I'll be honest, In my month of being on match.com I'm starting to get rather disappointed. I've had 1 date and a lot winks from dudes that are about 55 years old and look as if they haven't seen a shower, razor, or their toes in about 7 years. Needless to say, I'm starting to wonder if God is playing a horrible joke on me.
The 1 date I did have was fine. Nothing bad, but nothing super fantastic either. I think some of his actions prior to our date made it hard for me to consider him as a match for me. (We'll get to that in another blog) The thing is, after that date I got a little gun shy to date more. Every time a date goes down in flames, so to speak, I wonder if I'm ever going to find anyone.
What's more frustrating is the times when I actually have the balls to wink or email a guy myself, I don't seem to get any response back. Or if I do get a response back they email back once and then vanish and aren't to be heard from again. I'm starting to feel like the 55 year old men that I don't respond to. Or the guy that hasn't seen his toes in years. Am I that hideous that that's the reason I'm not getting any responses?
I don't understand. Is God testing my patience? Because if he is...it'd be nice if he'd throw me a bone here and there. I've always kind of thought it, but I'm really starting to think that there really is something that makes me undateable. Or is God trying to tell me that the man of my dreams is in his 50's and smells like KFC? What is wrong with me?
I'm going to try to keep my head up and hope that at the end of all these frogs there's going to be one great prince. If not, then I'm going to need a few more vibrators...and batteries!
Best of luck on our quest for love.
9 comments:
At the end of the day all fingers point back to those looking external.
You should ask yourself about what you are projecting to those who you choose to date. There are all sorts of articles on what are prohibitive convo pieces for people to share on dates (I'm sure expressions that you need vibrators by the train load are on that list - even if for humor sake. This would be the same for a guy who proclaims he cranks away to vats o' porn. off putting).
Also, perhaps it’s how you treat not only the guys that you are interested in, but those around you. How a woman treats those around her is an indication of how much empathy, compassion, respect, self worth, and integrity among other qualities.
Another factor may be that you do not really know what you are looking for. Do you have a prioritized list of what matters? And before anyone dogs you on this one, yes, attraction does matter, but it has to go beyond that. Way beyond that. And while you have commented about how you've taken it in the chin when you were married because you loved him, perhaps it’s time to revisit the mental list and write down a list of all qualities that you seek in a potential partner. Prioritize and be honest with yourself. You should be seeking an equal so make sure you truly are exhibiting similar qualities to what you seek. If you do not, it's time for a little Erin "tune-up.” And I do not mean you need to go to a "shrink" as you've commented in the past that you have gone through those steps.
A fourth recommendation is to evaluate where you are in your life. Do you go out all the time? I believe you're in your 30s and at a certain point any guy in your age group does not want to be dealing with the girlfriend who is also wasted or drunk (I'm not saying this is your case) What are your friends like? What sort of activities do you partake that go beyond "I like to have fun"? You know the kind that shows that you can give to people outside of just your own selfish interest. Do you have a schedule that allows you to date someone in a serious manner? You have to make time to connect and if you're working crazy hours or never make room for quality time in your schedule that will be a problem.
Finally, and perhaps the most important, are you emotionally available? Are you at a point where you are confident of who you are to share with someone else? If someone gets "too close for comfort,” can you handle the intimacy or are you a jack ass who self sabotages or runs away? Do you love yourself? A man cannot admire or love you any more than he sees that you love yourself.
Like any endeavor, you have to really put effort into being a "match.” If you think it will simply materialize, that may be your most prohibitive encumbrance. Complaining or whining about it certainly will not drive prince charming into your arms. Is not the cliché that insanity is to repeat the same action while expecting a different result?
I'm sure you'll have a lot of gals who quip "amen" to your gripe and a lot of guys that extend some "cheesy" invite to let them fill your void. Whatever the case, if this topic is something of worth to you, as it seems like a constant concern for you on this blog, perhaps you may want to actually take some "worthwhile" advice and put into action a plan to help reach your goal of what sounds to be your desire to find your counterpart in a man. If I was a guy who bets, this like the many other whining sessions will not prompt you to any action and it will be another month or so where you voice the similar gripe. It must be tough to have the eternal life challenges that no one can ever seem to remedy. Some folks I guess find "currency" in the unsolvable issue. Best of luck to you...
At the end of the day all fingers point back to those looking external.
You should ask yourself about what you are projecting to those who you choose to date. There are all sorts of articles on what are prohibitive convo pieces for people to share on dates (I'm sure expressions that you need vibrators by the train load are on that list - even if for humor sake. This would be the same for a guy who proclaims he cranks away to vats o' porn. off putting).
Also, perhaps it’s how you treat not only the guys that you are interested in, but those around you. How a woman treats those around her is an indication of how much empathy, compassion, respect, self worth, and integrity among other qualities.
Another factor may be that you do not really know what you are looking for. Do you have a prioritized list of what matters? And before anyone dogs you on this one, yes, attraction does matter, but it has to go beyond that. Way beyond that. And while you have commented about how you've taken it in the chin when you were married because you loved him, perhaps it’s time to revisit the mental list and write down a list of all qualities that you seek in a potential partner. Prioritize and be honest with yourself. You should be seeking an equal so make sure you truly are exhibiting similar qualities to what you seek. If you do not, it's time for a little Erin "tune-up.” And I do not mean you need to go to a "shrink" as you've commented in the past that you have gone through those steps.
A fourth recommendation is to evaluate where you are in your life. Do you go out all the time? I believe you're in your 30s and at a certain point any guy in your age group does not want to be dealing with the girlfriend who is also wasted or drunk (I'm not saying this is your case) What are your friends like? What sort of activities do you partake that go beyond "I like to have fun"? You know the kind that shows that you can give to people outside of just your own selfish interest. Do you have a schedule that allows you to date someone in a serious manner? You have to make time to connect and if you're working crazy hours or never make room for quality time in your schedule that will be a problem.
Finally, and perhaps the most important, are you emotionally available? Are you at a point where you are confident of who you are to share with someone else? If someone gets "too close for comfort,” can you handle the intimacy or are you a jack ass who self sabotages or runs away? Do you love yourself? A man cannot admire or love you any more than he sees that you love yourself.
Like any endeavor, you have to really put effort into being a "match.” If you think it will simply materialize, that may be your most prohibitive encumbrance. Complaining or whining about it certainly will not drive prince charming into your arms. Is not the cliché that insanity is to repeat the same action while expecting a different result?
I'm sure you'll have a lot of gals who quip "amen" to your gripe and a lot of guys that extend some "cheesy" invite to let them fill your void. Whatever the case, if this topic is something of worth to you, as it seems like a constant concern for you on this blog, perhaps you may want to actually take some "worthwhile" advice and put into action a plan to help reach your goal of what sounds to be your desire to find your counterpart in a man. If I was a guy who bets, this like the many other whining sessions will not prompt you to any action and it will be another month or so where you voice the similar gripe. It must be tough to have the eternal life challenges that no one can ever seem to remedy. Some folks I guess find "currency" in the unsolvable issue. Best of luck to you...
"Do you love yourself? A man cannot admire or love you any more than he sees that you love yourself."
Excellent response anonymous. I think all of us looking for Mr./Mrs. Right could benefit from this reflection.
Anon # 1 made some good points in general. Not sure how many relate to you Erin. In general I think everyone could benefit from these recommendations.
However,(not that you asked but) I really think the problem is you attract & are attracted to real creeps. And to top that off you don't realize they're creeps until after things sour.
Keep in mind the guys that have the slick come ons & aggressively persue women are probably just casting there line to see how many they can get. Stay away from that type if you want marriage.
And for heavens sake, quit texting, phoning or e-mailing guys. Let them persue you. They like the hunt.
What about your profile on POF? Were you not getting any hits there? Its gamble, whenever you put yourself out there you have to take the good with the bad. It sucks.....sometimes the bad out weighs all the good. I say....Just keep positive and endure the race set before.
I am a little older than you, but I was on a dating site for 2 months, met 4 guys... two are good friends now, and one I am seeing regularly. I had great luck finding very nice looking guys. I didn't wait for them to find me... I searched for them... and found them all. I am pleased with the results.
Well after some constructive criticism, I'm going to redo my profile. I can see that it looks like a laundry list and it appears to be a nit of an issue.
Thanks to everyone on the insight. Happy keekdend!
Hi Erin. Love your posts and listening to you on Thursdays. Here is my take on your post. It's long so I'm just putting the link to my blog where I gave my feedback.
http://www.daddyrose.com/2012/03/random-thoughts-vol-75.html
Good luck!
I've had the same type of experience with online dating. I've actually never been on a date with a person I met through an online site, but I've really only had responses from older men. Nothing against older, but I'd really like to stay in my age range.
Like you, the few guys I've tried to make contact with don't respond.
Online dating is so confusing!
Good luck to you!
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