Sunday, March 9, 2014

MY NEVER ENDING WORRY: WILL I ALWAYS BE SINGLE?

The other night I was up in our suite at the rodeo. There was a guy I know in our suite with his new girlfriend.  I found myself doing what I always do when I see people that have someone and I don't...I started getting a little depressed. ( and no I don't want to date him)

I got sad because he made it look so easy. He's been divorced for a year or so and now has a serious girlfriend that he seemed pretty into. Some people just make it look like finding love is a piece of cake.

I went home that night and watched some TV. Something someone said about their spouse made me start crying.  I just sat there on the couch crying and talking out loud to God asking him if he was ever going to bring someone in my life that really loved me. "God will you ever bring me the love of my life? Or are you trying to tell that it's never going to happen?"

This is the thing I wonder about year in and year out. And the older I get the more I worry. 
 



 
I want to believe that God does have someone great for me, but with all the time that's passed and still not finding anyone that trips my trigger, it makes me have doubt. I want to believe that my great love is just taking a little longer to make his way towards me, but then I wonder if I'm missing the sign from God that it's not his plan for me.  

What makes me feel worse is just yesterday, while out at rodeo, I saw a guy I know that I had such a crush on. (I put him on such a pedestal in my mind.) Out of nowhere he walks by and all he did was wave from a distance. He barely acknowledged that he saw me. I couldn't have felt smaller. Imagine a scene from a cheesy high school movie where the nerdy girl see's the most popular guy in school waving, and really he was waving to the pretty cheerleader behind her.  That's kind of how I felt.


I'll be honest, I have felt myself getting into a funk for a few weeks now.  Seeing my friend that makes it look so easy and getting the "do I know you" wave only confirmed what I thought was starting to happen.  I don't want to be in the funk. However, there is some negative self talk plays a role. (We'll save that for a different blog)
 

I know God's plan for everyone is different. Just because everyone else seems to be finding love doesn't mean I won't. It also doesn't mean they're truly happy.  I just want to know that will happen for me someday. 




 

5 comments:

simplybeckz said...

We each seek a peace in our heart,
A new beggining and a hopeful fresh start,
And each day it may seem like a distant dream,
As we keep our head above water of our lifes daily stream,
But a light will shine a beam down on you Erin,
And hopefully end your despairing,
Smile,be happy,you may find its closer than you think :)
JG

Just a simple poem, but a meaningful one, there are many who can relate to you Erin, me for one, your a good person and deserve happiness in your life, and god willing one day it will all seem so easy, you wont know it until it is staring you in the face :) xx

Lily M said...

Oh honey you have no idea but god has some MAJOR plan for you. You are too special and talented... trust in his path that he has set out for you. And you know what they say, true love usually arrives when you are not looking for it!

Anonymous said...

Erin,

First of all, stop whining. You sen to notice how everyone on FaceBook talks about how wonderful their life is while you do the opposite. Everyone has bad days. We just don't talk about them. You want better days, talk about the fun things you do! Look like a woman in demand! A winner! Nobody wants to hang out with a chick who is depressed. Keep it positive even when you feel down.

Erin Austin said...

"Nobody wants to hang out with a chick who is depressed."

Depression is a serious illness. Telling someone to snap out of it or "stop whining" isn't going to help that person with their depression.

Even though my depression isn't a severe case, it is something that I've been struggling with many years and have sought treatment for and continue to do.

Shitting out rainbows isn't my style but I'm trying everyday to see and be more positive.

I don't expect you to understand as you don't walk in my shoes nor do you know what goes on in my head.

I'll try to snap out of it, thanks

Anonymous said...

Drama, drama and whining. Who the hell would want to hang out with you for longer than it takes to to fuck you?

Seriously Erin. People try to give you advice and you zero in on one sentence and say something stupid like "depression is a serious illness." Really? That was all you took away from that last comment? Instead of grasping the advise to bring positive energy to your life, you take the low road (again!) and reply: "Shitting out rainbows isn't my style." Classy. Although shitting out rainbows would be more unique than the boring bland stink bombs you currently spew on this dumb-ass blog. Stop being the toxic end of your failed relationships i.e "the asshole." Guys get tired of the question, "Do you think I'm pretty?""Am I fat?" "Do you like me?" They want somebody who brings positive energy to the relationship.

The reason guys want a blowjob from you is because you can't talk with a dick in your mouth. Own what your life has become because you created it. And by the way, being a total fucking arrogant bitch isn't what being a strong woman is all about. It's just being a total fucking arrogant bitch. It is taking control without blaming others for your failures. Strong people see problems and fix them. You just look like a fool by not owning your bad choices.

If you are actually seeing a doctor for your depression, get another one. She is an enabler who probably hates men and likely has daddy issues.

Finally, allow me to justify my comments they way you justify yours: Shitting out rainbows isn't my style. And by the way, you didn't break your vibrator. It committed suicide.