Tuesday, September 2, 2008


How many times have you heard that line? I feel like I hear it all the time. In every relationship I've ever been in I was told that line. I always thought that once you were in a relationship with someone whether it be exclusive or not, married or not, that you'd want to spend time with that person. Am I missing something here?

I think one of my faults when I'm in a relationship is that I'm too giving. I give too much of myself, my heart, my time, and make myself too available. With the major relationships that I've had I was always the more giving. When I dated Sean, he had a lot of stuff going with his brother so his time and focus was with him. Our relationship was a long distance one where about every other week we'd travel back and forth from Texas to St. Louis and vice versa. Well, there were a couple times that at the last minute Sean would call and cancel his trip to see me because he was so busy. I of course wanted to see him, so being the giving person I am I would rearrange things to see him that weekend or the next. What's the point? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I would be too giving and make time so that I could spend it with him.

I've noticed this trend lately that men I date, always seem to be so busy. Not that I sit there and say "Hey Hey we need to hang out...!!" like some annoying pest, but it almost seems that they have this attitude that they'll fit me in when it's of convenience to them and that if i don't take this one time offer...then well...I'm S.O.L.

I've always heard in the world of dating, you should always act like you're so busy. Although, at some point if you're on the flip side of that doesn't it get old? I know that I really don't like the feeling I get when someone always treats me like I'm on the back burner. There's one thing to be said about the chase but, at the same time when do you get to stop chasing and get a bigger piece of someones schedule? Will I ever find a person that is willing to fit me in?

Is being so busy a good excuse? Or is it just that...an excuse?


Shawn said...

I'm a very honest and up-front guy, so on that note, I'm going to drop the "anonymous Shawn" cloak. I've used the "I'm really busy" line before. On the surface, it communicates you acknowledge someone wants to be with you, and that you want to be with them, but you've got something reeeally important going.

She thinks "ohhh it must be really SOMETHING to put off set plans with me." What it really means 9/10 times (mostly last-minute cancellations) is the spark...the desire to be with her isn't powerful enough to MAKE time for her.

It's a little about immaturity, but also fear of what she may think knowing you'd rather make time for something random than her. It's not really a bad thing to say, but it's usually misleading.

HEY! How can a person be too giving in a relationship...by that, I mean a healthy one? As long as you’re competent in your job, avoid texting your guy every 2 minutes at work, take care of your priorities, and still have a lot to give, then that should be a good thing. I've never, EVER been in a relationship where I thought or told someone she was too giving. 50-50 input is where the
best relationships I've seen find a healthy balance.

I'm thinking maybe you, Erin might give more than your 50-50 share when the other guy is losing interest, and by going the extra mile for him, you hope
he'll at some point wake up and realize you're giving enough for the both of you for the simple reason of keeping things together. That is the point where you should assess whether things will get better or the foundation has rotted out.

After hanging out with someone a while, and decide she's relationship material, I set up reasonable expectations. At least one night or off-day a week for one-on-one time, making dinner together, going for a walk, etc. One night each for going out with your pals, and one date night, and the rest filled with spontaneity. I'm picky about who I go this route with because I want my love to be slow, deep-burning, and...unquenchable. I'm done with the dramatic, pretty, but fleeting fireworks displays of love.

Erin Austin said...

Shawn you're right.

I feel like sometimes I start off slow and when I really get into the relationship I give more. And...when the relationship is taking a turn..i give even more. It's pathetic I know...I'm trying to break that cycle.

I had my ex husband tell me...Erin you need a guy that will kiss your butt and worship the ground you walk on...

Sounds great...but do they exsist?

Anonymous said...

Erin "I had my ex husband tell me...Erin you need a guy that will kiss your butt and worship the ground you walk on..."

They do exisit, but I would venture to say you would not be interested in a guy like that because they don't present a big enough challenge to a person like you.

Erin Austin said...

I'm not sure what that comment means exactly.

I will say...everything in moderation. I would love a guy to adore me but...I wouldn't want a guy that didn't a have backbone or some self confidence.

If I could only find a guy with a great mixture...Ahhh! Just think of it.

Shawn said...

Yes, there are total butt kissers out there, they exist under the callsign WUSS!

I'm not sure you'd want to stay with a wussy mutt, either. That's just, I don't know...someone who doesn't know what's going on.

I had you pegged as someone who wouldn't stay with someone, who you perceived as constantly falling at your feet. You'd get bored, tell him he was a really nice guy, and umm...bye! It seems like you stick to one other type, and that's usually not good, either.

You use the word "adore" and that is interesting. A REAL man who has within him the capacity to keep you interested without either being a player or wuss is an uncommon breed. It doesn't sound like you've met many of these. I'd say you need someone who's range is set up with only one burner. He would never have had someone on the backburner, or even on hot standby. He would be attentive...this is actually quite rare, most guys are only attentive so far as they need to be. He believes love means putting your happiness above his own, yet already knows a healthy balance. He would be strong-willed, able to match your wits, keep up with your energy, appreciate your...unique sense of humor, patient enough to lay down the foundation for a monument to true love, and just maybe be inspired by the good in you.

Erin Austin said...

Well let's talk about what I've stuck with. The ex-husband wasn't a cheater but he wasn't affectionate.

Sean, had his own set of priorities and I wasn't on the list. Although, he did and said very sweet things when I was his focus.

The most recent ex, was pretty good while he was interested in the relationship. I think he could've treated me better...and he didn't become and ass til after the breakup. I hope it's phase he's going through

Anonymous said...

LBS Erin! Go on a blind date with "anonymous Shawn!" ;-)

Shawn said...

Many guys develop an attitude where at some point in a given relationship, they begin to view the girl as a pain, a nag, a drain, an emotional strain, whatever. This doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad guy, it does mean the relationship isn't a good matchup.

A good LONG-TERM match to you wouldn't even eventually begin think this way. This is where that cycle of yours will break, I've been SO been there. As your partner, he treats you as the ultimate friend, and companion. During those rough times, dramatic phases, whatever test arises, he reaches out to YOU for your opinion - because he respects it, your strength - because together there is nothing that can stop you, and your love - because even when losing someone close, he still has the one person he's closest to! Bear in mind, he is strong and independent enough to do all this without being a needy, clingy wussie.

If I seemed unfairly critical, it's probably because I've been sick the last couple of days. I'm having ample problems thinking clearly, not that it helps only spending a minute or two thinking of what I'll write. All I was saying (I think) about the one type was, to me it sounds like you've narrowed the guy you want down to the curves of his face. Maybe those guys were all different, I don't know them. I was thinking of girls I was close to who always seemed to fall for the same type of guy, when from an objective view of each one you could plainly see it was going to end, and probably not well.

I love red delicious apples, in fact I can spend so much time weeding out the lame-looking ones, I often fail in noticing one of another type I would be perfectly content with.

I had "anonymous Shawn" eliminated, he hid his email addy to avoid criticisms, the wuss. :D

Anonymous said...

Maybe Erin should go on a blind date with Anonymous.

Erin, what is the story with your ex husband? We have just really heard about Sean. What is the relationship with your parents? Are they still together?

Erin Austin said...

Not sure all you want me to say about the ex-husband but I'll give you a bit and you want more feel free to ask.

We were together a total of 8 years married 4. He works in radio as well and is what I would call a workaholic. He wasn't very affectionate...he never complimented me...unless he said I had a good show that day. He always stayed at home on the weekends and would make excues about work as to wy we couldn't take a weekend away.

My parents are still married. For nearly 33 years. They still have 1 night a week that is date night. They usually go bowling or dinner.

Shawn said...

One question this topic has raised in my mind just after my own parents' anniversary is, what do you think is the key to a lasting relationship? I think with your sensitivity and experience you might have a refreshing perspective. Do you think there’s a magic formula involving the right instant chemistry and reagents, or is it much more complicated, making it that much harder nowadays to keep things solid? What does it take for two people who even after years: can make each other laugh, give each other casually sensual (non-sexual) touches that generate a warm feeling deep inside, radiating outward, and, lastly, turn the other person on simply by asking the time?

Laying sick in bed the other day, it was my day to start later, I flipped on the radio until going in. and caught part of the morning show. Hearing something you said really made me laugh out laud, even though it hurt. The women I spend time with are either younger, total ding-dongs, or mature, (usually several years older) attractive ladies. Both seemingly expect me to be the entertainment, is this normal? My best dates were ones where we’d joke around with each other, making similar comments, and talking about things to the point where we really clicked. Now that I’m taking a little break from dating, I was thinking of issuing a challenge. Since there were several random things you bring up that I’ve taken an interest in writing about, why not bandy about a few topics over email? Maybe between our personalities, we’d brighten each other’s day.