This is one of my worst habits. I compare myself to other people all the time. Hence, why I wrote the blog about comparing my life to my friends on Facebook.
Last Sunday I didn't go to church so I decided to watch Joel Osteen on TV. Not sure if it was just coincidence or a bit of divine intervention, but the sermon was about being comfortable with yourself. Joel spoke about how there is an underlying pressure to be number 1. Whether its at work or it's among friends.
He said there's always going to be something that can make us feel like we don't measure up or that we're falling behind. And as long as we compare ourselves to others we will never feel good about ourselves. As he spoke there was so much that I could relate to. I just started tearing up because everything he talked about is something I do.
I sometimes start competitions with other people in my head. They have no idea they're a part of my imaginary race, but they are. I set goals to be better than they are at whatever. If someone has what I want I try and see if I can have it too.
Some of these areas where I compare myself to others are: people that have someone or are in a relationship. I compare myself to women that are prettier than me or younger than me. (That's a bad one for me because when I do this, I get down on myself and tell myself terrible things.) I compare myself to people at work a lot. Who got a promotion, who makes more money, and who is getting more recognition.
It takes a secure person to say, “I’m comfortable with who I am.” Accept the gifts and talents that God has given you.
— Joel Osteen (@JoelOsteen) March 30, 2014
I had to write notes while watching the sermon that day so that I could go back and revisit the message. A phrase that stuck out to me was about how we're all in our own race. It doesn't matter if the person at work gets a promotion and you don't. God has a plan and gave you the gifts you have for your race and nobody else's.
From now on I need to remind myself that, sure that girl might be younger than me and prettier, or that woman may have bigger boobs that get her a lot of attention, but I'm not them. I'm in a race with me.
I'll admit this is going to be extremely difficult for me to change. I've been like this since I was a little kid so changing this bad habit isn't going to happen overnight. Some parts I'm not sure if I'll ever completely change like comparing myself physically to other women, but when I catch myself doing it I'll have to remember that God gave me my own gifts.
There's a new show about to debut on CBS called 'Friends With Better Lives' that has inspired me to write this blog. It's something that I've noticed myself doing numerous times. Scanning thru my news feed on Facebook and I see all the great things that my friends are doing. It makes me wonder if my life will ever be fabulous like theirs.
I can picture it now, I'm sitting on my couch in my t shirt and sweats, that I've worn all week when I get home. I've got my hair in a ponytail with no make up on and I have a glass of wine in one hand and my iPhone in the other. I'm sitting there scrolling down my news feed looking at the posts from my friends boasting about their fabulous lives. They talk about the amazing feats their children have accomplished, how they have the best boyfriend/husband ever, they post about their weekend adventures, where they are at all the places to be seen. Yet, you can see me laying on my couch in the fetal position. Well, maybe not exactly the fetal position.
Have you found yourself looking at someone else's life and thought how great they had it and how your life was lame? I find myself doing that more than I want to admit. Even though I know my life isn't really lame, I just want more. I think a lot of us are guilty for wanting what we don't/can't have.
I ALWAYS look at my friends with boyfriends or that are married and think how I wish I had someone who loved me. Although, I'm sure they look at me wishing that they were single and free. I look at my friends that travel all the time and think how awesome that would be to see different parts of the country and the world on a whim. Then again, they might see the pictures of the celebrities that I meet through my job and wish they could do that. Sometimes I look at my friends that are so pretty and have amazing bodies and wish I had that, but there's probably someone who looks at me and wishes they had something that I have.
A couple of examples that popped up and made me think that my life is so "un-fabulous" was when a friend of mine posted a picture of her and her friends whooping it up in Austin. There she stood with her perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfectly pretty friends drinking at a bar with other perfect people having a perfect time. Then there's the guy that posts from every event he ever goes to that is where the cool kids are hanging out. One picture is with a ton of girls running around in booty shorts. The next picture is taken at some fancy sit down dinner that Andy Roddick is a part of. Really? I'm sitting at home eating my turkey lasagna leftovers.
I think we all wish our lives were more. Whether it's more exciting or it's more settled, we all want to know if the other side is really greener. When I got a divorce I thought that it had to be better on the other side. Living the single life seemed to be a walk in the park. For a little while it was, but since then it's been a little bit of the Goldilocks game. And I'm still waiting to find what feels just right.
We should all be happy with what we have, but I don't see anything wrong with wanting more. I think it helps keep our inner drive going. It keeps that fire within us to be more and do more. Hopefully it won't depress us. It's made me sad a time or two, but I'm trying to tell myself that all is not as it appears...especially on Facebook.
The other night I was up in our suite at the rodeo. There was a guy I know in our suite with his new girlfriend. I found myself doing what I always do when I see people that have someone and I don't...I started getting a little depressed. ( and no I don't want to date him)
I got sad because he made it look so easy. He's been divorced for a year or so and now has a serious girlfriend that he seemed pretty into. Some people just make it look like finding love is a piece of cake.
I went home that night and watched some TV. Something someone said about their spouse made me start crying. I just sat there on the couch crying and talking out loud to God asking him if he was ever going to bring someone in my life that really loved me. "God will you ever bring me the love of my life? Or are you trying to tell that it's never going to happen?"
This is the thing I wonder about year in and year out. And the older I get the more I worry.
I want to believe that God does have someone great for me, but with all the time that's passed and still not finding anyone that trips my trigger, it makes me have doubt. I want to believe that my great love is just taking a little longer to make his way towards me, but then I wonder if I'm missing the sign from God that it's not his plan for me.
What makes me feel worse is just yesterday, while out at rodeo, I saw a guy I know that I had such a crush on. (I put him on such a pedestal in my mind.) Out of nowhere he walks by and all he did was wave from a distance. He barely acknowledged that he saw me. I couldn't have felt smaller. Imagine a scene from a cheesy high school movie where the nerdy girl see's the most popular guy in school waving, and really he was waving to the pretty cheerleader behind her. That's kind of how I felt.
I'll be honest, I have felt myself getting into a funk for a few weeks now. Seeing my friend that makes it look so easy and getting the "do I know you" wave only confirmed what I thought was starting to happen. I don't want to be in the funk. However, there is some negative self talk plays a role. (We'll save that for a different blog)
I know God's plan for everyone is different. Just because everyone else seems to be finding love doesn't mean I won't. It also doesn't mean they're truly happy. I just want to know that will happen for me someday.
I'm not a super religious person. I went to church growing up and I may not believe everything that I was taught as a kid but I still believe that God guides us and answers prayers.
After I had something happen to me last week I decided to share my story and give other examples where I think God was looking out for me.
The first time I believe that God had a helping in hand was when I was just starting out in the business. I was living with a friend of mine that I met in college. Both of us were just starting out and were trying to make it. Well, one day she decided to move out with her boyfriend and didn't give me any notice. Not to mention rent was due and I couldn't afford to pay it alone. To add on top of that, my job had decided to make my "full-time" job a "part-time" job and cut my benefits.
Here's how it all worked out. I had been looking and applying for full-time on air jobs. I got a call about one and landed it very quickly. As for paying for the rent that my roommate skipped out on, the manager let me use her half of the deposit to pay for the rent. And since the apartment lease was month to month, I moved out and headed to my new job and new city.
I feel like God really made all the pieces come together.
I believe God had a hand when I moved here to Houston. My station in Milwaukee had just flipped formats and if it weren't for my "no-cut" contract I would've lost my job like one of my co-workers did. Without that contract I might've found myself homeless. Thankfully I had it, and since the company wasn't doing well they didn't want to pay me out. So I still came into work and helped out where I could until I found my job in Houston at KILT.
Again, I believe God helped everything line up the way it was supposed to.
This last example is what made me write this blog. Last week I had a procedure done. I wasn't knocked out, just made a little woozy. They told me I couldn't drive afterwards and that I needed someone to pick me up.
Now, I've had procedures before where I was knocked out. And with those procedures, I wasn't allowed to drive either. However, when I woke up I was totally able to drive. And this time I thought I could too.
Bobbie, who I work with, picked me up. I wanted her to take me to my car so that I could drive home. She was telling me that I was not able to drive, but I convinced her to take me to my car.
I got in to my car and told her to follow me. Although, I didn't get far. As I drove off I hit a curb and noticed that my car started driving funny. I pulled over and I had a flat tire.
I've hit curbs before and didn't get a flat tire. So I feel like this time it was different.
Needless to say, I had to get my car towed home and Bobbie delivered my zonked out butt home. I don't remember much from that night but I remember that I couldn't make sense of the cars in front of us.
I believe that God had me get a flat tire that night so that nothing would happen to me, or worse, to someone else. I believe he protected me that day.
These 3 instances I truly believe that God was looking out for me. I only hope that he will continue to look out for me in the future.
A friend of mine at work said yesterday, "God controls my destiny, people don't."
Believe that God is directing your steps; believe that He’s in control. He has the solution before you had the problem.
— Joel Osteen (@JoelOsteen) February 21, 2014
On January 9, 2014 I lost my best friend, Sexie. Today I get a
surprise that was probably the nicest thing someone has ever done for
me.
I rarely receive mail at work, but
today I decided to check out the mail room just in case. There was a
small red box from Shutterfly in the KILT-FM Jock mail slot. When I saw
my name on it I thought "Oh this has to be some pretty big junk mail."
When I opened it I got the surprise of my life. There was a book with a
ton of pictures of Sexie over the years.
I
instantly started crying. How nice was that? Someone took the time to
get all those pictures together, design the book and send it to me.
It's really one of, if not the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me. The only
problem is, I have NO IDEA who made the book. There was no note or
anything about who sent it or made it for me.
This
seriously was the last thing I'd ever expect anyone to do for me.
It's little things like this that make me happy and let me know that there
are still some very nice people out there. People that care about
people. And people that care about our furry friends.
Thank you so much. I will treasure this book forever.
Some people may think dogs are just animals. I believe that they are so much more than that. I believe they are a part of the family. They are a companion, your travel buddy, your snuggle buddy. They are your best friend. And this past week I lost the best thing that came into my life, my dog Sexie.
I want to share how Sexie came into my life. Sexie was the first dog I've ever owned. I had always been scared of dogs until one day I snapped out it and I wanted one. When my ex-husband and I were newlyweds in Omaha I decided I wanted a dog. He asked me what kind and I said a Rottweiler. At first he thought I was crazy, but after doing some research he agreed and the search began.
After looking for weeks we came across this lonely puppy in a crate that caught our eye. Maybe part of the reason she got our attention was because every time we asked how much she cost, her price went down. Lucky for her and I the price was right. Sexie found a home.
Sexie was a pain in the ass puppy. She'd bite our ankles when we'd take her for walks. She'd constantly try to get in the front seat when I'd take her for rides in the car. My ex would get phone calls from me during the day about how crazy she was making me. It was about that time we decided to get Sexie a friend and we rescued Oscar. The two became playmates in no time.
Shortly there after we moved to Austin, TX. That was the first move of many to come for Sexie and I. In total we have made 4 cross country moves and at least 6 moves into different places to rest our heads.
We have gone through a lot together; a marriage, a divorce, countless bad dates, numerous lonely nights, and lots of nights where we'd just snuggle up on the couch. Sexie was truly my partner in crime. She was a mama's girl.
I feel like Sexie was part human. She'd get jealous if she wasn't getting attention. She'd watch tv with me. She knew how to hug, kiss, high five and shake. Sexie was so smart. She even knew that when one of other dogs did something bad to hide in the other room so she wouldn't get into trouble. Almost like she knew that shiz was gonna go down once mom got home and she didn't want any part of it.
Over the last year and a half Sexie's health had gone down hill. A vet told me that she had a tumor in her intestines and the next day she pooped out a pair of my socks and a pair of my underwear. After that she didn't get back to 100%. For the longest time I thought it was stomach issues. I kept her on a very strict diet and I cooked her food everyday.
Until I took her to the emergency vet on Wednesday, stomach problems were the extent of what I thought were her issues. It was when we got more X-rays done that the vet told me Sexie had a tumor on her heart. It was causing her to have heart failure and somehow that was causing her lungs to fill up with fluid. It was at that moment that I had to make the hardest decision of my life.
It took me over 3 hours to decide what to do. There I am in this vet office, with no one with me other than my dying best friend. I was pacing back and forth asking God to give me a sign of what to do. I kept asking the vet to give me more time. I just couldn't imagine my life without her. I just couldn't come to grips with the permanence of my decision. I needed to wrap my head around it.
I called my ex-boyfriend who was nice enough to leave work a few hours early so that he could be there with me. I just didn't want to be in that room alone when it happened. I balled like a baby and told her how sorry I was. As I type this now I crying because the pain to still too fresh.
I will miss so many things about Sexie. I'll miss her laying in bed with me, her nudging my hand to pet her more if I stopped, the smell of her ears, her barking at the TV when she'd see a dog on the screen. I'll miss her greeting me at the door when I get home, I'll miss her nub of a tail wiggling when I call her name. I'll miss whispering in her ear and telling how she's the best dog ever.
I just hope that I never forget her. I hope she knows how special she was to me. I hope she knows what a difference she made in my life. And my biggest hope is that God is a kind God. I pray that God doesn't give us these precious creatures for such a short time, only to have them here with us now and then not being able to see them ever again. I want to believe that Sexie is up in heaven walking around getting pets from everyone.Or walking around giving little kids kisses on their face.
My life will never be the same. My heart will never be completely whole again. Some people may not understand the impact that an animal can have on your life, and for them I feel sorry. For those that do, I ask that you give your animal an extra long hug tonight. And then give them one for me too.
