WHY DO I WANT A RELATIONSHIP?

I've been asked this question from time to time over the years.  Whether it was a friend, my co-worker, or my therapist, they've all asked me why do I want a relationship.  Why do I want to find someone so bad?  I don't think I want someone sooo bad, but I do want to find a great love. And let's be clear,  I don't just want a relationship. If I wanted that, I could find someone.  I'm looking for my person.

After being asked that question several times I did some self analyzing.  I thought about why do I worry about finding a relationship more than some of my friends.  Why do some people not care if they ever find someone and I DO care about it?   After much thought, I've come up with several reasons why I want a relationship "so bad" as some have put it.

It all boils down to love.  I want to feel what it's like to ACTUALLY have someone love me.  I want to have that great love.  I want to feel what it's like to have someone love you and they think the world of you and there's no "but" attached.  I want to be in love with my best friend.  I want to be with someone that thinks I'm the best thing they've ever had and that I make their life better by being in it and vice versa. I'm not sure if that's too much to ask, but I'd like to think that it's something that can happen.

One of the things I realized when I really thought about the people I've picked in relationships and dating, is that a lot of it stems from my relationship with my parents.  I was a kid that needed affection, attention, to be liked, and to be accepted.  My parents on the other hand weren't the most affectionate parents.  They also weren't the most encouraging and uplifting.  When it comes to The 5 Love Languages and how I receive love, I'm a Words of Affirmation and Quality Time person. So when someone I'm looking to date wants to spend time with me and gives me compliments I've gravitated towards that.  Granted, if they're over the top then it sends up a red flag for me. A lot of people can be disingenuous and so when I meet someone that's a bit over the top with their appreciation I usually have my guard up with them more than I would other people.




Some people might say, "But Erin you've been married!"  While that is true, I'll say that deep down I never really felt the love I wanted. My ex-husband was really my first real relationship and sometimes I feel like I just didn't know better.  I didn't know what a really good relationship was, so I just went along with things. I wasn't really sure of what was acceptable and what wasn't.  Granted, I learned a lot from that relationship, but I definitely felt like it was lacking a lot in the love and affection department.  That lack of affection then propelled me into the next relationship where I started dating a guy right after getting separated.  He was a 180 degree difference from my ex-husband.  He made me feel pretty, sexy, smart, talented, and did sweet things for me.

After that relationship ended I spent a lot of time "trying on shoes."  Seeing what was out there and what I liked and what I didn't.  I spent about a good 9 years being single and figuring it out and figuring myself out. Eventually, I met someone who seemed to be serious.  He thought I was amazing and despite telling me he didn't really ever want to get married, he changed his mind and we got engaged.  Exciting right?  Well, that was short lived because the feelings I always had in my gut were true.  He wasn't ever faithful .

I think that part of the reason I dated my ex-fiance was because I was ripe for the picking.  I had been single for about 9 years and had been here in Houston for about 6 years without much success in the dating/love department.   Then here comes a smart, successful doctor who thinks I'm the shit!   For once I met a guy that thought my job was amazing and wasn't intimidated by it. I for once didn't have to hide what my job was or worry about a guy asking if I'll talk about them in a blog or on the radio.  He thought it was awesome that I had a career that I was so passionate about.

Now fast forward to the end.  Here's a person that says that they loved you so much, but was lying the entire time. I mean, how could a person cheat on you as much as they did if they really loved you?  So you can see where my examples of love haven't been what they should be.

So those examples of love and relationships combined with the fact that I'm getting older have made me worry about it (love) more than I should.  I recently had the conversation with someone that said they were totally fine if they never found someone.  They had come to terms that if they never found someone that they were fine with it.  While I wish I could let it go and not worry about it and just say screw it,  I can't. I would like to experience what a good relationship is. I want to know there's someone that won't change their mind...especially at the drop of a hat.  I want to have someone that won't give up.  I want to know that there's someone that would try as much as I would.   I know it won't be perfect, but if both people try, then that's a damn good start. And let's be honest...I'd like to travel with someone and see the world with someone!

LOVE: THE ONE GOAL YOU CAN'T CONTROL

This morning while I was in the shower, I was doing some deep thinking like I often do.  I was thinking about all the goals that I've set for myself over my life. I thought about all the things that I've achieved in my life, and all the things that I've set out to overcome.  

It's often said that anything you put your mind to, you can do.  When you set your mind to something that you can make it happen.   For the most part, I believe that's true.  I know despite where I've come from: not having a lot growing up, not getting the best grades, along with other factors, I've achieved a great deal to overcome what others would see as big setbacks.  

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be in Radio or TV.  Despite not having the best grades in school, I was determined to make this my career.  With hard work, determination, and people willing to give me a chance, I've been able to make a career of that childhood dream. 

Traveling has been a goal of mine as well. Even though I might not have had a travel partner for most of it, I've been able to visit some amazing places by myself that have been on my bucket list. For instance, most recently, my trip last April to Australia. (My goal is to make it to Cape Town, South Africa soon.)  

Others goals I've set of for myself have been: buying my house, getting in a good spot financially, and finding my person.  All of those goals I can make happen or have, except when it comes to love.  Love is the one goal that I think none of us can just set out and achieve or find.  Love is something that is out of our control.  

Many parts of our destiny, we have direct impact on seeing things come to pass or not.  If we want to make more money, there are things we can control to make that happen.   If you want to buy a house, start a business, or climb the corporate ladder, those are things that can be achieved with hard work and determination.  Love is not like that. 

I certainly can say "I want to find a husband by the end of 2017." However, finding a husband and finding love are two very different things.  I could go out on 100 dates over the course the year.  I might find someone who wants to marry me, but I won't necessarily find love.  I could put myself out there, go out every night of the week, meet some amazing people, but I may not find love. 

Love is a goal that most of us have, but it seems it is the one goal that we can't just make happen.  It's the goal we have absolutely no control over.  We can put ourselves in better situations in hopes to find it, whether it's in a physical spot or a mental spot. The point is, love seems to be something you can't just set out to find. Love has its own set of rules.  Love sets out to find you.