Tuesday, October 16, 2007

DO GUYS EVER GET HEARTBROKEN?

I often hear of girls who've had their hearts broken. Mine has been somewhat recent. Even though I do my best to move on it's still hard at times. I fear that it will happen again. That the feelings I have for someone will grow more and more over time and they in turn will just become more and more detached and bored.

It seems in my expercience, that when a couple breaks up that the girl is devasteated. Guys are moving on. If they have any feelings they either hide it because they don't want to look weak or go off and do crazy stuff, like shack up with girls, dating, going out with the boys and act like fools.

Now I will say, I have a very small amount of dating experience. I was a late bloomer for sure. In the very few experiences I've had I feel that the men were went along with their lives just fine. Never once did they try to get back together. Say that they wish things were different or that we were still together. I once got somewhat of an apology from the ex husband. He sent a text saying he was sorry for being a bad husband.

I know I asked Sean if he was ever heartbroken. Did a girl ever break his heart? His answer..."well it broke my heart when you told me you weren't able to go on that trip to Hawaii." WHAT? REALLY? THAT'S IT??? No offense...but I don't consider that to be heartbroken. I call that dissappointed and that's about it! I thought it was sad in a way...it made me think that he never felt a real connection with someone, or maybe he was good at protecting himself and would disconnect with a girl before they could do it to him. I'm not sure why there are some guys that break up with every girl they are with. Do they just REALLY know what they want or are they not sure at all? Do they just not want to be the ones that get broken up with?

I talked with a guy the other day and he said that if a girl were to break up with him he would just say "Oh well I'll just go and get with something else." I thought that it was so emotionless. Girls always try to figure out what happended and why we didn't work. Some of us dicesct more than others.

So do guys ever REALLY get heartbroken? (trips to Hawaii don't count)I'm just feeling that guys want to erase any memory or feeling? Shed a little light.

10 comments:

Pete Fanning said...

Because these are things that most men probably do not want to discuss out in the open, I wonder just how many responses you will get.

Personally, there have been two times I have honestly been "in that place", and that's all I care to share openly. Take that for what you will.

But the short answer is, yes, I do believe it can happen to guys.

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate. My husband of 10 years recently left me for a coworker. He doesn't seem to have any feelings either. However, I would like to tell you that my brother had his wife of 14 years leave him for a next door neighbor. He was CRUSHED! Cried often for months, didn't understand what went wrong. Still doesn't. So, yes there are some guys out there with feelings, but I can't seem to find them for myself either!

Anonymous said...

I am currently going through a divorce (I left my husband of 14 years; not for anyone else!) he was crushed and willing to do anything to make it work. I think that it was the thought that our marriage didn't work out more than he wanted me back. It really bruised his ego. I am "seeing someone" now and he was heartbroken when I told him that I just wanted to be friends. (He is a little too emotional though, if thats possible) I think they get heartbroken just like us but they maybe choose not to show it.

Anonymous said...

yeah...if i had a sister hat was married for ten years i would be asking anonymous (with the husband of 10 years), "hey sis, i didn't know you checked this blog!!" now that i rambled...my ex left me for a next door nieghbor, whom i called a friend, and i was devastated!! still kind of think about it, its been 3 years!! but we have a daughter together, so i deal with the fact that we are not together constantly!! sure i have dated, even got mildly serious with a few, but i guess i still wonder "what if?" i THOUGHT she was my soulmate and sold myself on that, and even knowing she is some kind of _______ (insert any number of bad names) i still feel a little heartbroken now!! you put a piece of yourself into every relationship and when that is done, you don't get that piece back!! thats forever, regardless how it ended!!

James said...

I’m going to respond to actually your last two postings in this one since I feel they are connected a little. I really don’t know if my opinion really represents the guy’s side or not because like you said we (let’s say I) haven’t talk openly with other guy’s before about my feelings. When I did, I was called a wimp, a sissy or even punished for saying anything. Talking about your feelings was taboo in my family so you just learned to keep your feelings in and deal with them yourself or as they put it “act like a man”. What does that really mean? Was that right? Heck NO, but that's how I was taught. So, with that said, I have gotten my heartbroken and it was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with in my life. My life has not been the greatest but have managed to keep going in what I feel is the right direction. Every time something happened I would tell myself to look at the positive things and don't dwell on the bad, there’s a reason why this has happened. Every time I told myself that, it was a little harder to except each time, but it keeps me going and gives me hope. Since then, I have learned to talk about what I feel and not worry what others think, feel or how they classify me as a person. Yes, I’m a guy in my mid thirties and I have fallen in Love for the first time in my life. After we broke up, I had hit rock bottom. I was usually one of the guy’s that went out with women and when we broke up I felt like there was a weight lifted off my shoulder and it was easy to move on to the next one. Usually the next one was a fill in because you were lonely or bored. Then there was the occasional call back to the ex-girlfriend when things weren’t going right on the dating scene. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a planned thing at all, it’s just because I didn’t know what I was feeling and never learned how to deal with them. But the breakup with the one I fell in Love was not the same. There was no weight lifted off my shoulders but there was this weight on my chest that was almost unbearable. I had expectations on who I should date, did she have a good job, did she make good money, did she smoke, was she married before, did she have kids, how were her financials, would she ever want kids and so on. I wouldn’t even go on a date if they didn’t meet one of my criteria. The funny thing is that the only person I fell in Love with was someone I didn't even want to date. Yes, I was attracted to her but she wasn’t the most attractive I ever dated and she broke half of the criteria that I felt I couldn’t live with as a couple. Yet, we started doing things here and there and all of a sudden I just fell in Love with her. The things I didn’t think I could live with or irritated me didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered was making her happy and that made me happy. We paint this picture for ourselves of whom we should be with and what criteria they need to follow for us to be happy and fall in Love, but really we have no control over whom we fall in Love with. You asked if everything happens for a reason? I believe everything does happen for a reason and God gives us all one path to follow through life. At the same time there are decisions in life that we have to make each day that will test our will and morals with each one determining how our life will unfold. Sure, we all make mistakes and like it or not we all have baggage that we will carry with us for the rest of our life. It’s how we deal with the mistakes and baggage that really makes the difference. If you make a mistake and fall off the path you can still find your way back to the path. How you get back there is up to you, if you keep all of the baggage with you it’s going to be long time before you get back (that’s if you don’t keep falling) to the path but if deal with it, let go of the some of the baggage and pack the rest of it up nicely you can get back to your path much sooner. I am thrilled that I have experienced True Love, because I feel that not many people will ever experience it in their lifetime. Yes it hurt badly but on the other side it was most amazing thing I have ever felt. I know now that you can’t find Love or create it but if you follow the path you were suppose to follow, Love will find you. I have learned more about myself in the last two years then the rest of my life put together and the biggest thing I learned was that I have feelings and they are all mine. I’m not ashamed of them and nobody can take that away from me. Learning to know what my feelings are and to talk about them helped me understand that others also have feelings and that’s what makes us who we are as a person. We see people and watch what they do. We end up categorize them right of the bat for things they have done, how they act or the position they are in because of our past experiences. But we don’t take to time to realize that we all didn’t get to start at the same place in life. Some started with teacher(s) to guide us in the right direction, but many others never had a teacher to guide them and they had to figure out everything on their own. If we drop our expectations on people and find out about them it’s amazing what you might find. If you had a teacher that guided you in the right direction you should be thankful because there are many people that never get that until later in life, if at all. So Erin, Yes guys do get heart broken just as bad as women do and yes everything happens for a reason. Falling in Love made me look at myself deeper then I ever had before and made me realize that caring about someone else other then myself (with no expectations) is the true reward in life.
I would like to ask the question “do women have criteria that guys have to meet before they will go out with them” (looks don’t count since you have to have something there)?

Mark said...

Yes we have our hearts broken, but we hide it in so many ways that most people never catch a glimpse of it. We play sports, work out, stay busy, take road trips and do anything at all to keep moving. That allows us to ignore our feelings and never examine the contents of our heart, our soul, our being.

It's true that males are held to a different standard regarding emotion. It's ok to cry if your team wins a game, loses a game and maybe when one of your parents dies. That's it, no exceptions.

While I don't consider myself to be a wimp or a sissy, I admit that I have cried over relationships - often. Now it's not the "Oh my gosh I need her back or I'll die right now because no one else will ever love me" kind of cry. Instead it's usually the "I'm sad I am not with her and I miss her" cry. Crying is part of my healing process and I regret more males out there don't see it as such instead of viewing it as a sign of weakness.

Anonymous said...

ok, im actually frightened that this is actually a question. i assume its stated to provoke reseponses. But honestly, Erin, you seem to have a very jaded view of men. And rightly so if you've just been hurt and recently heartbroken yourself.

However men get heartbroken. Without a doubt. Most men may deal with their heartbreak differently. But we do go through the same, saddness, emptiness, hoplessness, fear, anger, confussion, and lonliness. Ive personally experienced it twice...and have been part of the support group for fellow male heartbreak comrades, many a times. It sucks.

And it sounds cheezy...
But if losing love wasnt so painful, it wouldnt make finding love so amazing. I feel like I just quoted a Disney movie.

Theres no easy way to deal with it. But I would focus on how you feel opposed to how Sean feels. Sounds like he wasn't a big fan of sharing emotions to begin with.

In general I think men learn to hide hide their feelings to make themselves less vulnerable. Ok now I'm quoting Dr Phil....time to stop writing...

Anonymous said...

Hey Erin,
I had a relationship where someone left me heartbroken. Long story short; I lived, loved, trusted and waited for this person. She lied to me for months, told me she needed space, (never once telling me we were done) and then dated others while I was "waiting for her" like she had asked me to. All the while saying "I just need space". I am glad that I stopped waiting. By the time she was done needing space...8 months later, I was so emotionally drained that I will never love someone the same after this. I still feel this way even after 5 years.

Guys do get heartbroken, and usually pretty badly from what I am learning. We just learn we need to hide it well, because we don't want to be judged as having "baggage", or "A needy one". LOL!
I am finding though that it's true when they say that "Time heals 'most' wounds"
you'll find the right one eventually ;) Give yourself time. You'll need it to heal emotionally. I hope this helps you.
D

Caleb said...

Actually the opposite has happened to me. I'm a guy (23. my ex broke it to me today that she has a boyfriend now so i've been crying since like 10 a.m... pathetic? yes. We broke up a few months ago and she got really, really distant. Hid her feelings, didn't tell me until I broke down because I missed her so much (was like 1 week after, but still) that she still loves me. We worked it out and things were going great as us just being friends, we were still best friends. but i screwed it up today when i got so sad about her being with someone else.. she told me that it's not her fault i haven't moved on etc. So yeah.. definitely heartbroken again there.. Just really hope that tomorrow things will be better. I was still crying at least every other day over my ex before her, she helped me get through it. But now that I don't have either I realize I'm not over either one of them. So ya... guys definitely get heartbroken. I was with one for a 1 1/2 years and one for about 7 months. but we were so close.. Guys get heartbroken just as much and just as bad as girls. And some of them don't hide it.

And now that I've poured my heart out, ima go eat me some steak. Feel free to YahooIM me, I'm in desperate need of some cheering up lol - omgllamaattack

Anonymous said...

yes they do. women aren't the only ones with feelings.