Tuesday, March 10, 2009


In the last week or so I've heard this several times, where a guy wants a girl where his life becomes her life. Does anyone besides me find that to be a little strange?

In one instance I had a guy tell me that he wants to find a girl that fits into HIS lifestyle. When I asked what that meant, he basically said that he wanted a girl that had the same hours as him, she liked to most of the same stuff as him, and he wanted to find her either at his job or in his normal everyday life...like at the grocery store. Now I understand that you want to have a lot of the same interests but having the same schedule? That's kind of tough. I know that when I was doing mornings I just wanted a guy that could understand my schedule and be able to accommodate. He didn't need to go to work at the crack of dawn like I did.

Then my girlfriend told me today about a guy that she knew that had been thinking of breaking up with his girlfriend but has never had the balls to pull the trigger. He started making excuses why he hadn't yet. One of them was the fact that he liked that she would make her life...his life. Does that make sense? He liked the fact that all the things "he" liked to do and all the things that were "his" interests all became "her interests. He also liked the fact her life was centered around him!!! WHAT? Am I the only one that finds this extremely disturbing? So I guess never mind having a woman that has her own life, interests, thoughts, and aspirations! Because that guy apparently only wants a woman that can nod her head up and down!

I also know a guy that is a variation of the 2 guys listed above. This guy has his own interests like running, biking, and other stuff. Well when he dated a girl that decided it would be a good idea to ride together, he didn't like it. In fact, he thought of that time as "his" time and didn't think that she would be able to keep up. Which makes sense...I get that. I think that you should always have your own set of things that YOU like to do alone.

Now, here's where the variation comes in. He is the type of guy that I don't think really wants a career woman. He wants a woman that will stay at home and take care of the kids just like his mom did. In fact, he told me that. He said that he wanted a girl to stay home because he thought that since he was raised that way and he turned out o.k., that was the way to go. Now there's nothing wrong with wanting that and nothing wrong with his mom staying at home. My mom did. It's just that I think he wasn't going to except any girl that wanted to be outside the home. In turn, he'll feel in control because she then relies on him.

I know that when you become a couple you start to take interests that your partner has. It's only natural but at the same time you need to be your own person and not a shadow of someone else. The problem that I have with the 3 scenarios is that I feel like I did most of those things when I was married. I worked in the same building and usually the same hours as my ex and look. I moved my life and had my career on hold for him. We usually did things that he wanted to do because if he didn't want to do something, he'd make me miserable in the process. And lastly, I've always been motivated by my career. As I mentioned earlier my mom stayed at home and I don't think that I or my brothers turned out any better than a child that had a working mom. I know that IF I ever have children someday I would still need to work. I would need the outside stimulation and I'd need to feel like I'm contributing monetarily. I never want to feel like I'm relying on others for money.

I know guys like to feel like the man of the house and like to feel important. But why do they like to have things revolve around them?


Rebecca said...

I think it's important to have different activities between two people. Guys nights/Girls nights, brunch with friends, dates with yoru significats. I understand the occasional situation when group activities form (baseball games, birthday parties, dinners...etc.) Those are always good times. But, it can't be like that with your significant all the time, or you risk getting under each other's skin.

Differences (besides activities) are just as important. If someone agreed with me all the time, I'd be SO bored! I like having a good debate once in a while.

Twinkle Toes said...

It is not about having things revolve around us nor is it about having the feeling of control over a woman.

In my case I had received a promotion with a salary increase that made my individual income significantly more than what our combined household income was. This increase allowed my wife and I to discuss if she wanted to continue to work or stay home with our child. She decided not me. The decision was to stay at home until our child was in school. At that time we would revisit the situation. If she doesn’t want to return to the work force, she has already found other volunteer and community activities that she feels will more than meet her intrinsic needs.

In the mean time it does not mean she is sitting around the house with no stimulation. There is plenty with interacting with our beautiful daughter. Additionally we have many friends with children and activities to go to that provide stimulation/education to our child.

It has nothing to do with control or having things revolve around us (men) but I think you have such a shaded view of men you look for problem rather than the good/benefits in situations.

You have a very narrow minded view of people with a stay at home parent. I have two friends that are males that stay at home with their children while the wife is working. Is this because all working women with stay at home dads need to have control? I am guessing you will find some other reason to put down the men for doing something wrong since it doesn’t agree with you lifestyle.

You may have a better chance of finding the right person if you removed the nutcracker from your shoulder. No intelligent man would want to feel his little twins are always going to be in there ready to be cracked!

Lar said...

This sounds like some of the guys you talk to are self centered and egotistical male, who thinks the world revolve around them. These guys are trying live in this year and have the woman live in the fifties, it sounds like they can’t handle a woman who has a mind and spirit to be a real woman that has a life. So not I don’t think that most guys want that but some do want that so that they have all the control.

I just speak my mind what I think and believe. To read what you write opens my mind to see how people think and act, yes I see it I know people like that it just bothers me that they act like a cavemen. I would agree with you on this and some other bolgs you have written. A woman should have their own thoughts, likes, career and dreams. He or she should have things they like to do on their own and thing together.

Anonymous said...

It just goes to show that there are all kinds out there.

Scenerio 4: Guy likes to go out on his own & do things with his friends W/O significant-other (SO). However, when SO goes out W/O him, he calls to check up on her.

Yup, there's millions of people & all are different. I guess we just have to find the one with the flaws we can live with.

Erin Austin said...

Twinkle Toes...I think you're missing the point...maybe you shoul re-read what I wrote.

It obvious that you are fixated on the stay at home aspect of what I wrote...which in my opinion is a small piece of what I wrote.

Here's the deal. I think many women that stay at home with their children DO love being with their kids...BUT...I think every woman would also like to have OUTSIDE ADULT TIME!!! Perhaps without the talk of diapers and daycare. If you don't realize that then maybe you need to spend a week at home with your kids alone without your wife's help.

Also, there's no doubt that theere is a sector of men that like it like the old days...woman stays home with kids and keeps the house. Maybe they're close minded.

I will also add that where the wife stays at home it was a family decision...or as you stated your wife made the decision. I'm not saying all men control that decision...(again someone taking my examples too literal)

I do give credit to people that stay at home with their children...it's hard. Both mentally and pysically. As I stated..I'm not sure if I could.

Erin Austin said...

also Twinkle Toes...

How many times have you heard of th wife that stays at home, is the doting wife...all the while the husband takes advantage...cheats on her...leaves her for the sluty secretary and the poor wife doesn't have a dime to her name.