I'M AT A CROSSROADS

I've come to an interesting spot with my blog and newly launched podcast.  While I've only had the podcast going maybe a month with 10 episodes, I've received some great feedback and some not so great feedback.  I've had several girls tell how much they like it with one even telling me that she thinks I should look into being the new co-host for the "Call Her Daddy" Podcast.  * Then I looked into that podcast because I never really researched other podcasts before and let me just say OMG!  So they are connected with Barstool Sports.  When I googled them I found their videos on YouTube.  Here is the host, this gorgeous young blonde named Alex.  She appears to be reading a letter or something from a girl talking about her boyfriend and her having sex.  Then Alex goes on to read that this girl got up to get an after towel for her boyfriend and instead goes back and licks it up.  I watched and listened with excitement and horror at the same time.  Here were these two girls talking about some pretty nasty stuff and while part of me was like "Holy crap these chicks are getting nasty!"  The other part of me was like, "Yessss!  These chicks are getting nasty!"  

What's even more interesting to me was my girlfriend that has a great job in TV was the one that knew about this podcast and thought I'd be a fit for it!  

So then let's go to the not so great comments.  Well, I can tell you one person that's not really a fan of the podcast is the guy that I talked about in the last episode.  Needless to say, he wasn't too happy.  For the record, I wasn't trying to make him mad, hurt his feelings, make him look bad, or upset him; but clearly, I did because he let me know after he heard and said a few things that felt like he was trying to hurt my feelings.  In any event, let's move on to the other comments and thoughts I received. 

I had a couple girlfriends tell me they weren't the biggest fans of the podcast.  They both had several points that were similar.  One friend was a little harsher than the other, but both were pretty much saying the same thing.  I thought we should go over a couple of those points and discuss them.  Also, keep in mind both of the friends that had the criticism, did so unsolicited.  

1.  Both mentioned the direction of my podcast.   Now starting off this podcast I was talking about me losing my job and my mental state.  It wasn't until the last couple of episodes did really focus on the relationship aspect.  The last episode was probably the most about relationships.  So both of these friends knew me back when I started my blog.  Much of that blog was revolved around my dating life and my thoughts and observations surrounding it.  Both of them were telling me that I should go a different direction with my podcast.  One said that my blog/podcast talking about sex and relationships wasn't a "good look for me." While the other friend said I essentially had a man-hating podcast.  

So how do I feel about what they said?  Well...I was rather taken aback by their comments.  Especially, since both were very passionate and both unsolicited.  That being said,  I didn't really agree with the notion that my podcast sounded like a man-bashing podcast.  Now, I'm sure the guy I spoke about probably felt picked on, but I felt I was rather fair to him.  I just said that I felt like it was a jerk move not that he was a jerk or asshole.  In fact, I ended it with a compliment. So there.  

2. Both mentioned that it would make it harder for me to find a job.  One friend said that an employer would "cringe" at it.  while the other said, "your podcast is not going to do your future career any favors."   

Alright, this one I'm torn about.  I have felt at many points in my career as though I haven't able to express myself and truly be "Erin."  So having my blog and now podcast, I have felt that this is where I can be myself.  Granted, I'm still not unleashing all I could at this point, but it's a start.  Now as far as me having a hard time getting a job...I think that's a bit up for interpretation.   I mean, I'm not trying to get a job as a school teacher or something.  And maybe the one friend is right, maybe this would make it harder for me to get into TV, but at the same time, I'm not looking to be the anchor of ABC News.  If I did TV, it would be light and fluffy stuff, you know more personality-driven and opinion-driven.  As for radio, well I think that would depend on the station format and the person in charge.  

3. Both mentioned the dude I referenced.  Now both of them that several things about this.  They didn't understand why I let it/him bother so much.  Both mentioned how this guy essentially was a flash in the pan in my grand scheme of life. Ok...true.  Both friends thought that I shouldn't have called him out.   In fact, one friend said she's probably given a fake excuse every time she broke up with a guy.   Maybe the other said it made me look like a psycho.  

Where do I start with this one? Let's start with calling him out.  While these 2 friends thought it was a bad idea, I had plenty of others that totally thought I should've done it.  I even had one friend tell me that I should do another podcast talking about the things he said to me afterward.  Now, she is a hardcore bitch and is a girl that if you do one thing wrong...one time...you are DONE!  So for her, that guy would've probably been out the first time he didn't keep his word.  She doesn't mess around. Me on the other hand, I'm probably overly forgiving and give too many chances.  Now as for me looking psycho?  Well if it that's the definition these days then whatever.  I'm pretty sure that I could be so much worse.  And clearly, I'm not psycho...so we need to stop throwing that word around so carelessly.  

After getting both of those harsh reviews,  I seriously questioned myself.  Here I was thinking that I was starting to get a groove going, and then I get that.  It got in my head.  It made me feel like I have no idea what I'm doing anymore and I should just give up.  It made me feel like rethink everything.  It also made me feel like I wasn't talented and was wasting my time.  

And you know what's sad is that I let those 2 unfavorable critiques outweigh all of the other favorable comments. I had dozens of comments and compliments from women that loved it and can't wait for more.  Yet somehow I let the negative stick inside my head.  Isn't that funny?  However, it's always easier to criticize than it is to compliment.   While those 2 friends comments stung a little, I also took into account where they are in their lives vs me and who would listen to the podcast.  Both girls are married with children living the suburban life.  They also have their hands full with kids stuff, so I'm sure to them my dating life and single girl woes are something they can't even being to fathom...and thankfully they don't have to because it's not a pretty world out there. 

So what do I do moving forward?   While I'm not dating anyone or anytime soon, I do enjoy talking about that stuff.  Even if it's not my dating stories.  I love dissecting people's behavior and why people do what they do.  That's something I've always tried to figure out.  I will say this though,  this podcast and blog will have a variety of topics...dating will just be one of them.  

WAS HE DOING ME A FAVOR OR WAS THAT A JERK MOVE?

In a past blog and podcast, I mentioned the guy that had broken things off with me after I lost my job.   I actually talked to him the other day.  Once again it was a good conversation.  It was one where I thought about how that was one of the things I liked about what we had going on.  He mentioned that he had gone to a friend's child's birthday party.  It was a friend that I had met and actually, we had a mutual friend in common.  He told me that the friend asked about me and of course I had to know what they asked about and what they said.  He told me how they asked what happened to me and why we weren't dating anymore.   Apparently, he told them that I needed to find myself or whatever.  Then they asked why.  He told them that I lost my job and I needed to figure out who I am.  Needless to say, they gave him shit!  They were like, "Dude you broke up with her because she lost her job?"  Of course, I'm sure he did some back peddling and justified his reasons.   However, it got me thinking...Did he do me a favor or was that a jerk move?  Or is it both? Or was it neither?

I thought about one of the reasons that he gave and it just doesn't make sense to me.   Maybe I'm some sort of dimwit, but I can't wrap my head around it.  However, maybe it'll make sense to you.  So one of the things he said was that I needed to find my identity and I needed to do that without him in the picture.   He said didn't want me to find my identity by being in a relationship.  While on the surface that answer kinda makes sense, it honestly has me baffled.   

I know some women have lost their identity or their identity has morphed into something else over the years.  For instance, my best friend who was a TV reporter and anchor got married and had a child.  When she got married she switched careers and got into public relations.  Shortly thereafter she and her husband welcomed a precious baby boy.   As months went by they discovered that their child wasn't hitting milestones and something seemed off.  

Turns out their sweet little guy had a rare mitochondrial disease.  It's so rare that he may be the only person with his set of issues.  Needless to say, a tough road was ahead for them.  My friend ended up quitting her job to stay home and tend to their child.  It was grueling for her.   Countless sleepless nights, and endless doctor appointments, not to mention all the bumps in the road along the way.   She was in a tough spot.  One day, she told her husband that she wanted to go back to work.  She said she needed to have her own identity, besides being his wife and their child's mom.  She wanted to be her own person.  I totally understood what she was wanting.   That made sense to me.

So what doesn't make sense to me is that was the reason for him. How would I find my identity being in a relationship with him?  What does that even mean? I'm not sure if he thought that if we stayed dating that I might not take certain job opportunities because I was too worried about him and us?  Although, he said if we're still dating and I took a job somewhere else that he would figure it out.   So now I'm scratching my head even more.  Like did he think that I wanted a relationship so bad that I would just throw my career out the window for him?  That's not how I saw myself.  

While I am a girl that would love to have finally found my person, I'm not so desperate for a relationship.  I mean for the love of God, I've been divorced since 2006!  If I really wanted to get married, I think I would've by now.  I'm not so co-dependent that I need to have someone in my life.  I've lived more of my life alone and single than all of my relationships combined.   However,  I'm not willing to settle for just anyone or anything.  I'm also not looking for perfection because that's unrealistic and doesn't exist.  I'm looking for someone that gets me, that appreciates me, that will let Erin be Erin and love her for all that is she and what she isn't.  That's what I want.  I want my better half. Oh...and good in bed!  Did I mention I want them to think I'm an awesome catch?  Cuz let's be honest...I am!  Even without a job...I'm a fucking awesome catch!

After he told me that story I said to him that I was glad he told me that.  He said, "Well I'm glad I could make your day."  I told him it didn't necessarily make my day, but I'm glad to know that his friends had my back.  I went on to say, "You do know that was kind of a shitty thing you did...and what's sad is you did it to a good girl.  A really good girl!" While he agreed, he also stood by his decision.  

I know someone reading this or listening to the podcast will have something to say.  I can hear it now.  So let's start off with the tough comments. "Erin, this sounds like a copout!"  "Erin that sounds like it was just an excuse." "Erin he was doing you a favor." "Erin, it's better you find out now when times are tough then later on down the road."  "Erin, if he really liked you he would still be dating you."  "Erin, he just wasn't that into you."  All of those statements I've heard.  All of them hurt.  Some people probably think some it will help or make me feel better, but the sensitive girl in me is well...sensitive.  Then I thought, "Well...maybe they're right."  Maybe he really didn't like me enough, because if he did wouldn't he still be around. I mean, isn't that how it works?  If someone likes you they make it work.  Isn't that how it's supposed to be?  

As I often do, I think, re-think, overthink, oh wait...then I think some more.   Being the girl that I am, I of course think was that really the reason or was there something else?  Did my breath smell?  Did he think I wasn't good in bed?  (Who am I kidding?  I know damn well that's not the reason!) Was he just not as interested as I thought? Maybe not...or maybe his logic is truly different than mine and there's something that he is thinking or sees that I don't quite get.  Whatever it is, and whatever it is I don't understand, I'm sure at some point in the future it'll make sense.   Maybe someday I'll be like..."Ohhhhh so that's why that happened the way it happened!"  

I don't want to seem like I'm beating a dead horse, so I promise that this will be the last post and podcast about this topic and if he ever comes up again, it won't be about this topic.  These are just the feels and thoughts that I have in my head.  Also, I want to finish by saying I always believe the best in people, so while I don't think what he did was necessarily the nicest or best thing to do, I still believe he's a genuinely good guy with a good heart.  ❤

WHAT IS THE RIGHT PATH AND HOW WILL I KNOW?

Here I sit in my office upstairs at my house.  I sit here writing this blog, recording my podcast, and looking out the window.  Most days I come up here and sit in my rather worn-out office chair and start my day by trying to get a plan together; a plan for my day and a plan for my life.  Sometimes when I sit here, I come up with a list of things that I should do.  Some of the tasks are big ones, like reworking my resume for a job outside of radio.  Some tasks are small, like calling my mortgage company to let them know of my situation.  Every day is different, yet every day is the same.

For the last couple of years, I would have a reoccurring conversation with God and the universe.  Every so often I would ask God and the universe what was going to happen with my life? Was this is all my career was ever going to be?  And of course, I wanted to know Will I ever find "my person?"  I would have this conversation in the shower, sometimes while I was going to the bathroom and sitting on the toilet.  Sometimes I would have that onesided conversation with God while I was in my car sitting in traffic.  Every time I had this conversation with God, I never really heard anything back or got any answers.  

 

It wasn't until losing my job that I got at least part of one of my answers.  Granted, I still have no earthly idea what this all means, but one thing is for sure...change is here.  A fellow radio gal, Juliet gave me a nugget of wisdom right when I was let go, she said, "I believe when this stuff happens, it's a course correction.  It's God or the universe saying you're no longer on the right path for your highest good.  So it forces you to change direction."  Ironically, my former co-worker, Dorian said to me the other day,  "Erin you were wanting something to change and now it did." 

So what is the right path? 

It's Worth the Wait

You may not see anything changing, but something is happening; patience is working. Your spiritual muscles are getting stronger; you’re growing, developing. Patience is building you, getting you prepared so you can sustain what God has coming. Don’t discount the waiting period. Don’t get discouraged because it’s not happening as fast as you'd like. The longer it takes, that means the more God has in store. When it’s your time, when God knows you’re ready, what you give birth to is going to be much bigger than you think. Click here to watch or listen to, "It's Worth the Wait": Video: YouTube.com/JoelOsteen Audio: https://bit.ly/JOAPodcast

Posted by Joel Osteen on Tuesday, October 13, 2020

I'm not gonna lie, I had a freakout moment the other morning.  As I sat here at my desk, I went through the radio news from the night before.  Seeing the news of people getting this job or that job.  Positions that had recently popped up, but were already taken by someone else.  Some of the positions seemed to be magically created for that person.  After reading this stuff I suddenly had a feeling come over me.   It was a feeling of fear.   Imagine, you're out walking through the woods.  You've been gone for a while and who knows how long you've actually been gone and how far you've walked.  You keep going and going until you realize it's starting to get dark.  You turn around to go back and then realize you're lost.  What do you do?  You could walk back, but surely you couldn't retrace all of your steps.   You can't really call for help because you have no cell signal.  So maybe you start to walk back for a bit until you start to panic because now you realize you were so in the moment walking, that you forget to realize your moment of opportunity to go back.  That's how I felt. 

I felt as though maybe I waited too long for my opportunity to come.  Maybe I hadn't done enough to make it happen.  Now that I had been where I was for so long, maybe no one knew where I was anymore.  Maybe everyone forgot about me and when it came time to look for people, I wasn't the person they'd think of anymore.  Like being lost in the woods and people didn't know where to find me. I feared that all of the time I sat being still, was actually opportunities that I was being passed up on.  

So there I sit panicking about how much of my life has gone by and what lies ahead.  Wondering what if any opportunities for me will lie out there.  I also panicked because I felt lost in the sense of what path should I focus on.   Should I focus on finding that next radio job?  Do I focus on getting out of the business and doing something else?  Or do I focus on what several people have suggested to me, and stepping out on my own and becoming my own boss, so to speak.  

While God and the universe made it obvious that what I was doing wasn't for me anymore, how do I know what is meant for me?  That's my latest question now to God.  How will I know what path to choose?   Will it be obvious?  

People have said it'll all work out and I'll find something amazing.  I just wish I knew I'd find it.  I also wish I knew if there was something that I'm not doing that I should be doing.  That's where the feeling of being lost and overwhelmed comes from.   

I was talking with Nick my former co-worker and current "Country Not Country" podcast co-host, and he was listening to me have my mini freak out.  He said that it will work out and that I maybe should ask God instead of what's next for me, maybe I need to ask, "What is the purpose of me having all this time on my hands?  Maybe you're supposed to start that travel blog and you need to start with a cross Texas trip with the dogs."  Maybe God has given me this "free" time for a reason, so what should I do with it?  I don't want to think that I'm supposed to sit here, look for a job, and worry.   There's got to be a reason all of this is happening to me.   There's got to be a reason for my entire slate to have been wiped clean.  

So what is it and how will I know what I should do?  I don't want to come off sounding so confused, but this is an incredibly difficult spot for me.   This kind of situation often makes people or breaks them.  I want to believe it'll make me.  I just wish God would give me a bit of clarity.  Let's be honest,  it's been 11 years since I needed to get another job and probably the first time where I didn't have a job at all since I was about 14 years old.  Even if I was working part-time while I was married eons ago, I still had a job.  Being without a job and not having much to choose from is enough to make anyone's blood pressure go up.  Let alone, having a feeling of being lost.

This may sound crazy to some people, but I want it to be like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ.  Instead of Dorothy being worried about how she'll get back to Kansas while walking through the forest scared about lions, tigers, and bears...Oh my!  I want to be the Dorothy that is on the yellow brick road.  I want to be the Dorothy that knows what is the right path to take and sees the Emerald city ahead in the distance.  I want to be the Dorothy that knows what the destination is.  However, I know that's not really how life works.  Life gives you surprises.  Life has the twists and turns that you don't see coming...both good and bad.   Life doesn't give you a heads up on what is going to happen next.  It just happens.  

So now I need to somehow figure out a couple of things.  1.  What should I do with all this downtime?  2.  What is my career path moving forward?   The whole finding "my person" question will have to wait for another day.  

IS THIS MY MID-LIFE CRISIS?

The other day I had a conversation with the guy that I talked about in my last blog and podcast.  He wanted to clear some things up that I talked about in the podcast and communicate what he was thinking.  Overall it was a good conversation.  There were a few things that I walked away thinking about and ended up having more questions, not necessarily for him, but in general.  

One of the things he said was he could tell when we got together that I was somewhat bored with my job and that at times he thought I seemed a little scattered and that I was looking for things that made me happy and because of that he felt like I was having a bit of an identity crisis.   Now that I've lost my job it was like I'm having a bit of a mid-life crisis.  So from what I remember of our discussion he made it seem like that's why he broke things off...I guess.  So like they say on Shark Tank, "For those reasons I'm out!"  By the way,  I still think that another reason is that there's a lot that's fallen on to his plate and it was easier to remove me because we hadn't dated long versus sticking it out. 

After we got off the phone, I did feel better, but I also felt like me going through this big transition period was the reason I'm not able to have a relationship.  Like there was part of me that kinda felt like it was my fault even though I know that's not true.   Like somehow because I didn't have it all figured out and had a plan together of what I'm going to do, that I'm less desirable or less worthy of dating.  Which is ridiculous I know.

So with that being said, let's go over some of those things that stuck out to me.

1. Mid-life Crisis - Well statistically he would be correct.  Since I'm over the age of 40 and the life expectancy of a woman in the United States is about 84 years old, then by all accounts, he would be right saying I'm having a midlife crisis.  Ironically, when I had my horoscope chart read after getting let go, the astrologer Mary said something about me going through a bit of a mid-life crisis right now because of my career.  

2. Being Scattered - Maybe I am a little. I think I can be a little scattered when it comes to my thoughts and conversation.  Although, I think that's because of my A.D.D.  So I could be a lot worse...TRUST ME!  My last boyfriend I felt was really scattered.  When we started dating he didn't want to get married or have kids, then a few months later he did.  Then he wanted to buy a house.  Wait, no he wanted to rent.  No...now he was going to move out of town.  Oh hold up...he's staying and now he's buying a house again.  Geez, Louise...then he bought the house, furnished it, and then thought of renting it out to save money.  Did I mentions he cheanged his diet about 3-4 times while we dated?  That my friends...is scattered!  Considering I've had the same career for the past 20 years, the same job for the past 11 years, I've lived in the same house and driven the same car for 8 years, I think my level of scatteredness is a level 3 out of 10 with 10 being you're getting whiplash from the person being all over the place.  

If anything, I'd say I'm more spontaneous and go with the flow.  Maybe those are things that he's not used to in a girl.  I can't be for certain, but I'd venture to say that I'm probably, one of the most adventurous, spontaneous, fun, and easygoing girls he's been with.  In fact, from what I know, I'd put money on it.  

3. Searching For Things That Make Me Happy -  This one I don't totally disagree with, but I also think that he has a different perspective on this than I do.  What does every self-help book or life coach tell you to do?  They tell you to find out what makes you happy and do it.  Whether that's a job or a hobby, find the things that give you pleasure, joy, and fulfillment so you can live a happy life.  Isn't that what we're all trying to do right now?  Here we are, we're all in this fucked up time in the world, and we're all just trying to figure out how to let go of the worry and stress and be happy.  

I think the reason I have an issue with its being one of his points is that his perspective is different than mine because of where he's been in his life and what he does for a living.  Obviously, I've been in radio all of my adult life.  So when I'd go out and meet new people or go on dates, one of the questions is "What are your hobbies or what do you like to do for fun?"  For a long time, I never really had much of an answer for that question which always made me feel like I was missing something.  Sure, I love to travel and that can be considered a hobby, but that's not something I can do all of the time.  Also, for a lot of people in radio, this is our hobby.  People in radio or TV are getting to do their hobby everyday for work, so outside of that sometimes we don't have a ton of interests.  

So then take the guy I dated for example, he has a great career where he does well for himself.  He's very smart and went to school for years to get where he is in life.  Now, if you were to talk to him about his career and ask him why he chose it, he'd tell you that he chose that line of work because he knew it would make good money.  He didn't choose it because he was passionate about it.  He didn't choose it because it sounded fun.  He chose it because it was steady, it was good money, and it was a career path with plenty of options.  So for him, he must have other things outside of work that make him happy otherwise he'd get bored or lost.  I get that.  And he does.   He likes to work out, he likes to watch certain sports and even likes practice certain sports.  He likes to travel. Now, he's even working in a side business that can be seen as a hobby or passion project.  He has found those things because he knew he kind of had to.  

4.  Identity Crisis - This one os a little tricky for me because like I've said before when it comes to my career, radio was something that I've wanted to do since I was a little kid.  My obsession became my profession.  Besides a few jobs I had in high school and college, radio and TV has been all I've ever done.  So when I lost my job, of course I'm going to question who I am.  For the last 20 years I was Erin Austin the radio girl, Now I'm Erin Austin the former radio girl, or just Erin Austin.  And who is that girl now?  I'm trying to figure that out.  Will she again be Erin Austin the radio girl, the TV girl, the podcast girl, the blogger, girl, or does she become something outside of those things and find a place in marketing or PR?  I don't know.

After I got off the phone with him (the guy that broke things off with me) I feel like he should have a nickname for the sake of this blog.  I called my friend Corey who also lost this job in radio recently.  I asked him, "Am I having a mid-life crisis?  Is it bad that I don't have a plan together right now and don't know what my next step is?  He of course asked me whay I was asking this and I told him the story.  He said, "we're all going through that right now.  There are hundreds if not thousounds of people in our industry that are trying to figure it out and decide what their next step is.  It's not even just people in our industry.  There are millions of people in the country that have lost their jobs and don't know what they're going to do.  So don't beat yourself up.  We're in a pandemic and this is probably one of the worst times in history to be looking for work.  I feel like people that aren't in radio don't really understand what it's like it's like when we lose a job.  They just get another one sometimes it's down the street, where we have very few jobs to chose from and more than likely we have to move."  I think he's right.  This career is one that's different than most other professions.  Professional sports is similar. TV is similar.  Which has always been so interesting to me how all those women TV anchors and reporters seem to have no problem finding a guy that will move with them where ever, yet I've never had a guy once actually consider moving with me if I got a job somewhere else.  I digress...

So what are my final thoughts.  Am I having a mid-life crisis? I guess it sort of is one.  It's definitely a time of rebuilding.  

Do I have a plan in place?  No. 

Do I know what I'll do next?  No.  

Do I have it all figured out?  No, and that's OK.  It's OK that I don't have it all figured out right now, and I shouldn't be so hard on myself that I don't, because none of us really do.  Nobody has it all figured out. 

What I do know is that I'll land on my feet.  I always have and always I will.  I'll take of myself just like I always have.  I'll get through this and if you want to be a art of my journey and support me in my time of need I more than welcome it.  

You never know what the future may hold. 

WAS IT EASY FOR HIM?

I know this is a post I probably shouldn't write or record for my podcast, but I'm going to do it anyway because it's something that's been on my mind and I need to get it out.  So you might remember me talking about the guy I was seeing and him breaking things off with me right after I was let go.  If you don't know, well then let me remind you.

I had been dating a guy for about a month.   Things had been going really well and felt pretty good.  We had even talked about some small future stuff.   When I got let go from my job a few days later he broke things off with me.  He said that it was too much pressure for how early our relationship was and that I needed to figure out my career and what makes me happy. He said, "Radio isn't what you do, it's who you are."  He said I needed to focus on my future and not to include him in the equation.  While what he said made some sense, it hurt.  It still hurts.  And frankly, I feel dumb that it does.

I know we hadn't been dating very long, but I thought we had a good connection.  Finding someone you have a good connection with and someone you get along with isn't easy.  That's why so many people settle.  So with that being said,  that's why it still bums me out about him walking away.  I know some people will say, "Erin! Fuck that guy!" Or "Erin, you guys didn't even date that long...Get over it!"  However, it still sucks when you meet someone you like.  

This is the other part I hate.  I have found myself going back and evaluating our time together and find myself second-guessing stuff.  I've sat there and wondered, "Did he even really like me?" "Was he really being honest about why he was breaking things off with me?" "Was there something else that played a part in his decision?" "I wonder if he got back on dating apps already...Or if he's been going out on dates...Nevermind you don't want to know the answer to that."  I find myself having this inner dialogue with myself every now and then and I frickin hate it. Oh, the questions that have popped into my head that have dragged me down the wormhole. It's definitely one of those times where I wish I could shut off my brain.   

I think the part I've struggled with the most is when he broke things off with me, he didn't say that it was hard for him.  If he did, I don't remember it.  I guess I wish I knew that he was bummed like I was.  I wish I knew that he didn't really want to do it, but felt like he was helping me out.  I wish I knew that when he walked away, that it wasn't easy for him, and wishes it were different. There's a line in the Maddie and Tae song 'Die From a Broken Heart' that says, "To leave me so easy."  I just wish I knew it wasn't an easy decision for him.

My good guy friend, Dorian gave me a bit of a pep talk when I told him some of the questions I was asking myself.  He said, "No need to worry about that.  You come first and then you, after that you, and finally you."  He's right, I can't worry about that stuff.  Right now my number one priority is figuring out my next steps.  I need to figure out what I will do with my career and how I can make it happen.  The other stuff shouldn't be a concern.  I need to focus on Erin and what lies ahead of me.  Once I figure out my career stuff, then and only then should I even think about dating.

I don't want to sound pathetic for talking about this. I also don't want people to think I'm some obsessed chick or something.  I just wanted to put it out there that this has affected me. You see, despite me being this incredibly independent girl, I'm also the girl that deep down that wants nothing more than to be loved and accepted.  While I want to be successful and have a great career, I want to finally have that loving relationship.  I want my partner in life.  I want to that person that's just as into me as I'm into them.  Hey, what can I say?  I've always been the girl that wears my heart on sleeve.  That's why I have this blog and my podcast so that I can put my feelings out there.  

DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE

                                     

Too comfortable...That's something I feel like I became over the last couple of years.  Not that my comfortability for my job became so ho-hum that every day I came into to work and just "mailed it in."  Even during this pandemic working from home, I still got up early, watched the news, took notes of things that were local to talk about in Houston as well as Portland, OR, but I also posted content on 2 radio stations websites and social media pages.  I sat at my desk in my home office pretty much every day like it was a normal non-COVID day.  Yeah, sometimes I made an appointment for myself during the day, but I still was trying to come up with real content that was non-passive throw-away breaks.  I made sure not to rush through my show, because I never wanted to be seen as someone that was slacking off or didn't take my job seriously.

Now let's talk about before the pandemic and how I felt.  There were definitely times where I felt underutilized. I felt unchallenged.  I felt unappreciated.  I felt unrecognized.  I sometimes felt invisible.  I felt pigeonholed.  And I felt stuck. You see, for a lot of the time that I worked at The Bull/KILT, I was told what I was or what I wasn't. "Erin, you're not a morning person." Or "Erin, you're a midday person, not someone that's an afternoon person." How do you think that made me feel?  After a while, what others say about you, you start to believe.  So I started to think that maybe that this was all there was for me and I was just a midday person.

I think getting moved around to the different dayparts is why I wasn't getting too comfortable at first. Typically in the past, about every 2 years I would get the itch.  The itch to expand my horizons, the itch to go further with my career goals, and the itch have Erin shine.  I can look back on some of the jobs I've had, and I would access the situation.  I would take inventory of my position and my workplace, and then I would look around to see who was there and determine what my growth potential was.  If I had that gut feeling that I wouldn't be able to move up, I got the itch for more.  I became restless.  

Once I came here to Houston and started getting moved around to different dayparts, I didn't get the itch, because the new position kept that itch at bay.  Honestly, there would be times I'd get disappointed. Sometimes it was because I was passed up for some opportunity, but I would squash that disappointment by telling myself, "Erin, you still have a job. Things could be worse. You're in market number 6. People would kill to be here. Stay positive. Maybe something else will pop up."  Unfortunately, nothing ever really popped up. So part of me decided to be happy with what I had and find other things that piqued my interest.  That's probably about the time that my love for traveling really got kicked into gear.  

For the next several years, I actually worked on becoming more comfortable, which was both good and bad. The good part was that I was trying to be happy with what I had and live in the moment more.  I was trying to see the positive in my situation.  I tried not to focus on my feeling of lack.  The bad part was that I stopped trying to go further.  Since I had pretty much been told no or was pigeonholed, I just kind of accepted it and became comfortable that I was just a midday person.  Sure, I had other responsibilities, but none that were showcasing my talent.  Don't get me wrong, I'd get a bone here and there, but those weren't always so plentiful.

I think the other part of becoming comfortable was coming from those around me.  So many of my former co-workers and I had such great ideas, but because of how things operated, those ideas never got to grow.  I mean, a lot of those ideas took time, money, thought, and then execution.  However, with the way that corporate radio is run, everyone is wearing 5 hats, they're not getting a raise for any of it, and then they're trying to make it through the day while praying to God they make it through another round of budget cuts. People's true talents and skills are often ignored or not cultivated because no one has time to deal with it.  

I had a couple of co-workers that are amazing at video editing and video production; were their talents ever really used?  No.  In fact, one was let go in one of the last rounds of the budget cuts, and it made no sense to me because I felt like he was totally underutilized.  He did 7 pm-Midnight on the air for us.  He came in to do his show, that's it.  He had no other responsibilities.  However, we could've got so much more out of him, had we just gave him some other duties.  We could've had him come in earlier in the day and produce web content, or produce videos for the station.  He would've been elated to have more to do, but instead, he was let go, when truly he would've been a good person to re-purpose.  

Another way I got too comfortable was feeling almost too confident and secure in my position at the station.  Since I had been there for so long and had seen so much, I knew how most things were run.  I was kind of the glue that kept the station together.  I knew when something didn't seem right, and I either would fix it or let the appropriate person know so they could fix it.  I was kind of like the momma bear of the station.  People would always say that I was the most stable person and the most consistent person at the station and that there was no way they'd get rid of me.  Having been told that over and over made me kind of take for granted the reality of things.  The reality that it doesn't matter what a team player I am, or how much more I'm willing to do and help out.  When they want to make cuts, the fact that you're an excellent employee and a good co-worker means absolutely nothing.

When you get too comfortable, you can become lazy and unmotivated. Although, there's more to it than that.  When you become too comfortable, you can lose your edge.  If you have a light inside of you that wants to do more and be more when you get too comfortable, that light starts to fade.  The light that once shined so bright that people would see it from across the room becomes a faint flicker in the corner.  Don't get too comfortable or let your light go out. 

HOW AM I DOING NOW?

Well, it's been 2 weeks...2 weeks since I've been on the air. Also, almost 2 weeks since the guy I was seeing removed himself so I could figure out my next steps.  I could sit here and act like every day is sunshine and rainbows, but that would be a lie. While I'm trying my best to keep a positive attitude and be optimistic, sometimes there's a lot to think about and sometimes I get overwhelmed with worry, and then I have a bad day.

This is honestly one of the weirdest places I've ever been in my life. As I mentioned before, the times in my past when I needed to find a new job, I didn't have to look long or I had a cushion with a salary. This time the cushion is basically a standard size pillow vs. a king-size bed. 

Now one of the simple things that brightens my day is when someone sends me a message. One of those messages was from Roula Christie. People in Houston would know her from 104.1 KRBE. Her message was a rather unexpected one, but it was incredibly appreciated. She gave me some words of encouragement, which meant a lot to me. One thing she said, was that she knows that I'll go through a rollercoaster of emotions...and she was right.

I've cried myself to sleep. I've woke up in the middle of the night with anxiety. Somedays I've been totally fine, and then the next day I feel overwhelmed and I cry all over again. There's just a lot to think about. Granted, I'm a worrier in general, but this is definitely a tough place to be.  

 

As for support, my friends have been amazing. So many of them checking up on me and wanting to meet up. The only thing that's been disappointing is the lack of support from my mom. I text my mom the day I was let go and somehow she didn't get the message. The next day I text her again asking if she got my text and she said she didn't. I told her "I lost my job yesterday." Her response? "Praying for you! What happened?" That was it. Needless to say, that was a stab in the heart. I didn't even respond. Nor do I think I will. Not only was that the worst response a parent could give outside of not replying at all, but it was also disappointing that my mom didn't even think to call me.  

When my dad died, I was there to answer the call, I was there to help get things going with cleaning up the house and funeral arrangements, and I was there to let my mom live with me for 6 months after my dad died so that my brother could start repairing the house. When has my mom been there for me? I can't even think of the last time. Certainly not now. I know if my dad were still alive, he would've called me a million times till I answered his call. My mom on the other hand doesn't even bother. 

So many people have sent me positive messages saying that I'm super talented and they know I'll find a great opportunity before I know it. While I want to believe them and hope they're right, I can't help but think of the reality of the situation. The reality...is that there aren't as many jobs in my industry as there once were. Corporate radio companies are cannibalizing themselves. Whether they overextended themselves financially or always had the intent to downsize their talent pool, the opportunities in my line of work are harder and harder to come by. Never mind the fact that it's a pandemic and 29 million Americans are also out of work and trying to figure out their life.  

Now, one thing that made me feel better is when my former boss Bruce Logan called me to give me the dad pep talk. In the past when his name popped up on my phone my butt would pucker a bit because I thought I did something wrong. This time I was so happy to see his name pop up and to talk to him. He gave me some really good sound advice, but also a bit of encouragement. He said that I'm very talented and I'm a girl and those things will help me when looking for a new job. 

 

I've had several people tell me about other jobs in radio to consider. I've even had people help me think of jobs in different lines of work that I would be good at. Several people have suggested I get into TV, but it's not like there are tons of jobs in that arena either. I know I have many talents and skills that can be used outside of radio; if that's something I decided to do, but honestly, I don't know what I want to do. Do I stay in radio and move to take a job and start all over again and hope that the new company or station doesn't go through some corporate restructuring, or do stay here and find other ways to use those talents and see what happens? 

I'm making progress in getting my stuff together for the job search.  I have my website up, I've been getting my airchecks and resume stuff together, and compiling contacts to reach out to.  There's a lot that lies ahead.  So hopefully,  I'll be able to figure this out soon. (Fingers crossed)