People have called me shallow. Some have said that I'm a mean person. They've criticized me for being picky and have even called me a bitch. Even though it doesn't feel good, it's funny because what they may not know is how much I criticize myself.
I constantly struggle with being able to accept myself for who I am and picking apart every aspect of myself. In fact, just today while I was at the gym I got a little emotional as looked across the gym at some girl that was rather chesty and built. As I'm sweating my butt off on the step mill I remember thinking "Gawd, Erin! No wonder you're single! With girls walking around with boobs and a body like that there's no way a guy will ever date you."
I sometimes work out 2x a day hoping that I'll love what I see in the mirror one day. As it is, I look at myself in the mirror daily and pick out every flaw. When I say every flaw...I mean it. I sometimes think about if I had an endless supply of money what would I get fixed on myself.
I even made a little drawing to show people the parts of my body I criticize.
If you can't tell from the fine diagram that I drew for you, let me direct you to every part that wish looked different. Let's go front to back.
1. Nose -- this is a part that I've wanted to change since I was a child. It's crooked and the septum is deformed. (deformed was my doctor's word...not mine)
2. Boobs -- this is a weird one for me because I'm not totally unhappy with them , but I feel that since I'm not built like Chesty McDaniels then I'm not good enough.
3. Stomach and hips -- I just wish it was flatter and there wasn't any muffin top.
4. Inner thighs -- They touch and can't stand it.
5. Ass -- It looks like a road map and I bend over in the mirror to see what it looks like if I were in that special moment.
6. Hamstrings -- Again, it looks like a road map and I've even gone in for a consult with a doctor to see how I might be able to get rid of my cellulite.
When I see girls like Chesty McDaniels I get sad because I start tearing myself apart. I tell myself that no guy will ever like me unless I'm perfect. If I'm not perfect then I'll never be good enough for someone. So I sit there are critique every part that I think needs to be fixed and think about the ways I could fix them. Hence why I work out 2x a day most days of the week.
I think a lot of women feel they need to be perfect. Whether it's induced by our inner thoughts or we feel we need to impress other people because of celebrities that appear to be perfect, women put a pressure on ourselves to be perfect and sexy. Why do you think so many girls send naughty shots of themselves? They're seeking approval and are wanting to be good enough.
I know that to some people (or a lot) I sound crazy. I know there are people that are going to say "OH MY GOD!! If you don't like how you look, what must you think of me!?" Well...it has nothing to do with them. This is about the pressure we (I) put on ourselves. It's the horrible habit I have of comparing myself to others. The self talk that I have in my head that tells me why I may be single for the rest of my life. It's how convince myself that I may never be good enough for someone.
Deep down we all want acceptance, to feel sexy, wanted, or good enough. I know no one is perfect. I hope someone will take my imperfections and still think I'm perfect.
15 comments:
Erin,
I think the issue isn't with your physical self. It's with how you present yourself when you open your mouth or post your blog.
Checking your own ass out in the mirror to see how it looks during that "special moment" is crazy! Trust me when I tell you, it's not your ass that needs the work.
Ask yourself how it is that you, a great looking woman is a man repellent. Mean while there are women who are less attractive but have no problem finding and keeping a man.
Spend less time checking out your ass and more time looking yourself in the eye.
Trust me when I tell YOU...I do look at myself in the eye and what's wrong with the inside. Which according to you it's a lot. I guess I'll figure it ALL Out one day
Maybe you're just over-thinking the whole relationship thing.
Relax! You are a great looking girl, a winning smile and much to offer.
(I understand I just eliminated myself from a possible date by posting on your blog! Damn!)
Have a great weekend Erin. I wish I could give you a big ol' bear hug.
Erin,
You look at your ass in the mirror just to see how it may look in that "special moment" that is just beyond crazy, I do not think its your body, it is something up stairs. You talk down about your body all the time, you need to be happy with what God gave you and stop bitching and crying over a little wrinkle or inner thighs that touch a little.
I have seen you in person before and you look really beautiful, a lot of girls would love to have half of what you have, so stop bitching about your muffin top or cellulite.
Lets just say, You had millions to do all the cosmetic surgery that you wanted in your diagram.
You made a appointment to have the surgery done, than what next, you still will find flaws in your body.
Erin, you are not alone. We all have issues with our bodies.
I've just recently lost 143 pounds, I have about 20 pounds to go, but I still see myself in the mirror and see the same flaws that I saw when I weighed 306 pounds. Sure, I'm a happier and healthier person, but the way I feel about parts of my body are still there.
With the extreme weight loss I've developed a lot of loose/saggy skin in my stomach and arms. It's very unflattering. When I'm fully clothed I look great and you can't tell, but if I'm naked it's not so pretty.
I'm single and the thing I'm most afraid of in dating is letting someone see me, and my flawed body, naked. Crazy, right? LOL
So, don't worry, we all have flaws that we worry about. We judge ourselves more than anyone else ever will. It's natural.
I just know that you will find that special someone soon. I hope I do too.
Hang in there!
Greis!! That's a amazing!!! I'm so proud of you!!! You should be so proud of your accomplishment.
I understand what you're saying about the naked thing. That's a toughie...because you've worked so hard and have accomplished so much but you still look better naked!
Oy! So frustrating!
Again...I'm so proud of you!
Yes, so frustrating. I mean, yes I do look so much better now and I feel so much better now...but I still see flaws.
Thanks for the good wishes!!!
Do you just write this blog so people will tell you that you are pretty? Just because people tell you that, does not mean you are. Just because they don't, does not mean that you're not? Having people tell you you are pretty has more to do with image than acutally being pretty. Do you understand what I'm saying? If a woman is thin, under 50, has long hair, and wears makeup she will be considered prettier than someone that does not have any of these things. This is why I think you should not put so much emphasis on what is on the outside. Eventually, you are going to put on weight, have to cut your hair and have to spend thousands on makeup that does not settle in all your wrinkles. Then what are you going to do? I think that you should go 6 months without concentrating on how you look. Go without makeup, don't fix your hair and don't wear clothes that show off your body. I think this will help you to focus and fix what is on the inside. I know this sounds weird, but I think it will help you.
Erin:
I just read your blog, and I have to tell you this: You are not alone in thinking the way that you do. I've had times in my life where I wonder how things would have been if I would have handled things differently, but this had more to do with things that happened in high school or college, or during my previous times in radio (I spent 10 1/2 years in radio before I eventually came back to graduate school!).
As far as your body is concerned, I think you're wonderful just the way you are (even though I've never met you and still would like to!). But I also think it should be up to you to decide what you do as far as the human body is concerned, and not let other outside forces dictate what you do.
The same goes for personality, as well. I work with students all the time, and I can tell you, each of them has a personality of their own that comes in various forms.
Unless they are rude or inconsiderate, which thankfully I've never come across, I've always been accepting of students' personalities. The point I'm trying to make is that you must never let outside forces dictate what you do with you life. YOU, MY DEAR, are in control!!
Just thought I'd share that with you!!
I dont write the blog to fish for compliments. Compliments are more effective when unsolicited. I write about this because i'm open and want to know if there is anyone that does/thinks the same way I do. So many people are insecure but do things to mask it. I put it out there in hopes that I'll find people who can relate and maybe we can encourage eachother vs. Tearing down.
Even if everyone wrote a comment saying "Oh Erin...you're pretty!" I wouldn't believe them because I'd think they were just trying to make feel better.
I think part my problem stems from dating guys that picked be apart and now I think every guy will pick me apart...dies that make sense? Almost like pavlov's dog. Like I've been trained to expect it.
I hate to tell you this, but "unsolicited" compliments are often lies too. That's why I said having people think you are pretty has more to do with image than actually being pretty. That's why you should not put much stock in your looks. Eventually, nothing you do (makeup, hair, botox) is going to help. Old age takes all that away. It's best to realize that now and focus on other things, before it's too late.
LOVE the diagrams btw, lol.
You don't sound too shallow, you honestly sound like every Texas girl I grew up with...honest and straight forward. You tell it like it is, whether the truth hurts or not. Even to yourself. There are guys out there like me that respect that and look for that. Just make sure it doesn't destroy your relationships or your inner voice, lol. Find some balance and positivity. I'm guessing you're in your mid to lower 20's (no offense at all) so social self consciousness is still pretty dominant.
Don't wanna get too psychologist or make a social statement so I'll make it brief, lol, a lot of what you're feeling has been ingrained in you by other people and society...it says look this way, have this shape, or you don't fit in....after so many years you actually believe it and look down on yourself because you don't match it. And the sad part is the MAJORITY of us don't even match up to the perfect shape...so to me, being perfect is something I don't aim for anymore nor do I look for it in a girl. It will never be reached because it isn't real.
However, exercising and eating healthy IS important and reachable...these are things for your health that to me are more important than looks because if you FEEL healthy, you will give off that glow and feel better about yourself. Unless you're just one of those people who loves to be in misery, lol, this could also be a factor. Are you?
But I find a girl who is comfortable with herself just the way she is the MOST attractive. Girls, to me, who try to tan or get fake parts are just trying to keep up with everyone and fill in that insecurity in themselves....and to that, some people might need it so they can feel a mild level of happiness. But I don't want that type of girl that will need something outside of herself to feel happy. I've been with a girl like that and it was miserable. If she feels secure in herself and her body, then she will stay fit and eat well to maintain it and live a healthy life.
Feel good about yourself, be who you are, and I promise the guy you are with will see you as a gift from God. If you are unhappy with yourself, you might not be able to make someone else happy, you're right....so time to change that. Stop making yourself feel like crap, do things that make you feel happy and good about yourself...then share that with someone.
As for the Anonymous guy hatin' on you...it's easy to hide your name and criticize other people, but to put yourself out there in front of others and invite comments takes balls...so kudos Erin. Hopefully someone will make you happy so you stop looking down on yourself.
-C
Thanks CesarAG! I'm working on not being so hard on myself. Although it's tough after years of bring trained that way.
I know that No one is perfect and I realize im not ever going to be...sometimes I feel that if I'M not perfect that I won't be find anyone. I've dated sine guys in the past that were rather anal and particular about me and things I'd say or do. So now I put myself through the ringer before I give a guy a chance to.
All I can do is take it one day at a time and hope that a light bulb gies off one of these days
@ mean anon #1&2
Its not crazy checking out your butt in the mirror. I think its really common to check yourself out in a mirror to find your good points & bad points.
Many times I've looked at myself sans clothes in the mirror & thought, "Gee, my boobs look great today. A bit fuller, I must be retaining water." Then I have to check my but to see if its bigger too.
If you're trying to say you never do that, you're lying!!!!
Erin,
As long as I have a face, you'll always have a place to sit.
Keeping it classy.
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