WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A BUT???

A while back I wanted to write this blog.  I had decided to put it on the back burner, but after a few things that have happened in recent months, I've decided that I needed to get this one off my chest.

I know a lot of single ladies will feel me on this one...

Picture this scene:  Girl sees boy she finds attractive at (insert place here).  She finds out his name and maybe tries to find him on Facebook. Then only to find out that he has a (insert obstacle here: ex, wife, girlfriend, fiance, baby mama). It happens every time!  Every guy that I find attractive has a giant "BUT!"

It doesn't always have to be the typical "BUT" either. Typical "BUT's" would be, as I mentioned earlier: wife, girlfriend, fiance, baby mama, or girl they've been dating for an extended period of time. Other "BUT'S" include: kids, job issues, past relationship issues, jail time, or any other life obstacle that would make them a possible undesirable person to date.

I don't want to fail to mention that these "BUT's" aren't always labeled by me or the woman.  These are "BUT's" that the subject puts upon themselves.  For instance, I once had a guy flat out tell me he wouldn't date me because he had too much drama in his life.  His drama included: ex, kid, and some financial issues. Actually, it really included several general life roadblocks.  Put those all together and this guy is not looking for a relationship. (Or at least not one with me)

They say finding someone has a lot to do with timing.  Sometimes I think that's a little bit of B.S.,but other times I think it's got some truth to it. How is it though...that every single person that I've been attracted to in the last 5 years of my life has a "BUT?" 

Let me think of some of the "BUT's."

• There's a hot guy at my gym...BUT he's married! AND his wife is pregnant! ---He's OUT!
• I met this guy when I was out with my friends...BUT...he doesn't want a gf because he wants to travel.
• I have this great guy friend I've always had a crush on...BUT he lives in another state.
• I know this guy that is a great catch. Smart, good looking, great sense of humour...BUT he has a baby mama...AND he's still hung up on her.
• There's this guy I think is super cute...BUT he likes blonds...AND big boobs!
• I dated this sweet guy...BUT he was at a bad place in his life when we dated.

Do you get my point?  These are just a few of the "BUT's" that I could come up with in 1.26 min.  If you gave me about an hour I could come up with a ton.  

When will I ever meet someone I'm attracted to and there's no "BUT?" Is there always going to be a "BUT" and I'll just have to settle? Will I have to settle with a guy that his "BUT" is that I don't find him attractive? (He's a nice guy...BUT...I'm thinking of someone else when we're in bed together.) Just saying'.

SCARED TO BE MYSELF

I'm sure I've talked about this subject before, but in case I haven't...here it goes. 

I was flipping around TV and caught a bit of The Bachelor Pad finale. Blakeley, one of contestants, said something that struck me. She comes across as a little rough around the edges. She's tatted up and is a little bit of a tough talker. While on the show she started dating a guy. A guy that thought she was gorgeous and was happy to be with her despite her tough exterior.

Even though I wanted to puke while watching her get emotional over finding this great guy, I couldn't help feel for her in a way.  Here's a girl that comes off tough, but still found a guy that loves her.  In fact, he popped the question on the show! Now will it work out?? In today's day and age it's tough, but I did appreciate that she found someone. (Although I don't believe for a second that she's ever had a shortage of boyfriends)

The part that stuck out for me is when she said thought it was all too good to be true. Through her tears she admitted that she didn't know what she did to deserve someone like Tony. She went on to say that he lets her be herself and can let her guard down.

Even though I kind of wanted to barf, I knew how she felt.  I've never been in a relationship where I could be myself.  To be honest, it doesn't even get to that point most of the time. Every time I go out with a guy I'm paralyzed with fear to by myself.

After years of being myself without any success with relationships I thought maybe I need to tone myself down.  So now when I actually do have a date I try to be a very vanilla and non-offending version that they might like.  The only problem is I then get anxiety because I become afraid that once the guy finds out that I'm sassy and tell dirty jokes that they will run for the hills and change their mind about me.

The only guys that have seen "Erin" in her true form are my guy friends from Milwaukee or guys that I work with at the station.  I've noticed that I'm totally myself around people at work, my friends (both guys and girls), and random people I meet.  I'm myself around pretty much everyone except guys that I'm trying to date.  I'm so scared that I won't be good enough or that I'll be too much for them to handle that I tense up.

I had a Jamba juice date with a guy recently and a guy at work asked me how it went.  When I told it that it went well, he responded back with, "Don't worry! You'll have another chance to scare him off."  And you know what; I think I did just that. Although, I'm not sure what I did. And trust me, I analyzed everything I said, did, and how I acted. To be honest, there's not one specific moment that I remember pissing my chances down my shorts.

I know some people are going to say, "Erin, don't change yourself to please others. There's someone out there that can handle all that you are." Yada yada yada...blah blah blah. I get that and I get that I maybe an acquired taste, but COME ON! I can't be that bad!! Or am I?  They say you should be true to yourself, but what if the real you is the reason why they don't stay?

SMH: SHAKING MY HEAD...AT MYSELF!

Do you ever have those moments where you just want to smack yourself upside the head for something you did? I had that moment where I wanted to shake myself like a crying baby for being a bit of an idiot. You're probably wondering what it is that made me have such a lapse in judgement. Actually, it's not something I did...more like something I let myself believe.

I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, but I guess I'm feeling a little bit like a stupid teenage girl.

I've been told I'm cynical. (No kidding right?) Although, lately I've been finding myself becoming a little more gullible. I'm falling in a trap where I'm actually believing something in my head, when it would probably never ever actually happen in the real world.

Here's a scenario that has happened several times and I still somehow fall for it. Say there's a guy that's giving me a little bit of attention. He sends flirty messages, possibly even a sassy text after a few drinks. He seems to be kinda interested yet, no moves are made.

I think most girls would be a little confused. Is he Interested? Does he just want to hookup? Whats going on here?

Well, I had tell myself then and when it still happens I have to remind myself that "You're probably not the only one he does this to so stop thinking you're so special."


Those nights where he's texting you...guess what? He probably sent the same text about snuggling to 3 others girls! You're not so special anymore.

The fact that he never really asks to hang out with you should've been another ginormous clue that "Hey!! The dude isn't really that interested!"

I've heard a saying, 'If he wanted to hang out with you, He would.' And as much as I would love to believe there is a lot of gray area there, I think that if man wants something he goes after it, and if he's not going after you it's probably because he doesn't want you...or at least not bad enough.

So, I just have to shake my head at myself for believing that that guy would ever like or date me. Its like high school Erin all over again. When Adam Stockman would talk to me in the hall and say something I perceived as flirty and thought maybe just maybe that he liked me! When in actuality I had some candy and he wanted a piece! (candy is not a metaphor for something. It's actually candy)

So, the next time I'm getting these cryptic messages that are semi-flirty in nature, somewhat generic, and it goes nowhere because he never does anything about it...I'll have to remind myself a few things. 1. He probably sent the same message to 3 chicks (at least) 2. If he wanted to see you he would. 3. He's probably just messing with you. So get over yourself because you ain't so special!

WHY DO I COMPARE MYSELF?

I wrote about comparing yourself to others several years ago.  I don't remember what I wrote, but I know that it's a bad habit of mine that I still have a hard time breaking.  I just did it again today in fact.  And when I did, it instantly made me sad.

You gotta love Facebook sometimes.  It's the perfect place for someone with any sort of insecurity about themselves to look around for 5 minutes and make themselves feel like poop.  What's even more pathetic, is that half the time you're looking around on people's FB pages not trying to feel worse. Then, it happens.  Someone pops in your head and you decide to go to their page.  Some might call it Facebook stalking. I call it scooping out the scenery or scoping out the competition.

Every girl does this. There's a guy that we're interested in....and....we ALWAYS look up THE ex.  We then sit there and compare ourselves to her.  (Are we prettier than her? Is she skinnier? What does she do for a living? How much money does she make? How big are her boobs? What color is her hair?) Most girls act like they are better than the ex, but I'm not like that unfortunately.

I may see something about myself that I think is better than her, but usually that doesn't work.  Because most times the ex still has the power over him.  I could be prettier, younger, funnier, with a cooler and better job, and not be a gold diggin' biatch, and yet I won't win.

I even compare myself to girls I don't know.  When I was in Milwaukee a couple of weeks ago for my birthday, my friend Melissa was telling me these stories about the girlfriends of her fiancés buddies.  They all sounded like bitches with the personality of a wet wash cloth and dead fishes in bed. Yet, these chicks had boyfriends hanging on their every word. Then there's me...who is funny, not a total bitch with the "skills"...aaaaannnnndddd NOTHING!

I compare all the time.  Sometimes I tell myself that I'm better, but a lot of times I tell myself that I'm not. Why do I do it?  How do I/you stop it? Can you ever stop it?  I know I shouldn't compare are myself, but it is something I've done since I was in elementary school.

BEING HUNG UP ON YOUR EX

I think everyone has someone that they are or were hung up on. Usually it's an ex. Sometimes it's someone that was a little more temporary, but for some reason you can't let them go. My theory is that we tend to be hung up on people that aren't good for us.

I've been guilty of being hung up on someone.  For the longest time I was hung up on Mr. Dallas.  Some may say I'm still hung up on him however, I disagree.  I think I was hung up on the feeling that the relationship gave me.  There were so many things that he did that made me feel special, appreciated, and loved.  I was just hoping that that wouldn't be the last time I felt it.

In the last several years I've met more and more guys that "seem" to be hung up on exes.  Since I can be a little cynical about "real" male feelings, I'm not totally sure how hung up they are, but whatever it is, they're too afraid to move forward with their lives.

I can understand that.  I was so hurt after my breakup with Mr. Dallas that I was paralyzed with fear.  Although, I felt as though I kept a pretty open mind that I may find someone again.  Then again, I'm still single and have my guard up a bit...or a lot depending on who you talk to.

OK...going back to the wounded boys. Who are these these women that hold their nuts hearts in their hands? Again, it's probably someone that isn't the right person for them, but for some reason these women have the power.  I don't get it.  I mean, I'd get it if these women had the cure to cancer, helped people, walked old ladies across the street...then I might understand.  However, all I hear is how they're money hungry, selfish, narcissistic,  bitchy, and sometimes lame in bed.  REALLY??? At least the guy I was hung up on sweet, affectionate, and liked to get it on!!!

Why do we let people hold onto our hearts when they don't want them? They aren't in our present for a reason.  Yet, we let them hold on to our future because we're scared, we're hurt, and we let them.

ARE YOU A NEXT STEPPER?

A friend of mine told me a story about this couple that has been talking about getting married. The couple has been though their ups and downs, but recently bought a house together despite not even being engaged.  The guy said that now that they have a house together that the "next step" is to get married.

That for some reason sat so wrong with me. I immediately chimed in with, "Wow so he's a next stepper!" My friend said, "I don't get it. What's that mean?"

I told her that basically it's not a matter if he really loves or thinks they're meant to be, but more of a matter that they've been together this long and are here at this point that they should just go with the next step and get married.

I just thought how I never wanted a man to think that way about me. I never want a man to marry me because he thinks that's the next step since we made it this far.

That might sound weird to some and some people might take offense or wonder what the big deal is, but I got married because I thought that was the next step and I was wrong.

I remember thinking that since we were dating for a few years and since he didn't beat me or anything that we should get married. Not realizing that we probably weren't really a match, but more of a couple that was together it wasn't bad enough.

As much as I'd love to find someone and make a life with them, I don't want to do it with someone that isn't a good match for me or I'm not a good match for him. I don't want the only reason we're together is because it's comfortable or convenient. And certainly not because it's the next step.

It has to be and feel right.

HOW DO YOU EVER FIND SOMEONE?

There's billions of people in the world.  There's millions of people here in Houston.  So with all the people out there how do yo ever find anyone that is the one for you?

As my birthday hits next week, I think back to my last serious relationship.  It ended right before my 30th birthday.  When I got the "dump speech" he made sure to tell me that I'd have no problem finding another guy. I think the moment those words came out of his mouth he jinxed me.  Since then, I've had a hard time finding someone that makes me feel anything.

When I look back, I never would've guessed that I would have this hard of a time finding someone.  Considering how easy some people make it look. Jumping from one relationship to the next. 

Sometimes when I think about where I maybe in 5 years and the possibility of still being single, I envision people asking me, "How come you're still single? How have you NEVER really dated anyone?" I imagine that my answer would be the same as if I were to give it right now.  'I'm single because it just never happened for me. I never met someone that I liked that ever really liked me back.'

I've lived here in Houston 3 years now and haven't dated anyone more than 2 months maybe 3. And that was when I first moved here.  Flash forward....and sitting still.

I meet people all the time because of work.  I go about and live my life. I hang out with my friends for dinners, drinks or brunch on a weekly basis. Yet, I rarely met anyone that I'm interested in. 

You always hear stories about fate bringing people together by a chance meeting.  Like the couple that met on a flight or at the airport. Or in line at the grocery store. I always end up sitting on the plane next to the fat guy taking half of my seat and in line behind the 80 year-old woman writing a check.  I just don't understand how I can meet someone.

Most times when I go on a date with someone or meet someone for the first time, I have the "ehh" feeling.  You know...the feeling that if I didn't go out with them again it wouldn't make a difference.  The feeling where I'm sitting across the table from a guy having awkward conversation thinking about am I even attracted to them at all.

I'd love to meet someone and feel the butterflies. You know...the za za zoo! Someone I have an instant connection with and have that feeling be mutual.  I want to meet someone where it just comes with ease to be in their company.  and someone I want to spend time with and have no problem putting them in my schedule.

How do you ever find that person? Is everyone better at it than I am? Or is everyone else looking at what's on paper vs. the feeling they get when they're with that person? 

In a world with so many people, why is it taking half of my life to find him?