I can't tell you how often it may happen or how long the feeling lasts, but I get a lonely feeling now and again. It's a feeling that sometimes just comes out of nowhere and other times I have something happen that triggers my sadness. Sometimes the trigger is anything from seeing another couple announce their engagement, or looking around my apartment and realizing the last time I had a guy over was over a year and half ago.
I was sitting at dinner with a few girlfriends and I had something hit me. (no not a piece of food) My friends and I were in a restaurant and it appeared that we were the only table of non-couples. As I looked across the restaurant at the table full of couples and got sad that I wasn't at a table for 2, I noticed something.
At that table there was an attractive man sitting with his girlfriend. As the conversation with the pair trailed off, I saw him grab his cellphone and start texting. I instantly remembered how much I hated that happening to me and I felt a little better.
I then mentioned it to the girls and we started talking about how the guys we've dated in the past would do the same or worse. One girl mentioned how she'd be laying on the couch with her man and she's see his phone going off over and over again.
I sat there and thought, "How am I ever going to be able to trust anyone?"
There was a guy I went on a few dates with and I remember telling one of my best friends that I was a little leery of ever really dating him because he was one of those guys that lived here his entire life and knew a lot of people. He had a ton of female friends. How are you to ever know which ones are just friends vs. conquests?
Needless to say I never had worry about that because it never got to that point for other reasons.
I can also think of a guy I've hung out with a few times. Anytime we'd hangout I always had so much fun. He always made me feel like I was the only girl in the room. Granted, I know/knew that it'd go nowhere, but I couldn't help but wonder if he acted that way with all the girls he met. With every girl that he hung out with did he tell them the same stuff as he told me? Isn't sad that I can't just enjoy the moment? Instead I'm too worried about whether I'm number 5 on a list of 10.
I've always wondered if part of the problem that I'm single is me. And I'm sure part of it is. I've got a big wall up to protect myself that's so high, I'm not sure if any guy will be able to climb it.
I had an old boss of mine sit down with me at lunch when I first moved here to Houston. He hadn't seen me in a few years, but he said something that makes me think every once in a while. He said, "Erin you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop." And it's true. I'm so afraid to trust people because I'm afraid that they'll hurt me that I just sit there and wait for the to do something that will hurt me or disappoint me.
How do you believe in anyone? How are you to trust anyone? How do you make a heart that's closed off become an open one again?
6 comments:
Erin,
I have read a few of your blogs and as I believe from most you are correct in your perceptions of us males although I do believe that things do go both ways. This blog caught my attention and I felt I should respond.
As I have been going on in life I found that what we see in others we tend to project ourselves onto others. As I say that I can't trust him or her I really am saying that I can't trust myself. When I have seen a jealous significant other accuse the other of infidelity many times it is the accuser that is the one who has been unfaithful, whether physically or emotionally. There is a great book I read called "When God Winks" as we look for that significant other we can't ignore the coincidences or "God Winks" that have brought the two people together.
There is a perfect mate for you. When you see the almost careless perfection in nature, in the perfect symmetry of a flower or in the graceful beauty of a soaring dove, how can you doubt that your life should share in that perfect unified balance of creation? 5 steps that can keep your heart and your eyes open to the winks that could lead you to your mate.
1. Set a positive attitude. Look around you, when you see a couple that looks happy together, don't they generally look perfectly cast? Don't they usually appear to have compatible looks and comparable temperaments? Nature loves symmetry. Like the happy couples you see somwhere there is a perfect mate for you.
2. Start Loving yourself, make an inventory of all the wonderful things about yourself and focus your attention on those things, setting aside things you don't like about yourself. Adopt a positive impression of who you are, and decide right here and now that you are a perfect catch for someone,
3. Have faith, believe with all your heart that there will be guideposts for you to follow, but realize that they might not appear on your timetable,
4. Get on your universal Highway. Head in the direction you believe to be your destiny. You cant get there by sitting on the side of the road or Hiding behind YOUR FEARS! isn't that what this blog is about anyway? Hiding behind your fears?
5. Stay alert for the signs to your perfect mate. There are God winks waiting for you. Choose to see the coincidences and winks as meaningful signals that you are on the right track. Their occurrence is meant to reassure you. Let them lift you up so that your best face shines through.
Remember people are drawn to light. When you know your strengths and place yourself in situations where you can shine brightest, you'll be amazed at who notices and how many winks of encouragement you'll receive.
I found that it was a wink that I was re reading that book and when I had set it down I saw your post on FB and read your blog. Best of luck to you and your journey. God Bless an old friend :D
Oh, Erin, I get this so much! I have the highest wall set up, one that I fear may never be climbed. Part of it is because when the wall comes down I always get hurt and I'm afraid that that will always happen.
I do find myself hoping/wishing that I'll find that "special" someone soon, I crave the relationship (does that make sense?), especially when I'm out and about and see other couples together.
I hope the right person will come along some day, because I deserve someone too, damn it!! :)
You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.
it is impossible to know whether or not to trust someone. the only way to make a relationship work is to go ahead, bring down the wall and trust. once its broke then let the person go, but that doesn't mean go into the next relationship expecting to be hurt again.
and when you are in that restaurant looking at other couples.. remember the greener grass. likely, a girl or guy sitting there, was looking at your table missing their old friends.
enjoy all life brings to you.
don't waste the moments wishing for the next.
Erin,
I agree with the first guy who said "There is a perfect mate for you" I agree with that part 110% but you need to pull down the wall a little and let people get to know "you". I am not telling you that you will not get hurt, that just might happen or might not but that is the growing process. Hell I think that just about everyone has been hurt in a way or two.
I also agree with what Mel said," it is impossible to know whether or not to trust someone. the only way to make a relationship work is to go ahead, bring down the wall and trust. once its broke then let the person go, but that doesn't mean go into the next relationship expecting to be hurt again."
Want to thank you all for the words of encouragement. It's nice for once having someone let you know that you're not a "crazy person," horrible, or screwed up on every level. And not that I want other peoe to feel this way...but knowing that someone understands you and cam relate is nice.
Hey Erin,
A lot of girls say we want an honest loyal guy but thats not true I can get you thousands of honest loyal guys but they will not be Brad Pitt's they will be regular guys the loyalty goes with looks less good looking the more loyal they are!
you know why because most men are pigs if you wana be with a good looking guy you will be taking big risk of another women seducing him and you need to live with that. The other hand ugly guy need to work so hard to cheat on their partner.
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