Not sure if it's the holidays or what, but lately I've been feeling as though I'm an island. That may sound a little weird to most, but to me it means I have this feeling of being alone.
The holidays are never an easy time of year for making me feel warm and fuzzy. Sure I decorate and put up a tree to feel more festive but typically I spend the holidays alone or working. My family has never been big at celebrating the holidays traditionally and now that I'm an adult I want to. So instead of flying back home and treating it like any other day, if I'm going to spend my Christmas non-traditionally I'd rather do my own thing.
A couple of years in a row I spent my Christmas and New Years in Europe alone. They were places that I've always wanted to go and even though I didn't speak the language I decided to take my chances and see what it was like in another part of the world for Christmas.
Another reason I feel like an island is because recently I've had some people close to me diagnosed with cancer. As I still try to wrap my head around what they're going through, I can't help but think what it might be like if that happened to me. The thought that often pops in my head is how alone I'd be. One friend is married and has her family nearby. She is very lucky to have so many people near her that care about her and are able to give a helping hand and support her.
When I had my lasik surgery and deviated septum surgery last year I planned on driving myself home from both of them. It wasn't until the doctor told me that I needed to have someone pick me up that I was able to leave. I just feel like if I were to get that devastating news I'd either be driving myself back and forth to chemo or become the charity case for people to look after.
Most nights of the week I spend at home and hang out with my dog. My phone rarely rings and most of the time if it does ring it's not from the people I want to call. What's funny is sometimes I might have someone show interest but usually I don't care enough to even go. Like I said I'm usually not interested.
I'm not trying to sound like a Debbie Downer I guess I've just been doing a lot of turning inward. I've been spending a lot of time by myself and doing my own thing that it scares me. It scares me that I'll always be this alone and by myself.
My family lives in Oregon. My really really best friends live in other states and well let's be honest...I've lived here in Houston now for 2 and 1/2 years and I'm not any closer to finding a significant other as the day I moved here. If anything, I'm probably getting further from it because I'm getting older and my shelf life is starting to get up there according to a lot of men.
I know there might be folks happy to have the absolute freedom I have. I have no one to answer to(literally) and I'm able to pickup and go whenever I want (money and God permitting). Sometimes hearing nothing but the voice inside your head gets a little old and it would be nice to have someone to rely on and care about you.
12 comments:
Wow, Erin, it's creepy how most everything you write is something I could have totally written. It's like we're twins.
I 100% understand this and feel the same way often. My "good" friends are all in other states I spend most nights/weekends at home. I never want to picture myself being alone forever, but sometimes it's hard not to.
Yes, I love my freedom, but it's nice to have people around too.
You are definitely not alone.
XOXO
Hey Erin,
You are not alone and I am sure that hundreds of people care about you and I am one of them
Erin you are the perfect women you have gorgeous looks wonderful personality and extremely smart.
You are not alone!
Erin, I have to say that I love reading your blog beacuse for once I don't feel like I'm the only person in the world feeling a certain way, or going through a certain situation.
I know you have heard many times that you are a very beautiful woman, and you truly are, people may not realize how much of a curse that can be. Ive heard numerous times that beautiful women can be the loneliest. I feel like it's harder to date as an attractive woman because people always have certain expectations of attractive people. They assume that things in life come easily and expect a level of perfection unattainable by any measure. When that person falls short, they are made to feel that there is something wrong with them when there's not. It's hard to trust because people use you to get something out of you. It's not just the guys you date but friends also. It's a vicious cycle one can't escape from.
I was dumped two weeks ago by a guy that other people considered me to be out of his league. Even though he was playing game and cheating, the Blane was given to me. "someone who is 5'5 and close to 200 lbs would never do something like that" The only thing I did wrong was loving someone who didn't love me.
My point is that it's NOT you. I read your blog and listen to you on the radio, I relate to everything you say because I'm goin through EXACTLY the same things. I care about you, as do many others, I know how it feels. Have a Merry Christmas an remember you are not alone.
No woman is too pretty to get a man! If you are, take off all your makeup, dress in sweats, don't do your hair, or cut it off..problem solved!!!!
I totally agree no woman is to pretty to get a man. But once you get that man a pretty woman can be treated like a trophy, or an accesory, or an object. Not a person. If a woman is extremely pretty or extremely ugly people can focus on the outside without ever taking the time to see past the outside to who they are on the inside. Telling a woman to tone herselfdown is just as bad as telling a woman to fix herself up. No one should have to change who they are to be accepted.
I'm 30 and I worked in EMS for 11 years. Since it's a predominately male profession I became good friends with a lot of guys and have gotten "guy advice" over the years. I have been told on several occasions that of they didn't know me they would be intimidated to approach me. Guys love competition but they hate to lose. If they think they'll lose most of the time they won't even try. The ones that take on the challenge are usually looking for just that. Once they "win" the thrill of the chase is gone and they start looking for their next conquest. One of my good friends told me several years ago that I would have an extremely hard time finding someone because it would take an extremely strong and secure guy to be with me. It's not all about looks because I'm by far not a 10 but it also comes down to my strength and independence. I've had a few guys end relationships with me because they are uncomfortable with the attention I get when we go out somewhere, even if it's to Chili's or Target. So I end up alone, feeling like crap like I'm the problem. In reality it's their insecurities that's the problem.
To anonymous number #1 and Stephanie I understand. I would not consider myself a 10 by any means but I've had multiple people say "I don't know why you're still single."
I even had an exboyfriend tell me as he was breaking up with me that 'I'll have no problem getting a boyfriend and there'll be so many guys hitting on me.'
Is that why i haven't had even 1 long term relationship since he dumped me and he's had multiple long term relationships and is probably engaged by now?
Stephanie I'm Like you and very independent. Sure I get lonely but if there's something I want to do I don't wait for there to be a man in my life to do it.
Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls that was a damsel in distress or had some issues that men felt Like they needed to take Care of me.
Like the exboyfriend I talked about...several if the girls that he dated before and after me had/have eating disorders. Obviously he liked to feel like he was a rescuer. (in my opinion)
A few friends of mine have also been told ...that it will take a special person to deal with our personalities and independence.
As much as I don't want any of us to feel lonely, it's good to know that even though we feel alone at times...we're not alone.
It may be a longer journey than most but Hopefully one that ends with a happy ending.
How is looking how you really look, toning yourself down?"No one should have to change who they are to be accepted". Um, isn't wearing makeup and doing your hair, getting botox, etc., changing who you are? As far as looks go, there are women that are models, beauty queens, actresses, and tv personalites, that "appear" far more gorgeous than any of us, and they have men!So, If Erin can't get a man becuase she is thin and has nice hair, how do these women get men? Are all you people saying that women that can get a man are less atrractive than you guys and that's why they don't want you? There are women that are surgeons, chemists, scientists that are smarter than any of us, that have men. If you want a man and can't find one ..it's you, not them!
Have a good Holiday!!
To the last anonymous. Wow! You're a vindictive ass!
Not only are you completely misconstruing what is said but then you're insulting people...and on Christmas no less. You are a treasure!
Sure pretty people can find someone and so can ugly people...who cares?
Maybe it's about quality and quantity. Maybe in a way sone of us choose to be alone than settle with someone just to have someone.
I'm sure we could all have a bf/gf if you wanted just anyone. Although you probably wouldn't truly be happy. So instead you stay single till you find what truly fits.
And maybe it's not me or them...maybe its all of us.
Can you tell me how I insulted you and everyone else? Bascially, I said there are women that are better looking and smarter than us and they have men. That's the truth, not an insult. You are always calling people "asses" and "idiots", but yet you think you are a treasure? Some women think if they call people names and talk about sex, body parts and bj's all the time, it makes them strong and funny. It doesn't.
Yep they do! Merry Christmas!
People who want a relationship, but stay single for a very long time are probably either too shy, way too picky, or unwittingly doing things to sabotage their chances to get to know another person. This includes both men and women.
The reason men appear to jump right back to another relationship, fling, one night stand, etc, shortly after a breakup is that their sex drive is so much stronger than a woman's in most cases. Hence most men can only go so long remaining celibate.
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