In a past blog and podcast, I mentioned the guy that had broken things off with me after I lost my job. I actually talked to him the other day. Once again it was a good conversation. It was one where I thought about how that was one of the things I liked about what we had going on. He mentioned that he had gone to a friend's child's birthday party. It was a friend that I had met and actually, we had a mutual friend in common. He told me that the friend asked about me and of course I had to know what they asked about and what they said. He told me how they asked what happened to me and why we weren't dating anymore. Apparently, he told them that I needed to find myself or whatever. Then they asked why. He told them that I lost my job and I needed to figure out who I am. Needless to say, they gave him shit! They were like, "Dude you broke up with her because she lost her job?" Of course, I'm sure he did some back peddling and justified his reasons. However, it got me thinking...Did he do me a favor or was that a jerk move? Or is it both? Or was it neither?
I thought about one of the reasons that he gave and it just doesn't make sense to me. Maybe I'm some sort of dimwit, but I can't wrap my head around it. However, maybe it'll make sense to you. So one of the things he said was that I needed to find my identity and I needed to do that without him in the picture. He said didn't want me to find my identity by being in a relationship. While on the surface that answer kinda makes sense, it honestly has me baffled.
I know some women have lost their identity or their identity has morphed into something else over the years. For instance, my best friend who was a TV reporter and anchor got married and had a child. When she got married she switched careers and got into public relations. Shortly thereafter she and her husband welcomed a precious baby boy. As months went by they discovered that their child wasn't hitting milestones and something seemed off.
Turns out their sweet little guy had a rare mitochondrial disease. It's so rare that he may be the only person with his set of issues. Needless to say, a tough road was ahead for them. My friend ended up quitting her job to stay home and tend to their child. It was grueling for her. Countless sleepless nights, and endless doctor appointments, not to mention all the bumps in the road along the way. She was in a tough spot. One day, she told her husband that she wanted to go back to work. She said she needed to have her own identity, besides being his wife and their child's mom. She wanted to be her own person. I totally understood what she was wanting. That made sense to me.
So what doesn't make sense to me is that was the reason for him. How would I find my identity being in a relationship with him? What does that even mean? I'm not sure if he thought that if we stayed dating that I might not take certain job opportunities because I was too worried about him and us? Although, he said if we're still dating and I took a job somewhere else that he would figure it out. So now I'm scratching my head even more. Like did he think that I wanted a relationship so bad that I would just throw my career out the window for him? That's not how I saw myself.
While I am a girl that would love to have finally found my person, I'm not so desperate for a relationship. I mean for the love of God, I've been divorced since 2006! If I really wanted to get married, I think I would've by now. I'm not so co-dependent that I need to have someone in my life. I've lived more of my life alone and single than all of my relationships combined. However, I'm not willing to settle for just anyone or anything. I'm also not looking for perfection because that's unrealistic and doesn't exist. I'm looking for someone that gets me, that appreciates me, that will let Erin be Erin and love her for all that is she and what she isn't. That's what I want. I want my better half. Oh...and good in bed! Did I mention I want them to think I'm an awesome catch? Cuz let's be honest...I am! Even without a job...I'm a fucking awesome catch!
After he told me that story I said to him that I was glad he told me that. He said, "Well I'm glad I could make your day." I told him it didn't necessarily make my day, but I'm glad to know that his friends had my back. I went on to say, "You do know that was kind of a shitty thing you did...and what's sad is you did it to a good girl. A really good girl!" While he agreed, he also stood by his decision.
I know someone reading this or listening to the podcast will have something to say. I can hear it now. So let's start off with the tough comments. "Erin, this sounds like a copout!" "Erin that sounds like it was just an excuse." "Erin he was doing you a favor." "Erin, it's better you find out now when times are tough then later on down the road." "Erin, if he really liked you he would still be dating you." "Erin, he just wasn't that into you." All of those statements I've heard. All of them hurt. Some people probably think some it will help or make me feel better, but the sensitive girl in me is well...sensitive. Then I thought, "Well...maybe they're right." Maybe he really didn't like me enough, because if he did wouldn't he still be around. I mean, isn't that how it works? If someone likes you they make it work. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
As I often do, I think, re-think, overthink, oh wait...then I think some more. Being the girl that I am, I of course think was that really the reason or was there something else? Did my breath smell? Did he think I wasn't good in bed? (Who am I kidding? I know damn well that's not the reason!) Was he just not as interested as I thought? Maybe not...or maybe his logic is truly different than mine and there's something that he is thinking or sees that I don't quite get. Whatever it is, and whatever it is I don't understand, I'm sure at some point in the future it'll make sense. Maybe someday I'll be like..."Ohhhhh so that's why that happened the way it happened!"
I don't want to seem like I'm beating a dead horse, so I promise that this will be the last post and podcast about this topic and if he ever comes up again, it won't be about this topic. These are just the feels and thoughts that I have in my head. Also, I want to finish by saying I always believe the best in people, so while I don't think what he did was necessarily the nicest or best thing to do, I still believe he's a genuinely good guy with a good heart. ❤