Sunday, September 9, 2007


This one is just for the guys...

So do guys believe in the one that got away? Or are they always that sure that they made the right decision? Do guys ever regret????

I know my ex husband has said he was sorry for being a bad husband, but I wonder if he really regrets his decision to be inactive in trying. Was he ever really sorry? Or my ex boyfriend Sean, he tells me that I'm such a great catch. How great I am...blah, blah, blah. Does he really think that stuff? And does he really think it was best to break up or does he ever wish he didn't? ANY REGRETS???

I have a guy friend who is a pretty sensitive guy. He writes poems and one poem that he wrote was about a girl that he used to date. It talked about what kinds of things he would do for her if they were still together. How he would treat her and things he would say. It just made me wonder if my friend was the only guy that ever thought this or do lots of guys wonder about that one girl they let slip through their fingers. They let her go because they were thinking of themselves, being stupid because they might not have been ready.

I know girls often miss their exes. We google them...I know. It's stupid but we do it. We always wonder what if...What might be different in our lives. How would it have ended up.

I think ladies always wonder about the future and think about the past.

Guys help me out with this one.


Anonymous said...

Yes, we do.

But I suppose you want more than a three word answer. Yes, we wonder, at least some of us do. And the unanswered questions can haunt us for years, or at least in some cases.

If there are differences between men and women in this matter, it may be that men are conditioned to believe that action is more important then reflection and that control of the self is the first step in autonomy. If we give in to doubt, we risk the loss of our identities, our selves. So for good or bad, we must abide by our decision.

I would disagree that “they let her go because they were thinking of themselves, being stupid because they might not have been ready” are the reasons, or at least, not the only reasons we break off relationships. Sometimes we recognize that we can’t be what our women want us to be, or that our women can’t be what we want them to be. It’s an unpleasant truth, one that we often hide behind recriminations and accusations, but still the truth.

I often have dreams about my ex, unusual in itself, because I rarely have dreams that I remember the following morning. These dreams are made more unusual because in the dreams my ex and I are married- 2.3 kids, dogs, cats, a couple of mortgages, the usual. And in the dreams I am happy. I am satisfied. I feel complete.

When I wake in the morning, I am filled with a sense of dread, afraid the dream was reality.

I took me a long time to realize why.

Because perception is not reality and dreams do not include the flaws that life does.

Andrew said...

Maybe I am just an over-sensitive guy, but I find myself constantly thinking about "what might have been". There is one girl I dated for nearly three years throughout college named Shannon. We got along great... had a great set of friends, enjoy similar things, we even loved each others families to the point both of our parents would hang out without us around. Then we kind of fell into that lull where everyday is the same when you spend time with them. I found myself wanting to go out with my friends then watch a movie with her. Eventually (and obviously) this led to us arguing a lot and ultimately led to her cheating on me. We tried several times to sincerely work things out, but once a relationship is tagged with the cheating label it is hard to get around it. We broke it off for good, vowing to remain friends. When I saw her with her new boyfriend about a year later I actually became a little jealous. When she told me she was in love, and that he treats her amazing, and cares deeply for him and someday wanted to marry him I was (like a girl) pretty tore up. I began not only regretting not giving her the time and appriciation she deserved, but also for not trying harder to overcome the hurdles that I'm sure every relationship faces. I took the easy road right out of the relationship, and now I find myself missing her a ton. We haven't seen or spoke in nearly two years, and to be honest (even though I try to keep the motto "no regrets") I look at her as being the one great girl I let get away. The hardest part is not comparing every girl I meet/date to her.

By the way, Erin, I am single and new to Milwaukee as well. Maybe we should hangout sometime ;)

Anonymous said...

Hello Erin,

Whether you are a male or a female, we are all human beings and capable of the full spectrum of emotions....including regret. Not all men are from Mars, and not all women are from Venus....most of us are somewhere in between (very few things in life are black-and-white, rather many shades of grey). So just because men are typically closer to Mars doesn't mean that we don't have feelings. Some men actually have more feelings than women!

I know quite a few men who are really close to being exclusively from Mars...those are the "bad boys" and "successful" men that most women seem to be drawn to...the same ones who typically fail in relationships and go from one woman to the next without regret. However, it seems to me that most long-term relationships fail because one person or the other is just too selfish and/or shallow in some way, shape, or form. Men and women are both guilty of this, and both may experience regret at one time or another. Since most women are typically more emotional-oriented, it makes sense to me that more women will experience regret sooner after a breakup. Since most men are typically more logical-oriented, it makes sense to me that more men might not experience regret until some point in time when/if their logic of ending a relationship does not manifest itself to have been the correct choice.

Dan ;)

erin austin said...

To anonymous #1

Wow...Let me see if I got your answer straight..cuz my head is still spinning.

So guys do think about the one that got away...but they don't regret it? Did I get that right?

I know it is possible to make mistakes when it comes to matters of the heart. Especially, when it comes to whom we marry or date. So, isn't it entirely possible to to make mistakes on the ones we lose?

Erin Austin

Anonymous #1 said...

You’re halfway there.

Ok, maybe three-fifths.

We think about the ones that got away. We regret the ones that got away- often in very painful ways involving alcohol, topless bars and credit cards. And we regret the reasons we lost them. Sometimes we will even stop doing the things that caused us to lose them. And then we bury the feelings in the backyard with the credit card bill and pretend it never happened.

The key word is pretend. And sometimes we know we are pretending, but we do it anyway.

We pretend because the alternative is pretty scary- that we aren’t in control.

Oh, “the ones we lose” are by definition mistakes, most often because they weren’t the right person in the first place.

Chris K said...

Erin - great topic. Guys do think about these things. We just don't feel the need to yak about them at every turn. I'm am not being critical of your radio show - I love the topics. I'm commenting on real life where guys don't want to keep drudging up the past.

Two women meeting for the first time will talk about past relationships in a matter of minutes - it's nature.

Guys want to talk about other things (Packers - true).

But I assure you these things are on our minds - we just keep them to ourselves until we are at that intimate level with a women.

Anonymous said...

As someone who rarely listens to your radio station, I am now intrigued enough to start doing so. This blog is an excellent example of how to get people more engaged with your station, tuning in to listen in the process.

Now, onto the comment part. I was engaged a few years back and called it off because I didn't have the kind of feelings for her that I felt were needed to make a marriage work. Call it a gut feeling if you will, but I needed to act on it and be true to myself. While it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, it was the right decision. However, even though I was the one to make the call and walk away, I still look back on that decision and wonder What if...

So yes, men wonder about the ones who got away. Often it's late on a Sun night when I am sick of watching a movie by myself when the loneliness, regret and self - doubt creep in. But then I realize that God has a plan for me and I place my trust in Him to guide me toward what that is.

Thanks for the opportunity to share. I also enjoyed reading the other comments and concur with a few points they made.