Monday, April 18, 2011


Most every person that's been in a relationship at some point and time can say they've been hurt. There's a few people that never will feel that pain, and for them I say GOOD FOR YOU! There's also some of us that seem to get the short end of the stick in relationships more than we care to think about. For those people that's why I write this blog today.

I'd compare the person that gets hurt often in relationships and dating to a dog that is abused. After a while the dog cowers when it's approached by people because it's so conditioned to think it's going to get hurt. I think people are the same way.

After I got divorced, I was confident and yet a little naive. I thought to myself as I wanted to leave and move out that there had to be something better for me out there. That this dyfunctional marriage I was in couldn't be the best I could be treated. I was nieve because I hadn't really dated and thought that it would be so easy out in the dating world.

Was I still scarred? Yes. I had spent 8 years of my life with someone that wasn't uplifting or supportive. So I was naturally apprehensive to date someone exclusively. Yet, when I went out there in the dating world I was lucky to have found someone that seemed to sooo into me. It was a complete 180 and a refreshing change.

After a year and half, that relationship went down in flames and all the pain I masked from getting divorced came up and smacked me right in my face. You see, even though I had asked for the separation and divorce, he had moved on without ever trying to work on things and to this day has never given his reasons for not trying.

With both of those situations, I started to feel the rejection. Realizing that life's not fair and more heartache was to come.

Since then, I've been on the dating market in 2 different cities. Milwaukee and Houston. In Milwaukee I thought that I may meet a great Midwestern boy, but what I found was a lot of momma's boys that like to dump their girlfriends in the summer so they could play the field.

In Houston, I've noticed a lot of guys that are just in "F@$K MODE." Actually that's everywhere ya go, but no matter if they've been single for awhile, dating some girl, or just out of a relationship. I seem to find all the ones that aren't looking for anything serious anytime soon.

After getting burned a few times by guys that presented themselves as looking for a relationship but weren't(at least that's the excuse they gave), I've become a little afraid. .

Actually, I'm somewhat petrified! I sometimes feel like the abused dog. I feel like now when I meet someone that I cower. I'm sometimes so scared to move it's not even funny. Do I be myself? Do I crack jokes? Do you let them pick you up? Do you invite them inside? Do you kiss them? Do you have sex with them? What do you do? It's almost like sometimes you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

My last attempt at dating I thought was going well. I decided at the beginning to take a different approach. I tried taking a slow route. I wanted to see if he really was into me. I didn't have sex with him because I wanted to make sure he'd stick around. I also tried to cut down on the dirty jokes thinking maybe that my openness gave people the wrong impression. I made the communication even(Not having me text more than him). All of it giving me the same result of him kind of doing a disappearing act.

I'm just not sure what to do from this point forward.

Sometimes you just get burned so much that you don't know what to do next. Sometimes you tried what seems like everything and nothing seems to be working. Sometimes you just get tired of another possible relationship that went nowhere. Sometimes you get tired of not having much success, that you start to question what are you doing that IS right.

Has anyone else been burned so bad that you feel paralyzed to try in the future?


Anonymous said...

I wonder if you will ever take accountability for your part in your failed relationships. Is it possible your 1.5 year relationship didn't work out because you were so insecure and jealous of time spent with bf's dying brother that you didn't give him the time or space he needed to deal with this kind of trauma? This, in my opinion, is unforgivable and I am sure ex-bf feels the same.

You are shallow and superficial and you are seeking similar guys. No wonder you are perpetually single.

Plus, I will never understand why you complain about guys thinking you are like "Costco on a Saturday handing out samples" when in fact you are exactly like Costco on a Saturday handing out samples. It seems you learned a lesson with the last victim (you kept your legs shut), but unfortunately that didn't work out for you.

If you want happiness, you need to make some changes. At some point, you will realize your issues are trivial, your priorities are insignificant, and there is more to life than what you think. Until then, happy hunting.

Erin Austin said...

Thank you Anonymous for your comment.

I appreciate your comment and you reading my blog.

Are you by chance dating my sloppy seconds.

I also appreciate that you're not creative enough to at least come up with a fake name to post on my blog but yet hide behind anonymous.

Best of luck on your future endeavours.

Happy hunting yourself!!

Moi said...

hey - how about a chat? I'm calling the 713-881-5429 & can never seem to reach you :)

Am I just a slow learner?!! LOL


Angie said...

To Anonymous- you obviously don't know Erin if you think she doesn't take accountability for her part in failed relationships...or you can't read. She is constantly wondering/worrying what SHE could have done better in the relationship. Were you a part of her relationship when she was dating Mr. Austin and he was dealing with his dying brother? Unless you ARE in fact Mr. Austin I don't think you have the right to comment on if she was jealous, or insecure about the time he spent with his brother. Could you perhaps think that maybe she wasn't jealous or insecure about the time she spent away from him but maybe, she just missed him because she loved him and wanted to be there for him while he was going through the very difficult time? You obviously haven't thought about that side of things.

Erin is nothing like Costco on a Saturday morning, and again, unless you are stalking her- how do you know what she does or doesn't do with people she dates? If you know so many intimate details about Erin then you either dated her- which if that is the case- simply say your name and defend your side of the story...or you are a jealous new girlfriend or perhaps even a new wife of one of her exes. Maybe you are insecure because you can't live up to what she was to whoever you are with. No one ever likes the person that their significant other was with right before them...but no one likes a hater either, so stop hiding behind "Anonymous" and stand up for what you believe in by saying who you are.

With your obvious dislike for Erin- how do you think that you can dish out advice for what she needs to do to be happy? Who are you to judge if someone's issues are trivial or priorities are insignificant?

As Erin's friend..and someone who wouldn't be hiding behind and "anonymous" name I will weigh in on my opinion...

Erin is NOT superficial or shallow. Erin IS loyal, funny, smart and has a huge personality. She is quick witted and the first to say the thing that everyone else is only thinking. If that is too much for some people then they shouldn't hang out with her- no big deal...but they also shouldn't be encouraging her to make changes, because she is awesome just the way she is. Superficial? Please. She shops at TJ Maxx and Marshalls. If I ever say to her "I like that shirt" 99% of the time she says "Thanks it was $10!"

Maybe you are referring to the fact that Erin takes care of herself by working out and staying in shape. Big frickin deal! Maybe the anger in your post would be subsided if you ran a mile or two.

Erin will find the right person...or she won't..but either way she shouldn't change because she is wonderful just the way she is and there ARE lots of people that will appreciate that. Maybe her blog doesn't paint the best picture because she doesn't talk about all of the guys that hit on her when she is out or all of the guys that would like to date her. She just doesn't want to settle (maybe you have and that is why you seem so bitter) and she is looking for great...not just ok.

I am sure Erin appreciates your comments but coming from someone that is her friend- I disagree and think you should stop being so miserable- or at least give some background about why you are so insecure about her blogging.

Katie said...

Hey "Anonymous!"

chad_quixote said...

(male viewpoint)
The beat dog is an very apt description. I know now, even though I've more or less moved on, when I start anything new - all the little things pop their head, and I feel like a teenager trying to get a first date - even though all I'm after is some competent adult conversation, and just spending time with someone.

Melanie said...

I can totally relate to this blog & some of your others! I really enjoy reading it.

& for those that can't back up what they say with a name...well, here's the middle finger salute to you! :-) If you don't want to own what you say, then why say it?!?!

Anonymous said...

Erin, so I have just discovered your blog through Hot 95.7, and I have just spent a whole morning reading throughout the whole year of your blog! Lucky my boss is not in the office, so I can afford to slack and procrastinate off work and read your blog instead :)

It is funny because I am going through absolutely the same things you are, I am of similar age, and let me tell ya - it feels good to know you're not the only one out there who is single 30 yr old woman, carreer oriented, and at the same time struggling with her relationshipss.

A lot of times I blame myself for being too open, too much out there, for being the girl who maybe likes to have too much fun and it sends the wrong signal (not relationship type material signal)when at the same time I am quite conservative and would never go home with a guy and never had a one night stand, etc. Yes, I do crack a lot of jokes and have been advised by my girlfriends that maybe I come off as the "friend type as opposed to girlfriend, and that guys maybe perceive me as one of the boys". I mean, I have evaluated and re-evaluated my behaviour in every single way possible trying to find out what the heck is wrong with me that I cannot get that relationship. I even think sometimes that I'm not dateable, or that there is something so screwed up about me that I can't see, but guys do and that pushes them away.

But in reality, it's not me, or you, it is them, or we just haven't found the right kind of men for our strong characters; someone that can put up with us and stand equal. I do feel that men are sometimes intimidated by successful and confident women and once they find out that we don't need them to physically and mentally support and pet us around, they automatically move to someone who does. They like to have the power and be in control, they like to know that someone depends on them, and they need someone to protect.

I look at some of my girlfriends that are currently in a relationship or married and their relationship is based on the strong guy who is taking care of his girl. I mean, they are my friends, and I love them to death, but they are not of strong personality at all. They would do what the guy asks them to do, and they want to be "protected". The guys feel like they are needed, and boom - it is a "perfect" relationship.

Well, that wouldn't work for me. I'm not the stay at home mommy type, or someone who will depend on her "man" to support and protect her.

At the same time I'm not a "hoe'" and I won't go and sleep around with people. I stand up for myself. And unfortunately, a lot of times, guys would go for the "easy" chick. The chick that indeed spends 3 hours in front of the mirror, the chick that looks and talks like a bimbo, and the chick that likes to be pampered.

We are not that. And we are not looking for those types of guys. Unfortunately we live in times, when it's all about that.

So where do we find those guys that aren't just looking for a "f*&k buddy" or are trying to find someone to protect? I wish I knew. Do they exist? I don't know. Is there a formula when it comes to dating? I don't think so. I've tried all tricks possible that you are mentioning in your blog - cut off the jokes so you don't come out too boy-ish, be hard to get, don't sleep with the guy... at the end of the day it is to each his own. The guy either likes you or not. You are either meant to be or not. Guess there are a lot more frogs we need to kiss before we find the right one ... hopefully soon we will ;)