I haven't been writing any blogs recently because I hadn't had any deep questions that needed to be answered.
I was dating a guy for the last couple months. I thought things were pretty good. We had the same views on things and some we didn't. I liked hanging out with him. I mean for the first time I can remember, I actually was dating a guy that made me laugh.
Well I started to notice a slight change in him. He told me that the IronMan race he was doing he was behind in training for. I asked if it was because of me and he said that it wasn't my fault but since dating me he lost his focus...so he couldn't go out to dinner as much because he needed to just eat broccoli and chicken. I get it...I mean that sucks but it's only a month...right? Then he said that I may take a backseat for awhile as he gets ready for this race. I told him that I supported him and that I understand how important it was to do well...I told him that it maybe a little hard for me to be so patient but this would be good for me.
Then it comes to last night. He comes over, we have dinner and I asked him about vacations and what he's got going on for the next couple of months. Needless to say, he has a lot going on. I felt like it was a laundry list. He asked me why I was asking. I told him that I needed to figure out my vacation time at work and wanted to see if we could do something...even if it's just a weekend. The next thing he tells me is that he thought was a little early to go on a vacation together. WHAT? I'm not asking to meet the family and have babies...I just thought since that a weekend somewhere might be cool.
The next thing that came out of my mouth is was what started the process. I said I had a feeling that he wanted to break up with me but he didn't have the balls to do it.
This is where it gets all too familiar. He said, " I have this smart, beautiful, funny woman in front of me and I don't know what to do." I heard that one before. Sean said the same thing. Telling me as he's breaking up with me how I'm so funny, I'm so pretty, I'm such a great catch but he can't be with me anymore. Is this a complete line of crap???? I mean, If I'm so great, why is it that I can't keep their attention? Why is it that they feel it's better to let me go than try a little harder?
I mean how can he go from buying me flowers last week with a sweet note that "he doesn't take me for granted" to this week not knowing what he wants to do with me.
I know he said that it was just bad timing...is it? Or does he just not want to try? Or is it because there's something wrong with me...or him? I just don't get it. What is wrong with me that I can't keep them around?
I know that I'm a good catch. I know I'm funny, witty, attractive, not a complete head case, a giver (to a fault), and have my stuff together. Heck, I've never committed any felonies, stalked anyone, had a restraining order against me, I don't kick puppies, I cry at sad movies, I'm not in debt to my eyeballs. DID I MENTION I DON"T KICK PUPPIES???
I feel stupid that I opened myself up again. It's hard enough dating let alone finding someone you actually click with and have a good time with and them leaving you hanging.
15 comments:
And wtf happened to "i don't want to date anyone else...I'll put my profile to private".... Seriously... do all men need to check themselves at the door?? Ugh... I'm sorry, hon.
This is so sucky for you! I can't imagine how hard it has got to be. Ever day it seems like there are less and less intelligent people in the world that are worth your time. And you totally weren't going too far by saying that you wanted to go on a vacation. It's just a weekend, not a trip to Vegas to get hitched! You're better off without the moron, but I do sincerely hope you can find someone who IS worth your time soon.
Well i think we all will find somone out there for us maybe he just doesn't want to date or something. But i think there is a guy out there for you i mean you will eventually find someone that you have the right thing with and when you are with him you feel don't want to be any where else
I think that maybe he just wasn't ready to date anyone. I think that there is someone out there for everyone. THere will be some guy out there for you that makes you feel the way no one else does.The person that makes you happy thinks about you all the time and really wants to know you i hope that you find him.
O.K...sorry... I had to write another one quickly. And just take this as "my 2 cents", as I've been in your shoes.
a.) do NOT feel badly for opening yourself up again. if you hadn't, you two wouldn't have been so happy-go-lucky all spring. since the day I've met you, I've never seen you like that... and it was nice :) it was really good to see you so happy.... (not to mention that my cell phone bill thanks you, too!!! lol)
b.) it WAS bad timing. Twice I've dated guys now, where they had important things going on, then we got involved, they lost all focus, and needed to get back on track. it happens...and it's not always an excuse. but, at the same time, it's def not your fault. I have a strange feeling that you'll be hearing from him all summer...and when things slow down, he might re-evaluate where he's at in his life. his flowers/card did say how he feels, and it's because of his respect for you, that he's chosing to give you an opt out. he's laying it out there, saying "this is my life, i'm busy, make time for my guy friends, and am not comfortable yet taking a vacation with a girl i'm dating...but that doesn't mean I don't like you or want you in my life. it is what it is."
It may have taken you probing, for him to finally spew it out...but at least he did. Otherwise we could have been in for a summer full of question and concern. From the sounds of your blog, it really doesn't sound completely over. idk... u tell me....
wanna do it over some wine tomorrow?
A great majority of people (guys) suffer from a combination of Attention Deficit Disorder and 'Upgrade Mentality'. We have too many options in our world today in almost every facet of our lives. Why would anyone want to commit to any one thing for a long period of time when there are a myriad of 'enticing' options available? It's a social disease. It permeates our society. There's too much to do, too much to experience, too many choices. It affects women today as well more than I have ever seen in my lifetime. Few are those who understand the many rewards of making a sincere commitment to a person, or anything else for that matter.
Erin, I'm sorry this had to happen to you, but think of it this way... better now than later.
People in general have a deep fear of change that can drive them to make bad decisions. I'm a perfect example... I've done it hundreds of times. Only once you confront your fear and find the means to overcome it, can you more forward in a healthy fashion.
Saying that, I feel that he was afraid of change. A change to his schedule... a change to his lifestyle... a change to his habits... a change to his privacy... a change to his ____________ (fill in the blank).
I think that as attached as he was to you, and despite any feelings that he had for you, the fear of change started a process that lead to your breakup.
I'll be the first to admit that men, in general, are emotionally stupid. Now I would like to clarify that statement... we don't think about things like women do. We don't let our emotion play a part in our decision process... for the most part.
So, for example, if a man needs more time to, let's say train for a race, then he would weight both sides and make a decision. Unfortunately, you were on one side! i.e., he didn't really take you into account when making such a decision.
Therefore, I think it is safe to say that he just wasn't ready, or willing, to make the changes necessary to be in a relationship... and that his decision making process was internally focused (i.e., selfish).
I'd love to set you up with a friends of mine... but most of them are childish and stupid.
Good luck in you search...
Nothing is wrong with you. Guys are just dumb and don't know when they have a good thing. He will probably try crawling back later to you. Years ago I had the same issue with a guy. We really got a long and then all of a sudden he was busy with hockey and his job and didn't have time for me. Yet he gladly accepted my X-Mas gift, gave me a $10 necklace and then broke up with me in my driveway..and still kept the gift! Yeah..Winner! I don't think so. You learn to brush it off. It sucks and it hurts and you always think there is something wrong with you. You learn to then accept yourself for who you are, gain confidence and realize that there is someone out there that will love you for you. They will want to hang out with you, they won't make excuses. And if they are busy with other things, they include you in these things. They will do what they need to do to keep you in their life. If a guy doesn't do that..well he isn't worth it then. I thought I was doomed, and realized I was happy being single and happy with who I was as a person, and stopped looking for Mr. Right. Not long after that..I did meet Mr. Right and now in a few weeks we will be married for 1 year and together for 4 years. You will find that Mr. Right, you just need to have faith and stop questioning yourself!
Hope this helps!
I just want to let you know first and formost that I am female and am in no way defending this guy's actions...
The IM training REALLY sucks for people who are just starting to date. It's a time killer...we're talking weekends with 6+ hour bike rides one day and 4+ hour runs the next. There would have been no time for you...and early in a relationship, that's not something anyone wants.
Sorry this happened. Happens to me all the time. He'll (who ever he) is well show up eventually. For both of us.
HAY ERIN!!!
Well Erin things are not working out so well for you with picking guys up at the gym. Maybe you need to go some where else. Maybe try the hardware store more down to earth and intelligent guys there??? But just stay out of the rental department!!!! Try the landscaping or lighting departments !!!! ( LOL....) Hang in there the right guy will come sometime!!!!!!!!
Erin,
I think you just need to focus less on being "part of a couple", and enjoy the time you have together with whoever you are with at the time. And for at least the first year, let the guy take the lead for any planning (dates, vacations, etc.)
Plan your own life for YOU, and if you are busy when he asks too late, let him know that if he had asked earlier, you would have really liked to join him. If it appropriate, suggest a different time/date to him to show that it is not just a "blow-off line".
When he has activities that do not include you, relax....enjoy your own time and space! Don't worry about why you weren't included.....when the time is right, it will all work out.
It was only after I took up this philosophy that I finally met Mr. Right. We spent about 18 months where I really didn't ask for anything.......but made it clear that he needed to get on my calendar to plan things together. And I learned to enjoy my own activities and get back to the hobbies that I enjoy.
We dated for 4 years before the wedding, and have been married for 3 years now.
Learn to enjoy the moment, and where relationships stand, don't expect things to happen quickly. You both need time to learn about the things you like and don't like about one another, as well as learning to be comfortable in your own skin, both alone and together.
When it's right, it will happen
It's ok, yo.
He probably knew that all that time he'll be spending on that hard bicycle seat would leave him ill-equiped for any nocturnal activities. "I swear it's never happened before".
Erin,
You and my daughter are having the same issues, she's 27. You both are gullable and wanting a relationship to work, your trying too hard. Back off a bit and try not to get too involved too fast. If you think someone is right, don't let down your guard, play more hard to get and see if that helps. I wish you and my daughter could get together, it would be good for both of you to talk. She's a dental hygenist and I told her to look at a professional with his stuff together next time.
Take care!
Sorry...this is so cute, I couldn't resist!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImtJ-3h_thA&feature=related
It is not you at all it is them. I am one of them and I am a single divorced woman.
I have these great guys around all the time and then after a while I just don't appreciate them and just think they would be better off finding someone else that would.
I can not explain why this happens I guess maybe deep down inside I just like being alone and single. Going and doing things with out having someone to answer to. Or worring about hurting someones feelings.
So belive me Errin it is not you it is them. Hang in there kid and maybe you just have to stop trying so hard and Mr. Right will come along.
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