Saturday, December 31, 2011
THE WORDS THAT LEAVE SCARS
It's happened to all of us. Someone says something that hurts and sometimes it sticks with you for life. It happens to me just about every time I write a blog. Someone who probably doesn't know me personally, decides to make a comment that is meant to be hurtful. In those instances, the words hurt for a bit, but rarely do they stick with me for longer than a day or so. However, there are many times where I can think of things that someone close to me has said something that still sticks.
I can think of things that my parents said to me that have stuck with me over the years. I don't think the moments weren't meant to be so hurtful, but I remember them. There were times when my dad would say things when us kids did something to make him mad, "Just 4 more years and you're out of here." Or when my brother and I misbehaved my parents would say, "I hope when you guys have kids they are 10 times worse than you are." (Maybe that's a reason I'm not in a hurry to have kids.) At least I can say my parent NEVER said things like "you're worthless" or "I wish you were never born."
Kids can be mean with things they say too. With all the national attention brought to cyber-bullying and kids taking their own lives because of it, it's obvious that words hurt. Fortunately, that was never a huge problem for me. I did get teased for being flat chested as a pre-teen, but over the years I've learned that having a smaller chest means I won't be saggy like bigger boobed girls. Now, my younger brother on the other hand was constantly bullied. He was taller than most kids his age and had big ears. I can't tell you how many times I would have to run off the ornery neighbor boys down the street. My brother was quieter than me and wasn't brave enough to defend himself. That bullying affected him for years, if not for the rest of his life. He has become more confident over the years, but that bullying was a setback.
As an adult words still stick. Even though we're older and wiser, we're still not made of Teflon. Sometimes the people that say the most hurtful things are the people we love the most. I know I've held on to several hurtful things that my ex-husband said to me. Some of which I think is part of the reason it's hard for me to be in a relationship. Looking back on that relationship, with the lack of emotional nurturing that I needed I'm surprised surprised it lasted as long as it did.
My ex pretty much refused to have sex with me. (that still affects me) So I started questioning what was wrong with me. Then I started questioning if it was me at all. Towards the end of our marriage he befriended one of the guys at work that was openly gay. They'd hang out and one night I came home from work and he was over for dinner. That's cool. However, the part that I thought was weird was when I walked in my kitchen and there they are making dinner together like a cute little couple. And I pretty much was invisible. We ate dinner and then watched some TV (Desparate Housewives). When our co-worker left and I said, "I'm sure ____ will be more than happy to walk you out."
When my ex came back downstairs he asked me what that was about. Knowing full and well what he was talking about, I said I had no idea what he was referring to. Then he says something that I hear like it was yesterday. "Erin just because I don't like fucking you, doesn't mean I like fucking guys!" That one stung and still does. I wish there was a way for me to erase that from my memory.
Since then I can think of several times where guys I've dated said something that hurt and has stayed. let's give you the list. 1. "Erin, you're just not like my mom." (when talking about why he didn't want to date me.) 2. "I don't like staying at your place, you have dog fur." ( now I never let guys come over.) Now for the most recent 3. "... Then again maybe you enjoy being alone with a dog, going to a therapist every week and taking depression medication everyday. ...Being an asshole to someone i like so much isnt something i enjoy doing but you need a wake up call. You could do do so much better with yourself. "
Keep in mind that came from "Little Critter." Remember him? He's the subject of my "Cougar" blog.
Words hurt. No matter how old you are, how old the person is that they come from, or even how much time has passed.