Wednesday, May 16, 2012


The older we get, the more of us are having kids. And with the way things are going in our society, many of us become divorced with kids. Frankly, past the age of 30 there's more and more of that.

So how does it work when dating a person with kids? There's a few things that I wonder about.

Say I meet a guy that has a couple kids with another woman. We start dating and things become serious. In his heart and mind are you always second best when it comes to the baby mama?

For instance, a couple that was together for years and then gets a divorce or whatever, is the woman that he ends up with him next never as good as the woman that gave him children?  Does the mother of his kids always place number 1 in his heart?  What if the relationship ended horribly?

The reason I ask this is because I've never really known if I wanted kids. When I was married I didn't want them with him. Mr. Dallas on the other hand, I thought he would've made a great dad; but since him, I haven't really dated anyone long enough to even go and think of kids. So I haven't.

Nor have I really dated a guy with kids.  Typically, I've shied away from it because I've always felt there was going to be more drama then I wanted to deal with, or frankly, deserved to deal with. However, the years are ticking away, and it's becoming more and more apparent that I may meet a guy with kids one of these days. And then what?

(Side Note: Kids to me are a huge decision and if I ever had them I'd want a partner that would be a great parent and be there…period.  Kids are not something I take lightly.  They are for the rest of your life.  And I refuse to have kids with just anyone and do it part-time.  I want the father of my kids (if I ever were to have them) to be best man I've ever met.  Because I'll be connected to them forever.  I don't want to be connected to some douche just to get my 2.5 children. )

Back on topic here...

I know that for the most part you're always gonna hold a place in your heart for people that once meant a lot to you.  The mother of your children should.  However, I think most women want to be with a man and have them think of her as the "greatest love of his life."  No one wants to go into a relationship with anyone where their heart is with someone else. 

So when the man finds someone new, does the new woman have an uphill battle when it comes to his love? Is she ever going to mean much to him? Or does the mother of the kids always rank first?  


Chris Nap said...

HI Erin,

This topic hits pretty close to home for me, being the single dad, looking for that next perfect person to have in my life. I understand where your question is coming from, but I don't think you can look at the kids situation in generalities. Each guy you meet is going to have baggage of some sort.

When it comes to kids, there's a reason why the guy and his ex aren't together anymore. Maybe she left him because he was chasing tail. Maybe he left her for the same reason. When you look at that situation, you need to understand the reason for the split and what the relationship is with him and his ex.

In my case, my ex walked out on me and my son for another guy 9 months after my son was born. While yes she is my son's mother, I would never consider her better than who I choose to be with next. I do still talk to my ex, but it's as little as possible because I don't want her in my life.

So, it really depends on the guy, the reason why he split with his ex and what the relationship with the ex is like today. Sure you might run into the douche bag, but hopefully your other methods of making sure he's a decent guy will catch that first.

Anonymous said...

Each situation is different for dating a guy with kids as Chris mentioned. You'll have to use your own judgment regarding that.

When it comes to having kids or not, or any other big life decisions to do anything, if you wait for everything to be perfect or nearly perfect(perfect guy, financial situation, career, etc), you'll most likely end up waiting forever. This applies to anything else in life as well. At times, it's much better to take a risk and live with the decision. If you generally like kids, then you should have one. What's there to lose? If you end up having kids and they're dumb, crazy, or ugly, you'll likely end up regretting it during your old age. However, if you like kids, but decided not to have them, you'll probably regret it also when you're old. Thus, just go for it. Not much downside.

Anonymous said...

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Cardinalsfan71 said...

Good morning Erin!! As Chris stated, each situation is different. I am divorced and have two girls, 15 and 14. I still talk to their mother because I have to - and will always have to because as long as the kids are part of my life, she will have to be. HOWEVER, I have no feelings for her whatsoever outside of wishing her the best because she is the mother of my kids. I have been emotionally unattached to her for many was a process though - a long process.

There is a big difference dating a person that is recently divorced vs. dating a person that has been divorced for many years. Divorce recovery takes many years, whether people are willing to admit it or not. If you do find a person with kids that you would like to date, just make sure that they are fully recovered from their divorce. They may say they are, but find out how long it has been since it was final - that will give you a good clue.