WHY IS THERE ALWAYS A BUT???

A while back I wanted to write this blog.  I had decided to put it on the back burner, but after a few things that have happened in recent months, I've decided that I needed to get this one off my chest.

I know a lot of single ladies will feel me on this one...

Picture this scene:  Girl sees boy she finds attractive at (insert place here).  She finds out his name and maybe tries to find him on Facebook. Then only to find out that he has a (insert obstacle here: ex, wife, girlfriend, fiance, baby mama). It happens every time!  Every guy that I find attractive has a giant "BUT!"

It doesn't always have to be the typical "BUT" either. Typical "BUT's" would be, as I mentioned earlier: wife, girlfriend, fiance, baby mama, or girl they've been dating for an extended period of time. Other "BUT'S" include: kids, job issues, past relationship issues, jail time, or any other life obstacle that would make them a possible undesirable person to date.

I don't want to fail to mention that these "BUT's" aren't always labeled by me or the woman.  These are "BUT's" that the subject puts upon themselves.  For instance, I once had a guy flat out tell me he wouldn't date me because he had too much drama in his life.  His drama included: ex, kid, and some financial issues. Actually, it really included several general life roadblocks.  Put those all together and this guy is not looking for a relationship. (Or at least not one with me)

They say finding someone has a lot to do with timing.  Sometimes I think that's a little bit of B.S.,but other times I think it's got some truth to it. How is it though...that every single person that I've been attracted to in the last 5 years of my life has a "BUT?" 

Let me think of some of the "BUT's."

• There's a hot guy at my gym...BUT he's married! AND his wife is pregnant! ---He's OUT!
• I met this guy when I was out with my friends...BUT...he doesn't want a gf because he wants to travel.
• I have this great guy friend I've always had a crush on...BUT he lives in another state.
• I know this guy that is a great catch. Smart, good looking, great sense of humour...BUT he has a baby mama...AND he's still hung up on her.
• There's this guy I think is super cute...BUT he likes blonds...AND big boobs!
• I dated this sweet guy...BUT he was at a bad place in his life when we dated.

Do you get my point?  These are just a few of the "BUT's" that I could come up with in 1.26 min.  If you gave me about an hour I could come up with a ton.  

When will I ever meet someone I'm attracted to and there's no "BUT?" Is there always going to be a "BUT" and I'll just have to settle? Will I have to settle with a guy that his "BUT" is that I don't find him attractive? (He's a nice guy...BUT...I'm thinking of someone else when we're in bed together.) Just saying'.

SCARED TO BE MYSELF

I'm sure I've talked about this subject before, but in case I haven't...here it goes. 

I was flipping around TV and caught a bit of The Bachelor Pad finale. Blakeley, one of contestants, said something that struck me. She comes across as a little rough around the edges. She's tatted up and is a little bit of a tough talker. While on the show she started dating a guy. A guy that thought she was gorgeous and was happy to be with her despite her tough exterior.

Even though I wanted to puke while watching her get emotional over finding this great guy, I couldn't help feel for her in a way.  Here's a girl that comes off tough, but still found a guy that loves her.  In fact, he popped the question on the show! Now will it work out?? In today's day and age it's tough, but I did appreciate that she found someone. (Although I don't believe for a second that she's ever had a shortage of boyfriends)

The part that stuck out for me is when she said thought it was all too good to be true. Through her tears she admitted that she didn't know what she did to deserve someone like Tony. She went on to say that he lets her be herself and can let her guard down.

Even though I kind of wanted to barf, I knew how she felt.  I've never been in a relationship where I could be myself.  To be honest, it doesn't even get to that point most of the time. Every time I go out with a guy I'm paralyzed with fear to by myself.

After years of being myself without any success with relationships I thought maybe I need to tone myself down.  So now when I actually do have a date I try to be a very vanilla and non-offending version that they might like.  The only problem is I then get anxiety because I become afraid that once the guy finds out that I'm sassy and tell dirty jokes that they will run for the hills and change their mind about me.

The only guys that have seen "Erin" in her true form are my guy friends from Milwaukee or guys that I work with at the station.  I've noticed that I'm totally myself around people at work, my friends (both guys and girls), and random people I meet.  I'm myself around pretty much everyone except guys that I'm trying to date.  I'm so scared that I won't be good enough or that I'll be too much for them to handle that I tense up.

I had a Jamba juice date with a guy recently and a guy at work asked me how it went.  When I told it that it went well, he responded back with, "Don't worry! You'll have another chance to scare him off."  And you know what; I think I did just that. Although, I'm not sure what I did. And trust me, I analyzed everything I said, did, and how I acted. To be honest, there's not one specific moment that I remember pissing my chances down my shorts.

I know some people are going to say, "Erin, don't change yourself to please others. There's someone out there that can handle all that you are." Yada yada yada...blah blah blah. I get that and I get that I maybe an acquired taste, but COME ON! I can't be that bad!! Or am I?  They say you should be true to yourself, but what if the real you is the reason why they don't stay?

SMH: SHAKING MY HEAD...AT MYSELF!

Do you ever have those moments where you just want to smack yourself upside the head for something you did? I had that moment where I wanted to shake myself like a crying baby for being a bit of an idiot. You're probably wondering what it is that made me have such a lapse in judgement. Actually, it's not something I did...more like something I let myself believe.

I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, but I guess I'm feeling a little bit like a stupid teenage girl.

I've been told I'm cynical. (No kidding right?) Although, lately I've been finding myself becoming a little more gullible. I'm falling in a trap where I'm actually believing something in my head, when it would probably never ever actually happen in the real world.

Here's a scenario that has happened several times and I still somehow fall for it. Say there's a guy that's giving me a little bit of attention. He sends flirty messages, possibly even a sassy text after a few drinks. He seems to be kinda interested yet, no moves are made.

I think most girls would be a little confused. Is he Interested? Does he just want to hookup? Whats going on here?

Well, I had tell myself then and when it still happens I have to remind myself that "You're probably not the only one he does this to so stop thinking you're so special."


Those nights where he's texting you...guess what? He probably sent the same text about snuggling to 3 others girls! You're not so special anymore.

The fact that he never really asks to hang out with you should've been another ginormous clue that "Hey!! The dude isn't really that interested!"

I've heard a saying, 'If he wanted to hang out with you, He would.' And as much as I would love to believe there is a lot of gray area there, I think that if man wants something he goes after it, and if he's not going after you it's probably because he doesn't want you...or at least not bad enough.

So, I just have to shake my head at myself for believing that that guy would ever like or date me. Its like high school Erin all over again. When Adam Stockman would talk to me in the hall and say something I perceived as flirty and thought maybe just maybe that he liked me! When in actuality I had some candy and he wanted a piece! (candy is not a metaphor for something. It's actually candy)

So, the next time I'm getting these cryptic messages that are semi-flirty in nature, somewhat generic, and it goes nowhere because he never does anything about it...I'll have to remind myself a few things. 1. He probably sent the same message to 3 chicks (at least) 2. If he wanted to see you he would. 3. He's probably just messing with you. So get over yourself because you ain't so special!