Thursday, June 21, 2012

HOW DO YOU MEASURE YOUR SELF-WORTH?

I had a co-worker hand me a piece of paper with some words of wisdom from the "Skinny Bitch" calendar. It read: "Don't you f$@&ing dare measure your worth by the amount of attention or validation you get from men. It's nice to be appreciated, but it's not a necessity. Love yourself and your looks, even if no one else seems to. In time, your confidence and self-love will attract a winner." As much as this is true, it's easier said than done. I have a few thoughts and questions.

 I know that confidence is key. People are attracted to people that are confident. There's a lot of men that aren't that attractive, but are confident and somehow get the girl. (Probably because he's rich) So I know that if you display that, you'll have more people come your way...in theory.

 In the "Skinny Bitch" quote it says "love yourself and your looks, even if no one else seems to." That is a statement that I have a hard time with. I'm a person that's especially hard on myself. I pick myself apart constantly. It's not always in an "I'm so fat and ugly" way, it's more like I compare myself. I tell myself things that I shouldn't to ease the blow if someone rejects me. For instance, say there's a guy that I'm attracted to and he dates someone else, I down play myself. I'll say "Oh no wonder he didn't like you, you don't make enough money." or "Maybe you're not skinny enough for that guy."

 Here's the thing, I know I'm not hideous. I know I'm not obese. I know that I'm not some lame chick to hang out with. However, I don't sit there and tell myself how pretty I am, or how hot I look in an outfit. I know I'm not a 10, but I know I'm not a 5.

 The "even if no one else seems to" is the toughest part of that statement. I have to say that I don't get a ton of compliments. I've never been one of those girls that had guys fawn all over them or received a lot of male attention. I do get compliments here and there, but it's usually from guys I would NEVER date. I'll give you 2 examples.

 I had drinks with 2 different guys. Guy #1 is a guy I'd never date. I just don't find him attractive at all. He asked me what my dating situation was. I told him that there wasn't one. I had nothing going on and no guys were in the picture. He just couldn't believe it. He started going off about how I should have guys all over me and blah blah blah. I kind of blew him off and dismissed his comments. Actually, it was kind of upsetting me because he's making such a production about how I should have guys from here to next Tuesday. When in actuality, the only guys that ever say that to me are guys like him.

 Now for the 2nd guy. He's very attractive. I think over the course of us having a few drinks he might've said one thing that could be perceived as a compliment. When he sort of asked about my guy situation, not once did he say "oh you're gorgeous you should have guys all over you." He just moved on from it. Granted, he did give me the comment that was semi-complimentary, but in no way did he sit there and start going off about it and fawn all over me.

 It just made me feel like, am I only attractive to guys that are not attractive? Is every guy that I find attractive not attracted to me? Do guys that I find attractive are they not the type of guy that will give a compliment?

 I guess what I'm trying to say is, It's hard to sit there and tell yourself that you're such an awesome package and have this great self esteem, when the only guys that seem to think you're so great are guys that resemble a garden gnome

Think about it, if you're on match.com and the only guys that ever seem to wink or send you an email are the guys that look like this guy...



What would you start telling yourself? Let me tell you, your self-esteem does take a hit. I wish I could say I was stronger than that, but I'm not going to lie. It kinds screws with ya.

 Especially when the guys you do find attractive seems to pass you by or just look at you as a friend or that cool chick that works on the radio.

How do you get/keep a healthy self image when most of what you attract is guys like that guy? <---------------

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're being too hard on yourself, but I have to ask "how do you know you're not a 10 or 5"? A true 10 is extremely rare since that person basically is considered universally attractive by majority. Even 9 thru 7 is rare since those represent very attractive people. A woman who is 7 or above won't have any trouble meeting men unless she stays home all the time. Most people are just 6 thru 4, which just means they're average in physical attractiveness. Besides looks is only important in the beginning and not that big of a deal in a lasting relationship.


If you really want an unbiased opinion on where you rank on the attractive scale, go sit at several different crowded bars alone without a friend. If many different men try to not only talk to you, but also ask you out, then you're considered attractive since there's no way men will ignore a true hottie sitting alone at a bar.

Anonymous said...

So, hideous equals obese? There was an article in The Huffington Post several months ago. The title was somethin like, what happens when you are only pretty because you are thin, or something like that. I think you need to read that article.

Erin Austin said...

I'm not saying that. However, obese is in a way hideous. 1. It's incredibly unhealthy!!! 2. It's unhealthy! 3. It's unhealthy.

There's not a doctor on the planet that is going to tell you being obese us a good thing. Why do think there's so many tv shows that are based on obese people becoming thinner? It's just a fact that being thinner equals healthy.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous.... get over it... obese IS hideous. Some people shouldn't leave the house given what they look like.

Charles Pergiel said...

I suspect you are probably a bit smarter than the average bear, so finding someone who is a mental match might be kind of tough. Do you know what you are looking for?

Anonymous said...

There are obese people that run marathons, so it is not always unhealthy. There are tons of tv shows about it, because it makes a lot of people in this world rich constantly talking about it. There are thin people that are very unhealthy. The fact that you don't know that shows how stupid you really are. Also, I've seen pictures of you without makeup and you are a 5. Get over yourself!!! You are very ugly on the inside, that's why you can't get a man!!!

Anonymous said...

anon #3

I have a sneaking suspicion that you are hideous. Good-looking people never talk about how other people are hideous. It's always the average or below average people that do so!

Erin Austin said...

To anonymous #4. I Couldn't disagree with you more.

I've never seen or heard of a morbidly obese person running a marathon. That statement is ridiculous. Maybe an overweight person, but NOT OBESE.

Here's the definition of obese:
o·bese/ōˈbēs/
Adjective:
Grossly fat or overweight.

As for the TV show making people money...of course people are making money off if it, but you can't deny that the general perception of someone overweight is unhealthy and less attractive. If you disagree with that then you're just being stubborn.

Before you say it...Sure are there plus size models. However, people don't base their products off those sizes.

And yes, there are unhealthy skinny people. Obviously there tons of people with eating disorders.

I'm speaking in generalities...you know percentages and averages.

So I'm sorry to tell you this, but I'm not stupid. I'm stating an obvious fact. And for you to sit there and think obese is healthy is just asinine. Our health care costs in America are going up exponentially because of obesity related illnesses and diseases. (Have you watched the news lately?)

You denying that fact, is not only ignorant but dangerous.

And for you to personally attack me shows what type of person you are. Obviously my factual talk about obesity hit home for you and you took it personally. So you decide to attack me to make yourself feel better. Did I call you fat or ugly? No I wasn't talking about you!! BUT...you sure think I did!

Just remember you're the person that started the name calling.

Anonymous said...

Actually, I run 6 miles/5 days a week and eat healthy and I have nice big tits,like a real women!!! You attack people all the time, to make yourself feel better, so I find it funny that you said that about me. I'm sorry, that you can't handle the truth about being average looking without makeup...you are!!!You deserve to hear that, because you are always putting down other women and men. If you can dish it out, then you should be able to take it. I didn't say obese was healthy. If you had a college degree and were able to comprehend what you read, you would have seen that I said, "so it is not always unhealthy." The news blows things out of proportion a lot of the time. Look, how nbc edited the Zimmerman tape. They know people like you, believe everything they hear and see. If you are as gorgeous as you seem to think you are, why can't you find a tv job, or get actress and modeling jobs? As far a plus size models go, they are usually 5 inches taller than you and range in size from 8 to 16. Most of them have better bodies than you. Just because you are thin, does not mean you have a nice body!! There are unhealthy skinny people , that are not anorexic but eat crap and eat a lot, drink and don't exercise. Their are people that you would think are fat that are anorexic. Anorexia is someone that does not eat enough for their bodies. You saying all this shit about obesity, is just your way of feeling superior than other people. I guess when you don't have anything else, that's what you have to do!

Erin Austin said...

WOW!! Bitter party of one!!! I see a person that's very angry and spits venom anonymously and hides behind a computer.

Let's go over a few things.

You rag on my education but use several words in the incorrect manner.

Example #1 "I have nice big tits,like a real women!!! "

I believe the word is WOMAN!!

Example #2 "Their are people that you would think are fat that are anorexic"

I believe you were trying to use the word "There."

Also, about your statement "If you are as gorgeous as you seem to think you are, why can't you find a tv job, or get actress and modeling jobs?"

Clearly you weren't reading when I said I constantly am picking myself apart and am telling myself horrible things about my looks.

I'm not sure how I need to spell it out for you but here it goes...AT NO TIME HAVE I EVER CALLED MYSELF GORGEOUS!

Hopefully the bigger font will help you read that a little better.

And who in the world says I want to be an actress or model? That has never been one of my goals or desires.

Obviously, you're in denial over what the facts are about obesity in America. I do believe the news, along with doctors that I've seen talk on the subject.

I know losing weight is hard. I wish you the best of luck on your journey to becoming a healthy person.

By the way, thanks for continuing to read my blog! I really appreciate it! :)

Anonymous said...

Yes, I saw my mistakes after I sent it.Most people think faster then they write and I did not go back and edit. I deserve you doing that and knew you would. Um, should I point out all your mistakes? One time you wrote "die" for hair color. Should I go on? Don't you hide behind a mic and computer? I mean, you talk about how obese people are not attractive and how some women have butta faces and on and on and on. Why don't you tell all these people these things to their faces? If you really were picking yourself apart, you would think you were a 5, which is average. This was written, because you want people to give you compliments and lie to you. You want them to tell you that it's not your fault you can't get a man.

Erin Austin said...

You must really know me. For as much as read and remember my blog word for word.

Thanks again for reading my blog and God Bless. :)

Erin Austin said...

Oh congrats on the big tits! Good for you!

Anonymous said...

This comment thread sort of proves why men are still in charge in every society. A lot of women just can't get along with themselves, can't let things go easily, take online insults seriously, and often resort to cat fights. Guys can just let things go easily and ignore the anonymous haters.

It's probably best to just ignore that anonymous hater's post.

Erin Austin said...

You know that's actually great advice. Also, very true about why men are still in charge.

As much as I try to ignore it...sometimes someone catches me on an off day and gets under my skin. (Mission accomplished for Tits McGee.)

However, I'll try even harder in the future to ignore that hater or any other hater's post.

Charles Pergiel said...

I recommend the delete key. Paying any attention to trolls just encourages them.

zaid said...

Erin I dont think you are ten but you are 9.9
Dear Anonymous the only reason that Erin is single is because she wants a guy perfect in every thing and there is nothing wrong with that But i am telling you erin is hot and very pretty and cool and awsome and wonderful and gorgeous and smart.

Anonymous said...

I'm the guy in that photo. I'm very very insulted!! All this time, I thought I was a babe magnet ;-)

Anonymous said...

Remember, the guys you find attractive probably have a lot of options too. It'd be nice to date outside one's league, but a woman's attractiveness to attractive men start to fade away incredibly fast once they start to hit mid 30s, already have kids, or have been divorced.

Try putting up some new pictures and smile a lot in them. You'll likely start to get many messages.

Cardinalsfan71 said...

WOW is all I have to say!! Erin - to be in the public spotlight like you are and to have to deal with idiots like Big Tits McGee - congrats to you!!! I would lose my composure very quickly!! To be able to handle a person like that with grace and humility speaks to your character - an attribute which most "normal" men are looking for. Instant attraction is important, but not the most important!!!

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled on your blog and I think it's great. Everything you're writing about has happened to me too so I've got to believe that it isn't you but rather it's the men you're to whom you're attracted. I'm the same way...I have typically been the type of person who quickly dismisses a guy when I don't find him super attractive from the very beginning. However, I'm learning that sometimes the guys we pass up rather quickly are the ones that treat us the best. Don't get me wrong, I have not lowered my standards and do not date just anyone. However, I look to more than just looks now. I look for great conversation and a connection. I don't know about you but after being with someone that shows me respect, doesn't stand me up, stays true to his word and so many other great qualities I find myself becoming attracted after spending a bit of time with them. For instance the guy I'm with now is not someone I typically would have dated in the past. I can't begin to tell you how many times I would tell my girlfriends about things he would do that I found to be "strange." Little things such as taking me to a paint class on one of our first dates (none of the other guys I've been out with have even suggested that!) and during that date he noticed paint about to drip on me and wiped it away so it wouldn't get on my clothes. That swift move by him was so alien to me and I felt like all the other women were just staring at us! After talking about it to my friends every single one of them thought it was the sweetest thing he could do. I had to do a lot of self talk to remind myself that I am worthy of someone who treats me this way. All the men I've dated before were bastards...all treating me the same you've described in your past blogs. I realize now that I allowed them to treat me that way.

So how do I measure my self worth? I measure it in how I allow others to treat me. I no longer am I immediately drawn to an attractive man...who by the way are 99.5% of the time narcissistic liars...I wait for them to show me who they really are by their actions. Words just don't cut it anymore. I let them pursue me and let me just say it's definitely different than a game of cat and mouse. You can find a lot out about a man by just sitting back and watching how he interacts with you when he's interested. I'm worth more...and so are you. Hold out for someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated and make no concessions. You'll see your self worth will be defined more than just outward beauty.