I was going through a few boxes in my spare bedroom yesterday when I came across a box of stuff that brought back so many memories. It brought back both good and bad memories. As I sat there going through everything, I first wondered why do I still have these things and then I wondered if it's OK for me to still keep them.
I found pictures of when my ex husband and I were together. Some of them I looked so young and naive. As I looked at the picture I just thought to myself, "If only that young girl knew then what she knows now. If I only I was smart enough to realize that there was more to life than what I was getting and if only that young girl didn't put herself on hold for him, where would she be now?"
As I kept digging I found the pictures of Mr. Dallas and I. I found the photo album that I had put together for each of us. All the pictures from our trip to Hawaii, my birthday in Vegas he planned, nights out on the town in Austin where we were having so much fun.
I went through all of the pages and I started to get really sad. Not because I missed him necessarily, but because I missed being somebody that someone cared about. There were so many pictures where he was giving me a kiss. I think the one that hit me the hardest was the picture where we were overlooking a cliff on Lanai. Mr. Dallas set up the camera on a rock and came over and gave me a kiss just in time for the camera to grab it. I miss that.
When I saw that picture and thought of that day and how he treated me and made me feel so appreciated, I started to cry. And as I type this now I cry. I cry because I've never met anyone to this day that has made me feel even half as special and cared about as much as he did.
It's been 4 years since we broke up and I still haven't found that. It's been 4 years since I've had that feeling. It's been 4 years and I still get sad, because deep down I'm not sure if it'll ever actually happen for me. Maybe that's me being negative, but I'm starting to think that love happens to other people and not me.
I just feel a little silly because I still hold on to those pictures and I'm not sure why. I can pretty much guarantee that neither ex I talk about in this blog have anything of me laying around or hidden in a box somewhere. Both of them have moved on and found love or something lasting. Yet, I sit with a box of memories that I stumble upon once in awhile reliving happier times in my head.
I wonder should I go ahead and throw those memories out? When I asked myself that very question last night the answer I came up with was, "It reminds that even if I never find someone from this point forward in my life, at least I can remember and remind myself that at one point in time someone did love me and did care about me."
13 comments:
My Dear Erin,
I usually try to listen and not say much, but the last 2 blogs I must comment on. The previous one I said what I said...done. This one, well......here goes. Your awesome, period. You are loved period. God has plans for your future period. I think maybe a little bit of fear is there for you as to the fact of you ever feeling that way again. It is tough to be hurt and to trust your heart to someone again so you can feel again, what you felt back then and in the memories. Your heart and God will let you know when to release all of those things. And if I had someone like you in my life, I would cherish every moment and make sure she felt special and of course made me feel the same. Just have faith, love what is within your heart. You are special and do not even let yourself say your not. Keep on keeping on and as always smile.
I actually went through and threw away 2 black garbage bags full of past relationship stuff a little over a year ago. It was the BEST thing I did!
It was a cleansing and suprisingly after that...gradually things started to come into order. Memories will always be there in your mind, that you can not get rid of. There is no pt in reminiscing. I truly believe you take what you learn from your past and your growth to move forward.
It is wrong on many levels to feel this bad about yourself. I should know, I have been there. I wish that there was something that could be said to change how you feel right now. All I can offer is the old saying that you have to love yourself in order for others to love you. It is not that you have to want it enough or that you have to stop looking in order to find what you so desire. But you do have to try really hard not to try so hard. Otherwise the stress and bitterness within those thoughts begin to move from the inside to show up on the outside. Like the song says "its hard to let you go" but it is so very important to remember that it is not the end of your life, just the end of that experience.
You seem to talk about Mr. Dallas often. Are you sure it's not worth getting in touch with him?
I'm sure Mr. Dallas would not want to talk to me.
I'm almost positive he's got a serious girlfriend (or engaged by now) and if I called him I'm sure he wouldn't return my call.
I think that if he really wanted to talk to me he would...and he know where to find me...and he doesn't try to call so that's my answer.
Don't get rid of that box. One day you'll be able to look at that stuff & not be hurt by it but know it was a learning period in your life that made you into a wonderful & wise person.
First Erin you will never know if he wants to tlk to you or not if you dnt try. He might be in a relationship but it would be better to have him as a friend then not be near him at all. You have to remember life never goes as you plan for it but you got to try to get what you want if not it's like giving in and surrendering. Honestly your beautiful and I'm 98%sure you'll find the right guy just give it time and let the old memories go before they hurt you more than your already hurt
First Erin you will never know if he wants to tlk to you or not if you dnt try. He might be in a relationship but it would be better to have him as a friend then not be near him at all. You have to remember life never goes as you plan for it but you got to try to get what you want if not it's like giving in and surrendering. Honestly your beautiful and I'm 98%sure you'll find the right guy just give it time and let the old memories go before they hurt you more than your already hurt
I heard you on the radio this morning, and just wanted to share my thoughts.
Out of the handful of significant relationships that I've had, the only items that i have kept are a pair of movie tickets. (The Incredible) For some reason when I got home, I stuck them on my corkboard, a habit started in college with all tickets, and for some reason I feel that is I were to throw them away - that would mean that I am throwing what special she and I had.
It's been roughly 6 years since she and I were together, and in that time her memory has slowly receded; but she is always there. Subconsciously I just the women who were foolish enough to begin a relationship with me. I recently had a conversation with the most recent ex, and she said that she was never jealous of any person in my life, just a figment that was from X-years and Y- months ago.
So, I say take all of that stuff, and get rid of it - start fresh, and just work it from there, one day at a time..
Yeah.. I feel like love happens to everyone except for me too. Oh well. Maybe one day right?
omg!! erin ur entries are ahhhhhmazing. i love how you express yourself and your feelings.i get so much comfort while reading your blog because im not gona lie i soooo can relate. i live in houston and never really ever listen to 100.3. now that ive read ur blog and know more about u i try an always catch ur segment.ur ahhhsome but anyho, just really wanted to stop by tell you that i love your blog and guuuuuuurl i feel what you mean about this guys now a day. love ya* v
Erin - I would enjoy finding somebody special too.
Somebody special to have dinner with... Somebody to enjoy a movie with... Somebody special to be with while hitting some clubs downtown... And especially somebody special to bring back to my place to enjoy her sitting on my face while I lick her asshole. Somebody special to blow me while I fantasize about doing all kinds of dirty things to her. Maybe some day.
Ahhhh, romance.
Fred
Hi Erin,
I heard you on the 95.7 morning show with Sarah Pepper (she cracks me up) and that prompted me to read your blog.
As I read your blog about you looking through old photos and begin to cry...I started to think about me. I recently went through a break up with a wonderful man. He was a total gentleman, introduced me to his family, he was handsome, very suTccessful, and always paid on our dates. He was amazing. We broke up becuase of me.
I recently ran into some photos and I began to cry intensely, and I thought to myself, I don't know if I will ever find someone as wonderful as him. It hurts because it is so hard to find a good guy and I just let him walk out of my life, so the memories around my house killed me. Today, I decided to delete and put away any photos that may remind me of a happier time, but the truth is, you never quite forget "the good ones" that get away.
Stay positive. I tell myself that everyday. Cheers.
Cecilia K.
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