Thursday, May 14, 2009


Yesterday I had the most interesting phone call and conversation. I got a phone call from my ex's new fiance! She said that she just wanted to talk and clear the air. I was floored. Not only was I shocked by the call itself but I was surprised when I heard the word "fiance." I had NO idea they were engaged. Now, it's not really surprising that he's getting married. In fact, I always had a feeling the two of them would get married, I guess I just assumed he would tell me himself. Now to her defense, she thought I already knew. In fact, she said that she felt so bad telling me on my VM and if she knew that I didn't know she wouldn't have done that.

After she left me the VM I quickly called the ex to see if he knew what she wanted. What did she want to say? Was she going to yell? He told me that it wasn't bad but he wasn't really sure, so just call her and talk. (which I'm sure he was petrified of). All of these thoughts went through my mind. I wondered what she wanted and then I couldn't help but think..."I wonder if he treats her better than he did me?" I couldn't help but compare myself...which isn't fair to me.

I'll even admit I was a little sad. Not because he was getting married to someone else. It's inevitable. I was sad because I'd like to think that I'm a great catch and yet HE's getting married and I can't even find a boyfriend. It's petty I know. I guess I just didn't want to look the loser that can't find anyone. Like there's something wrong with me. And I feel a little bit like that right now. Like what's wrong with this girl that she can't get a boyfriend if her life depended on it...let alone a date? Like I'm the bad one. I just got to keep telling myself that the right person for me just hasn't come around yet and God is working on it. And there is a plan for me.

When I called the fiance back she was very pleasant and started off the conversation in a way that made me feel at ease. She told me that there was all sorts of things that have been said and she wanted to get things straight. I honestly feel so bad for her over the things that people have said or suggested to her. Some of the things mena towards her AND me. The absolute lies that people have told her about me. Things that are just to make her feel bad and other things to make ME look bad. Telling her that I still want my ex. That I want to move and work in the same building as him. All of which couldn't be further from the truth. I reassured her that from the day we got divorced I never wanted him back, all I wanted was to be friends and have his respect. I always hoped that he and I could've been better friends but I'm not sure he can.

I told her how I always thought that SHE hated ME. I told her of a time where I called him to talk and she got upset. She immediately knew the time I was talking about. The reason for her being so upset was because people were feeding her lies of me wanting to be his wife again. When funny thing was, I SO just wanted to be friends and get his opinion on things. Sometimes I called him when a guy would dump me and I would get the "Erin don't call him" talk. I will say it over and over again. ALL I EVER WANTED AND WOULD STILL WANT IS JUST TO BE FRIENDS.

One thing that hurts that people said to her was that I cheated on my ex. Which I never did. There was a time where I thought that the reason he and I were having problems was because I had gained weight since we got married and maybe if I lost weight he would find me more attractive. So I went to a gym and hired a trainer who happened to be very attractive. My trainer flirted with me a lot. It made me feel good. Here you have someone that's attractive and they find you attractive. They complimented you. It was just flirting. Which I ate up, because at the time I felt so unwanted. So, moral of the story is he and I were just friends and nothing ever happened. In fact, we NEVER saw each other besides at the gym.

Now, will the ex, the new fiance, and I ever be chummy and hung out? Probably not. Although after my conversation with her I actually think that she and I would be more comfortable than he would. Honestly, the whole thing in a way is sad. For the last year or so of my life I felt crappy thinking that there was some girl that hated me and I had no idea why...and she probably felt the same way. When...who knows, we might've been able to be friends in different circumstances.

I know in the past I wrote a blog that was about her. I was so angry at the time because I thought she hated me and I didn't know why. I needed to vent. Also, I know that from time to time I will bring up things about my ex. I don't write these things to hurt people or to be mean and malicious. I write because I am VERY honest...Too honest. I probably need a filter. But I'm a emotional person. I analyze and reflect and sometimes I get sad and then get angry because I never got answers or real true closure of what went wrong. I never meant to hurt anybody's feelings with the things I said about the ex. I also apologize for the things that I wrote that may have been hurtful towards her.

I will say that there are things that happened in my relationship with the ex that have hurt me to my core and things I still struggle with mentally. I actually told her and him that. I sometimes wonder was it me? Why did he not try? Why was I not good enough? Why did I not make him happy? I know that after 3 years of being divorced I should have been able to figure it out or let it go but, I'm not really wired that way. I need a concrete answer to ease my mind. The answer maybe hard to swallow, but at least I'd have the answer. That's why I still get angry sometimes and may write about my experiences with him because I was trying to make sense of it. Now maybe I can make a little more sense of things.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me knowing that there's no issues that either one of us have with each other. I am so glad that she reached out to talk. It really took a lot of guts to do that. I know that she doesn't want me to think she's crazy, which I SO don't. And I hope that she doesn't think I'm the crazy ex-wife. I don't like it when people don't like me. And it's a weird quality I have but I just want acceptance. I'm glad the we could put this enormous misunderstanding to rest and on both sides not to believe the B.S.Think of it...this all started because people either wanted start trouble or just plain lie.


Pete said...

what a great post! i'll bet u felt really good after writing this. not just from her reaching out, but of all the other things that you touched on. getting thoughts and feelings down on paper, journal-style, feels good. anyway, here's to having that monkey off u back!

Janice said...

Nice Post, Erin. Thanks for keeping up your blog. :)