Tuesday, June 24, 2014

DATING: WHEN SHOULD YOU START HAVING SEX?







When you start dating someone there's a time where you're going to do the horizontal mambo.  When should you have sex?   At what point in the relationship is it the best time to start having sex?  If you were to ask my mom that question she'd say, "Not until you're married!"  However, for most people these days that's not a realistic answer.

I was talking with a guy friend of mine and he told me that you shouldn't have sex with a guy until date number 5.  His reason was that you needed to make sure that the guy will stick around.  That totally makes sense.  Although, there's plenty of guys that will hold out a while for sex, but as soon they get it they still disappear.


I've heard of the third date rule.  That seems to be pretty popular these days.  In fact, some think it's the new normal.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Sometimes I've gone out on 3 dates with a guy and I'm still trying to figure out if I really find him all that interesting, let alone interesting in the sack.  I've also been on 1 or 2 dates with a guy and felt so attracted to them that I wanted to do the deed.

The scary part about it all is unless you really know what the other person's intentions are you don't know what the outcome will be once you do seal the deal.    Meaning, once you have sex is this person going to call?  Are they going want to see you again?  It's a crap shoot. 

This predicament is one of things I hate most with dating.  It seems like there's really no right answer.  Sometimes you can think you're making the right decision and it backfires on you.  One of my biggest fears in relationships is the guy changing his mind.  A lot of times once you have sex with a guy he seems to change his mind and he disappears. 

Now that I'm feeling comfortable and out dating again, sex is certainly a possibility.   If there's someone that I'm interested in and I'm attracted to when will I know is the right time?   I don't want to screw something up by "giving it up" too soon.  However, if I wait until we have a really good connection, then I'll get scared because I know once I do have sex with them I'll get attached.  And getting attached scares me because I feel vulnerable. 


  

Thursday, June 19, 2014

BEWARE OF FAKE PEOPLE WHEN ONLINE DATING!!!

I found another "catfish!" This time, I discovered  it was a" catfish" after having only a brief conversation on POF versus communicating for several weeks. If you're in the world of online dating you need to read this!


I was strolling through the eligible bachelors on Plenty of Fish when I come across a guy that had AMAZING eyes!  In the small thumbnail that I saw on my phone I could tell that this guy looked young.  I decided to click on him anyway.  To my surprise it said he was 35.  It said he was an engineer and that he had been too busy working to have a relationship, but was now really making the effort to meet someone.

I decided to send him a message.  What the hell right?  I said something like "Are you sure you're really 35?" (Because let's be honest, my BS meter was already going off.) He replied saying that he had good genes.  There were a few more emails that went back and forth after that.  He said he was originally from Houston and blah blah blah.

I couldn't help but think this guy was too good to be true.  First of all, guys that are THAT hot are NEVER single!! They just aren't! Secondly, I've never seen any guy that remotely looked like that here in Houston.  And lastly,  I just had a feeling that fish was being served up.

So here's what I decided to do.  I went online to his profile and saved the pictures that he had posted. Then I went to Google and did an image search. (Yes you can take pictures and see if they're on the internet somewhere...it's an amazing thing I learned from 'Catfish' the TV show."Then low and behold...BAM... Dietrich Riley pops up!! A UCLA alum and football player.

This is actually a couple of the photos that the fake profile used.







This guy on POF was claiming that he was this guy and that he looked like that.  However, he claimed his name was Brandon not Dietrich.  Needless to say I immediately reported his profile to POF as a catfish and within 15 minutes his profile had been yanked down.





I feel somewhat accomplished!

I have to say I'm really sharpening my detective skills and my "BS" meter has been tuned up!

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

APPRECIATING YOUR EX'S AND PAST RELATIONSHIPS

When you break up with someone you really cared for I believe you go through different stages.  Kind of like losing a loved one.  The 5 stages of loss and grief  that a person goes through with death is something that we also can go through in a breakup. After going through these stages myself I've had a moment of clarity.  I now appreciate those relationships and I even appreciate those ex's. 

If you've read my blog at all you know that I reference past relationships often.  Some of my blogs reflect these different stages.

1. Denial - We don't want to believe that the relationship is over and think that there's a still a chance of getting back together. 

I was like this for awhile with Mr. Dallas. I actually had the thought in the back of my mind when I moved hear to Texas that there was a possibility that we maybe just maybe could date again.

 

2. Anger - This can be in different forms.  Anger towards the ex, anger towards a situation or person that you see as responsible for the break up. 

As I'll explain alter this one was especially difficult for me.

3. Bargaining - This is two fold.  It's comes as the "what if's" or "if only"  The part 2 of this is trying any way to keep the relationship.  Telling your partner you'll change, begging them back.  This stage goes hand in hand with denial.

I can't tell how many times I ran down the different scenarios in my head of "if only" this happened or Maybe if I would've done ___ we'd still be together.
  
4. Depression - This comes in sorts of forms.  Whether you don't want to leave your bed or start drinking too much, these are forms of depression.  The worst is hopelessness.  It makes you believe that nothing will ever change and it can never get better.

This step to me was the toughest.  It's one I'll probably still have pop up on me here and there.  

5. Acceptance - The stage where we able to let go of the relationship and move on with our lives.  Sometimes it may feel like this stage may never come, but that's usually because there's an earlier stage that you're still dealing with. 

For me stage 2 and 4 were the hardest to get over and deal with.  The 2 major relationships that have affected me have done so in different ways.  The ending of my marriage made me more angry and bitter.

I went through a stage where I didn't think he deserved to be happy and I didn't think he deserved good things to happen to him.  I believed I was the one that deserved that.  To me, I was thought I was the better person. I just couldn't understand why God would let all the things I wanted in life go to a person that I thought didn't deserve it.

Over the years, I've realized that not everyone is on the same time frame.  Everyone has their own path.  I also realized that my anger towards him wasn't getting me anywhere.  That anger was only holding me back.  It was interfering with my path to happiness.

Now, are my ex husband and I buddies?  No. We still haven't spoke in years. However,  I'm no longer looking for answers or reasons why it didn't work or why I wasn't the one. The anger stemming from that has gone away and now I just appreciate the experiences and things I learned along the way. During that time he helped open my eyes to a lot of things. 

A few of the things that I appreciate from that relationship and from him:
* I learned a lot about the business we're in
* My appreciation for fish/sushi
* My appreciation for red wine
* Steak Rare/Medium Rare vs. Well done.
* Nice family Christmases
* Becoming a dog owner for first time




My relationship with Mr. Dallas was especially hard for me to move on from.  In many ways he holds a lot of "Best moments" in my life and a lot of "first moments."  For that reason stage 4 was hard for me.  With that breakup I can honestly say I went through all 5 stages.

The last couple of years has been a period of serious growth for me.  I had to realize that some people don't stay in your life forever and they are here just for a moment. One when you need them in your life.  Even though it took me a very long time to get this in my head I have come to terms with it.  I've come to terms that I may might not ever have as an amazing first date like we did, but that's ok. It's that moment that showed me that someone can really like me and  there are some guys willing to try. 

I appreciate all that I learned from that relationship.  I look back fondly on the great moments and experiences.  I've also learned from the things that I did wrong in that relationship.  It may not have ended the way I liked or the way I expected, but I'm grateful for the things that he showed me while we dated.

A few of things that I've taken away from that relationship:
* Make sure to ask people questions
* My love of Champagne!
* Traveling
* Be better at saving money
* Learning to try new things like Hookah
* Make sure to always say thank you
* Midday Saturday naps




All these people helped shape me into the person I am now.  Some for the better, but all of it was a learning experience.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

DID I GET CATFISHED?




When you enter the world of online dating there's always a possibility that the person you're talking to is not who they say they are.  There's even a TV show on MTV based on this very thing.  Well I think I might've had this happen to me for the first time.  Was the guy I wanted to date imaginary?

I had been talking with a guy from a dating site for a couple of weeks.  He was a good looking guy around my age. He had a good job. He kept himself in shape.  He had a couple of kids and was just now getting on back on the dating scene after a divorce.  He seemed like pretty good guy and a decent catch.

From the get go there were some things that seemed a miss. A couple of the times he would take a week to get back to my message.  To me that indicated that he wasn't interested or he had other things going on...like a girlfriend.

Most guys on dating websites message for a few days at the most.  Then they ask for your number and want to meet in person to see if there's a connection.  This guy however, didn't ask for my number, didn't ask to meet. Nothing.  When I asked him about meeting in person he told me that he was enjoying the process and wasn't in a hurry to get to the finish line.  At first I thought that was some sort of bologna line, but then I thought well maybe this guy is different.

There were other signs that could indicate that this guy wasn't who he appeared to be. The last name that he gave me wasn't real.  I tried looking him up on the internet and no one with that name existed that looked like him.  When I asked him about it he admitted that wasn't his real name, but wouldn't give me a real one. 

For some reason I let all of this go because I thought that he wanted just take things slow.  Now I feel like I'm the one that is slow.  Seriously?  I've watched Catfish the TV show a ton and yet I fall for this.

I feel really stupid because I was acting against my better judgement.  My BS meter was going off, but I ignored it because I let him convince me otherwise.  I was letting him in on knowing things about me that other people don't or weren't able to get out of me in years because I had so many walls up.  I was being vulnerable for the first time in a very long time.

I was being my authentic self.  I told the truth in everything I told him.  I had nothing to hide other than my job.  I just didn't want him to judge the persona before the person.

I think of everything that he was being shady on.  There was so much that he wasn't telling the truth on.  Not that he was lying, but he wasn't being forthcoming with information.  His real last name...didn't know it.  His job...he didn't tell me.  He wouldn't call me.  He wouldn't ask me out.  Other than his profile pictures the pictures he sent me never had a face in them.  I mean, he could've been lying about EVERYTHING and I fell for all of it.

I feel like such a sucker!  How could I fall for that?  For all I know he was some 60 old man in underwear using his son's pictures to troll the internet for chicks.  I understand people are private, but I feel like there was something else going on there.  Looking back things just didn't add up.  Did he have a girlfriend? Was he really married after all?

What have I learned?  That you should go with your gut.  If something doesn't feel right it you're probably right. 


Tuesday, June 10, 2014

WHEN FIRST IMPRESSIONS GO TERRIBLY WRONG!



It's the moment when you first meet someone and you form an opinion and mental image of that person and what they are like.  Most times this happens in face to face encounters.  However, with the world of online dating you also make first impressions.  Here's an instance where one person can say something inappropriate and the person receiving also makes a bad first impression.  One of the people I'm talking about is myself.

Over the course of me getting on and off dating websites, I've received some interesting emails.  Some of them can be inappropriate.   Some of them also just turn inappropriate.

I received a message from a guy that I had minimal contact with prior to the message up for discussion.  Up until that point everything had been "Hey how are you?' How was your day?" Then a week later I get an email that asked me "What are the odds you'll get laid this weekend?"  My first thought was, "Who does this guy think he is?"

I told a couple girlfriends about the message and they were floored as much as I was.  We all wondered if this is what dating has come to.  Were all men like this?  Were all the men on dating websites that claim they're looking for a relationship really just looking to get laid?

Part of my job is that I Facebook and write blog posts for work and my work website.  I posted about this situation on Facebook and most people were saying that it was a douche move.  And I'll be honest, I initially agreed with them.

Now fast forward a bit.  I respond back to him with non approval.  Asking if he was just trying to laid.  He claimed that he was just trying to flirt. To which I responded that he needed to work on his flirting skills as well as his delivery.

"The normal Erin" would just blown him off after that, but he kept messaging and things turned normal.  He started asking normal questions and seemed genuinely interested in me. I thought there was a great connection starting.  Well, this is where those first impressions go terribly wrong.

You see,  my first impression of him wasn't a good one.  However,  I thought he recovered quite well. Maybe he was one of those guys that did just have a terrible opening line.  I had moved past it.  Although, there was something still out there that said otherwise. There was that Facebook post and web article for work I had written based on my first impression of him.   

One of my biggest obstacles with my job and being single is that every guy I date Googles me and forms an opinion based on the "public Erin" vs. the "private Erin." Most times they don't take the time get to know the real Erin.  They see what I do for work and are never to be heard from again.

Well, this guy Googled me and found the post that was inspired by his bad opening line.  I tried to explain that we both made a somewhat bad first impression. Him with his bad pickup line and me with my web post for work.  I apologized profusely for my part.  I never meant to hurt his feelings, or upset him.  I accept my part of what happened, but he has not spoke to me since and I doubt he ever will.

Needless to say, even though my initial reaction might've been correct and he might've been in it for one thing, it's my bad impression on him that has made him take off...apparently.

We learn from this and move forward.  That's all we can do at this point.