Tuesday, August 26, 2008

WHEN DO YOU STOP CARING?

I don't have a ton of ex's. You can say that either as a good thing or a bad thing. One thing that I've noticed since being in Milwaukee as a completely single girl is that you run into people you date a lot. I haven't dated anyone too seriously since being here but the ones I have I see all the time.

The most recent break is still somewhat painful. I had kept in contact and remained friendly. We would continue to talk and hang out occasionally. I did still have a little feeling for that person. He would say things to me that I actually believed to be true. Come to find out he was "dating" or having a summer fling with someone the entire time. Whom may I add...is not even 1/4 the woman I am. Yeah I said it!!!

My friend recently broke up with her boyfriend. Even though she knew he was no good, she was still bummed. Although he was bad news...he still had good qualities that she liked. Kind of like my guy. Even though he played me, and was not a good person to me in the end, there were things about him I appreciated and missed.

It got me thinking...When do you stop caring? How much time needs to pass before you can run into that person and say..."Yeah, I feel nothing!" What needs to happen when you can see them with someone else and it won't bother you even just a bit? How much time passes til you can be in a bar or restaurant with your new boyfriend and not have to leave because they're there?

I hate to admit this but I know I've avoided places hoping I won't run into a certain group of people. It sucks!! I don't think I should stop doing what I like to do because I may see a certain person with their latest flavour of the week!

Even though I hate winter maybe it'll be good because then, the person I'm scared of running into will decide to hibernate at home and drink scotch on his couch with a paper towel in his right hand.

6 comments:

Khatz Gnaquer said...

Erin,

The minute you find yourself with someone you like better than your ex, you will stop caring about him.

The question I have is, did/do you really care about this guy or is what you are feeling excessive self-reflection about what you might have done wrong, why he broke up with you, what is wrong with you, etc.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter why he ended things. Maybe you intimidated him, maybe he has a committment problem, maybe he is a guy who just wants the flavor of the month. Who cares, his loss and in time you'll realize that he did you a favor.

But....I do think you need to find someone else before you find peace with it.

Shawn said...

The question of when you stop caring, I think is a good one. It mostly depends on why you still care. If it wasn’t a serious relationship, but you still feel you gave a lot of yourself into it anyway, the answer is hard to lay down in concrete. You can either wake up one morning this week and feel nothing, (waking up before 4 A.M., it may take a moment to feel anything at all) or you may need months.

I strongly feel you won’t stop caring the minute you meet someone you like more than you ex(s). I mean, really “LBS”, is it healthy to enter into a relationship you think may have long-term potential without first finding peace of mind through closure? Betrayal is violation of trust, and if you have trouble trusting again, you’ll be building on wet sand at the edge of a bluff. If the Romans (despite having far superior knowledge of making concrete) had erected those inspiring works you recently visited upon such shaky ground, there would be pictures of nothing but rubble, broken roads, dust, and a timeless beauty in the foreground. In other words, you would be building a relationship like a typical public works project...both are wasted investments that begin breaking up before you know it!

I have almost no contact with previous significant others, myself, I can’t relate there. When I do, I don’t feel love, nor the opposite, apathy, but reassurance. Thoughtful people often do a lot of self-reflection, and analyze what went wrong. It’s how we learn from our mistakes. It’s a natural and healthy thing as long as it doesn’t become obsessive brooding. When it comes time to giving your love completely to someone new it’s the highest stakes gamble you can make. Odds are you may lose big, but is there any potentially bigger payoff?

I loved the scotch-and-paper-towel closing remark, that was classic! Where could I find a gal pal with your sense of humor?

Erin Austin said...

I am scared of getting hurt...there's no doubt there. Although, I'm not too scared to try.

My only thing about running into the ex is...Is he going to be a dick to me? Rude?

I just hate feeling uncomfortable. I only want things to be cordial.

M33NA said...

your blogs are AWESOME! keep blogging, you articulate things in such a good way..!!!

Anonymous said...

I love your blog! Keep blogging..you just have such an articulate way of expressing things..I love that you say all the things I think but am too scared to put into words..

Shawn said...

Erin,

I have a final comment on this. You really shouldn't worry about being put in an extremely unsettling position. If there's just one gentlemanly consideration in breaking it off with you, it's giving you space. That means the following: he ought to avoid the places he knows you're at the most, avoid calling you to tell you all about any new "significant" other; if he does run into you, he will, perhaps be respectful of your feelings. In doing this, chance meetings SHOULD be civilized, if not warm and friendly.

Since you did initially stay in contact, you already have a good idea how the next encounter may go. Regardless, you don't want to change your social habits when you have the option to quickly end the encounter without giving him the chance of being belligerent. I'm very hard-skinned, but I have done the following things: stoically say "hello, so-and-so, nice to see you, bla bla bla"; summon an excuse for ending the awkward moment, like I'm neglecting a friend, I don't want to miss the start of the next inning, whatever's appropriate... say something honestly and true.