THE WORDS THAT LEAVE SCARS

It's happened to all of us. Someone says something that hurts and sometimes it sticks with you for life. It happens to me just about every time I write a blog. Someone who probably doesn't know me personally, decides to make a comment that is meant to be hurtful. In those instances, the words hurt for a bit, but rarely do they stick with me for longer than a day or so. However, there are many times where I can think of things that someone close to me has said something that still sticks.

I can think of things that my parents said to me that have stuck with me over the years. I don't think the moments weren't meant to be so hurtful, but I remember them. There were times when my dad would say things when us kids did something to make him mad, "Just 4 more years and you're out of here." Or when my brother and I misbehaved my parents would say, "I hope when you guys have kids they are 10 times worse than you are." (Maybe that's a reason I'm not in a hurry to have kids.) At least I can say my parent NEVER said things like "you're worthless" or "I wish you were never born."


Kids can be mean with things they say too. With all the national attention brought to cyber-bullying and kids taking their own lives because of it, it's obvious that words hurt. Fortunately, that was never a huge problem for me. I did get teased for being flat chested as a pre-teen, but over the years I've learned that having a smaller chest means I won't be saggy like bigger boobed girls. Now, my younger brother on the other hand was constantly bullied. He was taller than most kids his age and had big ears. I can't tell you how many times I would have to run off the ornery neighbor boys down the street. My brother was quieter than me and wasn't brave enough to defend himself. That bullying affected him for years, if not for the rest of his life. He has become more confident over the years, but that bullying was a setback.



As an adult words still stick. Even though we're older and wiser, we're still not made of Teflon. Sometimes the people that say the most hurtful things are the people we love the most. I know I've held on to several hurtful things that my ex-husband said to me. Some of which I think is part of the reason it's hard for me to be in a relationship. Looking back on that relationship, with the lack of emotional nurturing that I needed I'm surprised surprised it lasted as long as it did.

My ex pretty much refused to have sex with me. (that still affects me) So I started questioning what was wrong with me. Then I started questioning if it was me at all. Towards the end of our marriage he befriended one of the guys at work that was openly gay. They'd hang out and one night I came home from work and he was over for dinner. That's cool. However, the part that I thought was weird was when I walked in my kitchen and there they are making dinner together like a cute little couple. And I pretty much was invisible. We ate dinner and then watched some TV (Desparate Housewives). When our co-worker left and I said, "I'm sure ____ will be more than happy to walk you out."

When my ex came back downstairs he asked me what that was about. Knowing full and well what he was talking about, I said I had no idea what he was referring to. Then he says something that I hear like it was yesterday. "Erin just because I don't like fucking you, doesn't mean I like fucking guys!" That one stung and still does. I wish there was a way for me to erase that from my memory.



Since then I can think of several times where guys I've dated said something that hurt and has stayed. let's give you the list. 1. "Erin, you're just not like my mom." (when talking about why he didn't want to date me.) 2. "I don't like staying at your place, you have dog fur." ( now I never let guys come over.) Now for the most recent 3. "... Then again maybe you enjoy being alone with a dog, going to a therapist every week and taking depression medication everyday. ...Being an asshole to someone i like so much isnt something i enjoy doing but you need a wake up call. You could do do so much better with yourself. "

Keep in mind that came from "Little Critter." Remember him? He's the subject of my "Cougar" blog.

Words hurt. No matter how old you are, how old the person is that they come from, or even how much time has passed.

NEW NOSE IN THE NEW YEAR!

Now before you get all opinionated and tell me that I don't need it or that I should reconsider, let me tell you why I've decided I'm going to do this.

Ever since I was a kid I've have had a deviated septum. Most times it's inside where no one can see. However, mine is both. The septum is crooked and can be seen from the outside. It's not totally obvious to anyone when they talk to me. I generally point it out and then they see it.


Last year I had surgery to fix my deviated septum and it only worked partially. The part internally was fixed but the part (that I really wanted fixed) that can be seen on the outside was not fixed even though they attempted to fix it.




I can't help it! No matter how much time has passed, whether I'm single or in a relationship, I want to make this change. I want to make this change for me!

So now I've decided to stop just wishing to make this change and do something about it. Last year at New Year's I made it as one of my resolutions, but didn't really take action until the end of the year. Something finally hit me and I started researching plastic surgeons. I have a friend that is a nurse anesthetist and asked him if there was anyone he recommended.

I made an appointment for a consultation with the surgeon that my friend suggested. He was super friendly and asked after looking at what was functionally wrong with my nose if there was anything else I'd like done. The first thing I said was I'd like to look less like a female Abraham Lincoln.





He told me that when I walked in his office that he never would've said I needed a nose job, but after taking some pictures and seeing what I wasn't happy with, he showed me some images of what he would change and how it would look. He has done some amazing work. In fact, he was even on Oprah for some of the facial reconstruction work he's done.

So now I'm just waiting to hear if the insurance company will be nice enough to cover the functional part of my surgery. If not not the cost will just about double. The part I'd need to come up with is hard enough.

I've decided that if insurance covers the medical part of my surgery that I will sell my old wedding ring to pay for part of my portion of the surgery. I doubt I'll get enough to cover all of it so I've decided to do some fundraising to help with costs.

The next thing that I've decided to do in the next several weeks, I'll go to several busy intersections in the area and hold up a sign asking for money. I know it'll be weird to hold a sign that says "NEED MONEY FOR MY PLASTIC SURGERY," but hey...if that's what I got to do to make this happen...then by God we're going to do it! (At least I'm being honest)

I know by posting this I'm opening myself up to some harsh criticism. And as much as I'm not ready to hear people be mean and rude, I'm aware that it's going to happen. Because well...opinions are like assholes and everyone has one.

All I know is that this is the thing that has always bothered me since I was a kid. Sure, did I hate being the flat chested girl through middle school and high school? Hell ya!! It sucked! But now that I'm older my boobs maybe small but they're still upright and perky. (like a 21 yr old) So until the day comes where my boobs look something you'd see in a National Geographic Magazine, I'm gonna leave them as is!

Now as for the people that are going to hate. I know that what I'm concerned about may seem menial compared to some people's bigger worries. However, everyone is capable of doing the same thing I'm doing. They can make they're own websites as well. Fund raise, beg, sell, whatever they need to do. To the people that are saying I don't need to do this surgery. Well, maybe I don't, but if I told you I wanted breast implants would you have a different opinion?

We all have things that will make us happier. If there's a way for you to make yourself happier and more confident, then do what you can to make it happen.

I FEEL LIKE I'M AN ISLAND

Not sure if it's the holidays or what, but lately I've been feeling as though I'm an island. That may sound a little weird to most, but to me it means I have this feeling of being alone.

The holidays are never an easy time of year for making me feel warm and fuzzy. Sure I decorate and put up a tree to feel more festive but typically I spend the holidays alone or working. My family has never been big at celebrating the holidays traditionally and now that I'm an adult I want to. So instead of flying back home and treating it like any other day, if I'm going to spend my Christmas non-traditionally I'd rather do my own thing.

A couple of years in a row I spent my Christmas and New Years in Europe alone. They were places that I've always wanted to go and even though I didn't speak the language I decided to take my chances and see what it was like in another part of the world for Christmas.

Another reason I feel like an island is because recently I've had some people close to me diagnosed with cancer. As I still try to wrap my head around what they're going through, I can't help but think what it might be like if that happened to me. The thought that often pops in my head is how alone I'd be. One friend is married and has her family nearby. She is very lucky to have so many people near her that care about her and are able to give a helping hand and support her.

When I had my lasik surgery and deviated septum surgery last year I planned on driving myself home from both of them. It wasn't until the doctor told me that I needed to have someone pick me up that I was able to leave. I just feel like if I were to get that devastating news I'd either be driving myself back and forth to chemo or become the charity case for people to look after.

Most nights of the week I spend at home and hang out with my dog. My phone rarely rings and most of the time if it does ring it's not from the people I want to call. What's funny is sometimes I might have someone show interest but usually I don't care enough to even go. Like I said I'm usually not interested.

I'm not trying to sound like a Debbie Downer I guess I've just been doing a lot of turning inward. I've been spending a lot of time by myself and doing my own thing that it scares me. It scares me that I'll always be this alone and by myself.

My family lives in Oregon. My really really best friends live in other states and well let's be honest...I've lived here in Houston now for 2 and 1/2 years and I'm not any closer to finding a significant other as the day I moved here. If anything, I'm probably getting further from it because I'm getting older and my shelf life is starting to get up there according to a lot of men.

I know there might be folks happy to have the absolute freedom I have. I have no one to answer to(literally) and I'm able to pickup and go whenever I want (money and God permitting). Sometimes hearing nothing but the voice inside your head gets a little old and it would be nice to have someone to rely on and care about you.

THE NON-NEGOTIABLES SERIES: GOOD SEX

The non-negotiable series deals with factors in a relationship that I think are must haves for me and for most people. This particular topic is one that I think is a must for everyone...not just a few people.

The first thing that is non-negotiable is GOOD SEX!! I think that most people in this day and age are having sex before they are married. If you are in that majority, then listen up.




When you enter to a relationship most times the purpose is to find your mate. So think for a moment that the person you marry and spend the rest of your life with is someone you can't stand in the bedroom. That to me sounds like absolute torture.

To some sex isn't very important. To that I say, maybe that they never had good sex and what the heck is wrong with you? But those of us that have had good sex, can you imagine being with someone for the rest of your life that isn't good in bed? You might as well be in prison. And for that matter I know how that feels.

For instance, my ex was never wanting to have sex with me (now I have issues with that) and not only that, but he wasn't very adventurous or passionate. So when we would get it on it was very mechanical and something that left you with a feeling of "that's it? Did HE even have fun?"

My personal opinion is that if we all married people that we were more sexually compatible with that there could/would be less cheating in America. Think about that for a second. There's a guy I know that was a big fan of "blow jobs." Yet, the chick he married couldn't stand them. Now for the rest of his life he's "stuck" with the chick that will never give him one of his favorite things in the bedroom.

I know there are certain things I'm a big fan of in the bedroom and don't think for a second that I'm gonna stick with some guy for the rest of life that will not do it. I've done that once and I'm not doing it again.


translation: When even the neighbors go out for a smoke.

To recap: I'm not saying go and marry someone that is only good in bed. What I'm saying is, before you walk down that aisle or stay in that relationship for year after year, if the sex is "just OK" then you may want to rethink that.

HOW CAN YOU EVER TRUST ANYONE?

I can't tell you how often it may happen or how long the feeling lasts, but I get a lonely feeling now and again. It's a feeling that sometimes just comes out of nowhere and other times I have something happen that triggers my sadness. Sometimes the trigger is anything from seeing another couple announce their engagement, or looking around my apartment and realizing the last time I had a guy over was over a year and half ago.

I was sitting at dinner with a few girlfriends and I had something hit me. (no not a piece of food) My friends and I were in a restaurant and it appeared that we were the only table of non-couples. As I looked across the restaurant at the table full of couples and got sad that I wasn't at a table for 2, I noticed something.

At that table there was an attractive man sitting with his girlfriend. As the conversation with the pair trailed off, I saw him grab his cellphone and start texting. I instantly remembered how much I hated that happening to me and I felt a little better.

I then mentioned it to the girls and we started talking about how the guys we've dated in the past would do the same or worse. One girl mentioned how she'd be laying on the couch with her man and she's see his phone going off over and over again.

I sat there and thought, "How am I ever going to be able to trust anyone?"

There was a guy I went on a few dates with and I remember telling one of my best friends that I was a little leery of ever really dating him because he was one of those guys that lived here his entire life and knew a lot of people. He had a ton of female friends. How are you to ever know which ones are just friends vs. conquests?

Needless to say I never had worry about that because it never got to that point for other reasons.

I can also think of a guy I've hung out with a few times. Anytime we'd hangout I always had so much fun. He always made me feel like I was the only girl in the room. Granted, I know/knew that it'd go nowhere, but I couldn't help but wonder if he acted that way with all the girls he met. With every girl that he hung out with did he tell them the same stuff as he told me? Isn't sad that I can't just enjoy the moment? Instead I'm too worried about whether I'm number 5 on a list of 10.

I've always wondered if part of the problem that I'm single is me. And I'm sure part of it is. I've got a big wall up to protect myself that's so high, I'm not sure if any guy will be able to climb it.

I had an old boss of mine sit down with me at lunch when I first moved here to Houston. He hadn't seen me in a few years, but he said something that makes me think every once in a while. He said, "Erin you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop." And it's true. I'm so afraid to trust people because I'm afraid that they'll hurt me that I just sit there and wait for the to do something that will hurt me or disappoint me.

How do you believe in anyone? How are you to trust anyone? How do you make a heart that's closed off become an open one again?