Monday, January 21, 2008

ARE YOU WITH THE RIGHT ONE OR JUST AT THE RIGHT TIME?

This is kind of complex thought...but let's give it a try. And this whole idea popped in my head because I was talking with...a guy...and he was talking about his plans for the future. He basically had the next year and half of his life planned out. He was doing big things with his career, then he was going to travel, and then come back get married and have a bunch of babies. Well, he's not having the babies obviously it's whomever he settles down with.

That entire conversation got me thinking. When it comes to relationships and marrying do we really find the right one or do they just come at the right time?

I know for me, when I was younger I had mapped out my life somewhat. Not to the point of that what age I would get married and have kids but, I definitely had goals of what age I wanted to accomplish college, careers steps and that sort of thing. I'm not in the norm for most women. I could be wrong but, I think a lot of women have this age in their head that need to get married by and have kids by and if that doesn't happen, they go into panic mode.

Guys are different. I think a guy would let the woman of his dreams slip away because he would rather spend time meeting his "sales goal for the year". Or they would rather climb the corporate ladder til they feel fulfilled and then...look for a girl of his dreams. Once that happens, he goes into panic mode and settles for the next best thing around. Women are different, I think that a woman no matter where she is in her life, if she finds the right guy, she'll juggle him with the career and make it work.

I can think of so many men that make me think this way. CAREER THEN RELATIONSHIP!

I think I fell victim to this line of thinking. I think Sean did this in a way. Although, I'm sure there was something else I just never was aware of. When we broke up, to me it wasn't because we weren't compatible. Sure neither of us were perfect but I thought we were pretty good as a couple. I think we both learned things from each other. I think part of the reason we broke up was because of our careers. I know that when we dated I took a back seat to a lot. He had one major priority which was his brother.(which I completely understand) His other priority was work. I think he thought of me sometimes as an after thought. Like I think most men do. WORK WORK WORK then..."Oh Yeah, I have a girlfriend maybe I should call her."

Now Sean had an itch for a career change and then I got this job in Milwaukee out of nowhere. Til then, I had actually been looking to get jobs in Texas to be near him. He got a job and he wasn't going anywhere and we weren't any closer to being together. When it boiled down to it...careers were more important. I guess maybe for both of us.

So, when do you stop planning out your life and start letting it just happen? If more people just let their heart speak a little, would there be less divorce because then we might find our true match vs. someone that came around when you thought you were ready for them?

Does this even make any sense or am I the only one that feels this way?

4 comments:

THE RENTAL GUY said...

Just out of ceriousity... are you in "Panic Mode"? Has your biological alarm clock gone off, or are you hitting the snooze until your career goals are met?
I must say that I too have fallen into this "work, work, work" way of thinking.
In the same way that guys put work first, women seem to hold on to past relationships. One of these days you will have to just let Sean go back to Texas, and move on to life in Wisconsin.

erin austin said...

Dear "Rental Guy",

I'm NOT in "PANIC MODE". Not in the way you think. Would I like to have someone great in my life? Yes! But there is NO and I mean NO biological clock ticking...maybe someday I'll have kids but I don't have the urge like a lot of women and I don't want to have kids just have them...It needs to be with the right person. Someone who not only is a good partner in life, a good husband, but someone who I can see making a great father.

I know I talk about Sean quite a bit. He is a reference for me and a very recent one at that. So, I use my experiences to go back to.

I also realize that I may not be fully over the situation, but so far in the dating scene here...I've had a lack luster experience.

Then again, I'm just not ready. I think I need to figure out what I really want, who I am, and where I want things to go.

And there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it takes a little time for fully heal from things.

Rebecca said...

Hey you,

I experienced this with my 10yr ex. I finally left him when he just plain couldn't propose, because - in his words - he wanted to be 'financially set', and 'ready' for marriage. I said to him, "You're with me for 10 years, and we live together...aren't you already living like you're married to me anyway??!!"

I truly don't understand that mentality - because LBS (let's be serious) ....when is ANYONE ever TRULY "ready"? There comes a point when all the "planning" in the world, won't be able to guide you to the right decision. And it's quite funny now, because this ex calls me and tells me over and over how much he misses me and would do anything (if he could) to be with me...... Whatever! I'm over it and have been over it for years now.

On the flip side, with my most recent ex, I have this strange feeling that if we had met at a different point in my life, we would still be together today. There is a situation I'm going through that I can't control right now, and that's what he broke up with me for. But to your point, it's not that we weren't compatible, didn't have that 'spark', didn't have a blast together, didn't teach each other things, etc... Just the opposite - he was the best thing to come into my life.

I'm a firm believer in TIMING on this level....but not in the sense of what you have 'planned' for your life. I think all women wish everyone could 'lead their lives with their hearts' first, over all else.... however - that's not realistic, and we just have to deal with how it is. Men are from mars, Women are from venus, right?! ;)

Anonymous said...

Life and relationships are about timing. 100%. If things aren't right, for whatever reason, they are not right. It doesn't mean that at some point they won't be right. If you meet someone worth keeping around, you should keep him in your life until the timing is right, for both of you.