Well it's going on 2 years since my divorce. Over the past 2 years a lot has transpired. I had another long term relationship. I picked up and moved for a new job in a new city without knowing anyone and since I've been here for the last 8 or so months I've met some great friends that keep my head on straight.
I moved here to Milwaukee back in May, and in July my last serious relationship ended. When I moved here to take this job I had actually had a feeling that he would break things off. I guess we were going 2 different directions. At that moment is when the MOJO was officially gone...or was it ever really there?
Let's begin to when I had MOJO in the first place. Shortly before I became separated I started working out. See over the course of being married for 4 years I slowly gained some weight. I was not fat by any means, but it was heavy for me. I didn't feel good about myself and I thought that maybe the reason my husband didn't pay much attention to me was because I was 20lbs heavier. So I started working out with a trainer who was awesome. Now, he did flirt with me which made me feel pretty good. Since, my husband never so much as said boo to me let alone says that I was attractive. I started feeling noticed, confident, and sexy. I ended up losing those 20lbs and was back to my high school body again.
Well needless to say, my effort to look better and get noticed by my husband didn't really work. I tried but he really didn't. I started to feel like there had to be more to life than what I was getting. There had to be someone out there that would treat me better. So we separated and I moved out. I made a girlfriend from the gym and we started hanging out. Going out on the weekends for sushi and drinks...it was great! I started having guys look at me, flirt with me and I felt alive again. I felt confident. I HAD MY MOJO!!!!
Then I met Sean. At first I thought maybe I should just play the field and date around. I mean, I just got out of an 8 year relationship!! I hadn't been on any dates since I was 20! But you know, Sean was just what I needed. At first, I was a little apprehensive. I didn't quite know what to make of it all but, he was good to me. Surprised me with dinner. He made arrangements that I didn't know about. He took notice and I loved it. I felt great about life, love and myself.
Now fast forward about 6 months. His brother was not doing well with cancer and Sean decided at the last minute to cancel a trip to see me for the weekend. I of course was so sad. I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks and I missed him. I understood why he couldn't come but, I was being somewhat selfish and wanted my time with him too. During that conversation he said that he thought we should break up. We never really broke up...it was more like taking a break. I ended not seeing him for a month or so. When I did see him next, it was back to normal. The only thing was I didn't have the title of "GIRLFRIEND." I was just introduced as ERIN.
Not having that title screwed with me. I was afraid to bring it up for fear he would reject me. I LOST MY MOJO!!! Eventually, we went back to calling each other "boyfriend and girlfriend" but, to me I was never quite the same. I always wondered and second guessed his true feelings for me. I really second guessed everything in my head. Did he still think I was funny, beautiful, smart...blah blah blah.
Since then and still at this moment I DON'T HAVE MY MOJO! I haven't gained any weight but, I don't feel as good about myself as I did just a year ago. I, in fact, am probably more in shape than a year ago but still I'm not feeling good enough. I have a better job than I did a year ago but, still am not feeling up to par. And as far as love goes, now I wonder if I'll have to settle. Sean was not perfect, nor am I but, I now have doubts of what is out there. Will I ever find someone that will treat me so special ever again? What happened to the girl that believed that she could find better? What happened to the girl that thought she could turn a head or two...what happened to her?
I've even hove lost my MOJO in other areas...I went to this big TV Hosting workshop in LA with Mark Stienes of Entertainment Tonight. We all had to get up in front of the class and read off the teleprompter and read a script from ET. I didn't want to do it at all!!! In fact, people were volunteering and they stunk! I knew that I had more experience then probably most people in that room but I was scared to death! What happened to the girl that wasn't afraid of talking in front of a group? The girl that would volunteer to read a speech in class...what happened to that girl??
WHERE IN THE WORLD IS MY MOJO? AND HOW DO I GET MY MOJO BACK?