I haven't posted in a long time. The main reason is because my life was pretty good and I didn't feel the need to. However, something that has recently happened pushed me to write again. There are several topics I want to talk about, but first I'll write about my own struggles and go on from there.
For years I've struggled with depression. I started going to a therapist back when I was 20. Some of my issues were environmental, meaning relationships or job related. However, deep down I've always struggled with low self esteem, self doubt, and thoughts of not being good enough.
I can't pin point the exact moment when I noticed the change in myself of being a confident child, to one that had constant self doubt. I think it's probably a culmination of multiple situations throughout my childhood. Whether it was not being invited to parties, or not feeling pretty enough and liked by boys as a teenager. All of these situations have played a part in what my mind does to itself. Let me explain.
I have a tendency to tell myself very terrible things. For instance, my fiance and I got in a fight. It started off as something small, but then escalated very quickly into something so much bigger. So big in fact, that I don't know where I stand anymore. As I sat there listening to what he had to say there was a voice in my head that kept saying, "He's like the others. He's giving up on you and tossing you aside." "Maybe he never really loved you in the first place." " If he's done with you he'll replace you in a heartbeat."
I've often felt and told myself that I'm unlovable. That has been a big struggle with me for many years. It's probably one reason why I stayed single for so many years after my divorce. If I didn't get close to anyone, they wouldn't be able to tell me what's wrong with me and leave. It's also probably one reason why I love dogs so much. They never change their mind about you. They love you no matter your flaws.
Even though I've been in therapy for years and have been on medication, I still deal with depression. I still deal with the negative thoughts that I tell myself. As much I feel like I've made improvements over the years, I'm still not free from it. Once I get sad, I pull myself deeper into the darkness and it takes awhile for me to pull myself out of it. When I get to that point, I just want to be by myself and curl up in a ball with my dogs and not talk to anyone.
I don't write this post because I expect pity or sympathy. I realize that there were be the trolls out there that will kick you when you're down. I write this because no matter how someone looks like they have it together on the outside, there might be something big that they're dealing with on the inside.
Everyone has something, mine is dealing with depression.