It's happened to all of us. Someone says something that hurts and sometimes it sticks with you for life. It happens to me just about every time I write a blog. Someone who probably doesn't know me personally, decides to make a comment that is meant to be hurtful. In those instances, the words hurt for a bit, but rarely do they stick with me for longer than a day or so. However, there are many times where I can think of things that someone close to me has said something that still sticks.
I can think of things that my parents said to me that have stuck with me over the years. I don't think the moments weren't meant to be so hurtful, but I remember them. There were times when my dad would say things when us kids did something to make him mad, "Just 4 more years and you're out of here." Or when my brother and I misbehaved my parents would say, "I hope when you guys have kids they are 10 times worse than you are." (Maybe that's a reason I'm not in a hurry to have kids.) At least I can say my parent NEVER said things like "you're worthless" or "I wish you were never born."
Kids can be mean with things they say too. With all the national attention brought to cyber-bullying and kids taking their own lives because of it, it's obvious that words hurt. Fortunately, that was never a huge problem for me. I did get teased for being flat chested as a pre-teen, but over the years I've learned that having a smaller chest means I won't be saggy like bigger boobed girls. Now, my younger brother on the other hand was constantly bullied. He was taller than most kids his age and had big ears. I can't tell you how many times I would have to run off the ornery neighbor boys down the street. My brother was quieter than me and wasn't brave enough to defend himself. That bullying affected him for years, if not for the rest of his life. He has become more confident over the years, but that bullying was a setback.
As an adult words still stick. Even though we're older and wiser, we're still not made of Teflon. Sometimes the people that say the most hurtful things are the people we love the most. I know I've held on to several hurtful things that my ex-husband said to me. Some of which I think is part of the reason it's hard for me to be in a relationship. Looking back on that relationship, with the lack of emotional nurturing that I needed I'm surprised surprised it lasted as long as it did.
My ex pretty much refused to have sex with me. (that still affects me) So I started questioning what was wrong with me. Then I started questioning if it was me at all. Towards the end of our marriage he befriended one of the guys at work that was openly gay. They'd hang out and one night I came home from work and he was over for dinner. That's cool. However, the part that I thought was weird was when I walked in my kitchen and there they are making dinner together like a cute little couple. And I pretty much was invisible. We ate dinner and then watched some TV (Desparate Housewives). When our co-worker left and I said, "I'm sure ____ will be more than happy to walk you out."
When my ex came back downstairs he asked me what that was about. Knowing full and well what he was talking about, I said I had no idea what he was referring to. Then he says something that I hear like it was yesterday. "Erin just because I don't like fucking you, doesn't mean I like fucking guys!" That one stung and still does. I wish there was a way for me to erase that from my memory.
Since then I can think of several times where guys I've dated said something that hurt and has stayed. let's give you the list. 1. "Erin, you're just not like my mom." (when talking about why he didn't want to date me.) 2. "I don't like staying at your place, you have dog fur." ( now I never let guys come over.) Now for the most recent 3. "... Then again maybe you enjoy being alone with a dog, going to a therapist every week and taking depression medication everyday. ...Being an asshole to someone i like so much isnt something i enjoy doing but you need a wake up call. You could do do so much better with yourself. "
Keep in mind that came from "Little Critter." Remember him? He's the subject of my "Cougar" blog.
Words hurt. No matter how old you are, how old the person is that they come from, or even how much time has passed.
14 comments:
I in no way mean to diminish the impact of what you feel. I was not there to feel it for you and I don't mean to tell you how to feel. With that said when I read some of the comments that you shared it makes me wonder. The guy that said you weren't like his mom is essentially saying it just isn't going to work. No one likes hearing that but its better than being in a long term relationship with a guy that has mommy issues. The guy that is complaining about dog hair is either just not the right guy for you or a vaccume cleaner before he gets over fixes everything. Finally, and most importantly the little critter may be to young and impetuous to understand what how hurtful he was being but he was trying to show you that you are an amazing person. I know you fairly well, obviously not well enough to say this to your face, but you are fantastic and I hate to see you be down on yourself for all of this stuff. You are a beautiful, smart, engaging, funny, quirky (in the good way) person. I hope you see that too.
well, i love you.
Yikers! Your husband said he didn't want to f*** you anymore. He is OBVIOUSLY gay or just a douchebag.
There is no way you can really tell somebody how much you want to have sex with them without sounding creepy, right? So to tell you how many oral sex acts I would LOVE to perform on you world be REALLY REALLY creepy. So I'll just keep that our little secret. Actually it will be my little secret since you don't know who I am... or DO you? Hmmm...
In conclusion: Yes! You ARE sexy! Yes! I would LOVE to do NASTY things with you! And YES! You would have an AMAZING time. But telling you this would be too creepy sounding so I'll just have to settle for your touch in my fantasies.
And by the way, I like your nose, your feet, your breasts and everything else you think needs to be fixed.
(This post is a follow-up to my last post from 24 hours ago.)
I'm confused. You point out how nasty remarks leave their marks but yet you never seem to notice the nice things people say.
I thought I made it clear that I thought you were sexy and attractive and I din't even get a "Thanks." While the guy who is rude gets your attention. Odd!
Maybe people are rude to you because they want to get your attention and they have discovered how to do it: Be mean.
I also noticed that you keep people in the cyber world at an arms length. Generally a good policy. But think about how boring the movie "You've Got Mail" would have been if Meg Ryan treated Tom Hanks as a "Cyber stalker" rather than a pen-pal. Not to spoil the ending of a movie everyone has PROBABLY seen, but she let's down her guard and they live happily ever after. (Of course there are movies where the girls don't fare as well, but we'll ignore those for now.)
CRAP! My Parole Officer is calling. I have to go. I'm not supposed to have a computer!!!
OK OK DIVER DAN!! If it makes you feel better that I acknowledge that you want to do nasty things to me...then THANKS??? I got a little busy and haven't responded to my comments ion the last few days. Oops SORRY!
I will say thanks for the compliments but the whole thing about doing nasty things to me is....a little weird. Considering I don't know you but...ehh whatever.
As for only responding to negative...that could be true. However as I've explained to someone before, I have a personality where if I feel ganged up on I try and defend myself.
That's something I'm working on!
Oh and probably would be a little apprehensive to meet up with some dude that just wants to do nasty things to me...instead of someone who enjoys my company.
Have a great weekend
@Lisa! I love you too! I miss your crazy butt!
to anonymous. Thanks for compliments and no offense was taken.
I'm sure that lil critter didn't understand what he was saying but at the same time he obviously knew it would hurt my feelings at the least.
And i hope I realize my fantastic-ness soon too! Maybe one of these days I won't be so hard on myself
Words definitely hurt, regardless of age. I've been hurt by words so many times in life. Whether it be about my weight/looks or people just being mean. I try to let words not affect me, but it's hard. Especially when you hear the same thing over and over again.
Of course I would also like to get to know you. But it does all start with a physical attraction. Yes, we humans are shallow indeed.
Help me out here: Is it better to establish a physical attraction before or after a friendship develops. I suppose the "fear" would be to slide into the dreaded "friend" zone. You know, where the guy becomes like a "friend" rather than something more. I imagine that would be the worst thing, although it's never happened to me personally. Why? Because I'm an up-front kind of guy. "Hey! I'm in real estate. Is this A LOT?" (I'll wait for the laughter to die down...)
I think it's important to show a healthy interest in the physical while still being mindful of the other connections that complete a relationship.
And keep in mind that I only shared those thoughts with you because you had mentioned how your husband negatively impacted your self image and self esteem. Though you did't use those words the point you made was clear. He damaged you. He is a jerk.
Commissioner Gordon is ringing my Bat phone off the god dammed hook! Between him and my busy-body butler trying to set me up with Baldwin's ex, I've had it!
XXoo
Diver dan,
Yes, looks are important, but you need to realize that almost all of the women that you think are gorgeous don't look like that when they wake up in the morning. Most women wake up 4's and head out the door above a 7.
Erin,
Do you feel bad for all the bad things you said about people? Didn't you write a post about 'butta" faces and "bug" eyes and seeing good-looking men with women that aren't very attractive?Haven't you also said bad things about the men you have been married to and have dated?
Of course I feel bad if I said something that hurt someone's feelings. However, the things I've said that hurt someone's I'm not aware of. Just like I'm sure my ex has no idea that what he said would have such an effect on me so many years later.
As for the "bad things" I've said about my ex(s)...as I explained to someone. What I write is true. I'm not writing to bad mouth or name call. It's usually to tell part of the story and give examples about the topic at hand.
I know that there are a few ex's that don't end up smelling like roses in here. But I'm not writing about them with the intent of hurting them. Not that this makes it ok...but I guess I figured since they hurt me I had a pass to write about my hurt and what they did.
I apologized just recently for blogging about someone. I wasn't aiming to hurt or bother anyone. I do apologize if anyone has ever been hurt by my blog
Anonymous: You are an idiot. That's why you ALWAYS let her wake up BEFORE you do. Which brings up another point: Why are you dating a woman who is only a 4??? Gad zooks man! Aim for the stars! Shoot for the moon! Have some guts to date above what you should!
Besides, if you're dating a 4 that makes you a zero. (Not that you said you were, but your remark about putting women on a numeric scale was pretty classless dude. Especially in a public forum.) Inner beauty can't be measured but ugly is to the bone. Don't be ugly.
I have to go shave my balls. Keepin' it classy Houston.
Diver Dan,
You idiot...I'm a woman. Talking about performing oral acts on a woman is really classy! Shaving should not take you too long, since you are very "tiny" in that area.
To Anonymous:
IS that the best you can do? Wow.
You see, a truly good zinger would have been much more clever. Yours was to simplistic. It lacked any imagination whatsoever. It was the equivalent of a knock-knock joke.
Let me show you how to really zing somebody. Let me use you as an example.
"Sorry to hear about your mother. How horrible for her when she found out YOU were her daughter. And at what should have been such a joyous event: the birth of a human."
"Your high school reunion was sad. There hasn't been so many guys gathered together who DIDN'T want to fuck you since, well... HIGH SCHOOL!"
Ok. Now those are proper singers. Your turn.
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