I'm sure I've talked about this subject before, but in case I haven't...here it goes.
I was flipping
around TV and caught a bit of The Bachelor Pad finale. Blakeley, one of
contestants, said something that struck me. She comes across as a little rough
around the edges. She's tatted up and is a little bit of a tough talker. While
on the show she started dating a guy. A guy that thought she was gorgeous and
was happy to be with her despite her tough exterior.
Even though I
wanted to puke while watching her get emotional over finding this great guy, I
couldn't help feel for her in a way. Here's a girl that comes off tough,
but still found a guy that loves her. In fact, he popped the question on
the show! Now will it work out?? In today's day and age it's tough, but I did
appreciate that she found someone. (Although I don't believe for a second that
she's ever had a shortage of boyfriends)
The part that
stuck out for me is when she said thought it was all too good to be true.
Through her tears she admitted that she didn't know what she did to deserve
someone like Tony. She went on to say that he
lets her be herself and can let her guard down.
Even though I kind
of wanted to barf, I knew how she felt. I've never been in a relationship
where I could be myself. To be honest, it doesn't even get to that point
most of the time. Every time I go out with a guy I'm paralyzed with fear to by
myself.
After years of
being myself without any success with relationships I thought maybe I need to
tone myself down. So now when I actually do have a date I try to be a
very vanilla and non-offending version that they might like. The only
problem is I then get anxiety because I become afraid that once the guy finds
out that I'm sassy and tell dirty jokes that they will run for the hills and
change their mind about me.
The only guys that
have seen "Erin" in her true form are my guy friends from Milwaukee
or guys that I work with at the station. I've noticed that I'm totally
myself around people at work, my friends (both guys and girls), and random people I
meet. I'm myself around pretty much everyone except guys
that I'm trying to date. I'm so scared that I won't be good enough or
that I'll be too much for them to handle that I tense up.
I had a Jamba
juice date with a guy recently and a guy at work asked me how it went.
When I told it that it went well, he responded back with, "Don't
worry! You'll have another chance to scare him off." And you know what;
I think I did just that. Although, I'm not sure what I did. And trust me, I
analyzed everything I said, did, and how I acted. To be honest,
there's not one specific moment that I remember pissing my chances down my
shorts.
I know some people
are going to say, "Erin, don't change yourself to please others. There's
someone out there that can handle all that you are." Yada yada yada...blah
blah blah. I get that and I get that I maybe an acquired taste, but COME ON! I
can't be that bad!! Or am I? They say you should be true to yourself, but what if the real you is the reason why they don't stay?
2 comments:
You should ask these guy friends what they think of dating a girl with your type of personality. Obviously you and people in your life know you, but strictly going from your blog entry, your real personality sounds like a girl who's just one of the guys.
The reality is that most men are attracted to feminine type of women as long term partners. It doesn't mean she can't make some crude jokes or anything, but if she's constantly being vulgar and spewing out locker room jokes, it's sort of a turnoff. Ask yourself this. Do you prefer to date guys whose real/true personalities are masculine or guys who tend to be less manly? Most women probably prefer the masculine types similar to most men preferring the feminine type of lady. If your real personality is different, then you'll probably have to search harder to find someone or learn to compromise more if you want a long term companion.
Being myself around guys has always been hard. I'm always so afraid that my "real" self will be a turn off, so I become the girl that I think a guy wants me to be.
I know that I should not change who I am for anyone and I try not to. I still have hope that there is someone out there for me and that I will find him one day!
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