Tuesday, November 25, 2008


One thing that is hard for me when you break things off with someone is when they move on. Well, at least that's what's hard for me. And it's not because I'm not over them specifically it's because I'm not over their actions or in actions. Let me clarify.

For instance, when I was married there were certain things that my husband wouldn't do. One of them was working out. I gained some weight while we were married and thought he might find me more attractive if I lost 1o lbs. I decided I wanted to join a gym and asked he wanted to join with me. He said "No way...It'll just go to waste, I'll never go." What happened after we got divorced...he joined a gym and starting doing all the things that I wished he would've liked to do while we were married.

Now he has a girlfriend and things are pretty serious. I sometimes wonder if she is getting a better version of him than I had. Does he treat her better? Does he appreciate her? Or does he act just the same? I do know that he tries harder with her than he did me but maybe he learned that to keep a relationship going it takes work and it's not easy.

Then I think of one my more recent exes. His fiance dumped him. I thought when I met him that he was fine. Then, after a few months of dating he freaks out telling me that he doesn't want to be tied down. Although, now he's dating some college girl. They're actually spending Thanksgiving together. Now granted, he only dates this girl because at the moment it's easy. I mean, she goes to school 2 states away. It sure is easy having a girlfriend when you don't have to see her everyday and spend time with her.

I'm not sure if either one of us girls got the better version of him. Maybe the fiance is the one that did. All I know is that, at least the college girl didn't dumped by him with some lame line of "Erin you're great...I'm just f-ed in the head...I don't know what's wrong with me." RRRIIIGHT!!!

Now for the latest causality. I think this person is a good person and I can see him being a great boyfriend. He's very affectionate and thoughtful. I mean, what guy actually offers to massage your feet? NOT MANY! Problem is is that his last girlfriend did a number on him. Cheated on him, broke up with him, begged him back. This constant emotional tug of war. When I met him I thought he was over her. He told me he was. Then he started acting flaky. Come to find out there's more going on in his head than I thought...more than he thought. So I know that I didn't get the best version of him that I could've.

Why is it that when we enter a relationship we don't always give our best self? Or do we and that's just the best we have at that particular moment?


Anonymous said...

i'll ive u the love girl but don't talk shit about Dan

Erin Austin said...

Not sure what this means maybe you clarify

Shawn said...

Since reading the news last month, I've also missed hearing your personality on a regular basis. After the news broke, it was even a topic of conversation even at my workplace. Like me, there were people (or their spouses) who went from viewing that station as unspectacular, to being their favorite in the morning, and since then, of course, back to the former viewpoint. How many people can say they're endeared themselves in the eyes of thousands of people they'd never met? Not many... GO ERIN!

As far as the "recent casualty" happenings, that's strange, but not all that uncommon. Left the phone at work, huh? I'm assuming he never gave a home number, too. That should be your second red flag. Flakiness is the third. Okay, first of all, that excuse I just mentioned... wow, that is just criminally lame. There are plenty of guys around here who are affectionate. It's not the sort of thing we guys generally, if ever compare notes on, but trust me, they're around. Some guys have so much affection they could spread it around, and DO. Moral here is: BOY leads a double-life.

For a long time I thought it was the first few months of dating would be the best version of someone phase, where both people put their best foot forward, and then work through some of those issues. I began to notice a problem with this approach. It just doesn't work. I realized how much time I'd wasted on people that just weren't right for me. It's not that they were bad people, it just wasn't meant to be. At first it wasn't easy to find a balance between being too picky and seeing incompatibilities. In some ways, even years later, I can be too picky. The trade off is having more time to continue my search, time to think, hang with friends, and even put in extra time at work that would have otherwise been wasted on a relationship that was doomed to failure and wondering what I could have done to make it work.

It looks like you're focused more on your career now and taking your next leap. All the more reason to forget some of those things in the past. Those behaviors that really bothered you, especially are worth forgetting. It's the time of year when a lot of happy couples are out there feeling festive. I know being single, myself you might notice it more. Don't let yourself get those holiday blues! I hope after you've charted your new course you've resolved some of those lingering issues of past relationships in your own mind. My thought would only be to get that out of the way before moving, while you're doing some good temporary work. You're still really young, there's nothing wrong with investing some of this time into looking before you leap. At very least, you'll be in a much stronger emotional place before the big move. There are people much older and still haven't found a clear purpose.

I've read professionals in media are among the most mobile. I don't know how much this has contributed to some of those cyclical setbacks, at least personal ones, but I'd wager it doesn't make finding "home" and planting roots easy.