When I talked with life coach Melissa Maleug about the things I wanted in a man, she told me to write all those qualities down in a list and print it up. So I did. I made several copies and posted them up so that I could look at it often and hopefully attract that person to me. Now so far it hasn't happened but, maybe it's still being worked out to come my way.
As you know, I'm looking for a new job. Fortunately I have some time on my side but, I'm still being pro-active to find my next stop in life. So I was thinking, "Maybe I should come up with that same type of list for my next job, so that I can attract that to me." Some of these are must's and some are things I'd like to have.
THINGS I'M LOOKING FOR IN MY NEXT JOB
A great opportunity for me in my long term career
A place where I'll have lots of great opportunities.
A place where I'll be able to expand and grow my true potential
A station with good management
A station that's in a good company
A station that's in a stable company
A station that does well in the ratings
A job that pays well
A job that pays me well enough to be able to save money.
A station/management where my talented is appreciated.
To be on a winning show/day part
To have great co-workers
To have co-workers that are easy to get along with.
A place where I will get friends easy.
A place where I will have good girl friends
A city where I will have great friends.
A city is economic to live in.
A city where I could by a place of my own.
A place that will be good for Sexie
A state where there's no income tax.
A city where dating will be easier.
A place where I can find Mr. Good for me
A place where the weather is nicer.
A city where's there is lots to do.
A city with lots of nice restaurants to try.
A city where people will come and visit me.
These are some things to start off with. I'm sure I'll come up with more. I just hope that I'll be able to find a job that has most if not all of these attributes.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND
Does this ever really happen? I know when something bad happens to you by the hand of another, people close to you usually say..."Well, what goes around come around." or "They'll get theirs someday." I know that people say that but, does it ever really happen?
Sometimes you hear the term 'Paybacks a bitch.' Some may say that to their friend after they play a practical joke on you but, have you ever thought that after something else has happened? I know the days where I've been irritated, bothered or angry, I thought that saying in my head. I know...not good.
Or the word 'Karma' comes to mind. People use this term in both good and bad situations. If you do good things...good things will come to you. Or just the opposite, if you do bad things bad things will come to you. There's a saying in the bible...Do unto others as you'd have done unto you. That goes along the same lines. It seems like a pretty simple philosophy to live by. So why is it that you still have people that mistreat you?
I've been reading The Secret, and trying to stay positive with things. So, the thought is you wish good things to happen to people(even if they mistreated you) in hopes that that energy will come to you. What you put out there is what you get back. I am doing my best on this but, here's my problem. When you have someone that was mean, or hurtful to you and they seem to have no problem with what they did to you and they're not apologetic...how do you wish really great things for them? Basically, how can you hope good for them when they don't feel sorry or maybe even realize the things they did was wrong and they are off living the happy life?
I have a friend that told me once, "Erin, I'm one of those people that if you hurt me...I want to hurt you 10x more." I have to admit, I'm a little like that too. Although, I usually don't do anything about it except maybe write a blog about them. Although, I know one time I told someone I hoped they burned in HELL! Needless to say I think that might've bothered them. Anytime you say that God will have his way with them...I think scares people!
So what do I need to take from all of this? I will hope for the best for people. I will do my best to be happy for people even if they've been mean, or disrespectful to me. But I can't help but wonder... like the Justin Timberlake song...what goes around comes around...true or not true?
Sometimes you hear the term 'Paybacks a bitch.' Some may say that to their friend after they play a practical joke on you but, have you ever thought that after something else has happened? I know the days where I've been irritated, bothered or angry, I thought that saying in my head. I know...not good.
Or the word 'Karma' comes to mind. People use this term in both good and bad situations. If you do good things...good things will come to you. Or just the opposite, if you do bad things bad things will come to you. There's a saying in the bible...Do unto others as you'd have done unto you. That goes along the same lines. It seems like a pretty simple philosophy to live by. So why is it that you still have people that mistreat you?
I've been reading The Secret, and trying to stay positive with things. So, the thought is you wish good things to happen to people(even if they mistreated you) in hopes that that energy will come to you. What you put out there is what you get back. I am doing my best on this but, here's my problem. When you have someone that was mean, or hurtful to you and they seem to have no problem with what they did to you and they're not apologetic...how do you wish really great things for them? Basically, how can you hope good for them when they don't feel sorry or maybe even realize the things they did was wrong and they are off living the happy life?
I have a friend that told me once, "Erin, I'm one of those people that if you hurt me...I want to hurt you 10x more." I have to admit, I'm a little like that too. Although, I usually don't do anything about it except maybe write a blog about them. Although, I know one time I told someone I hoped they burned in HELL! Needless to say I think that might've bothered them. Anytime you say that God will have his way with them...I think scares people!
So what do I need to take from all of this? I will hope for the best for people. I will do my best to be happy for people even if they've been mean, or disrespectful to me. But I can't help but wonder... like the Justin Timberlake song...what goes around comes around...true or not true?
Monday, May 18, 2009
DO YOU COMPARE YOURSELF?
After learning of my ex's new engagement, I couldn't help but think of things and start comparing myself. I know as well as you do that I shouldn't do it and its not fair to me but, I still do it to myself.
Ever since the two of them started dating and were together awhile I wondered does he treat her better than he treated me/treats me? Then I wondered, if he does treat heR better why was I the one that he decided to be a that way to? Does he compliment her? Does he make her feel good about herself? Does he display his affection for her better than he did with me?
When I learned that they were engaged, a new set of thoughts come to me to compare myself to her. I wondered is her ring bigger than mine? (probably) And if it is...does that mean he cares for her more or just has more money now? How did he propose to her? Did he do it in the parking lot of an Italian restaurant like he did me? Did he cry? What it what she always wanted? And why didn't I get the dream proposal? I even thought, I wonder he loves her more that he loved me when we were married?
AHHH!...See...I know that thinking this way is not good for me but, I can't help it. You see, even though I DON'T want to be married to him anymore I do bear scars that I carry from that time. I'm still dealing with those scars now.
The biggest scar I bear is rejection. I ultimately feel rejected by my former mate. Both physically and mentally. I feel mentally rejected and here's why. I'm a girl that likes to be complimented. I like being told that I look pretty without having to go fishing for the compliment. I like having someone tell me that I look pretty in the morning even with crust in my eyes. The only compliment that I would get on a regular basis was that I was very talented. I needed more than that. I also was made to feel like I was irrational all the time and the things that bothered me were insignificant. I was always ridiculous. When I cried about things...well...
I feel rejected in another way...physically. If you think about it a second you might figure it out. This is the way I feel rejected the most. It's also something that I don't EVER think I'll get over. I'm very sensitive and when something like that happens to you, you start to have a lot of self doubt. I wondered what was wrong with me, was there something wrong with him? Was I too fat...did he no longer find me attractive? If you ever have this happen to you or have had it happen to you...you might understand. Living with that self doubt for years takes a toll on one's self esteem.
I can tell that his new fiance is a very confident. She seems very sure of herself and knows what she wants. So maybe the things I struggled with wouldn't bother her at all. Maybe that's why it works for them. The things that I require from a man are not the same things that she needs. I am done comparing now but, I just wondered if I was the only one that thought about this stuff.
Ever since the two of them started dating and were together awhile I wondered does he treat her better than he treated me/treats me? Then I wondered, if he does treat heR better why was I the one that he decided to be a that way to? Does he compliment her? Does he make her feel good about herself? Does he display his affection for her better than he did with me?
When I learned that they were engaged, a new set of thoughts come to me to compare myself to her. I wondered is her ring bigger than mine? (probably) And if it is...does that mean he cares for her more or just has more money now? How did he propose to her? Did he do it in the parking lot of an Italian restaurant like he did me? Did he cry? What it what she always wanted? And why didn't I get the dream proposal? I even thought, I wonder he loves her more that he loved me when we were married?
AHHH!...See...I know that thinking this way is not good for me but, I can't help it. You see, even though I DON'T want to be married to him anymore I do bear scars that I carry from that time. I'm still dealing with those scars now.
The biggest scar I bear is rejection. I ultimately feel rejected by my former mate. Both physically and mentally. I feel mentally rejected and here's why. I'm a girl that likes to be complimented. I like being told that I look pretty without having to go fishing for the compliment. I like having someone tell me that I look pretty in the morning even with crust in my eyes. The only compliment that I would get on a regular basis was that I was very talented. I needed more than that. I also was made to feel like I was irrational all the time and the things that bothered me were insignificant. I was always ridiculous. When I cried about things...well...
I feel rejected in another way...physically. If you think about it a second you might figure it out. This is the way I feel rejected the most. It's also something that I don't EVER think I'll get over. I'm very sensitive and when something like that happens to you, you start to have a lot of self doubt. I wondered what was wrong with me, was there something wrong with him? Was I too fat...did he no longer find me attractive? If you ever have this happen to you or have had it happen to you...you might understand. Living with that self doubt for years takes a toll on one's self esteem.
I can tell that his new fiance is a very confident. She seems very sure of herself and knows what she wants. So maybe the things I struggled with wouldn't bother her at all. Maybe that's why it works for them. The things that I require from a man are not the same things that she needs. I am done comparing now but, I just wondered if I was the only one that thought about this stuff.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
THE AIR HAS BEEN CLEARED AND I FEEL A SENSE OF RELIEF
Yesterday I had the most interesting phone call and conversation. I got a phone call from my ex's new fiance! She said that she just wanted to talk and clear the air. I was floored. Not only was I shocked by the call itself but I was surprised when I heard the word "fiance." I had NO idea they were engaged. Now, it's not really surprising that he's getting married. In fact, I always had a feeling the two of them would get married, I guess I just assumed he would tell me himself. Now to her defense, she thought I already knew. In fact, she said that she felt so bad telling me on my VM and if she knew that I didn't know she wouldn't have done that.
After she left me the VM I quickly called the ex to see if he knew what she wanted. What did she want to say? Was she going to yell? He told me that it wasn't bad but he wasn't really sure, so just call her and talk. (which I'm sure he was petrified of). All of these thoughts went through my mind. I wondered what she wanted and then I couldn't help but think..."I wonder if he treats her better than he did me?" I couldn't help but compare myself...which isn't fair to me.
I'll even admit I was a little sad. Not because he was getting married to someone else. It's inevitable. I was sad because I'd like to think that I'm a great catch and yet HE's getting married and I can't even find a boyfriend. It's petty I know. I guess I just didn't want to look the loser that can't find anyone. Like there's something wrong with me. And I feel a little bit like that right now. Like what's wrong with this girl that she can't get a boyfriend if her life depended on it...let alone a date? Like I'm the bad one. I just got to keep telling myself that the right person for me just hasn't come around yet and God is working on it. And there is a plan for me.
When I called the fiance back she was very pleasant and started off the conversation in a way that made me feel at ease. She told me that there was all sorts of things that have been said and she wanted to get things straight. I honestly feel so bad for her over the things that people have said or suggested to her. Some of the things mena towards her AND me. The absolute lies that people have told her about me. Things that are just to make her feel bad and other things to make ME look bad. Telling her that I still want my ex. That I want to move and work in the same building as him. All of which couldn't be further from the truth. I reassured her that from the day we got divorced I never wanted him back, all I wanted was to be friends and have his respect. I always hoped that he and I could've been better friends but I'm not sure he can.
I told her how I always thought that SHE hated ME. I told her of a time where I called him to talk and she got upset. She immediately knew the time I was talking about. The reason for her being so upset was because people were feeding her lies of me wanting to be his wife again. When funny thing was, I SO just wanted to be friends and get his opinion on things. Sometimes I called him when a guy would dump me and I would get the "Erin don't call him" talk. I will say it over and over again. ALL I EVER WANTED AND WOULD STILL WANT IS JUST TO BE FRIENDS.
One thing that hurts that people said to her was that I cheated on my ex. Which I never did. There was a time where I thought that the reason he and I were having problems was because I had gained weight since we got married and maybe if I lost weight he would find me more attractive. So I went to a gym and hired a trainer who happened to be very attractive. My trainer flirted with me a lot. It made me feel good. Here you have someone that's attractive and they find you attractive. They complimented you. It was just flirting. Which I ate up, because at the time I felt so unwanted. So, moral of the story is he and I were just friends and nothing ever happened. In fact, we NEVER saw each other besides at the gym.
Now, will the ex, the new fiance, and I ever be chummy and hung out? Probably not. Although after my conversation with her I actually think that she and I would be more comfortable than he would. Honestly, the whole thing in a way is sad. For the last year or so of my life I felt crappy thinking that there was some girl that hated me and I had no idea why...and she probably felt the same way. When...who knows, we might've been able to be friends in different circumstances.
I know in the past I wrote a blog that was about her. I was so angry at the time because I thought she hated me and I didn't know why. I needed to vent. Also, I know that from time to time I will bring up things about my ex. I don't write these things to hurt people or to be mean and malicious. I write because I am VERY honest...Too honest. I probably need a filter. But I'm a emotional person. I analyze and reflect and sometimes I get sad and then get angry because I never got answers or real true closure of what went wrong. I never meant to hurt anybody's feelings with the things I said about the ex. I also apologize for the things that I wrote that may have been hurtful towards her.
I will say that there are things that happened in my relationship with the ex that have hurt me to my core and things I still struggle with mentally. I actually told her and him that. I sometimes wonder was it me? Why did he not try? Why was I not good enough? Why did I not make him happy? I know that after 3 years of being divorced I should have been able to figure it out or let it go but, I'm not really wired that way. I need a concrete answer to ease my mind. The answer maybe hard to swallow, but at least I'd have the answer. That's why I still get angry sometimes and may write about my experiences with him because I was trying to make sense of it. Now maybe I can make a little more sense of things.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me knowing that there's no issues that either one of us have with each other. I am so glad that she reached out to talk. It really took a lot of guts to do that. I know that she doesn't want me to think she's crazy, which I SO don't. And I hope that she doesn't think I'm the crazy ex-wife. I don't like it when people don't like me. And it's a weird quality I have but I just want acceptance. I'm glad the we could put this enormous misunderstanding to rest and on both sides not to believe the B.S.Think of it...this all started because people either wanted start trouble or just plain lie.
After she left me the VM I quickly called the ex to see if he knew what she wanted. What did she want to say? Was she going to yell? He told me that it wasn't bad but he wasn't really sure, so just call her and talk. (which I'm sure he was petrified of). All of these thoughts went through my mind. I wondered what she wanted and then I couldn't help but think..."I wonder if he treats her better than he did me?" I couldn't help but compare myself...which isn't fair to me.
I'll even admit I was a little sad. Not because he was getting married to someone else. It's inevitable. I was sad because I'd like to think that I'm a great catch and yet HE's getting married and I can't even find a boyfriend. It's petty I know. I guess I just didn't want to look the loser that can't find anyone. Like there's something wrong with me. And I feel a little bit like that right now. Like what's wrong with this girl that she can't get a boyfriend if her life depended on it...let alone a date? Like I'm the bad one. I just got to keep telling myself that the right person for me just hasn't come around yet and God is working on it. And there is a plan for me.
When I called the fiance back she was very pleasant and started off the conversation in a way that made me feel at ease. She told me that there was all sorts of things that have been said and she wanted to get things straight. I honestly feel so bad for her over the things that people have said or suggested to her. Some of the things mena towards her AND me. The absolute lies that people have told her about me. Things that are just to make her feel bad and other things to make ME look bad. Telling her that I still want my ex. That I want to move and work in the same building as him. All of which couldn't be further from the truth. I reassured her that from the day we got divorced I never wanted him back, all I wanted was to be friends and have his respect. I always hoped that he and I could've been better friends but I'm not sure he can.
I told her how I always thought that SHE hated ME. I told her of a time where I called him to talk and she got upset. She immediately knew the time I was talking about. The reason for her being so upset was because people were feeding her lies of me wanting to be his wife again. When funny thing was, I SO just wanted to be friends and get his opinion on things. Sometimes I called him when a guy would dump me and I would get the "Erin don't call him" talk. I will say it over and over again. ALL I EVER WANTED AND WOULD STILL WANT IS JUST TO BE FRIENDS.
One thing that hurts that people said to her was that I cheated on my ex. Which I never did. There was a time where I thought that the reason he and I were having problems was because I had gained weight since we got married and maybe if I lost weight he would find me more attractive. So I went to a gym and hired a trainer who happened to be very attractive. My trainer flirted with me a lot. It made me feel good. Here you have someone that's attractive and they find you attractive. They complimented you. It was just flirting. Which I ate up, because at the time I felt so unwanted. So, moral of the story is he and I were just friends and nothing ever happened. In fact, we NEVER saw each other besides at the gym.
Now, will the ex, the new fiance, and I ever be chummy and hung out? Probably not. Although after my conversation with her I actually think that she and I would be more comfortable than he would. Honestly, the whole thing in a way is sad. For the last year or so of my life I felt crappy thinking that there was some girl that hated me and I had no idea why...and she probably felt the same way. When...who knows, we might've been able to be friends in different circumstances.
I know in the past I wrote a blog that was about her. I was so angry at the time because I thought she hated me and I didn't know why. I needed to vent. Also, I know that from time to time I will bring up things about my ex. I don't write these things to hurt people or to be mean and malicious. I write because I am VERY honest...Too honest. I probably need a filter. But I'm a emotional person. I analyze and reflect and sometimes I get sad and then get angry because I never got answers or real true closure of what went wrong. I never meant to hurt anybody's feelings with the things I said about the ex. I also apologize for the things that I wrote that may have been hurtful towards her.
I will say that there are things that happened in my relationship with the ex that have hurt me to my core and things I still struggle with mentally. I actually told her and him that. I sometimes wonder was it me? Why did he not try? Why was I not good enough? Why did I not make him happy? I know that after 3 years of being divorced I should have been able to figure it out or let it go but, I'm not really wired that way. I need a concrete answer to ease my mind. The answer maybe hard to swallow, but at least I'd have the answer. That's why I still get angry sometimes and may write about my experiences with him because I was trying to make sense of it. Now maybe I can make a little more sense of things.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me knowing that there's no issues that either one of us have with each other. I am so glad that she reached out to talk. It really took a lot of guts to do that. I know that she doesn't want me to think she's crazy, which I SO don't. And I hope that she doesn't think I'm the crazy ex-wife. I don't like it when people don't like me. And it's a weird quality I have but I just want acceptance. I'm glad the we could put this enormous misunderstanding to rest and on both sides not to believe the B.S.Think of it...this all started because people either wanted start trouble or just plain lie.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
DO YOU EVER?
As you know I have a lot of time on my hands these and I think A LOT! I ponder all sorts of things. From the "Am I Normal?" to the "Wow that's interesting." I think when...see there I an thinking again...but seriously, when I get towards that time (if you know what I mean)I start to think even more. Or maybe I just pay more attention to those little thoughts.
I was sitting in the bathroom and wondered why is it that when I go to the bathroom I sometimes just want to sit and think? Why do I find the toilet a good place to contemplate my life? Do you ever do that? Like today, I'm at work going pee. I'm done, but I continue to sit there because it's quiet and I can just think and ask questions to myself. This may sound bizarre but I ask God questions too. For instance, With my hands covering my face, I ask inside my head, "God when will ever find a new job? God I pray that you'll bring me a job that's a good opportunity for me."
Do you ever wonder if people think about you? There's several people that I've called a few times and they've never got back to me. Do they even care? When people think of you do they think fondly? I wonder sometimes who thinks of me. When they think of me do they wish that they would've done something differently? Treated me differently, wish that we met at a different time in life? Do they think I'm funny...or weird? Does it really mean someone is thinking of you when your ears burn or your nose itches?
Do you ever wish you could just show them? I think about that sometimes. Like my ex. I'd like to show him that I could do it without him. That I could get a job on my own without his help. Even though I have always appreciated the help he gave...I want to see if I can do it by myself. Even though he makes 6 figures, I can be just as successful without him. I hope one day I can show just how far I've come. Or the ex-boyfriend that dumped you and he finds out you're even hotter, and more successful than when you two were together.
Do you ever daydream what it would be like to win the lottery? I think about all the people I'd give money to and projects I'd start up. I like to think about how my parents wouldn't need to worry anymore. Like getting them a personal chef to watch what they eat. I also think snotty stuff like whose house I'd drive by in my brand new Mercedes Benz CLS..honk..flip them the bird and yell "SUCKER!" out my window!
Do you ever think about what you may look like when you're old? Will you stay in good shape? Or will you turn into a big person? How wrinkly are you going to get? Will you be alone in a nursing home? I know that's a scary thought.
Do you ever wonder why you dream about the people you do? Lately I've been having weird dreams about people in my past. One of the dreams made no sense at all and the other dream I actually had last night. I had a dream that this person was hurting my feeling and didn't even care. I actually had that as a reoccurring dream when I still spoke with them.
So...do you ever do, think, or wonder those things?
I was sitting in the bathroom and wondered why is it that when I go to the bathroom I sometimes just want to sit and think? Why do I find the toilet a good place to contemplate my life? Do you ever do that? Like today, I'm at work going pee. I'm done, but I continue to sit there because it's quiet and I can just think and ask questions to myself. This may sound bizarre but I ask God questions too. For instance, With my hands covering my face, I ask inside my head, "God when will ever find a new job? God I pray that you'll bring me a job that's a good opportunity for me."
Do you ever wonder if people think about you? There's several people that I've called a few times and they've never got back to me. Do they even care? When people think of you do they think fondly? I wonder sometimes who thinks of me. When they think of me do they wish that they would've done something differently? Treated me differently, wish that we met at a different time in life? Do they think I'm funny...or weird? Does it really mean someone is thinking of you when your ears burn or your nose itches?
Do you ever wish you could just show them? I think about that sometimes. Like my ex. I'd like to show him that I could do it without him. That I could get a job on my own without his help. Even though I have always appreciated the help he gave...I want to see if I can do it by myself. Even though he makes 6 figures, I can be just as successful without him. I hope one day I can show just how far I've come. Or the ex-boyfriend that dumped you and he finds out you're even hotter, and more successful than when you two were together.
Do you ever daydream what it would be like to win the lottery? I think about all the people I'd give money to and projects I'd start up. I like to think about how my parents wouldn't need to worry anymore. Like getting them a personal chef to watch what they eat. I also think snotty stuff like whose house I'd drive by in my brand new Mercedes Benz CLS..honk..flip them the bird and yell "SUCKER!" out my window!
Do you ever think about what you may look like when you're old? Will you stay in good shape? Or will you turn into a big person? How wrinkly are you going to get? Will you be alone in a nursing home? I know that's a scary thought.
Do you ever wonder why you dream about the people you do? Lately I've been having weird dreams about people in my past. One of the dreams made no sense at all and the other dream I actually had last night. I had a dream that this person was hurting my feeling and didn't even care. I actually had that as a reoccurring dream when I still spoke with them.
So...do you ever do, think, or wonder those things?
Monday, May 4, 2009
THE FEAR OF FAILURE
Everyone I think in some way shape or form is scared of failure. Personally and professionally. Some of us are so consumed by it that we fail to make the proper moves in our life. Afraid of the unknown. Consumed by the what ifs.
In professional areas I think many of us are afraid of failure. I know I am. I'm afraid of 1. Will I find another job? 2. When I get a job...will I still know what I'm doing and do well? 3. Will my career ever be what I want it to be? I don't know which one consumes me more. Now that I've been somewhat out of work for awhile, I wonder do I still have the skills to put on a show? In the nearly 7 months of being off the air...can I still be entertaining?
Many people fear losing their job these days. With so many people out of work in every field, people that are still employed wonder are they going to make the cut...are they next to get the ax? It's a very stressful position to be in. No matter if you have a family or you're all alone and just have yourself to take care of.
Personally, is another area we have the fear of failure. I can think of several scenarios. I remember, when I thought of getting divorced I remember thinking could I afford to go it alone? My ex made a salary in the 6 figures, while I made a salary of $27,000 a year. We were a package deal where we got hired and he got the better end of the package. I made extra money here and there through things at work..but it wasn't something that was not guaranteed. I knew if I got divorced my lifestyle would change. No more fancy dinners...no more cute house with all the amenities. Nope! I did it though. I moved out into a 1 bedroom apartment with a freezer that melted all my food and a heater that made horrible noises at night. Oh yeah, and the hallway smelled like pee. I know things would be uncomfortable for awhile. Going from having someone always there, to having no one even around. Going from buying things if I wanted, to to bouncing my checking account. All the while I wasn't worried if I'd meet someone because all I knew was that I deserved to be treated better than I had been treated. I took the leap and made it.
I still have the fear that I will fail at my next marriage(if that ever happens). After my divorce I went through a LONG period where I feel like I failed. I felt like I was a bad person. That I was less of a person because I was divorced. It has taken me a long time to tell myself that "I didn't fail the marriage, I tried. He didn't want to try. I wanted counseling. He canceled the appointments. So it's not me the failed. That person failed me and failed to be my husband through good times and bad til death do us part."
It's easy to say but, we need to stop worrying about failure. No more worrying about "what ifs." Try your damnedest and take a leap. It may be uncomfortable, it may be out of your comfort zone, but you never know what your life can truly be if you worry about failure.
In professional areas I think many of us are afraid of failure. I know I am. I'm afraid of 1. Will I find another job? 2. When I get a job...will I still know what I'm doing and do well? 3. Will my career ever be what I want it to be? I don't know which one consumes me more. Now that I've been somewhat out of work for awhile, I wonder do I still have the skills to put on a show? In the nearly 7 months of being off the air...can I still be entertaining?
Many people fear losing their job these days. With so many people out of work in every field, people that are still employed wonder are they going to make the cut...are they next to get the ax? It's a very stressful position to be in. No matter if you have a family or you're all alone and just have yourself to take care of.
Personally, is another area we have the fear of failure. I can think of several scenarios. I remember, when I thought of getting divorced I remember thinking could I afford to go it alone? My ex made a salary in the 6 figures, while I made a salary of $27,000 a year. We were a package deal where we got hired and he got the better end of the package. I made extra money here and there through things at work..but it wasn't something that was not guaranteed. I knew if I got divorced my lifestyle would change. No more fancy dinners...no more cute house with all the amenities. Nope! I did it though. I moved out into a 1 bedroom apartment with a freezer that melted all my food and a heater that made horrible noises at night. Oh yeah, and the hallway smelled like pee. I know things would be uncomfortable for awhile. Going from having someone always there, to having no one even around. Going from buying things if I wanted, to to bouncing my checking account. All the while I wasn't worried if I'd meet someone because all I knew was that I deserved to be treated better than I had been treated. I took the leap and made it.
I still have the fear that I will fail at my next marriage(if that ever happens). After my divorce I went through a LONG period where I feel like I failed. I felt like I was a bad person. That I was less of a person because I was divorced. It has taken me a long time to tell myself that "I didn't fail the marriage, I tried. He didn't want to try. I wanted counseling. He canceled the appointments. So it's not me the failed. That person failed me and failed to be my husband through good times and bad til death do us part."
It's easy to say but, we need to stop worrying about failure. No more worrying about "what ifs." Try your damnedest and take a leap. It may be uncomfortable, it may be out of your comfort zone, but you never know what your life can truly be if you worry about failure.
THE DYNAMICS HAVE CHANGED
God know that I have enough on my plate right now. God knows, that at the moment I don't want anything serious...and God knows that I'm really not dwelling on this...just a little sad at the moment. I'm the last single girl.
We've talked about this before. In the past I've been upset and bothered knowing everyone seems to have someone except me. I've been upset over it and a little depressed. Lately, I feel fine with not having a boyfriend. I mean, anytime I'll find a job more than likely out of the area and there will be no point in dating anyone seriously.
Although, I can't help but be a little sad when all my friends seem to be busy making plans with the guys in their life and they don't as much time with you as they used to. Funny thing is, I know that's how it goes. It's the nature of relationships. Girl finds guy...and girl doesn't spend time with friends as much. I guess I'm just sad because it's ALL of my girls now. Even my friends back home. I think I'm the only girl that's got NOBODY. I guess I'm just a little sad that we don't all have the free time like we used to.
Like I said, I know this is how it goes. It's too bad right now...but I've noticed the change. If your friend can squeeze you in...the guy is always there or you end up being the extra wheel everywhere, or they just aren't free. And I feel kind of silly because I'm always available. I'm the one without a boyfriend so I've got more time. I feel like if the girls ask me to do something I have to do it because if I don't, this was my one shot and their schedule is full so take it or leave it.
It's the nature of life. You find someone and things change. I was getting so used to us girls doing everything together that now that it's different...it's tough. Although I should get used to not hanging with my girlfriends as much. Soon enough I won't be hanging out with them at all. I may not even talk with them as much. I'll have moved and started spending my time in a new city by myself. My girlfriends here in Milwaukee I got fairly easy. It all seemed to fall into place. Will the next place be as easy?
I'm excited about the possibility of moving and getting a fresh start. The problem with that is...when you move to a new city you really DO have to start all over again! New friends...new home...new gym...new restaurants...new place to learn and a NEW JOB! Then the dating!!! In the nearly 2 years that I've lived here, the longest I've dated someone is 3 months and the back and forth afterwards. But, we met online. 1 other guy that lasted a month ...online. When I move, how am I going to meet people? Only online?? It's not like I've had a ton of success. Will I live in the next city for years and years and never find anyone but all my friends will?
We've talked about this before. In the past I've been upset and bothered knowing everyone seems to have someone except me. I've been upset over it and a little depressed. Lately, I feel fine with not having a boyfriend. I mean, anytime I'll find a job more than likely out of the area and there will be no point in dating anyone seriously.
Although, I can't help but be a little sad when all my friends seem to be busy making plans with the guys in their life and they don't as much time with you as they used to. Funny thing is, I know that's how it goes. It's the nature of relationships. Girl finds guy...and girl doesn't spend time with friends as much. I guess I'm just sad because it's ALL of my girls now. Even my friends back home. I think I'm the only girl that's got NOBODY. I guess I'm just a little sad that we don't all have the free time like we used to.
Like I said, I know this is how it goes. It's too bad right now...but I've noticed the change. If your friend can squeeze you in...the guy is always there or you end up being the extra wheel everywhere, or they just aren't free. And I feel kind of silly because I'm always available. I'm the one without a boyfriend so I've got more time. I feel like if the girls ask me to do something I have to do it because if I don't, this was my one shot and their schedule is full so take it or leave it.
It's the nature of life. You find someone and things change. I was getting so used to us girls doing everything together that now that it's different...it's tough. Although I should get used to not hanging with my girlfriends as much. Soon enough I won't be hanging out with them at all. I may not even talk with them as much. I'll have moved and started spending my time in a new city by myself. My girlfriends here in Milwaukee I got fairly easy. It all seemed to fall into place. Will the next place be as easy?
I'm excited about the possibility of moving and getting a fresh start. The problem with that is...when you move to a new city you really DO have to start all over again! New friends...new home...new gym...new restaurants...new place to learn and a NEW JOB! Then the dating!!! In the nearly 2 years that I've lived here, the longest I've dated someone is 3 months and the back and forth afterwards. But, we met online. 1 other guy that lasted a month ...online. When I move, how am I going to meet people? Only online?? It's not like I've had a ton of success. Will I live in the next city for years and years and never find anyone but all my friends will?
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