Monday, December 19, 2011
I FEEL LIKE I'M AN ISLAND
Not sure if it's the holidays or what, but lately I've been feeling as though I'm an island. That may sound a little weird to most, but to me it means I have this feeling of being alone.
The holidays are never an easy time of year for making me feel warm and fuzzy. Sure I decorate and put up a tree to feel more festive but typically I spend the holidays alone or working. My family has never been big at celebrating the holidays traditionally and now that I'm an adult I want to. So instead of flying back home and treating it like any other day, if I'm going to spend my Christmas non-traditionally I'd rather do my own thing.
A couple of years in a row I spent my Christmas and New Years in Europe alone. They were places that I've always wanted to go and even though I didn't speak the language I decided to take my chances and see what it was like in another part of the world for Christmas.
Another reason I feel like an island is because recently I've had some people close to me diagnosed with cancer. As I still try to wrap my head around what they're going through, I can't help but think what it might be like if that happened to me. The thought that often pops in my head is how alone I'd be. One friend is married and has her family nearby. She is very lucky to have so many people near her that care about her and are able to give a helping hand and support her.
When I had my lasik surgery and deviated septum surgery last year I planned on driving myself home from both of them. It wasn't until the doctor told me that I needed to have someone pick me up that I was able to leave. I just feel like if I were to get that devastating news I'd either be driving myself back and forth to chemo or become the charity case for people to look after.
Most nights of the week I spend at home and hang out with my dog. My phone rarely rings and most of the time if it does ring it's not from the people I want to call. What's funny is sometimes I might have someone show interest but usually I don't care enough to even go. Like I said I'm usually not interested.
I'm not trying to sound like a Debbie Downer I guess I've just been doing a lot of turning inward. I've been spending a lot of time by myself and doing my own thing that it scares me. It scares me that I'll always be this alone and by myself.
My family lives in Oregon. My really really best friends live in other states and well let's be honest...I've lived here in Houston now for 2 and 1/2 years and I'm not any closer to finding a significant other as the day I moved here. If anything, I'm probably getting further from it because I'm getting older and my shelf life is starting to get up there according to a lot of men.
I know there might be folks happy to have the absolute freedom I have. I have no one to answer to(literally) and I'm able to pickup and go whenever I want (money and God permitting). Sometimes hearing nothing but the voice inside your head gets a little old and it would be nice to have someone to rely on and care about you.