Monday, May 18, 2009


After learning of my ex's new engagement, I couldn't help but think of things and start comparing myself. I know as well as you do that I shouldn't do it and its not fair to me but, I still do it to myself.

Ever since the two of them started dating and were together awhile I wondered does he treat her better than he treated me/treats me? Then I wondered, if he does treat heR better why was I the one that he decided to be a that way to? Does he compliment her? Does he make her feel good about herself? Does he display his affection for her better than he did with me?

When I learned that they were engaged, a new set of thoughts come to me to compare myself to her. I wondered is her ring bigger than mine? (probably) And if it is...does that mean he cares for her more or just has more money now? How did he propose to her? Did he do it in the parking lot of an Italian restaurant like he did me? Did he cry? What it what she always wanted? And why didn't I get the dream proposal? I even thought, I wonder he loves her more that he loved me when we were married?

AHHH!...See...I know that thinking this way is not good for me but, I can't help it. You see, even though I DON'T want to be married to him anymore I do bear scars that I carry from that time. I'm still dealing with those scars now.

The biggest scar I bear is rejection. I ultimately feel rejected by my former mate. Both physically and mentally. I feel mentally rejected and here's why. I'm a girl that likes to be complimented. I like being told that I look pretty without having to go fishing for the compliment. I like having someone tell me that I look pretty in the morning even with crust in my eyes. The only compliment that I would get on a regular basis was that I was very talented. I needed more than that. I also was made to feel like I was irrational all the time and the things that bothered me were insignificant. I was always ridiculous. When I cried about things...well...

I feel rejected in another way...physically. If you think about it a second you might figure it out. This is the way I feel rejected the most. It's also something that I don't EVER think I'll get over. I'm very sensitive and when something like that happens to you, you start to have a lot of self doubt. I wondered what was wrong with me, was there something wrong with him? Was I too fat...did he no longer find me attractive? If you ever have this happen to you or have had it happen to might understand. Living with that self doubt for years takes a toll on one's self esteem.

I can tell that his new fiance is a very confident. She seems very sure of herself and knows what she wants. So maybe the things I struggled with wouldn't bother her at all. Maybe that's why it works for them. The things that I require from a man are not the same things that she needs. I am done comparing now but, I just wondered if I was the only one that thought about this stuff.


Anonymous said...

I think your ex is gay. Here's why

1. A straight man wouldn't need to compliment you on you looks all the time because it would be inplied because....

2. A straight man would never reject a woman physically. He would be trying incessively to be physical.

Pete said...

Another scenario that may have been occurring is that he mighta had something on the side when the two of you were together. Understandably, this is not something one would wish for, but it does explain alot.

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