AFRAID TO MAKE A MOVE

Most every person that's been in a relationship at some point and time can say they've been hurt. There's a few people that never will feel that pain, and for them I say GOOD FOR YOU! There's also some of us that seem to get the short end of the stick in relationships more than we care to think about. For those people that's why I write this blog today.

I'd compare the person that gets hurt often in relationships and dating to a dog that is abused. After a while the dog cowers when it's approached by people because it's so conditioned to think it's going to get hurt. I think people are the same way.

After I got divorced, I was confident and yet a little naive. I thought to myself as I wanted to leave and move out that there had to be something better for me out there. That this dyfunctional marriage I was in couldn't be the best I could be treated. I was nieve because I hadn't really dated and thought that it would be so easy out in the dating world.

Was I still scarred? Yes. I had spent 8 years of my life with someone that wasn't uplifting or supportive. So I was naturally apprehensive to date someone exclusively. Yet, when I went out there in the dating world I was lucky to have found someone that seemed to sooo into me. It was a complete 180 and a refreshing change.

After a year and half, that relationship went down in flames and all the pain I masked from getting divorced came up and smacked me right in my face. You see, even though I had asked for the separation and divorce, he had moved on without ever trying to work on things and to this day has never given his reasons for not trying.

With both of those situations, I started to feel the rejection. Realizing that life's not fair and more heartache was to come.

Since then, I've been on the dating market in 2 different cities. Milwaukee and Houston. In Milwaukee I thought that I may meet a great Midwestern boy, but what I found was a lot of momma's boys that like to dump their girlfriends in the summer so they could play the field.

In Houston, I've noticed a lot of guys that are just in "F@$K MODE." Actually that's everywhere ya go, but no matter if they've been single for awhile, dating some girl, or just out of a relationship. I seem to find all the ones that aren't looking for anything serious anytime soon.

After getting burned a few times by guys that presented themselves as looking for a relationship but weren't(at least that's the excuse they gave), I've become a little afraid. .

Actually, I'm somewhat petrified! I sometimes feel like the abused dog. I feel like now when I meet someone that I cower. I'm sometimes so scared to move it's not even funny. Do I be myself? Do I crack jokes? Do you let them pick you up? Do you invite them inside? Do you kiss them? Do you have sex with them? What do you do? It's almost like sometimes you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

My last attempt at dating I thought was going well. I decided at the beginning to take a different approach. I tried taking a slow route. I wanted to see if he really was into me. I didn't have sex with him because I wanted to make sure he'd stick around. I also tried to cut down on the dirty jokes thinking maybe that my openness gave people the wrong impression. I made the communication even(Not having me text more than him). All of it giving me the same result of him kind of doing a disappearing act.

I'm just not sure what to do from this point forward.

Sometimes you just get burned so much that you don't know what to do next. Sometimes you tried what seems like everything and nothing seems to be working. Sometimes you just get tired of another possible relationship that went nowhere. Sometimes you get tired of not having much success, that you start to question what are you doing that IS right.

Has anyone else been burned so bad that you feel paralyzed to try in the future?

AM I HAPPY FOR YOU?

I can't help it lately. I've been drinking some haterade! And it's not hate for just anything or anyone. It's for LOVE!! I'm in a mode where when I see people post on facebook how much they love their boyfriend...I want to barf! Or if I see someone on twitter talk about something romantic they did with their new lover...I want to stab myself in the eye!

I know that the Christian girl that I was raised to be should be happy for other people and their happiness. Although, it's really difficult sometimes. However, If you're one of my good friends of course I'm going to be happy for you. I may get slightly sad that I haven't found that yet, but I will totally still be happy for you because you're my friend and I want my friends to be happy. Like when my best friend in Milwaukee who's in the same boat as me(single as single can be), started dating a guy I was happy that she found a seemingly good guy. In the back of mind I thought about my dry spell that I've been going through and couldn't help wondering when my luck will change.

Now here's the thing, if I ever dated you and things didn't end well...then HELL NO am I going to be happy for you. If you were the guy that tried using me to get a piece...HELL NO! I'm not happy for you either. If you're my ex-husband...that's a BIG HELL NO! If you're that person that jumps from relationship to relationship, I'm not happy for you either. If you've never had your heart broken, ripped out, and then they did the mexician hat dance on it...NOPE I'm not happy for you!

I was talking with one of my friends about this couple that just got together. Apparently, after dating a couple of months they're already saying "I Love You." Now I wouldn't want to see either one of those people naked, but when I heard that I freaked out and did my "WTF?" dance. It looks a little something like this except sped up.



One of the things that my friends who are single talk about all the time is, "What the heck? These people can get a boyfriend or girlfriend and we can't find even a decent guy to entertain us on a regular basis?? What are we doing wrong? Are we doing anything right?" My usual response is, "Hey she may look like she has fish eyes, but she must have the cure to cancer."

Again, I know that I should be happy for them and realize that(fingers crossed) my turn is coming, but with every year that passes and I'm not any closer to even finding a boyfriend, it's harder for me to be happy for people that find love. Or at least love for the moment.

Now granted this song doesn't totally relate to the story because I've never had an ex call me to be happy for them, but if I did I know that I do my "WTF?" dance and think of this song.

11 THINGS EVERY GIRL SHOULD HOLD OUT FOR

Ok...I'm not going to lie. When it's toward a certain time of the month I get a little more emotional and sometimes my lonliness kicks in a little. I was talking to a girl here a work about dating and who's together...you know girl stuff.

After our little talk, she sent me an article that her mother passed on to her. It's the 11 Things Every Girl Should Hold Out For. My comments are in ().


Written by Shallon Lester, Single-ish, Glamour Magazine.

Here it is:

I’m holding out for a guy with a sense of adventure as well as a big sense of humor. You’re going to need that to be with me.

Since I’m in between relationships at the moment, I’ve had some time to think about what I want and don’t want in a future partner. It helps, too, that I’ve had ample opportunity to observe all of my friends and their relationships. So I made a list of some must-haves we single ladies should be looking for. Well, not just looking for, but holding out for. Here’s what is non-negotiable:

1. A guy who can make you laugh.

Some things in life are not funny. Can he make you at least chuckle when the chips are down?

(I always want a funny guy but there are hard to find)

2. A guy who will laugh at your jokes and “get” you.

He might not understand you perfectly on the first date, but if you think you’re funny at all, I hope he gets that and appreciates it about you. Otherwise, you could be Kathy Griffin and you’ll still be laughing alone your whole life. Well, she's single. But I mean, if Kathy Griffin were—whatever!

(This is HUGE for me. I need a guy that can handle my vagina jokes and random bathroom humour. You'd think it wouldn't be hard but not many guys can handle my randomness)

3. A guy who will attend your lame “things.”

Adult dance recital, Mom’s birthday party? Find the guy who will go to something boring even though he will get nothing out of it—but he'll go for you.

(I like going to costco on the weekends)

4. A guy who will do nothing with you.

And I mean Nothing. If you’re feeling low-energy, anti-social, or blah, can he sit and do nothing with you or does he always leave you on the couch and go party with the guys? And could you two entertain each other on a deserted island or while stuck in traffic?

(I've always wanted a guy that would fall asleep with me on the couch)

5. A guy who will give you a thoughtful gift or card.

Not every time, obviously, but I would hope this dude would have his moments of showing you he has thought about you.

(This is the best when it's for no reason and when you hand write the entire thing)

6. A guy who will say he loves you.

I do not care about his made-up theory that love is just a social construct or what have you. Hold out for someone who can and will say it. Also, he shouldn’t say it just because you want him to; he should say it because it feels good to say it.

(Again it's great when it's unexpected and not just the way they end the conversation.)

7. A guy you respect.

Does he have a good head on his shoulders? Does he generally like his job? Is he proud of himself? Let’s hope so, ‘cause if you think he’s a lazy idiot, you’ll end up resenting him.

(I want to be proud of my man)

I asked some of my friends what they held out for, and this is what they told me….

8. A guy you have good chemistry with.

He doesn’t have to be Jude Law, but you should be attracted enough so that every time you have an argument, you will be motivated (by your underlying desire for him!) to work it out.

(This is a HUGE one for me again. After my failed marriage where the sex life was bleeeech, this is in my top 3!)

9. A guy who agrees with you about travel.

If you have wanderlust and he never wants to leave his hometown, don’t compromise by staying with him long-term and staying home. It’s fine to be a homebody, but if you're interested in exploring, find a guy with the travel bug. Otherwise, you’ll look back one day when you’re too old, tired, or broke and you'll wish you had seen the world.

(Absolutely! I love to travel and even though I do it alone it'd be nice once have a partner in my adventures.)

10. A guy with similar family goals.

Don’t compromise on whether or not you’ll have kids. If you want them, find a guy who does. Me, I don’t get serious with guys who say “maybe” they want kids. I want someone who feels as sure as I do—and I can't talk anyone in or out of anything.

(This is a tough one for me because it really depends on who I marry. I want to marry a guy that I can see being a great father and a great partner.)

And finally, the best one—of course, comes from my wise friend Melissa:

11. “Wait for someone who sees you the way you want to be seen.

He thinks you’re smart, funny, beautiful and powerful—always. Even on days when you can’t believe any of that about yourself.”
That’s a good one! Can’t wait for that.

(I'd love to find someone to love me on good days and bad. The pretty and the plain days)

What are you holding out for?

Here's a few I'm hoping to find although I'm wondering if it's possible.

A honest man that won't cheat. A guy actually puts you in the equation. A guy that likes me and there's no "but" that comes with it. Is this even attainable?

DO ALL GUYS JUST WANT SEX?

To a lot of you reading this you're probably thinking "Uhhh Yeah...DUH!!" And I'm sure a lot do. Although, if you were to talk to my ex husband while we were married he would've preferred to clean the house with a swiffer mop than get frisky with me.

When I got married I didn't have a lot of dating experience and now that I'm divorced and have been for 5 years, I'm starting to experience the dating thing a little later than most. And let me tell ya this blows!!!

It's not often that I meet someone that I find interesting, but when I do there's a little voice that goes off in my head every time.

You see, my parents are conservative Christians that wanted to make sure I wasn't going to have sex till I was married. So to make sure that didn't happen, they wouldn't allow me to date till I was 16. That included school dances. Now, lucky for them they never had to worry about that because the only guys that ever liked me in high school were either the foreign exchange students or pot smokers. (I was nice to everyone) Oh and top it off I was a late bloomer physically, so that certainly didn't help. Although the most popular girl in school was pretty flat and it always worked out for her. Hmmm.

Back on track here...One thing that my dad told me growing up was, "Erin, guys only want you for one thing. Guys only want to have sex with you." So now every time I meet someone I hear that in my head. And the more men I meet I start to wonder if that's true.

No matter whom I meet or how I meet them. I feel like that men want that one thing and that's it. Now matter if it's "Banker Boy" in Milwaukee that I dated, to the musician that called me his girlfriend for the night, to the guys on match I've met. It's all the same. They all end up the same. Just like my dad told me. Which is sad. I was hoping he might be wrong. Well he was wrong with my ex-husband. There’s a guy that didn't want just sex...he just didn't want it at all.

Like "Banker Boy" In Milwaukee. He was all about me and then one day I could tell things were off, I confronted him and we broke up. After that I could pretty much guarantee that any time he was drunk and it was past 1am, I'd hear from him. A lot of times when he had a girlfriend out of state.

Or the musician that said all the right things at the time. When the last time I saw him, he told me about how he missed having a girlfriend on the road. How he got lonely, and how I was his girlfriend for the night! Now looking back I feel like he saw me coming! Or maybe I looked like easy prey.

Or how about the guys I've met on match, or at the bar. God there’s a few of those.
No matter where I've met them, I feel like they all want one thing. The treasured surprise inside. Am I ever going to find a guy that wants that, but wants me more? IS that even possible?

I know I have a sassy personality that can hang with the guys and can talk about everything. I guess it'd be nice if guys didn't think that I was some dirty pirate hooker just because I can talk about a penis! Yeah I'll talk about penis, but guess what? Doesn't mean I want to see yours!!! And just because I am comfortable to tell a dick joke doesn't mean I pass out free samples like I'm a fricking Costco on a Saturday afternoon!

I wonder if guys do this too!!

MEN DATE ON THE SOCIAL LADDER JUST LIKE GIRLS

I always thought that women were the only ones that did this, but I'm starting to realize that some men date on the social ladder just like women have done for years.

What does dating on the social ladder mean? For women it was always wanting to marry the doctor. The guy that's a mover and shaker. Or dating a celebrity of some sort, whether it's the local celeb, the guy in a band, or the guy that plays some professional sport.

I've always wanted a man that did well for himself, but I don't think I have ever been the girl to seek out someone just because of how high they are on the social food chain.

In fact, I've always had my rule about guys that I wouldn't date. For instance, musicians and professional athletes. As talented and charming as I'm sure they are, I always saw them as guys that were so wrapped up in themselves and weren't really able to stay faithful on the road. Not saying that they're all that way, but I've met a musician that was married and he was giving me a hard core sales job like a used car salesman.

So let's get to how I've noticed guys dating on the social ladder. There's a guy that I semi-dated. For this story we'll call him "Name Dropper." Name dropper was a guy that lived up to his name.

He never really talked about anything of real substance but when he did talk about something, it was usually about himself or the important people he knew. When he would talk about his "good" friends he wouldn't just say, "Oh my friend Jack is going to be there." He'd say, " Oh my friend Jack that plays for the Houston Astros is going to be there." Keep 2 things in mind I've changed the names of the people and teams in this story. Also, the guy he always referenced this way, I'd met multiple times and each time that same guy also acted like he never met me before! NICE!!!

Now what's interesting about this guy is every person he associated with seemed to have a title of some sort. I remember thinking when we were hanging out that if I were some girl with a normal job, like working at a dentist office, he wouldn't have taken me out. What's funny is he's now dating a woman that used to be married to some pro sports player and you can always see her picture in the society section. Needless to say, it sounds like a match made in "who can use who more" heaven.

Now this next story I'm actually kind of embarrassed to admit. You see awhile back I met a celebrity of sorts and kind of developed a school girl crush on him. Ugh...this is where it gets embarrassing.

I actually had thought that this guy might like me!! How silly is that? Why would I ever think this guy would actually like me? Just because he got my phone number and he texted me a little? I think of it right now and I want to closed fist punch myself in the face because I feel so dumb. Where's Antoine Dodson right now?






Even one of girlfriends kind of had to tell me "Erin, I'm sure he was just being nice. He's a celebrity, he doesn't want people to think bad of him."

Unlike the first guy, who I would consider a "social ladder climber, this guy probably isn't seeking to climb the social ladder, but he probably would never go down the ladder.

Let's be honest, guys like him don't like or date girls like me. They don't date "normal" girls. Guys like him are used to dating actresses. Guys like him like/date girls that have 90210 as their zip code. Guys like him date girls that have a team of people to pluck, tweeze, and get them dressed in the morning. Guys like him look at girls like me as an afternoon snack. Guys like him probably just think of me as "that DJ girl down in Houston."

I guess I just feel silly thinking maybe, just maybe. Oy!

I'm not really sure where I wanted to end this and what my conclusion is exactly. I just know in the past guys didn't want to date me because they were afraid I'd talk about them on the radio. Now I find guys that don't think I'm cool enough to date.

I guess I just wish that someone great would find me at the top of their "food chain" (if you will) one of these days.