Ever since my divorce I've let my ex husband continually get under my skin. At first it wasn't all the time. Although lately, especially since his engagement, he has been even more horrible to me. He just has had a very bad attitude. I just don't understand why it's acceptable to treat that way.
I sit here and think of all the truly horrible things that he has either said to me or the horrible way he has treated me over the years. DID HE EVER BEAT ME? NO...but, was he ever a truly caring husband...the answer is NO to that too. I guess I always hoped that he would be nicer to me once we were divorced...like "Hey she's not my problem!" But that's not at all what has happened.
I almost feel like a battered wife because the very few times I speak to him now, I keep hoping that he won't be irritated or yell at me. I hope that he'll actually be NICE but, most of the time, I some how irritate him and he either yells at me or tells me he's too busy and can't talk to me. I feel like I walk on egg shells when I deal with him. I'm afraid that no matter what I say I'll piss him off.
It was the same when we were dating, engaged, and married. I remember calling him up during the day to see how his day was and he's answer and say "Erin what do you want I'm really busy right now?" I would quickly Say..."Oh...sorry I just wanted to say Hi and see how you were." He would then tell me "I'm slammed I can't talk now!" Oh...OK. Why did you answer then? You know what's funny? I now ask everyone I call if they're busy when they answer because I've been trained like Pavlov's dog!
How about the times when he would tell me about his escapades with girls after we got divorced. Either they were "F*$& Buddies" like he called the 1st one...or the one that when he broke things off with then he called and told me that "they had a LOT of sex...I mean A LOT...I know that doesn't make you feel good Erin but, it's true." All the while when we were together...well you know.
Or how about when he told me that the dog we had together had to have a leg amputated and had bone cancer. I called him a few days later to ask a favour. I told him that I would be coming to town to visit a friend in a month and wondered if it would be OK to see him. HE STARTED SCREAMING! "I KNEW IT.. See this is the reason I didn't want to tell you that Oscar had cancer because then I knew you would want to see him!" I couldn't believe my ears. I thought I was making a reasonable request. I thought maybe the fiance had a problem...so I said..."hey bring her along." He wasn't having any of it. After I cried because I just couldn't understand why and, my feelings were hurt...He finally said..."FINE!...But it's on my terms...when I want and where I want!" I agreed because I just wanted to see Oscar.
I simply don't understand how you spend 8 years of you life with someone and they treat you with absolute disrespect and can be just plain hateful. I also don't understand why I can't just write him off and say "Erin, he's never gonna be the way you want him to be." He's never gonna be nice to you...he's never going to go out of his way."
I always thought that being friends wouldn't be this hard. Someone recently asked me "Erin...what will it take for you not to get bothered by him?" I told him that all I want it an apology..for him not doing his part on being a good husband." they said..."Erin that's never going to happen." I said.."Well then he's gonna have to get hit by a truck!" HAHA..of course I was kidding...kind of. But I sometimes wonder...When will my ex not bother me anymore? How do I truly get over all the things that I feel he failed me on? How do I erase the words that he said to me that I hear over and over again?
I need to hit an erase button in my head...but how? I'm sure he hit his. Actually, I'm sure he thinks that he was a good guy all along.
You know...He told me once.."Erin I'm an a$$hole you're just gonna have to deal with it." I guess he wasn't kidding.