Monday, September 17, 2012

WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST BE HONEST?




It's always so interesting to me how honesty comes so hard for some people. Granted, there are times where you might not want to hurt someone’s feelings, but why can't someone just say what’s really going on?  Especially, when the other person is asking you to be honest.

Very recently I went out with a guy a few times.  Our dates were usually quick lunch time dates because he had a pretty tight schedule and most nights of the week he was tied up.  I thought it was nice. Even though he didn't have a lot of time he tried to at least squeeze me in.  

For our third "date" he wanted to know if I wanted to come over to his pool for a bit.  The only thing was I was coming from the Texan game and was tailgating from about 8am.  I tried to cancel for 2 reasons.  1.  I had been tailgating since 8am and didn't think that was the best way for him to see me. 2.  He had a kid that he had to pick up in less than 2 hours.  I figured we could take a rain check, but he insisted. So I went and met him.

When it was time for him to leave to get his kid he walked me to my car and gave me the classic side hug and said "Thanks girl for coming over."  Wait a second!! "THANKS GIRL?"  What is that about?? 

I blew it off and went home to take a nap.  After I woke up I thought, "Oh he starts a new job I should be nice and tell him good luck." So I shot off a text message telling him to have a good first day at his new job and I get back, "Thanks girl, going to bed now."  Okay!! What is going on here? I had a feeling something was different. I felt like I just went into the friend zone.

The next couple of days go by and I don't hear from him.  Alright, he did start a new job and he is busy, but that's the girl in me making excuses for him.  Up until that point I heard from him every day and several times a day.  So when I get "thanks girl" and crickets I knew this guy was not digging the "Erin Austin."

It may sound weird to some people, but I wanted to know for sure if he wasn't interested.  Because if there was something that I did that I can improve on I want to know.  Did I not ask enough questions? Did he think I was a little much? Or was he just not feeling me? If there was something that I can change so I don't do it next time, great let's fix it! If it's just a matter of not feeling like we have chemistry then that's cool too.

I was feeling ballsy and decided to send him a text to get to the bottom of it.  "Hey, hope your new job is going good. I was having fun getting to know and would like to hang out again. If you think we're better off just as friends, that's cool too." 

The response I got back was one I wouldn't have guessed.  "I'm about to die, getting up at 5 is for the birds."   Huh?? What the heck is that?  He completely avoided my questions!  Here I am giving this guy an "out" and he can't even take it.  In fact, I'm letting get out the easy way by doing it in a text and he still can't even take it!! WHAT THE HECK??

Granted, we only went on a few dates, but if a guy asked me why I was acting weird or distant I'd tell him.  In fact, about 2 months ago I went on a few dates with a guy and decided he was just too much for me.  I felt he was just too affectionate for knowing me as little as he did.  It freaked me out and I told him.  At first I was waiting to see if he calmed down on his own, but he didn't and once he asked me why I was being standoff-ish I told him the truth.  I told him that if a guy comes on really strong and acts like they're too into me it freaks me out because I'm afraid that they'll change they're mind.

I know the truth hurts at times.  And I'm not saying that you need to spew out hurtful truths all the time, but I do believe if someone wants an answer that you should be as truthful as you can.  Even if it might hurt their feelings a little.  I know I'd like to hear it when I ask for it. Like the dude that called me "girl;" if he would've told me that he was dating someone else. That sucks, but I’ll get over it. Or if he would've said that once he saw me in a bikini he wasn't feeling it. OK that sucks too, but hey you know what? I can work out more if I want to and find someone else that does like what they see.  No need to be with someone that makes you feel insecure.

Why are people so scared to tell the truth? Is it because they're afraid to hurt someone's feelings?  Are they afraid to lose someone for their farm team? Do they not want to be the bad guy even if there is no bad guy? Where did the honesty go? 




5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sweetie... This whole thing has red flags.

1. The lunch dates. You are making excuses for his tight schedule. If a guy wants to take a girl out at night, he WILL find the time.

2. Don't text a guy to find out what went wrong. He's just not that into you. Move on.

3. If a guy comes on too strong and affectionate you are afraid he will change his mind? First- don't ever reveal that to a guy. Second- work out the issue with a shrink. It's your issue- not the guy's.

4. No one makes us feel insecure. We do that just fine on our own.

You need to work out your own issues first before you try to find something real. Figure out how to get your confidence up, work out your own insecurities and LOVE yourself. The rest will fall into place. Forget about the dudes and focus on yourself first. And get a good guy friend to give you some tough love and listen to it.

Erin Austin said...

You know what's funny...the typical cynical Erin would sit there and absolutely agree with you on 1. and 2.

I was definitely making excuses for him on #1.

On #2 I guess I figured I usually let it drift off into the dating abyss. However, lately I've been especially hard on myself and thought if there's something I'm doing wrong I'd like to know what it is.

But I agree that I should've just let it go.

3. Granted it's partly my issue, but also I think guys that come on really strong are kind of of clingy and have you believe they'll give you the moon and rarely deliver.

4. I see you're point...but don't you think if you had someone pick you apart or point out your flaws you might get a little insecure about it after a while?

As for the rest of it...I'm still workin on it. Piece by piece. I wish it didn't take so long. :)

Anonymous said...

The first anonymous commenter is spot on. Take dating for what it is. Most people you date with won't evolve into a relationship. Just don't take it so personally.

If a guy or girl is really interested in the other person, that includes you, they'll always find a way to make time for that other person into his/her life.

I dumped him because he came on too strong too early and maybe clingy, or scheduling only lunch dates are just cop out excuses.

Erin Austin said...

I talked with a co-worker and she made a good point. I want to have the answer for why dude #1, 2, or 3 isn't interested. When really, these guys didn't hang out long enough to get to know me to have a say in it.

So...I shouldn't take it personal. Although it's tough sometimes.

Anonymous said...

As a guy, I am certain that men decide whether they're interested in a woman much quicker compared to women. There's also research that backs this theory up such as men falling in love faster than women.

Your co-worker gave you an honest feedback, but it was from her perspective. You should also talk to a guy co-worker or a friend to get a man's perspective.

The truth is probably that the guys you went out with weren't all that interested in you romantically to begin with and hence didn't hang out long enough to get to know you.

Don't take rejections personally though. Everyone gets rejected in life, both in dating and in other areas as well. There are plenty of single people, so just remain positive.