Wednesday, November 9, 2011
THE QUEST TO BE PERFECT
People have called me shallow. Some have said that I'm a mean person. They've criticized me for being picky and have even called me a bitch. Even though it doesn't feel good, it's funny because what they may not know is how much I criticize myself.
I constantly struggle with being able to accept myself for who I am and picking apart every aspect of myself. In fact, just today while I was at the gym I got a little emotional as looked across the gym at some girl that was rather chesty and built. As I'm sweating my butt off on the step mill I remember thinking "Gawd, Erin! No wonder you're single! With girls walking around with boobs and a body like that there's no way a guy will ever date you."
I sometimes work out 2x a day hoping that I'll love what I see in the mirror one day. As it is, I look at myself in the mirror daily and pick out every flaw. When I say every flaw...I mean it. I sometimes think about if I had an endless supply of money what would I get fixed on myself.
I even made a little drawing to show people the parts of my body I criticize.
If you can't tell from the fine diagram that I drew for you, let me direct you to every part that wish looked different. Let's go front to back.
1. Nose -- this is a part that I've wanted to change since I was a child. It's crooked and the septum is deformed. (deformed was my doctor's word...not mine)
2. Boobs -- this is a weird one for me because I'm not totally unhappy with them , but I feel that since I'm not built like Chesty McDaniels then I'm not good enough.
3. Stomach and hips -- I just wish it was flatter and there wasn't any muffin top.
4. Inner thighs -- They touch and can't stand it.
5. Ass -- It looks like a road map and I bend over in the mirror to see what it looks like if I were in that special moment.
6. Hamstrings -- Again, it looks like a road map and I've even gone in for a consult with a doctor to see how I might be able to get rid of my cellulite.
When I see girls like Chesty McDaniels I get sad because I start tearing myself apart. I tell myself that no guy will ever like me unless I'm perfect. If I'm not perfect then I'll never be good enough for someone. So I sit there are critique every part that I think needs to be fixed and think about the ways I could fix them. Hence why I work out 2x a day most days of the week.
I think a lot of women feel they need to be perfect. Whether it's induced by our inner thoughts or we feel we need to impress other people because of celebrities that appear to be perfect, women put a pressure on ourselves to be perfect and sexy. Why do you think so many girls send naughty shots of themselves? They're seeking approval and are wanting to be good enough.
I know that to some people (or a lot) I sound crazy. I know there are people that are going to say "OH MY GOD!! If you don't like how you look, what must you think of me!?" Well...it has nothing to do with them. This is about the pressure we (I) put on ourselves. It's the horrible habit I have of comparing myself to others. The self talk that I have in my head that tells me why I may be single for the rest of my life. It's how convince myself that I may never be good enough for someone.
Deep down we all want acceptance, to feel sexy, wanted, or good enough. I know no one is perfect. I hope someone will take my imperfections and still think I'm perfect.