WAS IT EASY FOR HIM?

I know this is a post I probably shouldn't write or record for my podcast, but I'm going to do it anyway because it's something that's been on my mind and I need to get it out.  So you might remember me talking about the guy I was seeing and him breaking things off with me right after I was let go.  If you don't know, well then let me remind you.

I had been dating a guy for about a month.   Things had been going really well and felt pretty good.  We had even talked about some small future stuff.   When I got let go from my job a few days later he broke things off with me.  He said that it was too much pressure for how early our relationship was and that I needed to figure out my career and what makes me happy. He said, "Radio isn't what you do, it's who you are."  He said I needed to focus on my future and not to include him in the equation.  While what he said made some sense, it hurt.  It still hurts.  And frankly, I feel dumb that it does.

I know we hadn't been dating very long, but I thought we had a good connection.  Finding someone you have a good connection with and someone you get along with isn't easy.  That's why so many people settle.  So with that being said,  that's why it still bums me out about him walking away.  I know some people will say, "Erin! Fuck that guy!" Or "Erin, you guys didn't even date that long...Get over it!"  However, it still sucks when you meet someone you like.  

This is the other part I hate.  I have found myself going back and evaluating our time together and find myself second-guessing stuff.  I've sat there and wondered, "Did he even really like me?" "Was he really being honest about why he was breaking things off with me?" "Was there something else that played a part in his decision?" "I wonder if he got back on dating apps already...Or if he's been going out on dates...Nevermind you don't want to know the answer to that."  I find myself having this inner dialogue with myself every now and then and I frickin hate it. Oh, the questions that have popped into my head that have dragged me down the wormhole. It's definitely one of those times where I wish I could shut off my brain.   

I think the part I've struggled with the most is when he broke things off with me, he didn't say that it was hard for him.  If he did, I don't remember it.  I guess I wish I knew that he was bummed like I was.  I wish I knew that he didn't really want to do it, but felt like he was helping me out.  I wish I knew that when he walked away, that it wasn't easy for him, and wishes it were different. There's a line in the Maddie and Tae song 'Die From a Broken Heart' that says, "To leave me so easy."  I just wish I knew it wasn't an easy decision for him.

My good guy friend, Dorian gave me a bit of a pep talk when I told him some of the questions I was asking myself.  He said, "No need to worry about that.  You come first and then you, after that you, and finally you."  He's right, I can't worry about that stuff.  Right now my number one priority is figuring out my next steps.  I need to figure out what I will do with my career and how I can make it happen.  The other stuff shouldn't be a concern.  I need to focus on Erin and what lies ahead of me.  Once I figure out my career stuff, then and only then should I even think about dating.

I don't want to sound pathetic for talking about this. I also don't want people to think I'm some obsessed chick or something.  I just wanted to put it out there that this has affected me. You see, despite me being this incredibly independent girl, I'm also the girl that deep down that wants nothing more than to be loved and accepted.  While I want to be successful and have a great career, I want to finally have that loving relationship.  I want my partner in life.  I want to that person that's just as into me as I'm into them.  Hey, what can I say?  I've always been the girl that wears my heart on sleeve.  That's why I have this blog and my podcast so that I can put my feelings out there.