Monday, December 5, 2011
HOW CAN YOU EVER TRUST ANYONE?
I can't tell you how often it may happen or how long the feeling lasts, but I get a lonely feeling now and again. It's a feeling that sometimes just comes out of nowhere and other times I have something happen that triggers my sadness. Sometimes the trigger is anything from seeing another couple announce their engagement, or looking around my apartment and realizing the last time I had a guy over was over a year and half ago.
I was sitting at dinner with a few girlfriends and I had something hit me. (no not a piece of food) My friends and I were in a restaurant and it appeared that we were the only table of non-couples. As I looked across the restaurant at the table full of couples and got sad that I wasn't at a table for 2, I noticed something.
At that table there was an attractive man sitting with his girlfriend. As the conversation with the pair trailed off, I saw him grab his cellphone and start texting. I instantly remembered how much I hated that happening to me and I felt a little better.
I then mentioned it to the girls and we started talking about how the guys we've dated in the past would do the same or worse. One girl mentioned how she'd be laying on the couch with her man and she's see his phone going off over and over again.
I sat there and thought, "How am I ever going to be able to trust anyone?"
There was a guy I went on a few dates with and I remember telling one of my best friends that I was a little leery of ever really dating him because he was one of those guys that lived here his entire life and knew a lot of people. He had a ton of female friends. How are you to ever know which ones are just friends vs. conquests?
Needless to say I never had worry about that because it never got to that point for other reasons.
I can also think of a guy I've hung out with a few times. Anytime we'd hangout I always had so much fun. He always made me feel like I was the only girl in the room. Granted, I know/knew that it'd go nowhere, but I couldn't help but wonder if he acted that way with all the girls he met. With every girl that he hung out with did he tell them the same stuff as he told me? Isn't sad that I can't just enjoy the moment? Instead I'm too worried about whether I'm number 5 on a list of 10.
I've always wondered if part of the problem that I'm single is me. And I'm sure part of it is. I've got a big wall up to protect myself that's so high, I'm not sure if any guy will be able to climb it.
I had an old boss of mine sit down with me at lunch when I first moved here to Houston. He hadn't seen me in a few years, but he said something that makes me think every once in a while. He said, "Erin you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop." And it's true. I'm so afraid to trust people because I'm afraid that they'll hurt me that I just sit there and wait for the to do something that will hurt me or disappoint me.
How do you believe in anyone? How are you to trust anyone? How do you make a heart that's closed off become an open one again?