I'm sure I've talked about this subject before, but in case I haven't...here it goes.
I was flipping around TV and caught a bit of The Bachelor Pad finale. Blakeley, one of contestants, said something that struck me. She comes across as a little rough around the edges. She's tatted up and is a little bit of a tough talker. While on the show she started dating a guy. A guy that thought she was gorgeous and was happy to be with her despite her tough exterior.
Even though I wanted to puke while watching her get emotional over finding this great guy, I couldn't help feel for her in a way. Here's a girl that comes off tough, but still found a guy that loves her. In fact, he popped the question on the show! Now will it work out?? In today's day and age it's tough, but I did appreciate that she found someone. (Although I don't believe for a second that she's ever had a shortage of boyfriends)
The part that stuck out for me is when she said thought it was all too good to be true. Through her tears she admitted that she didn't know what she did to deserve someone like Tony. She went on to say that he lets her be herself and can let her guard down.
Even though I kind of wanted to barf, I knew how she felt. I've never been in a relationship where I could be myself. To be honest, it doesn't even get to that point most of the time. Every time I go out with a guy I'm paralyzed with fear to by myself.
After years of being myself without any success with relationships I thought maybe I need to tone myself down. So now when I actually do have a date I try to be a very vanilla and non-offending version that they might like. The only problem is I then get anxiety because I become afraid that once the guy finds out that I'm sassy and tell dirty jokes that they will run for the hills and change their mind about me.
The only guys that have seen "Erin" in her true form are my guy friends from Milwaukee or guys that I work with at the station. I've noticed that I'm totally myself around people at work, my friends (both guys and girls), and random people I meet. I'm myself around pretty much everyone except guys that I'm trying to date. I'm so scared that I won't be good enough or that I'll be too much for them to handle that I tense up.
I had a Jamba juice date with a guy recently and a guy at work asked me how it went. When I told it that it went well, he responded back with, "Don't worry! You'll have another chance to scare him off." And you know what; I think I did just that. Although, I'm not sure what I did. And trust me, I analyzed everything I said, did, and how I acted. To be honest, there's not one specific moment that I remember pissing my chances down my shorts.
I know some people are going to say, "Erin, don't change yourself to please others. There's someone out there that can handle all that you are." Yada yada yada...blah blah blah. I get that and I get that I maybe an acquired taste, but COME ON! I can't be that bad!! Or am I? They say you should be true to yourself, but what if the real you is the reason why they don't stay?