LIFE HITS YOU WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I was let go from my job at The Bull after 11 years.  It was something I didn't see coming at all. It's only been a week since I was dealt this devastating blow and I'm still in shock and at a loss for words.  I'm still trying to figure out my plan of action and what my next steps will be.  I've had some old bosses and former coworkers reach out and they've shared some good advice as well thoughts on what I should do.  

So for the past week I've spent a lot of time thinking, talking to God, crying, and getting my stuff together.  I've been brain storming about people I need to reach out to and thinking about what it is that I want to do next.  

Like I said in my last blog, this was something I dreaded thinking about. Anytime someone would ask me what I'd want to do outside of radio, I didn't know what to say.  I mean sure, there's other things I like to do, but a lot of those things would take awhile to get going.  I'd love to have my travel blog or show, but that's not something that happens overnight. 

What's funny about the timing of all of this is, I've been having this feeling of being stuck for the last couple of years. (I'll write about this topic more in another blog) I had been doing Middays for about the last 5 years and wasn't feeling challenged enough.  However, despite not feeling challenged enough, I also got comfortable with that feeling.  So I thought maybe my answer was to finally find my partner in crime.  

 

Since moving to Houston in 2009, I have gone on SO MANY dates.  I would say most of the time I was still trying to figure out what I wanted, but also I wasn't meeting guys that were much of a match.  At one point, after trying for years without much success I gave up dating altogether.  For a whole year I removed myself from that scene so I could change my mindset and outlook.  Then I started dating someone in 2014...we got engaged.  That was a disaster.  Then, in 2018 I dated a guy for about a year and half.  It didn't work out, but we remained friends.  So again, I take a moment to figure things out and get back out there again. 

However, the term "When it rains it pours" comes to mind right about now.   About a month ago I started seeing someone that I really liked. Things seemed to be going really good and we were clicking pretty well.  While there were a few things that we were a little different on, most of the stuff we were pretty much on the same page.  However, when I lost my job my biggest fear was that he would lose interest and not want to date me anymore.   Well, that happened much sooner than I anticipated.  

He told me that I needed to focus on my career and decide what makes me happy.  While I understood what he was saying, it felt like I had been kicked in my imaginary nuts.  I mean, my life instantly became a Country song!! All I needed now was a bottle of whiskey and my dog to run off too for the story to be complete!  While that was a big blow and it sucked, I did kind of understand what he was getting at. I do wish that it wasn't the case, but I can't change his mind or the situation...so I need to focus on my path.

So moving forward...and don't judge me, but today I did something to try and see what might be on the path for me.  I had my birth chart read. I know what you're thinking..."Erin believes in that stuff?"  Well actually...I just might!  When I lived in Milwaukee, my friend Rebecca introduced me to an astrologer named Mary.  She did a couple of readings for me in 2008 and 2010 and a few months back I found the old CDs so I had to give them a listen.  My mouth just dropped as I was listening and she told me some of the things she saw for me.  In both readings she told me about changes that would be happening with my job.  Both times I had felt secure in my position. So I didn't pay much attention to it.  However, listening back and looking back on the timeline of my life,  I realized she was pretty spot on.

Well...today's reading went really well.  I have to go back and listen because there was a lot of information for me to digest, but I feel pretty good about what she said.  I still don't know what opportunities will present themselves or who I'll end up with, but a few things did stick out to me.  She said that I like to shine, but I like to find deeper meaning in things.  She gave ideas  of what good places to live and who to connect with. 

Now when  it comes to relationships, I need to feel like I'm understood and supported emotionally, but not controlled.  And often the men that come into my life don't understand my emotional needs.  Which makes sense because I'm very independent and self sufficient, but really want to have a partner that's truly by my side.  So because of that, my emotional needs and vulnerability are things that a lot of guys can't handle.  Which has been true in just about every relationship that has had an impact on me.  (Btw...I think I'll probably post the audio in a podcast soon so those people that know me can hear how spot on the reading is.) 

So what happens now that I've been kicked down?  As I stated in my podcast "Country Not Country" with Nick Russo, I don't have a spouse to rely on and help me share the burden of things...and I don't have a partner telling me they have my back and we'll get through this.  In fact, I can't even rely on my family either.  I am on an island by myself trying to figure out how I'll get to safety.  Think about that for a second.   I know I feel alone at certain moments and a little abandoned at times, but I have to believe that it will all work out.  And I also want to believe that I won't have to settle with something that I won't be happy with.  I want to believe that something will happen that is better than I expected.

So cross your fingers, pray to sweet baby Jesus, burn a candle in my honor, and hell...I'll even take someone casting a spell for me.  Because if this doesn't work out you may find a GoFundMe link or a FansOnly page so I can get money coming in!  Does anyone want to pics of my feet for $5 a piece?  😂

TODAY I TURN A NEW PAGE

 

Today I turn a new page in my life.  Yesterday 9/10/20 was my last day on 100.3 The Bull in Houston and on 99.5 The Wolf in Portland.  

This was a day I dreaded thinking about.  Honestly, sometimes I would try to envision what it would feel like and how I would react, but when I would try and go there with my thoughts, I would get a lot of anxiety.  I often would think about what my next moves might be and what I could do.   Part of my anxiety stemmed from where I am in my life.  I'm a single woman in my early 40's.  I have no husband to share an income with, no backup plan or partner, and no family close by or any family able to really help if I needed it.  No one takes care of Erin's bills, but Erin. The other part of my anxiety stemmed from the current state of the business and the climate of the job market. 

My Journey

My journey to Houston started on August 3, 2009, when I drive down from Milwaukee to Houston to take a new job at KILT-FM doing mornings with Hudson and Harrigan.  While the opportunity was a pay-cut, I knew that sometimes you need to take a step backward to make that make that leap forward.  

In that time of working at KILT/The Bull, I was started off doing Mornings, then middays, then afternoons, and then back to middays where I stayed for the last 5 years.  I survived numerous rounds of layoffs, 4 different bosses, and made it through the sale of a company.  

I’ve had so many great experiences. I’ve met so many great people including listeners, artists, clients, and coworkers.  I’ve learned so much in my time here.  I’ve had some really great moments.

I don’t know what the future holds.  Frankly,  that part scares me a lot.  I haven’t quite been in this position before.  The times in my career where I found myself really needing to finding a job, I was lucky to have had things work out just in time.

The first time was when I was 20 working in Portland OR at KUPL.  I was full-time Production Assistant and part-time on-air.  I came in one day and part of my position was eliminated.  My salary and benefits were gone.  I was left with part-time on-air at $12 for 6 hours a week.  It was at that time my roommate moved out and the rent was coming due soon.  Luckily, I knew I wanted to be full time on-air so I had applied for a job in Eugene.    Within about the same week of that all happening, I was offered that job in Eugene and was on my way.   I always look back and believe that God was really looking out for me at that moment. 

The next time was when I was in Milwaukee.  I was on 94.5 WKTI, a legendary Hot AC station starting a morning show that was coming on after the beloved long-running morning show Reitman and Mueller.  Mathew Blades in The Morning was the new face of KTI and the uphill battle began.   I thought we had a great show.  I loved my co-hosts Mathew Blades and AJ (aka now known as Marco) and I loved our boss Bob Walker. 

Unfortunately, our show was only given about a year before the company decided to flip formats on the station and we were out.  My saving grace was that I had a “No cut” contract.  Since the company was in financial trouble they wouldn’t pay out our contracts. Instead, I came in every day for 8 hours and walked around the 2 radio stations and the TV station to see if anyone needed anything done.  That lasted 6 months or so until finally landed my job here in Houston. 

Both of those situations were ones where I feel lucky.  I feel like things worked out and someone was looking out for me.  I’m hoping that this time I still have the same luck and blessings. 

Just a couple of weeks ago I was celebrating National Radio Day and my accomplishment of being with the station for 11 years.  I, for once was tooting my horn of what I’ve been able to do in my career.   I was proud to have made it at the station I loved for as long as I did, and was proud of the fact that I’ve been able to work in a business I love for as long as I have.   Like I said in my National Radio Day post, “ Despite what is happening, I’m so thankful that I’m able to do what I do for a living after all these years.  As a child that would sit in her bedroom at night listening to scratchy AM radio, to the teenager that would call the DJs and win all the prizes, my obsession became my profession.  That’s something I’m pretty proud of."

I know that a rollercoaster of emotions lies ahead. 

Am I scared? Absolutely.  

Am I sad? I’m heartbroken.  

Am I worried? Yes without a doubt.  

Am I questioning myself? I'm fighting the self-doubt, but I’m a bit lost at the moment.  

I feel as though I’ve had a death or I’m just going through a really bad break up that I didn’t see coming.  I had no idea this would be my situation today.  Part of me wishes I did so that I had time to absorb the reality and have a plan going in my head.  However, life often hits you when you least expect it.  

 

I’m so thankful for all those that I’ve worked with over the years at KILT/100.3 The Bull.  I’m thankful to those that hired me, believed in me, fought for me, and encouraged me. Without their help over the years, I wouldn't have made it to this point.

I also want to thank every person that has reached out, called, text, and gave me words of encouragement.  In this time of uncertainty, evaluation, and self-reflection, I appreciate every bit of positivity and love I can get.  

I don’t know what my next opportunity will be, but I know in my heart that I have so much more to offer and I have many more talents that I still have to share. I don’t want to believe for a second that this is my last day in radio or on the radio.  Whatever my path is to be, I pray that God, the universe, or whoever is listening, will help show me my way and I’ll be able to shine. 

 

LIFE IN QUARANTINE

The last several months have been difficult for so many of us.  And for all of us those reasons are many.  So many of us lost jobs and others lost loved ones.  Some have been lucky enough to work from home, but then deal with the challenge of making that work with their kids and spouse home ALL DAY EVERYDAY.  

For me, I've been lucky enough to still have a job and do it from home.  Working from home is something I never imagined I'd be able to do.  First of all, who thinks they can broadcast from their house.  I also never thought I could handle being at the house all day.  I thought I'd get distracted easily and wouldn't be able to do it. I wondered if I'd slack off and want to take a nap, but nope!  Actually, I've done way better than I thought.  I actually kind of like it sometimes!  I have a small bedroom in my house that I set up as my office.  Over the years it turned in to a storage room, but over the last couple of month I've got things more organized and set up.   I still have to work to do, but it's definitely coming together.  

I think the hardest part about this quarantine life for me has been realizing how alone I am.  Thankfully I have my dogs, but sometimes it kinda feels like that's all I have.  I have some friends, but they all have their own stressful lives.  Also, most of them don't even live close by.  And the friends I have close by are typically doing their own quarantine thing.  I have family, but honestly, I don't speak to my brothers often and my mother is a different story.  Let's just say that my mother is not your typical mom.  My mom never calls me and if I call her, she rarely answers.  She doesn't text and once again, if you text her she might reply.  Maybe... 

 

Then there's the single part of it.  The last relationship I had didn't work out and while we're still friends, we're not a couple.  So the reality is that I'll have to re-enter the dating world and what does that even look like in a Covid-19 world?  Will it be just as hard as it was for me before?

 

I'd be lying if I said I haven't been a bit depressed occasionally during this time of quarantine.  At first,  I was totally fine, but then I think as we entered month 2 and beyond, the reality set in.  The reality that we weren't going to do much for awhile.  Basically that feeling of being stuck set in.  One of the things I really love to do is travel and that doesn't look to be happening anytime soon.  

Quarantine time has been tough on everyone's mental health.  While it's been comforting to know that everyone in the world is, to a certain extent, in the same place.  It's also been overwhelming to think that everyone is in need.  So then I try and ignore my sadness because I feel like my problems aren't big enough.  

At least during this time I've been accomplishing some small things around my house. I really hoped that I would have accomplished a lot more, like learn a new hobby.  I will say that this time of quarantine has really inspired me to start writing my blog again and start up my podcast.  Now I promise they won't all be depressing, but they will be centered around a lot of my thoughts and feelings.  

WHAT IS MY LIFE SUPPOSED TO BE?

As I approach another birthday, the older I get, the more I reflect on my life.  I often wonder where my life is going.  Could I have done more in my life and with my life?  Should I have tried harder in my career and in my personal life?  Would I be married by now if I had done things differently?  Should I have had kids?  I've been asking myself these questions and other questions more and more lately.

While I'm trying to be better about living in the present,  I sometimes have a hard time with it because I know that the time we have on this earth is short.  Someone recently asked me what my goals were and I had a really hard time answering them.  Frankly, I felt really stupid because I didn't have this list of all these things I wanted to achieve.  I could tell them the places that I wanted to travel to and that I wanted to get married, but I couldn't tell them specifically what I still wanted to achieve in my career, in my life, where I wanted to live, and where I saw myself in 10 years.  In that moment I felt like a failure. I felt like a failure because right then I reflected on the past 10 years in Houston and I felt like I wasted all this time and wasted away my life.

When I was younger I planned out certain things I wanted to achieve in my life.  I told myself that I would graduate at 17 from high school, by 19 I'd be done with school for radio, and then I'd be on the fast track to my career in radio. I had places I wanted to live and places I wanted  to work.  However, that didn't happen exactly as planned.  I got married, moved around the country for his job in radio, and then divorced by the time I was 28.  I had some career growth in that time I was married, but my life certainly didn't go the way I thought  it might've gone.  However, I was OK with that for the most part.  I got to meet a lot of great people, I have some really great experiences, and learned some great life lessons.

I guess when it came to having this laundry list of stuff I wanted to accomplish in my life, I didn't get too crazy with it after I got divorced.  Much of the stuff I wanted to accomplish in my life, didn't happen; and the things that did happen, I never envisioned for myself.   Maybe you've heard the saying that "God laughs when you make plans."  So part of me tried to embrace what life threw at me and go with the flow. I tried not worry so much about what was to come.  I came to Houston under the pretense of having a certain job and that went out the window when that boss left and I got a new boss.  Since then I feel like my life has been in a weird holding pattern.  Some things in my life have changed, but I sometimes feel like my life has just stood still.  Most of my friends have gone and got married, had children, made career changes, and so on...I feel like I've been in the same place for 10 years and all that's changed for me is buying a house, traveling, a really bad relationship, losing my dad, and getting older. I don't feel like I've accomplished much.

I paid a visit to a coworkers house and while we sat there catching up, she said something that really made me feel good and also made me think a lot.  She said, "Erin you're probably one of the most untapped talents in that building."  I appreciated her saying that because for the last 4-5 years I've been here I've felt like I could do more and be more, but wondered if I really had the talent.  I have had so many bosses and other people put me in a box of what they think I am, who I should be, what role they think I should be in, and what they think I'm capable of.  That lens that they chose to see me through is why I feel stuck and unaccomplished. I blame myself for waiting to be recognized and thinking that it would happen if I had more patience.

There's been moments where I sit alone in my house and look at myself in the mirror.  I just stare at my refection and ask myself, God, and the universe what is my purpose? Why am I here?  I just stare and wonder is this all my life is going to be and have I wasted too much time?   Is this the highest level of accomplishment that God has planned for me. Should I have made more plans for myself than I did?  Should I have taken more chances?  Did I make choices that have prevented me from living an amazing life? Will I still have an amazing life or is it too late?   

While I know that my life is better than many, I can't help but feel like I failed because I haven't accomplished more.  Maybe the fact that I'm not married and spent most of my time in Houston single, I feel like like I wasted those years where I didn't have anything to hold me back and instead of setting the world on fire, I sat back and let the fire inside me get extinguished by others and by myself because I let it happen.

RELATIONSHIPS AND THE FEAR THAT CREEPS IN

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog.  There’s various reasons for that.  I started dating someone. Work got busy. I also wanted to compile topics to write about including this one.

In the last 7 months I’ve been dating someone who has been so great in so many ways. And if you know me or have followed my blog at all over the years, you know that I've had some trials and tribulations when it comes to relationships.  I got married pretty young and was divorced before 30.  I spent much of my 30's single, trying to figure it out. Then, in my mid 30's I was briefly engaged to a cheating narcissist.  Now I'm in a budding relationship and that's why I write this blog entry.

WHY DO I WANT A RELATIONSHIP?

I've been asked this question from time to time over the years.  Whether it was a friend, my co-worker, or my therapist, they've all asked me why do I want a relationship.  Why do I want to find someone so bad?  I don't think I want someone sooo bad, but I do want to find a great love. And let's be clear,  I don't just want a relationship. If I wanted that, I could find someone.  I'm looking for my person.

After being asked that question several times I did some self analyzing.  I thought about why do I worry about finding a relationship more than some of my friends.  Why do some people not care if they ever find someone and I DO care about it?   After much thought, I've come up with several reasons why I want a relationship "so bad" as some have put it.

It all boils down to love.  I want to feel what it's like to ACTUALLY have someone love me.  I want to have that great love.  I want to feel what it's like to have someone love you and they think the world of you and there's no "but" attached.  I want to be in love with my best friend.  I want to be with someone that thinks I'm the best thing they've ever had and that I make their life better by being in it and vice versa. I'm not sure if that's too much to ask, but I'd like to think that it's something that can happen.

One of the things I realized when I really thought about the people I've picked in relationships and dating, is that a lot of it stems from my relationship with my parents.  I was a kid that needed affection, attention, to be liked, and to be accepted.  My parents on the other hand weren't the most affectionate parents.  They also weren't the most encouraging and uplifting.  When it comes to The 5 Love Languages and how I receive love, I'm a Words of Affirmation and Quality Time person. So when someone I'm looking to date wants to spend time with me and gives me compliments I've gravitated towards that.  Granted, if they're over the top then it sends up a red flag for me. A lot of people can be disingenuous and so when I meet someone that's a bit over the top with their appreciation I usually have my guard up with them more than I would other people.




Some people might say, "But Erin you've been married!"  While that is true, I'll say that deep down I never really felt the love I wanted. My ex-husband was really my first real relationship and sometimes I feel like I just didn't know better.  I didn't know what a really good relationship was, so I just went along with things. I wasn't really sure of what was acceptable and what wasn't.  Granted, I learned a lot from that relationship, but I definitely felt like it was lacking a lot in the love and affection department.  That lack of affection then propelled me into the next relationship where I started dating a guy right after getting separated.  He was a 180 degree difference from my ex-husband.  He made me feel pretty, sexy, smart, talented, and did sweet things for me.

After that relationship ended I spent a lot of time "trying on shoes."  Seeing what was out there and what I liked and what I didn't.  I spent about a good 9 years being single and figuring it out and figuring myself out. Eventually, I met someone who seemed to be serious.  He thought I was amazing and despite telling me he didn't really ever want to get married, he changed his mind and we got engaged.  Exciting right?  Well, that was short lived because the feelings I always had in my gut were true.  He wasn't ever faithful .

I think that part of the reason I dated my ex-fiance was because I was ripe for the picking.  I had been single for about 9 years and had been here in Houston for about 6 years without much success in the dating/love department.   Then here comes a smart, successful doctor who thinks I'm the shit!   For once I met a guy that thought my job was amazing and wasn't intimidated by it. I for once didn't have to hide what my job was or worry about a guy asking if I'll talk about them in a blog or on the radio.  He thought it was awesome that I had a career that I was so passionate about.

Now fast forward to the end.  Here's a person that says that they loved you so much, but was lying the entire time. I mean, how could a person cheat on you as much as they did if they really loved you?  So you can see where my examples of love haven't been what they should be.

So those examples of love and relationships combined with the fact that I'm getting older have made me worry about it (love) more than I should.  I recently had the conversation with someone that said they were totally fine if they never found someone.  They had come to terms that if they never found someone that they were fine with it.  While I wish I could let it go and not worry about it and just say screw it,  I can't. I would like to experience what a good relationship is. I want to know there's someone that won't change their mind...especially at the drop of a hat.  I want to have someone that won't give up.  I want to know that there's someone that would try as much as I would.   I know it won't be perfect, but if both people try, then that's a damn good start. And let's be honest...I'd like to travel with someone and see the world with someone!

IF YOU'RE STILL HOOKED ON EX...DON'T DATE!

There's a saying, "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone."  While there might be some people that think this actually works, I don't believe it ever really helps.