They will make you feel like you're crazy and make you doubt things

They attack you with information that you confided in them

They are constantly seeking out attention from others

They need constant reassurance from you and others
They need constant affection

They are never satisfied 

They cheat...A LOT

They cheat with multiple people at a time

They cheat even if you're engaged or married

They cheat and they blame you for it

They don't have real friends

They mostly have superficial relationships 
They don't appreciate what people do for them

They use people 

They don't really love you (unconditionally)

They don't care about your feelings

They don't care who they hurt 
They have no conscience

They only think of themselves
They are generally selfish 
They lack the ability to understand other's feelings
They don't think about consequences

They only keep you around to fulfill their needs

They come back if they want something from you
They always have someone else in the picture
They discard you when they have no more use for you 

They will never be happy
The sabotage the good in the lives
They are deeply troubled individuals

You will never be good enough for the narcissists.  They will always find something that you're not doing to be good enough.

If you're not fulfilling their needs to the level they want they will find someone else (even if you are, they'll cheat)

If you challenge them and stick up for yourself they will find someone else to fulfill their needs.

One painful lesson I've learned from my experience with a narcissist is that they don't feel remorse. They are not wired to feel bad for anything they've done. In fact, they don't believe they did anything wrong.  They think they're in the right and have a right to do what they do.

My narc cheated on me over and over and over again and only apologized when when he wanted me back, but even then he was still cheating.  He admitted to cheating on me with only 1 woman. As it turns out it was at least 4-5 different women. I'm sure there were more that I'm not able to trace.  Point is, I was never his girl, I was never the only one.

I know that I will never get an "I'm Sorry" for all the horrible things he did to me while we were together. I know he will always blame me and say that I'm the one with issues.  I know that he'll never admit to any wrongdoing more than the one thing he already admitted to.  I know that he will never change and will continue to treat every woman the same as he did me.  

This is just the tip of the iceberg on my experience with a narcissist. There is sooo much more to my story and I hope I'll be able to share it one day.  

THE 13 SIGNS YOU'RE PROBABLY WITH A CHEATER

Here's are some signs that your man is either cheating on you or is up to no good.

1. Has female friends that he talks about that you've never met.

When your man starts talking about his female friends and they aren't someone you've ever met,      there's probably a reason for that.  If these people are truly important to him, he would want you to meet them.  You would meet them in a normal setting, probably not as she's leaving your house without your knowledge.

2. Has new female friends that he's never really talked about until recently.

I had an ex that started talking about some women that he was "friends" with, but he had never even mentioned their name until towards the end when things were getting shady.  As it turned out that so-called "friend" was a woman he cheated on me with for months and months and denied doing anything with her. By the way, she was really not attractive!   

3. Has the KIK messenger app or other secret texting apps such as What's App on his phone.  

This is a HUGE red flag!  My friend met a guy at a happy hour and reached out to him.  He admitted to her that he was in a relationship, but always was interested in having "new friends." She played along for a bit, but then he asked her to download the KIK app because that's how he preferred to communicate.  If your man has this...it's not a good sign!

4. Starts picking fights with you for no real legitimate reason.

A guilty conscience is a funny thing.  When someone is living a lie and it becomes too much, they often take out that stress of keeping up those lies on the people closest to them.  They might start picking fights with you over trivial things and becoming very critical of you. 

5. Is super secretive when it comes to his cell phone.

Anytime a guy acts as though his phone is something that he's afraid for you to see, BEWARE.  There's usually a reason for that.

6. Deletes all of his text messages. 

A sure sign of a guy that has something to hide is when he deletes all his text messages.  They might use the excuse of "I don't like having all the clutter on my phone." Or maybe he'll say, "It makes my phone run slower." Whatever the excuse, it's a bit shady, so beware.

7. Other women start sending you messages on Facebook or other platforms saying that they've been with your man.

I think this one is self-explanatory. Although, there are some serious crazy bitches out there that just want to steal your man and won't stop until they ruin what you have. However, where there's smoke, there's fire.  So, if something doesn't smell right and his explanation doesn't make sense, then trust your gut.

8. Spending less time with you and makes less effort to see you.

You went from seeing each other everyday and spending a lot of time together, to him only making time for you possibly once or twice a week and now makes excuses why he can't hang out with you as much.  They seem like legitimate reasons at first, but then it starts happening more and more and he grows more distant towards you.

9. Suddenly won't answer his phone or call you back after certain times of the day.

 If your spouse went from calling you or texting before they went to bed, or if you were able to call them and they'd always answer, to now they don't answer and don't call back until possibly the next morning, that's a good sign there's something going on.

10. Changes their name and/or their profile pic on Facebook.

Better yet, they get off Facebook completely because it's just "too much drama."  He once had so many pictures of you on Facebook.  He was the proud boyfriend. Now he hides or deletes your pics and hides his relationship status.  NO BUENO!

11. Gives out his business card to women at bars when you're not there.

Maybe you don't find out about this right away, but some how it comes out that he gave his business card to women that have nothing to do with what he does for a living.  Be especially aware if on his business card he has his personal cell phone number printed on it.

12. Still allows ex-girlfriends or flings have contact with him.

If your man was truly committed to you, he wouldn't need the attention from any other woman.  All the women from his past would be just that, his past.  There would be no need to have them in his present. Especially, if you are in a committed relationship such as marriage or engagement.

13. Gets text messages from numbers that you don't know and/or aren't saved in his phone.

This doesn't necessarily mean anything, but it may not be a good thing if you suspect other things.  Also be leery if he starts texting a dude named Larry a lot.  Sometimes guys will change peoples names in their phone to avoid suspicion.

BONUS - Takes trips with friends without you.

This isn't necessarily bad in itself, however in combination with the other shady activity, it just doesn't feel right.

 Here’s the thing, when the stories just don’t add up anymore maybe you need to stop excusing those things away and take a serious look at the situation.

Remember one thing, when your spouse cheats on you, it’s not your fault even if they try and blame you.

It's 100% their issue and they have no one to blame except themselves for making poor decisions and being a weak individual.

I believe even if you start to think about straying that you you need to have a serious conversation with your partner to work on things or end the relationship. Not after the fact.

I’m proud to say that I’ve never cheated, but I’m sad to say that I have been cheated on.  It’s a terrible feeling.  One that usually punches you in the gut and you don’t see coming.  Or maybe you had your suspicions, but weren’t 100% positive.

Know that you are worthy of someone treating with real love and respect.  You don’t deserve to be lied to and cheated on.