The other day I was thinking ...which I do a lot, and I was thinking about people that I know and the things that were somewhat dealbreakers. Things that either were red flags or personality flaws. This goes beyond do they leave underwear on the floor...this is about MAJOR things...cheating, control, ect.
For instance, a guy smacks around his girlfriend. In his next relationship does he suddenly change and treat the next girlfriend like a princess? Or a guy cheats...doesn't he always cheat?
I thought about a guy I dated not too long ago. About a month ago I went back to the town he lives in and I ran into him. I got nervous to see him because, well it had been awhile and to be honest, I felt as though I looked like crap and then of course... I see HIM. Usually, it wouldn't be a big deal, but I've heard how he would talk about a girl if she gained weight, so that started going through my head.
Now the last time I saw him before this he had a GF. A relationship that had been going for awhile but in my opinion was volatile. Arguing and fighting in public...not good. Not only that but, I know for a fact that he had not been 100% to her. That being said. I left town and flew back home the next day for work...it's 2:30 in the morning and my phone rings....guess who?
I didn't answer and no message was left but, I had to laugh. I knew what that call was for. It's the same call I would get after we broke up. The call of "I'm not going to date you but I really like ____ing you." I got that call while he dated someone else. Yeah!! WHILE he had a girlfriend!!!
I don't think this guy is a bad guy...I think he has a good heart but I wonder...can this guy that cheats....ever be faithful?
Or take my ex for example. Here's a man that is very narcissistic. Everything is about them. "My day is hell...I've got corporate up my A$$...My job is so stressful." ON and ON and ON!!! I remember we wouldn't go places because he "might" have to do something for his job. It got old after awhile. Listening to a man that was too into himself and treated other people with no respect.
I remember he would say something or do something that was in my opinion mean...his response was this..."Erin you'll just have to get used to it...I'm an a$$hole." When I ran into one of the girls he used to work with she said, "Yeah he'd would say that all the time...and at first I thought he was being funny but, after I awhile I realized nope...he really was an A$$hole."
Now he's getting married again and I wonder is he REALLY any different? Granted every relationship is different but...the person in that relationship is still the same. They may treat someone slightly different but, unless they have a life altering moment they are the same.
I'll be interested to see how long that marriage lasts. Especially since the new bride to be thinks that he'll be a stay at home dad. AHHH YEAH! Don't see it. I can't imagine that a man that is a workaholic and self important will be "OK" just taking care of the kids and staying home awhile she is the breadwinner! RIGHT!
Now let's go to a guy I dated that I was SO hung up on. In fact, he's the guy that I would compare every guy I dated to. He had a LOT of great qualities. He was driven, loved his family, funny, good kisser, you get the picture. He was good to me and good for me. He made me feel good about myself when I just came from a relationship that I was made to feel #4 on the list.
After we broke up I was so depressed. I thought that he was the best I would ever find. We'll see if that is true down the line but I think now about some things and wonder if he would ever change.
Even though he was so complementary to me he also picked me apart. "Erin why didn't you tell my mom that her cooking was good? Why didn't you talk more or ask them questions? Why didn't you say thank you? Or...don't spit out your gum...don't say that."
To you it may seem like little things but to me I NOW see them as control. I don't think he did that to be a bad guy...I think that he had it in his head how things should go and if you didn't live up to that you disappointed him. I truly think he's a great guy and good boyfriend, I just think that he's critical and picky and likes things they way he likes it. Sometimes I wonder if he knows that not everyone was raised like him.
Now will he ever change? Will he let things not be so perfect and let a girl be who she is...rather than what he wants them be to be? I guess we'll see. The last I heard he was just staring to date a girl. If she ever meets the folks I hope she tells the mom that she loves her cooking. :) It is good cooking!
I know that I've change a little because I've learned things along the way but, I've also remained the person that I've always been. Do I show my appreciation more...I think so. Have I learned not to be such a doormat...I'm working on that too.
2 comments:
Erin in my opinion, unless someone sets out to make positive change in their life, very little will come in the way of true improvement. Even when someone embarks on a quest for self improvement that improvement is slow, and changes are measured only by time and the quality of the choices made during that time. People see two things when they view someone, what that person lets them see, and what you want to see in that person. This guy may have been great but it appears that there is equally as much bad (cheating, disrespectful booty calls, etc..) But yes change is possible. However if this guy is still giving you booty calls, nothing has changed, or even seems likely on the horizon.
I love this entry!!! Boy can I relate to the part about your ex-A$$hole. Just explaining to someone that you are an A$$hole doesn't make it okay. And there's nothing that anyone needs to get used to. It's simply unacceptable. My friend would give the same excuse for being lazy. Whenever I'd call him on it he'd say, "That's just how I am. Get used to it." He did change his stripes eventually but not completely.
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