Tuesday, October 6, 2009


Have you ever had someone in your past that you just hope will change their mind and want back into your life? Someone that you might hold a "candle" for? I was thinking the other day of how much time I have spent doing just that. It got me thinking, "I can't be the only person that has done this."

I spent the last 2 years of my life holding out hope. In the back of my mind I always wondered, "Do they think about me? What do think about when they think about our relationship?" Would they ever try again?" I often asked myself some the same questions about them...Would I ever try again?

This is a person that I dated after my divorce. As I've said before, I put this person on a pedestal of sorts for a long time after the breakup. I thought to myself that I would never find anyone that will treat me as good as they did.

I think a lot of times when a girl gets their heart broken and they miss that person, they sit with a bottle of wine and cry. Thinking about all the good times they had and why they were so great..."I love the way they said this to me, I miss when he'd do BLANK." Torturing ourselves.

I got to a point where I had to think of some negative things about our relationship so that I would stop thinking this person was soooo great. I had to stop torturing myself with their memory. Because that's just what it was...they were a memory now.

This person and I haven't dated in 2 years. We've remained friends. We check in with each other from time to time to see how life is going. What's sad is over that 2 years I've always kind of wondered "WHAT IF?" I even wondered "WHAT IF?" when I was in the process of getting my current job. I know...stupid right?

I actually remember thinking "Huh...I might be moving to Texas...I wonder if I'll ever see him again....wonder if he'd ever even want to see me again?" I actually am kind of upset that I allowed myself to go there...to even think those thoughts. Giving myself that glimmer of hope. Not that I really was REALLY hoping for some big reuniting so to speak, I guess I was allowing myself the "what if?" Which is probably not a healthy way of thinking.

I guess I tell you this because I talking with a girlfriend and sharing a story about how long I was hung up on that person and I stated to feel so stupid for holding out hope in the back of my mind...for so long.

Maybe I'm being hard on myself...or maybe I'm not hard enough. Maybe I'm normal and I'm not the only person that has ever been this way in their life. Just some thoughts.

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