Wednesday, March 21, 2012
AM I BITTER?
The other day I had an interview for a dating reality show. No it wasn't for "The Bachelor." In the interview they asked me about my past relationships and what my dating life is like now. One question that stuck with me after all my story telling was, "Erin are you hopeful about love or do you think you're just bitter?' Ouch!! That stung a little. However, it made think. Actually it made me paranoid. I starting wondering what I come off like to people.
I'll admit, there is a part of me that is bitter. Although, there are several other parts of me too. Let's start with the positive.
I am hopeful about finding love. I mean, why in the world would I still keep looking? I still keep trying. I still throw my money down for my match.com membership. I still look for an attractive guy when I'm out. Granted, My tenacity has faded, but I still keep hoping and praying to sweet baby Jesus that all my effort isn't in vain. Hell, I still write about love in this blog. If I'd given up all hope on love I'd probably start writing a blog about knitting sweaters.
I'm part cynical. I've seen too many of my friends and heard too many stories where girls were cheated on or where the was some shadiness going on. I guess I think I'm no better than they are. So why wouldn't that happen to me? Maybe the other part that makes me cynical is I've been friends with a lot of boys that behave badly and know how they treat girls.
I'm scared. I'm absolutely petrified that if I let someone in that they'll just hurt me. That's actually a reoccurring dream I've had for years. I remember when I was married having a dream where my ex would do something to hurt me and when I would confront him about he wouldn't care. I had that dream a lot over that course of the marriage. When I dated Mr. Dallas I didn't start getting that dream until the end of our relationship.
Since I haven't had a long term relationship in years I haven't had the dream a lot. It's happened a few times, but usually the person is faceless.
Now, I'm sure there are a few people reading this thinking, "Wow this girl sounds like a hot mess!" And I'm sure there is a t least one person reading this that is saying, "I totally get it. You sound just like me." Whatever way you perceive me, know that there are many layers.
My bitter side. I have some bitterness towards my ex husband. It started when one of the reasons I wanted to get separated was because he pretty much stopped having sex with me. Then he immediately started banging some young college girl that worked at Old Navy. (Maybe he wanted the discount.) That made me bitter.
After my divorce I wanted to find love again and maybe get married again someday. I found it for a bit but it didn't last and I found myself back at square one. Since then I haven't a relationship last more than a few months, while my ex husband has gotten remarried and has a family. Mr. Dallas has been in one serious relationship after another and for all I know he could be engaged. Things that both of them told me they didn't want, but now have or are well on their way and I'm no closer to it than the day we split. My bitterness is because I don't understand why. Why do they have something that I want when they acted like they never wanted it, yet I want it and can't seem to find it to save my life?
It just doesn't seem fair and I have a hard time with that. So, am I bitter? Maybe. I am I hopeful? Yes. Am I scared? Yes. Am I fearful that I may never find true love and that there isn't someone out there for me? Yes. Without a doubt. Does the long wait to find him make me impatient and sometimes doubtful. Yes. And that long wait combined with past experience makes me a probably bitter about love. Although, I'm still gonna try and find it.
In the meantime, let's enjoy a good bitter bitch song.