I was going through a few boxes in my spare bedroom yesterday when I came across a box of stuff that brought back so many memories. It brought back both good and bad memories. As I sat there going through everything, I first wondered why do I still have these things and then I wondered if it's OK for me to still keep them.
I found pictures of when my ex husband and I were together. Some of them I looked so young and naive. As I looked at the picture I just thought to myself, "If only that young girl knew then what she knows now. If I only I was smart enough to realize that there was more to life than what I was getting and if only that young girl didn't put herself on hold for him, where would she be now?"
As I kept digging I found the pictures of Mr. Dallas and I. I found the photo album that I had put together for each of us. All the pictures from our trip to Hawaii, my birthday in Vegas he planned, nights out on the town in Austin where we were having so much fun.
I went through all of the pages and I started to get really sad. Not because I missed him necessarily, but because I missed being somebody that someone cared about. There were so many pictures where he was giving me a kiss. I think the one that hit me the hardest was the picture where we were overlooking a cliff on Lanai. Mr. Dallas set up the camera on a rock and came over and gave me a kiss just in time for the camera to grab it. I miss that.
When I saw that picture and thought of that day and how he treated me and made me feel so appreciated, I started to cry. And as I type this now I cry. I cry because I've never met anyone to this day that has made me feel even half as special and cared about as much as he did.
It's been 4 years since we broke up and I still haven't found that. It's been 4 years since I've had that feeling. It's been 4 years and I still get sad, because deep down I'm not sure if it'll ever actually happen for me. Maybe that's me being negative, but I'm starting to think that love happens to other people and not me.
I just feel a little silly because I still hold on to those pictures and I'm not sure why. I can pretty much guarantee that neither ex I talk about in this blog have anything of me laying around or hidden in a box somewhere. Both of them have moved on and found love or something lasting. Yet, I sit with a box of memories that I stumble upon once in awhile reliving happier times in my head.
I wonder should I go ahead and throw those memories out? When I asked myself that very question last night the answer I came up with was, "It reminds that even if I never find someone from this point forward in my life, at least I can remember and remind myself that at one point in time someone did love me and did care about me."